The next thread for friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

It's so good to know you have much needed support DL especially with the first anniversary coming up and how lovely that your ex is supporting you too.

It will I hope be a relief when everything is finally sorted, waiting for such important decisions that are out of your hands to be made, must be exhausting and stressful.

Yes it is cruel Pipps and I think that's why some of them do it. Before we were estranged our ES said in an email that they'd never stop us from seeing our GS because they knew how much we loved him, which is probably why they did.

Seeing that pic of your brother must have put your mind at rest Whiff. Sounds as if he's already making good progress.

I always remove the stamens Yogin. I had too when I had cats because they're poisonous and they also stain.

Not as sunny this morning but pleased that yesterday's very cold wind's subsided and at least it's not raining .

Yes, it’s a weird friendship we’ve formed. The “elephant in the room” is DH, so we don’t mention him, and just either talk and laugh about life before I met DH, or about the here and now with the family.

I’ve known my ex since I was 16, and we started out as mates, so I guess it’s fitting it’s gone back to that. Whatever our past problems, we are joint parents, grandparents, and great grandparents, so I suppose that tie is always there. And it’s nicer for the family knowing we aren’t going to fight lol 😉

Anyway, I’m off to DD and SIL’s today for dinner. One of my grandsons is back for his Easter uni break, so it’ll be lovely to see him. The others aren’t back until next week.

Anyway, hope everyone has a nice day. 💐 x

Morning everyone, hope you all had a good weekend.

It's lovely that you and your ex are back to being mates DL, which is how your relationship first started. I met Mr. S. when I was 16, only just because it was just a couple of months before my 17th birthday.

I hope you had a good day. it will have been good to see your GS back from uni for the Easter break.

It was a lovely day here again yesterday with plenty of and surprisingly warm out of the chilly breeze. Back to cloud and drizzle this morning. We'll be venturing out later for a nice lunch, haven't decided where yet but as long as there's a few shops, I'll be happy .

Thoughts are with you all at this difficult time of year for mothers with difficult relationships, ladies. Mothers Day followed by Easter is not the easiest few weeks

My MIL has been recently widowed and now my husband and his brother are seriously considering estranging her over the terms of my late FIL's will. Anyone have any advice on how to try and talk sense into the pair of them? She is in no way to blame for the fact he a) died and b) disinherited them. Frankly she needs their support and they are being wildly unreasonable. I am doing all I can to support her myself but DH wants me to stop having any contact with her. I have no intention of listening to him but obviously she is feeling this additional heartache on top of her being newly widowed and I would like them to get a hold of themselves and behave appropriately.

Good for you muffin for refusing to stop having contact with your recently bereaved m.i.l.

Perhaps you could point out to your husband and b.i.l. that it's very common for spouses to have wills that leave everything to their husband/wife in the event of their death. The surviving partner is then free to amend their will and include any children that had not been included.

She may feel less inclined to leave anything to them when all they seem to care about is money. I'd be telling them that.

muffinthemoo

Thoughts are with you all at this difficult time of year for mothers with difficult relationships, ladies. Mothers Day followed by Easter is not the easiest few weeks

My MIL has been recently widowed and now my husband and his brother are seriously considering estranging her over the terms of my late FIL's will. Anyone have any advice on how to try and talk sense into the pair of them? She is in no way to blame for the fact he a) died and b) disinherited them. Frankly she needs their support and they are being wildly unreasonable. I am doing all I can to support her myself but DH wants me to stop having any contact with her. I have no intention of listening to him but obviously she is feeling this additional heartache on top of her being newly widowed and I would like them to get a hold of themselves and behave appropriately.

I was widowed last year, and my late DH disinherited his two sons. I supported his decision, as they were pretty awful, but it was his decision.

Wills are dictated by those with the funds to leave - no one else is responsible.

They no longer contact me, but that’s a bonus to me.

For what it’s worth, I would support your MIL. Spousal bereavement rocks your life like nothing else. It’s brutal.

Your husband really needs to stop blaming his mum and step up to the plate. She needs all the support she can get.

Condolences 💐

Muffin I will reply properly to you tomorrow.
But I should know better than watch bake off stand up to cancer. As the stories always upset me and it brings it all back what my husband went through.

Just didn't want you to think I was ignoring you.

Last night's was heartbreaking wasn't it Whiff .

DL I couldn't not talk about my husband🙂but it depends on how you split up I suppose.
Muffin, what dreadful sons, sorry but they are behaving disgracefully, mil needs support,I’m afraid I would be so disappointed with my husband but know he wouldn't t have let his mom down. I would be firmly on mil side.

Allsorts - well, my break up with my first husband was pretty acrimonious, not helped by how quickly I moved on. Number 1 didn’t listen to what I’d been saying for years.

But, more than 20+ years on, and after losing my DH, all I am trying to do is to establish a friendship so that we can attend family events together, without any fights.

It’s working so far - husband number 1 appears to want our friendship, and that’s fine. But, I don’t feel talking about DH will help, so we both just avoid the subject.

We stick to the dim and distant past (long before DH), and the here and now with the family. The genetic links that bind us with the kids is powerful, and that’s enough.🙂

Thanks for the advice ladies. I have tried to talk to my husband in particular supportively but honestly. I realise he has lost his dad but his mum has lost her life partner: she is clearly still in a state of shock.
And honestly they do not have much to complain about: they like to whine about very minor things but I have known her all my adult life and she has been a good and stable mum. She deserves better from them and frankly it has been very disappointing.
Neither of them are exactly hurting for money which I privately feel makes their behaviour a lot worse.
I do all I can for her to be present and support her. We have not always seen eye to eye in the past but she is my mother in law, I feel heart sorry for her, and I owe her my support. I do not think the lads have any insight into how difficult it is to be widowed. I do not have that experience myself but my granny and all her sisters and friends were widowed in their forties and fifties so I have at least seen a bit.

Your m.i.l. is fortunate indeed to have you for a d.i.l.

I hope she doesn't allow her sons to emotionally blackmail or bully her into giving them anything. She can make provision for them in her own will, if she chooses to do so despite their behaviour.

Her 'new' will is done thankfully so there can be no more backchat about that. We had spoken back in the autumn about the need to get a (future) power of attorney done for her and FIL as his health was beginning to fail and these things are better done sooner rather than later.
She decided a few weeks ago to get the PoA and will done at the same time. I don't practise any more but am still in touch with many people and encouraged her to see a long time friend of FIL's as I knew he would advise her sensitively and appropriately.
Obviously I have caught it in the ear for not "telling" a completely competent adult what she "should" have done with her own affairs and finances. Perhaps because it is not my bl--dy business!
Anyway I am reassured her affairs are in order to suit her, hopefully long before she should need to rely on them.
I just wish I could bang the lads' heads together but I suppose I can only do the best I can and hope they improve in time.
I just feel they have let her down and this is not at all what their father would have wanted either.

Muffin why did your husband and his brother think they would inherit from their dad's will while their mom was still alive?

When my father in law died everything went to my mother in law. Only thing 's my husband had from his dad was a pair of brass cufflinks and his dad's personalised car reg.

When my husband died in 2004 everything went to me apart from the car reg which he left for our children. Neither of them wanted it on their cars . So in the early days you had to pay £25 per year to hold on to it then eventually it was free but a time limit of 2026 if it wasn't put on a car I lost it. Come back to that later. Because I was 45 when my husband died the government gave me £2,000 towards funeral costs . But we had already put the money aside for his funeral so I spilt it between the children they didn't want it but I insisted. Should say they where 20 and 16 when their dad died.

When my dad died everything went to my mom which is how it should be . My brother and me inherited mom's estate equally when she died. Mom had put into her will even though I advised her not to but it's what she wanted. She had 3 expensive rings dad had saved all year for each one brought years apart for their 25th,30th and 40th wedding anniversaries. They brought them at the jewellery quarter in Birmingham as it was cheaper. Mom had 3 granddaughters and wanted them to each choose a ring have them valued and the value of them given in cash to get 2 grandson's.

My brother and I as executors decided it was long winded so we gave them each £500 and let the 5 grandchildren choose what of mom's jewellery they wanted .

I had both my mom's and nans wedding rings and my brother had dad's wedding ring even though it was cut . This was days before safety guards on machinery dad was working a press and he put his hand it to it as it jammed the machine slammed down and because of his ring he couldn't move his hand out of the way but the ring saved his hand being crushed. He had to have it cut off and never had it repaired as he wouldn't wear it again as to dangerous.

My daughter only wanted her nans engagement ring it wasn't worth much but she loved it . My nephew didn't want anything . My son and daughter in choose a ring and a couple of necklaces and the rest my 2 nieces had the youngest having the most as the 5 grandchildren decided as she was youngest she was to have them.

When we told his mom my husband was terminal he asked her to promise her estate would be divided equally between our children her only grandchildren. She agreed and I went with her after my husband's death to see the solicitor. She asked me if it was ok to leave her brother and his family £1,000 each and 2 friends £500 each. Told her of course it was her will. The rest was divided equally between our children as my husband asked. She had always promised my daughter her wedding and engagement rings.

Should say as others already know my in laws where horrible people but my husband loved them didn't like them. But he would never give up on them . We went every Sunday if they started on at us we walked out but always went back the next week. I have only ever hated 2 people they where my in laws because of the way they treated my husband. They never gave him any love or attention they looked after him but he didn't get what he needed until we started courting and he got what he had been missing for 18 years as he was 18 and me 16 from my large extended family.

I looked after my mother in law for 11 years after my husband died even though I hated her but she was family . Without her I wouldn't have had my husband and she was still my mother in law and our children's nan. They always kept in touch with her and made sure she had a mother's day card for nan , birthday and Christmas presents. When they visited me they saw her. She refused to go too both their weddings.But still they never gave up on her.

After my husband died she told people she never had a son or had 2 grandchildren in my hearing and heard from my mom who had heard her tell people they lived not far from eachother. People who knew me also told me.

Posted in case I lost it. Muffin I do ramble but bear with me.

As I said I looked after my mother in law and was her emergency contact as I was for my parents. So got called out all hours of night and day for the 3 of them .

I spent the last 2 days of my mother in-laws life sitting by her hospital bed for 15 hours each day. She was in her own room and the doctors wanted to move her to a home but with the backing of the nurses refused to have her moved . The nurses said I must love her very much but told them I hated the very bones of her but she was family. Only when she was dead did her brother and sister in law plus her sister turned up. I then found out she had given her wedding and engagement rings to get sister in law.

She died on a Friday so my daughter came down on the Saturday and went to check her house and strip the bed and removed any jewellery or money as the house would be empty . As far as we knew I and my children where executors of her will and it was as she had it written when I went with her after my husband died. We stripped the bed and threw away the bedding as it was soiled.

We took all her jewellery and found £400 . So my daughter had the jewellery and the idea was it would be sold eventually and spilt between her and her brother but that was their business as her hiers . The money they each had £200. They offered it to me but said no.

I only found out a week after her death she had made her brother executor. But I helped them clear her house and sorted out things for charity. They never mentioned jewellery or money so didn't tell them we took it. He had organised a charity to clear everything out of the house which cost £150 but he paid it. Only after probate did I find out she had changed her will . She left my £2,000 but I did have it as she had divided her estate between my children and her brother they had a third each. My children told me as they where sent copies of her will along with a cheque after the house was sold.

If she had been buried I would have dug her up and left her on top as my mom would say. She had no form of dementia but she broke her word to get dieing son.

The funeral was a farce and went from the funeral directors and not her home as I knew that was what she wanted. She wanted flowers so I brought a wreath with all the colours I knew she loved it was beautiful and and the children put a card on it. Her brother's wreath was awful they must have made it as it was twigs and holly no flowers . This was early December. And he had put a picture of her on the coffin of her at his son's wedding. He gave it to me after the funeral it went into the bin.

Going back to my husband's car reg I had decided as neither of the children wanted it and it only had a few years to go too sell it was going to sell it after my birthday in 2020 but my son estranged me 4 days after my birthday via email sent one to his sister . Anyway written all about it before.

I decided to sell it in 2021 and could have put it on the open market but got in touch with a company who valued it . But decided to take the lower offer as there would be no fees plus the money would be in my account in 3 days. Because of no contact with my son my brother emailed him to get his bank details. He didn't reply to my brother so after 4 days I got very mad . Also my brother was hurt as he was there for the children after their dad died and he talked to my son a lot about things my son couldn't talk to me about. But it was private and my husband and I never pried into the children's lives.

So on the Monday at 4am I text my son as I knew he would be at work told him how much he had hurt his uncle and that if I didn't have his bank details by 6pm he lost the money. He text me his bank details at 9.30am and put thank you which really upset me as that was the only kind word I had from him since his email and follow up letter. So I transferred the money into his account.

When my daughter came to see me I asked for her bank details she didn't want the money but told her it was from her dad so she accepted it but asked if I had any fees to pay. Explained what I had done.

In September 2020 after what happened in August . I thought hard and long and changed my will and took out both powers of attorney and my daughter and son in law are my attorney's. I cut my son out of my will and my daughter is sole heir . In case she died before for me my estate will go to her son's.

My husband and I always believed children in herit from parents so I left nothing to my 5 grandson's but had to put the clause in my will about my daughter.

There is a will thread on this forum and it has gotten very ugly. And as usual estranged parents are getting a battering from estranged children.

I do hope your husband and brother don't estrange their mom . The will was as their dad wanted it to make sure their mom was taken care of.

Wills are people's choice. No one has a right to an inheritance as it's a gift and a person's last wishes.

Unfortunately I found out when I changed mine that anyone can contest a will up to 2 years after you died. I had to get a letter from my GP stating my hereditary neurological condition was physical and not mental cost me £40. Plus my solicitor asked me to write a letter explaining why I had cut my son out of my will. She wanted me to write about what my relationship had been like with my son before the estrangement also about my husband and his death and what my life was like afterwards. A weekend I never want to live again . Had to right down about my estrangement and the fact my son had just cut me out of my life but almost over side. I have a grandson my son and daughter in law's 3rd son I don't know his name or date of birth. I wrote 13 pages of A4. My solicitor cried reading it. The letters wouldn't see the light of day unless my son contests my will. But he will never know when I die as it is no concern of his . With my will ,letters there is also a copy of the email he wrote plus the hand written letter he sent.

I ramble but that's me and Muffin this is my experience of death and wills . No idea if this helps or not.

Estrangement from your own child and grandchildren is horrendous but I decided I am done letting my son hurt me . I have to many good things in my life. I will always love him but the son I knew for 32 years but not who he is now . My love for my grandsons even the one I don't know is still strong. I last saw the 2 eldest was when they where 4 &2. They are now 7,5&3.

Yes, Whiff - I’m always staggered at ACs who estrange then seem outraged at the thought of being cut out of any inheritance. Funny way of thinking.🙄

DH had his Will changed, and left his entire estate to me. The step-kids haven’t challenged it yet, but if they do, I will be ready for them.😗

He actually made a CD thing recording, laying out his reasons. And what he thought of them, and their behaviour. It’s tucked away and will never see the light of day, unless they start.

It’s done and dusted, and I’m just glad they’re out of my life.👍

Hope everyone has a nice day x💐

Morning everyone.

A lot of rain last night but not a bad morning here although it's not set to last.

Wills do sometimes bring out the worse in people muffin and this is a horrible situation for you to find yourself in. As I posted yesterday and Whiff has done so this morning, it's standard practice for spouses to leave everything to the surviving partner. Children not generally being included apart from personal items, until the surviving spouse dies.

None of us know how long we'll live and whether or not care will have to be paid for as we age. Unless an estate is worth a lot of money, many can't risk passing on an early inheritance in case they need the money for themselves.

I'm glad your m.i.l. has her affairs in order and that that has given you peace of mind. I hope your H and his brother will get themselves sorted out and be there for their mum.

It is a funny way of thinking isn't it DL just as berating EP's who decide not to leave an inheritance to the AC whose estranged them is.

As we all know we are not responsible for how others behave, only for how we choose to respond, or not.

Muffin what a good d.i.l you are. As Smiles has pointed out, it's normal for the first parent to leave all to their spouse and then when they go it is then handed down to the children, that's what happened with my mum & dad and I didn't expect or even think of anything else. Sure, that's the normal way of it.

It’s normal for most, although some wills do include an amount left to ACs, especially when step-children are involved.

But older people should beware of giving out early inheritances - if care costs need to be met, and you’ve given away a lot, then you will his the Deprivation of Assets rule.

My Will has left the lot to be split equally between my two kids - but how much that is will depend on health care needs, going forward. 🙂

DiamondLily both my children said they never wanted any inheritance this was when I changed my will after my husband died 20 years ago. But my daughter may end up with nothing as my home and any savings will be used up if I need care. I did just want just a cremation no funeral and pay for it. But my daughter said no she wants a funeral but she will be paying as it will be her responsibility and I was to spent money on myself . As she said mom you have gone without for years time to spend money on what you want.

I wasn't brought up with money so have always been careful and saved. But since my husband died my savings where running out . Because my husband was 47 his private pensions but one paid out a lump sum . I get £29.56 a month from that one same amount for 20 years. That money long went but my inheritance from mom keep me going but it was running out. I have been trying for disability benefits since 1988 when my GP told us to ask I was disabled but because of no diagnosis turned down . Tried over the years since my husband died same answer. 2022 finally had my diagnosis and only because of my neurologist had my whole genome genetically tested and it's rare . So applied for PIP. Had phone assessment and given zero for everything. I was so worried about money told my daughter and she said don't worry if you need any we will give it you. But I would never have accepted. Thanks to the Brain Charity they got my a solicitor pro bono and told me to claim UC and my caseworker sent at the job centre got me the health forms and had face to face assessment and got it..

The out come of my PIP I went to tribunal end of August last year and they couldn't have been kinder . Had a Brain Charity support worker with me. I was awarded enhanced PIP for living and mobility indefinitely and back dated until March 2022 when I asked for the forms. My UC will stop end of next month as I will get my state pension but will get full pension plus 48p from my husband's NI contributions from 1974 until 2004. But because my PIP was awarded by the tribunal which is really a court with real judge and got it indefinitely DWP can never take it off me.

So finally since last August I don't worry about money but still very careful..

The DWP can still want a review of entitlement, and a tribunal doesn’t change that, but, for “indefinite” and for pensioner age, they generally only do what they call “light touch” reviews, which really just means a brief questionnaire which rarely causes problems.🙂

DiamondLily thank you for that information. At least the Brain Charity are always willing to help me. As I was born with this and been disabled from birth my mobility is only going to get worse as I get older . This will be the 3rd year I can't get my legs into a car have to have them lifted in . I know I will end up in a wheelchair again but hopefully not for 15-20 years . I am doing everything you can to stay mobile .

Yeah, it shouldn't be any sort of problem. Always good idea to try and stay mobile. I'm hell bent, if possible, not to end up back in a wheelchair. 🙂

muffinthemoo

Thanks for the advice ladies. I have tried to talk to my husband in particular supportively but honestly. I realise he has lost his dad but his mum has lost her life partner: she is clearly still in a state of shock.
And honestly they do not have much to complain about: they like to whine about very minor things but I have known her all my adult life and she has been a good and stable mum. She deserves better from them and frankly it has been very disappointing.
Neither of them are exactly hurting for money which I privately feel makes their behaviour a lot worse.
I do all I can for her to be present and support her. We have not always seen eye to eye in the past but she is my mother in law, I feel heart sorry for her, and I owe her my support. I do not think the lads have any insight into how difficult it is to be widowed. I do not have that experience myself but my granny and all her sisters and friends were widowed in their forties and fifties so I have at least seen a bit.

I am sorry you are dealing with this. It must be so disappointing to see the man you love be reduced to such low behaviour. Unfortunately it is cultural to have entitlement to inheritance, despite the fact that it is essentially unearned. This is a byproduct of our country historically expecting to benefit from the possessions of others, rather focusing primarily on working on our own to earn all we have. I would try to approach your husband from the perspective that it is reflecting poorly on his character to mistreat his mother because of what is essentially greed. If you share children, I would try to get him to see that the example he is setting will reverberate with them, and that he too may be mistreated and discarded if his children feel they will not gain financially from his death. Try to get him to see that he needs to be the example that he wants his children to follow. The callousness with with he treats his fresh widowed mother will likely be returned to him if he is lucky enough to see her age one day. I must admit, I would find it really hard to view my husband in the same light ever again. It's quite disturbing. I am sorry you are experiencing this. Wishing you support and your husband clarity.

Afternoon everyone.

Well we've been really quite lucky with the weather here at our lodge with some lovely including this morning, so we had a trip out and a lovely lunch.

Clouding over now and looks as if we'll get some rain and there's a cold wind so it'll be jumpers and rain coats for the dogs when we take them out later.

Hope you're all OK.