Advice regarding my GD living in Australia

I am considering the impact on my granddaughter actually, she has to spend time with her father when she doesn’t want to go(and that’s what he calls himself by the way) and he pins her in her car seat kicking and screaming as well as verbally abusing her mother in front of her, he has never, ever spent any time with her until the separation , anyway I’m not getting into this,

Why add significant negative information at this stage / I don’t mean to be unhelpful but surely you’d want to give a clearer picture when asking for advice

That’s for your daughter to sort out, without your interference.

Cleverfairy13

I am considering the impact on my granddaughter actually, she has to spend time with her father when she doesn’t want to go(and that’s what he calls himself by the way) and he pins her in her car seat kicking and screaming as well as verbally abusing her mother in front of her, he has never, ever spent any time with her until the separation , anyway I’m not getting into this,

You posted as you were concerned that you would not be able to do your usual 4 week holiday with your granddaughter and daughter because your granddaughter’s father would not agree to it.

That was quite the drip feed. Your daughter will need to deal with this via the courts and/or Australia’s equivalent of child protection services.

I’m confused as to what you are actually looking for advice on, then? Taking your granddaughter an extended holiday without her father’s permission, or how to protect your granddaughter from her father?

You'd still want what is best for the child apart from your own holiday desires. Perhaps think about someone else than yourself?

A drip feed par excellence .

The OP is bl...y lucky that her GD's father still wishes to maintain contact with her. So often we hear about a parent, usually a father unfortunately, who ceases contact with his children.

If I get it right you are disappointed that you will be there a month and during that month the time for the child to see her father will come up and he doesn’t want to miss it and you don’t agree and think the child should be with the mother the whole time you are there, and see the father another time and you wanted legal advice as to what you can do
The advice given even by a solicitor is you can’t do anything

This was in your first thread I didn’t read the post in the estrangement thread but presumably it was similar

You then today start another thread to tell us the mother has lived with domestic violence and the child is not treated well by the father and screams to not go with him so does that mean it’s not to do with your holiday there but the bad treatment by the partner ?

This bit confuses me she would love for her to travel with her father to Italy where his relatives live, it would enrich her life and be educational too. surely if there is domestic violence and the child is not treated well by the father you wouldn’t want her going from Australia to Italy with him alone would you ??

I m confused what you want advice over I think your daughter needs to get a court order asap against him if he’s cruel to the child

she has to spend time with her father when she doesn’t want to go (and that’s what he calls himself by the way)

Is he not her father, then? 🤔

he pins her in her car seat kicking and screaming I assume it's her doing the kicking and screaming?
Oh, the Thundrrous Threes, they can have mighty tantrums!

She'll be learning how to play one off against the other unless her parents handle this carefully, without interference from other relatives.

Germanshepherdsmum

A drip feed par excellence .

I really should finish my knitting but I'm waiting for the next instalment.

I forget - don't all 3 year olds kick/scream upon seeing a car seat? Perhaps it's me, we don't have any always pleasant birth to 18 yr old GC.

I can’t help noticing we’ve had a few very… ah… emotive posts lately that have a very similar flavour.

Good point AmbetSpyglass

The child's relationship with both parents is absolutely the most important thing in this situation.

Grandparents are a desirable, but optional extra.

No one has been rude to you. We have just told you what our views of the situation are and, regrettably, we find your attitude unaceptable. Its the risk you took when you posted these threads on GN.

Norah

I forget - don't all 3 year olds kick/scream upon seeing a car seat? Perhaps it's me, we don't have any always pleasant birth to 18 yr old GC.

Red-faced, screaming, arms and legs going in all directions 😁

I hadn't noticed your grandchild is only 3. She will have no concept of "3 or 4 weeks" as being what you usually do.

It sounds to me that her father has her at the weekend and mum during the week maybe? That would give you a couple of 5 day breaks quite easily if you wanted to do that..

If I was in your position I'd be pleased to have a few days just with my own precious daughter and still enjoy some little jaunts with your granddaughter.

At 3 they don't need the sea necessarily- lots of other areas will be pretty new to them. What about a visit to a nearby river-beach? That would save lots of travel time. We have relatives in Sweden who use rivers and lakes as we do the seaside- I'm pretty sure NSW does too.

I believe you can still have a lovely trip if you want to.

Cleverfairy13 you have my sympathies as you must be very worried about your daughter and granddaughter and also want to try and protect your time and arrangements if the father is demanding time with his daughter since separation rather than because he actually wants it. Especially if he can be verbally abusive too. I get it. I just wanted to offer some words of reassurance. At the moment, as the solicitor has stated, there’s nothing you can do as legally parents need to see their children regularly and rightly so. I would take all the time you can get for now, I would also be a supportive rock for your daughter and granddaughter as they go through the choppy waters of divorce and custody etc. If he’s not so bothered about spending any time with his daughter that will come out in the wash just maybe not now then you can go back to your usual arrangements . I speak as an adult child of divorce, my father very much used a custody battle as a stick to beat my mother with , not because him and his new wife actually wanted us. This became clearer and clearer as time went on and my grandmother and mum helped me and my siblings through when he eventually washed his hands of us. My grandmother has long since gone now but I remember her support , her kindness, her consistency. Now when I was very young and the separation was new, I didn’t get to see her all that much because we were being shipped between mum and dad. But we developed our own wonderful relationship as time went on and she was so very supportive of me theough all the troubles with my father. I get it’s difficult because of the distance , it is such a long way but stay calm and think longterm. Sending good wishes to you xxx

12 days lost to you is 12 days lost for him...

If those are his designated visiting times, you will have to work around them and do things a little differently

Wouldn't it be lovely to have some quality time with your daughter?

Good point, actually.
I wonder if the mums of these children feel a bit superfluous at times.

And the stress and anger expressed by the OP is likely to be felt by the little girl in the midst of adults who need to manage their own feelings so helping her with the confusion and loss in her life

JosieGc, I'm glad that you can see the distress of the grandparents because these things are rarely cut and dried. It is also easy to post out of emotion as a new person and then to face a blitz of disapproving comments from regular posters who know exactly how this forum works.

Cleverfairy13, you have little say as a grandparent over access so I'm afraid you will have to make arrangements that take into account the father's access. One way round this might be to invite the father for the time he has access but it doesn't sound like your relationship is good enough for that and he might find that intimidating. If the father is as you say he is then I suspect that things may change in the future regarding the access arrangements. Fathers who show no interest whilst married don't always turn out to be reliable fathers when the marriage ends but often use the child to make a point with the mother. (Mothers can also be equally awful!) My advice, for what it's worth, is to take what you can get with your access and if things change in the future, be there to add support which your grandaughter will need.

I would also encourage your daughter not to make your visit a sticking point in her mediation discussions. She could offer to increase his time for a day or two before/after your visit in return for the same from him but at the end of the day, not making a fuss will avoid more heartache in the long run. Your holiday is just a small detail in the scheme of things they have to work out.

As for your grandaughter disliking access visits to her father, this is probably unfamiliar to her and this may well settle down in time. It is really important that the child does not feel torn between her parents. She has a right to love both parents and providing the father isn't abusive to her then she should be encouraged to welcome his attention. If your SIL is abusive language wise to the mother, get your daughter to ask somebody else to do the handover until things settle down.

If I were you, I would ask Admin to move this post to a more suitable place as for those truly estranged, it might be quite triggering. I would also ask them to remove one of the threads so everything is in the same space. Good luck.

I just don’t think some posters understand the situation.
verbally abusing her mother in front of her
Doesn’t sound like a nice, happy parenting agreement to me.
It sounds extremely acrimonious and emotionally damaging to the grandchild.
Apparently he refused to sign the parenting agreement. Why?
Was he abusive before the separation?
If I was the mother, I’d be extremely unhappy about my child being strapped, screaming and crying, into a car seat and then taken off for access. This situation needs further exploration and resolution in my opinion. Maybe the courts need to be involved.

Sorry Cleverfairy13 but one of the things you have to learn as the grandparent of children whose parents have divorced is that nothing can remain exactly as it was.
Your role in this is to try and make things as easy as possible for your GD. That means accepting that she has two parents who care for her and who she will spend time with. You may not like the man but he is her dad.
So forget any previous arrangements, they are dead and gone.
Look for different ways you can spend time with your GD and stay on civil terms with her dad . It will all work out so much better if you are reasonable and try to negotiate, rather than becoming confrontational.

I was just wondering if the GD screams and yells at her grandparents when they are in Australia will they immediately deliver her back to her dad?

Asking for legal advice and trying to prevent the father seeing his daughter because the grandparents want to spend all their holiday with the little girl is not going to make the situation any better, is it.