How to tell someone life is too short ?

And your comment to VS, her feelings are her own. If she felt she'd have been intimidated by your comment, who are you to tell her her feelings don't make sense? Most of your comments really display that you lack the ability to see other perspectives. The only logical end result for thinking this way a breakdown of relationships. This seems pretty obvious.

You don't have to deviate from your opinion, but you cannot expect your son or anyone to agree and follow what you live by. They have a right to decide for themselves. Just because you believe or feel a thing doesn't mean the other party has to. Respect those facts. It's a better route than stating a cliche that will only anger your son.

@VioletSky believe you me , he is verbally abusive. He isn’t just raising his voice put it that way .

I don’t understand why you say I’d intimidated you btw ? Not making sense that sorry

I find comments dismissing abuse people have shared to be abhorrent and shameful.

If your son is abusing you, our advise would be to cease contact. No one deserves to be abused and cutting contact is how victims can take back power in an otherwise uncontrollable situation.

None of the people responding here are your son. You offered up your personal situation here for comments and it isn't surprising that some disagree with you. You know nothing about our personal situations.

For example, my mother permitted my father to abuse me sexually when I was young. That alone justifies my decision, but it's about 1% of my story. Go ahead and dismiss that too if you wish.

@Dinahmo yes you’re right and you’re the only person on here who has spotted this . I don’t want my son to end up with regrets because regret is a horrible emotion. It feeds into guilt and ruins lives .
I have experienced a very difficult time . The loss of my partner was so utterly shocking - but I have no regrets about how we lived . I can honestly say I’m happy by how we did everything. Our time together was so happy and we never would allow a disagreement like this fester for so long .

I can’t change what my son and his wife do , but I was hoping that by bearing in mind that life really is too short for this sort of thing they might think .
When I get to the end of my life I really don’t want to look back with regret especially about how I’ve treated others. It would take something absolutely heinous for me to ever consider estranging a member of my family let alone a parent. After all , nobody is perfect, least of all my son . If I’d considered estrangement every time he said something hurtful to me I’d have cut contact years ago . When you love someone you overlook petty slights . That’s my opinion and I won’t deviate from it xxx

Ladysuisei

@Grams2Five I’m confused. I don’t have a therapist and neither do I need one . The lady from Mind is a friend . lol 😂

I disagree. I think you are having a really hard time coping with your grief in a way that is now damaging relationships which you claim are important to you. I think you are a great candidate for it. It can also help reign in your persistent behaviour of trying to get around your son's boundaries. It's very damaging behaviour and I don't think an internet forum of any kind can help this type of behaviour. Your emotional needs are very complex. This forum doesn't seem to be serving you positively.

Please also understandLadySuisei that I am not condoning your comment towards me either and had you said that face to face I would also have felt intimidated

Ladysuisei

&VioletSky
You are the first to label verbal abuse as abuse per se , so I think you understand what I mean . I will put that to one side for the time being though .
If an unknown man ( or any man come to that ) was using the language he uses , in the tone he uses , in such a threatening manner as he uses then I am sure I will have grounds to report this to the police .
I choose not to because I realise this isn’t how he normally is .
It is sadly learned behaviour- my AS’s father was a violent and abusive drunk and it is becoming obvious that my son did , in fact , see more than I ever realised.

I am fully conversant with all the necessary organisations, including Women’s Aid , so I don’t need a list .

To save you putting anything aside , maybe you can point me to the specifics which indicate my reluctance to accept responsibility for my actions . Thanks

What is he actually saying?

A taller person cannot necessarily help being intimidating if angry, what is he saying to you and I can tell you my thoughts on what is/isn't verbal abuse if that will help

@Hithere
People respond to the behaviour they receive?

Can you explain this remark please. ? I don’t understand what you’re getting at .

AmberSpyglass

The question I keep coming back to, is ‘what would happen if you did nothing and allowed this to play out’?

I would wager an eventual reconcilliation. I think the estrangement happens only if OP continues down this current path. Nothing wrong with letting things cool down and not pushing what you want on the other party in a conflict.

My understanding of your post is that the comment about Life being too short was aimed at you.aimed at you. You've had a very hard time, losing your partner and your own mental health. You need time to grieve. It's not just the actual loss of your partner but the loss of what you had hoped for the future that you have to deal with.

A few weeks ago a friend died. She and her DH had been together for over 50 years and he told my DH that she was the best wife anybody could have. He said that he has been unable to cry, despite wanting to.

Since he and we are in our late 70s life is too short for us now. It is far too soon for him to think about the future and his life without her. He cannot have a funeral yet because there is to be an autopsy so that part of grieving cannot take place yet.

Going back to your own problem I think that you should back off from him and his wife. Most of us have regrets because of something we've done or not done but we have to live with that.

The question I keep coming back to, is ‘what would happen if you did nothing and allowed this to play out’?

Well I did ask the OP several times whether or not the son's behaviour was often prompted by her bringing up the boundaries. I have a feeling this is the case. Again, not justifying speaking to one's parents with disrespect, but it certainly gives insight into the heated reaction. People get frustrated when you establish a boundary and someone repeatedly tries to convince them to get rid of them.

@AmberSpyglass
My point really when saying life’s too short is that time passes by so quickly and before you know it , regrets have set in .
The irony on this post is that the most selfish of individuals are calling me out for being selfish. I’ve never thrown a person away out of my life because they’ve just become a bit too inconvenient to deal with any more . This Estrangement forum has been a bit of an eye opener I can tell you

I have met people who are way shorter than average whose attitude and demeanor are way scarier than their height.

People also respond to the behaviour they receive

@Nell8 it isn’t intended as a lecture it’s intended as a conversation? I don’t “ do “ lectures. My son’s had a happy and laid back upbringing, maybe explains his laid back attitude towards me nowadays.

Honestly, I’m just about old enough to remember being brought up to respect my parents. And no , there was never any violence involved.

Ladysuisei

@SingcoTine
Sorry but where is the selfishness there ?
You love dishing out the unpleasantness don’t you ?
Needless to say I’m sorry you’ve had trauma in your life . I certainly do not use my dead partner to justify selfish behaviour. I would appreciate if you explain what you mean by this .
Once again , you’ve gone off - point . I was asking for advice on how to convey , in a positive way , that life is too short for estrangement when it isn’t the only option.

There is selfishness in all of your posts honestly. The entire premise of your post is selfish. It's not your role to convey to your son and DIL that 'life is short". That message is meant for you so that you stop creating drama around their boundaries. They are dealing with your emotional challenges the best way they can at the moment. It's not perfect, but they are doing what they feel is right for them. It's selfish to not respect that and leave the issue until things settle.

You posted asking how to convey a patronizing message. No one agrees that it would be appropriate to say this to them. You cannot see beyond what you want. That is selfish by definition.

The unanimous advice about how to convey the message that life is too short is not to. Internalise it, show it in your actions, but don’t say it to your son. It won’t have the desired effect.

And the advice feels slightly different now we know the MIND counsellor was a friend and presumably operating in that capacity.

@Hitgere
If a 6”4 man was leaning over you shouting abuse , would you be slightly intimidated? Or do you think this is acceptable?

@VioletSky
I’ve explained why I’m not going to report my AS’s abusive behaviour to anyone. Age UK ? I don’t know how old you think I am .

Height sorry

What does your son's heigh have to do with his attitude towards you?

@Grams2Five I’m confused. I don’t have a therapist and neither do I need one . The lady from Mind is a friend . lol 😂

@SingcoTine
Sorry but where is the selfishness there ?
You love dishing out the unpleasantness don’t you ?
Needless to say I’m sorry you’ve had trauma in your life . I certainly do not use my dead partner to justify selfish behaviour. I would appreciate if you explain what you mean by this .
Once again , you’ve gone off - point . I was asking for advice on how to convey , in a positive way , that life is too short for estrangement when it isn’t the only option.

Is it possible your therapist meant it for you? Life is too short to spend your days running in circles about situations you cannot control - no matter how much you want to. Such as your son. I guarantee there is zero method you can “but life is too short to carry on like this “ to your son that will have the desired effect you want. He will simply hear you once again disregarding his feelings and boundaries and telling him to “get over it” “sweep it under the rug”. Continue with therapy for yourself , and whatever you do do not think this is a good solution .