Adult children estrangement

Are they perceiving that you're defending your son? Even in your post you say you couldn't get your head around why he wasn't able to come home so it sounds like you're not willing to acknowledge that he's capable of such behaviour. If both dd's are saying it and not just one, I'd say it's a pretty clear indicator that at some point or another he's likely been a nasty piece of work with them. If you're responding to your daughters as though you can't imagine him being that way, it totally dismisses their experience and is likely to make them feel like you are gaslighting them. I think you need to accept it's likely a genuine concern from them and if it's bad enough that they don't want to be around him, it sounds like his behaviour was completely unacceptable.

It is obvious where the problems are it is your two daughters. How dare they come back to your home after living away and expect to rule the roost. This is yours and your son's home not theirs, they chose a different life away from you. Also if they are being nasty to you why on earth didn't you stand up for your son who has never been any bother and told your daughter's to go back to where they came from.

If our sons decided to come back home and told me how to run my home and life then they would be shown the door immediately.

So your son is in rented accommodation new, so presuming he is working (you mentioned they all have uni degrees) to be able to afford it as he’s 25 maybe it’s best he’s not still with mum, but you need to tell the girls they have to do the same and then get the place to yourself and downsize That way this will never crop up again, but you need to tell them you are going to treat them all the same and they have a month to find somewhere else to live, sounds like your son didn’t even have that amount of time
You HAVE to treat them all equally so that’s it …lall out if he’s the youngest at 25 and Daughter 1 has had her own place albeit shared she can do that again Daughter 2 said it would be her nightmare to move home so you’re doing her a favour The two girls can flat share together

You are the common denominator, in your need to prove and secure your love with them you allowed yourself to be railroaded but now only YOU can put it right

Foot firmly down

Sorry about the typos
It was so good, and i just wanted things how they were then

Honestly this is my life right now. I know i shouldn't have let it become so absurd byt my intention was to try and get eveback together like we got on after my ex left.
If was so good, we all worked so well together and i was just trying to get that back

If this a genuine post Sinbad1700 I’d tell ‘em to get knotted…
“worst case scenario” indeed! How dare they😠

Your daughters sound well educated, and should be able to forge their own way now, with housing.

All children bicker, which can continue into adulthood - but that doesn’t give any of them the right to dictate who lives in your home.

I think you need to decide what you want, and stand your ground. You are the one paying the bills. 🙂

Sorry yes @bluebell that the 2 daughters arrived home said ‘out’ happened over a period of time and got worse after he didnt let them in to the house where he's renting.

On this, it is the family home, i never had plans to keep it, and have wanted to downsize.

Thank you @Whiff. What great advice. See i sincerely mean that as great advice and I'm questioning myself before i post it thinking it might come across as passive aggressive.
I'm questioning every word that comes out of me in fear that I'll say something wrong that will hurt people.

Thank you @bluebell. Some answers here.

Is this the family home they grew up in? Yes.

Did the sisters used to come home for Uni holidays etc in other words do they still have a home with you, their own rooms etc. D1 is 28, she moved into rented accommodation with her boyfriend during uni and told me that she didnt have any plans to move back.
D2 is 27 and is finishing her phd. She moved to rented accommodation when she had paid work and told me that moving back home would be her worst case scenario.

I kept both of their rooms so that if they wanted to come home then they could.

The situation with the brother (he's 25) at those times?
D1 and my son have always bickered since they were little.
D2 and my son have always been so close. Only a couple of years ago, they had an argument over her saying bad things about him to d1, after that things went bad between them.
Since then its just gone downhill.

Sorry but it's a no brainer . It's your home with your son. Your daughter's need to live on there own . You gave in to your daughter's. While it's been your son who has been with you all this time. It your sons home with you. Your son and you need to live together as always . Tell your daughter's they chose to leave and live elsewhere. So tell them no . And you are hurting your son who has been with you thought thick and thin. You son needs to be home not your daughter's. Sorry but they sound like a pair of brats and acting like little children.

Your home your rules. Your son should stay and your daughter's take a hike. You don't need counselling you just need your normal home life back.

I know this post will be probably be deleted as some here will object to it. But your daughters have no right to to threat their brother or you this way but you are letting them . You need to stop or you will lose your son . And end up with daughter's that tell you how to live your life.

From what you’ve posted, I would move your son back in, as he’s caused you no problems, and if your daughters don’t like it, then it might be best if they got some sort of flat share together, so that they were in a position to decide who came into their home. They shouldn’t be laying the law down over who lives in yours.

You can then see your daughters away from your home.

As you’ve said, you have ALL had a difficult time - it’s not just about your daughters.💐

It seems an impossible situation
Let’s get some facts
Is this the family home they grew up in?
Did the sisters used to come home for Uni holidays etc in other words do they still have a home with you, their own rooms etc if so how was the situation with the brother at those times?
What I don’t understand is why you would put your son out of the house on the say so of your daughters!!! That makes no sense
Your post reads that the 2 daughters arrived home said ‘out’ you agreed and off he went with his tail between his legs having done nothing wrong and he cant even visit without their permission !!!

It’s almost too much like Cinderella to be true
Of course you don’t want to refuse your daughters a home if they have problems but IT MUST BE ON YOUR TERMS not theirs
So first reinstate your son immediately to HIS home
Have a bit of strength and set some house rules which they all keep or they re out I know you want to keep the love of them all but you can’t roll over and allow such bad behaviour in your own home
Sometimes in life we have to stretch our backbone even if we don’t want to

@bluebell this is what I'm trying to say. None of it makes sense to me either.
I mean i understand that you're only seeing my side of this, and recognise i take some responsibility for this too.
My daughters are generally good people but i cant read where the animosity has come from, and they wont go to counselling so we can work it out.
As i said previously i think i needed to hear what was said on the chat by everyone and take some action. Because I've been avoiding telling them to leave because I've beed afraid that I will lose them, things have got worse between them and me and my son. But I've lost them anyway in the process of inaction.
So from today, I will take some positive action.

Are we being taken for fools here
This is not for real surely I m sorry Sinbad but none of this makes sense at all

Agreed. Thanks all

Your daughter moved out because of an argument over a game of scrabble?

I think it is past both our bedtimes

I didnt want to harm any of my relationships with the three of them. But ive almost lost them all

You know what. I think i needed to sound this out with complete strangers to know that i wasnt losing my mind. Thank you all for your comments. Reading the thread back it is so simple, but doing it is going to be so hard. I love my daughters so much. We've all 4 of us been through so much and i cant believe its come to something like this. I dont want to lose them, but i get what i need to do.

Scrabble sorry

A game of scabble where she was caught cheating

What did they row about?

D1 came back during lockdown because she couldnt afford rent on the house she shared with her boyfriend. She's left before because of rows she had with her brother before.
D2 came back as she lost her job (she's doing her phd) and could no longer afford rent