Estranged daughter and my will

To be fair I have also said I did not want a letter. In my case it would not have helped.
I would also say that VS should take a step back, she clearly has a issue with estrangement, her own, but people are hurting all round and I feel because of her experience what she posts is not helpful.

Whiff
Thank you

Mogsmaw never be ashamed of being estranged. Your children made their choice you didn't have any say . They are the ones who should be ashamed but children who estrange us never are . They live in their own perfect world thinking they are perfect parents no such thing . I would never dream of telling my parents what they did wrong bringing my brother and me up . As it would have been cruel and anyway we loved our parents very much . One day in the future our grandchildren will tell their parents all the things they did wrong. I know a lot of things my son and daughter in law did wrong I saw and heard and my son told me things . But I never said a thing as it would have hurt him . But I know my grandsons are their world and know they are loved and given plenty of attention. Family means different things to different people. Children who do the estranging mean just them and their children.

DiamondLily I was born disabled and a hole in my heart. I am a lot of threads but only talk about things I have personally experienced first hand. I would never dream of commenting on something I no knowledge of.

My hereditary neurological condition was only diagnosed in 2022. And only because my new neurologist had my whole genome genetically tested and it's rare. So my children grew up with a disabled mom . But they never went without love and attention and when I got worse my husband just said we alter our way to suit what you can do and he kept his word until the day he died. He died in agony even on full oxygen I had to tell him to stop fighting and we would be ok. I lay be his side and the children where with us he died within a few minutes aged 47.

Do you know what my daughter in law wrote on Reddit about my husband's death. FIL died to get away from MIL.

She had been slagging me off for over a year and trolled me on a different forum thread on GN . She put a link she wrote as a nan who's grandson said it sounded like my daughter in law. At the time I was very ill and pressed the link. The worst thing was other people's comments but I don't think they would have thought much about her if she said her mother in law was disabled.

She never knew my husband and my love for her died .

When my son sent the email May 2020 4 days after he had been with me on my birthday ending our relationship he knew I was waiting for a bubble echocardiogram as they found a problem with my heart. In the email he said give him some months. So I did . I waited until August when it was his and second sons birthday plus I knew my third grandson with them would have been born as he was due in July. I sent cards and presents and a cheque and letter in his birthday card . Not mentioning his email but a friendly letter and said they found a whole in my heart. The day after their birthdays everything came back all unopened and the babies presents crushed and a letter saying he did not want my vindictive and manipulative behaviour anywhere near him or his family ever again . Zero contact.

I have never been vindictive or manipulative ever in my life . I looked after my mother in law for 40 years and I hated her. But she was family you don't turn your back on family . She denied she ever had a son or 2 grandchildren. She outlived my husband by 11 years . Her own brother and sister in law didn't turn up until she was dead .

VioletSky you always put the boot in and enjoy kicking us estranged parents along with your followers . You are always right and we did something wrong to deserve being treated like crap. But you have no idea how it feels but you pass judgement on us as if you have a right. Funny how you hardly ever mention your children or husband.

Hopefully someone will read this before you get it deleted.

I’ve read this thread with interest. DH and I have been writing our wills so this is something relevant to us.
We have been estranged by both our daughters. I know some children have to distance themselves from parents for their own protection but some don’t.
The young seem to “go no contact” on the slightest pretext.
We spent years “walking on eggshells” but it didn’t matter.
We want to leave our estate, such as it is, to our younger daughter’s children. We’ve been warned that as we are in Scotland this could be contested so I’ve had to give my reasons in a letter so a judge can decide if either contest the will.
It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
From my letter, I don’t do this to punish them but to accept their decisions that we are no longer their family.
My elders daughter’s children don’t know of our existence, the younger one allows us to send gifts.
I love my daughters dearly but I have to accept their loss and move on.
I know no one believes we are not monsters, narcissistic or abusers. So I've been too ashamed to admit I’ve been estranged for years.
I think it will be good for me to admit this estrangement and stop hoping every day that they will change their minds and contact us. My family is “dead and gone” and acceptance is a necessary part of grieving.

Many years ago, I became disabled. Through an illness. I reached the point where I knew that the only way I’d get fitter was to start with my brain. Home computers were fairly recent, so I bought one. This was about 1999.

I found a disability forum, now defunct, that was asking for mods that could give accurate advice on claiming sickness/disability benefits. They made me a mod. I had worked in the field and understood it.

DH, totally independently, as I didn’t know him then, had done the same. That’s how we met.🙂

Anyway, we batted on giving the practical advice. Everyone on that site were disabled - some from birth, some later in life. We all “got” how it is, with all aspects of life.

No worries - but the one thing that would kick off arguments spectacularly, was fit and able people, who had no real life experience of disability, charging on there, spreading their “pearls of wisdom” on what people should be doing.

Jeez, all hell would break loose.😳

There was an ethos on there of “you gotta be it to see it”.

That site has long gone, but I think the ethos stands firm - that you can only speak from what you have experienced and understand.🙂

VioletSky

Namsnanny

I sometimes wonder if EAC project their personal situation onto any anonymous EP they can find.
Just because it's easier and they can't off load their feelings on the actual perpetrator.
The same could be the other way around of course.

The difference imho between the two groups, especially here, is the EP are looking for support from people on the same situation.

Whereas the EAC seem to be looking to argue with educate EAP's

It's a real shame you think that, it will colour your perception of any estranged child unfairly

No I don't think so, as it only really happens on here, not when I'm in the rw.

Whose wanting to have the last word and holding on "to all those big feelings till the final moment of life"? Whose seeking revenge?

I know the best revenge is happiness because against all the odds we are happy. You seem to want to think that all EP's live out their lives in perpetual misery and sadness. We don't. You can see from the support thread that lives have been rebuilt and that peace and happiness has been found.

I see no nastiness toward you VS just honest responses to what you post.

No, it's not pascal, it's honest but not compassionate. I can see I am showing some frustration after a few pages of nastyness towards me

I'll hide the thread

VioletSky

Have the final word, continue to hold on to all those big feelings till the final moment of life, or find a way to be the better person, the best revenge is always happiness

I'm sorry VS but that just isn't helpful or compassionate

Iam64

Help Smilesless? In what universe do patronising, passive aggressive posts help her or anyone
You’re an expert on your own estrangement Violet, not an expert on estrangement with the skills to ‘help’ others
You say you mean well and I may be wrong but I don’t see goodwill in your posts to smiles

Exactly.

Also to add that smileless helps so many estranged and hurt grandparents. She is a very sensible and loving mother and gran. It’s a shame her grandchildren can’t benefit from her goodness.

Have the final word, continue to hold on to all those big feelings till the final moment of life, or find a way to be the better person, the best revenge is always happiness

Most EAC replying have already said, those letters are going unopened...

I think it's best they go unsent even just to prevent it being thrown away, your last words to someone.. pretty awful thought really

I really would advise saying it while you are here, or just writing it and not sending it if you need the catharsis of it...

But sending it, whether a simple, I love you or giving them both barrels... I just can't see a good outcome for anyone binned, read, framed on a wall... Whatever happens to it

Smileless2012

So do I Granniesunite but I've never understood why some people like to play games with other people's emotions.

My AC ex was a very unhappy person and caused mayhem throughout the marriage and divorce.Years later is still the same unhappy angry person fighting with all who disagree with their point of view. It’s actually sad but these personalities cause so much hurt and pain.

I can hear echos of that unhappiness and anger at times in some posts And I want to say stop and please listen to what is being said not what you think is being said but I do know that would fall on deaf ears.

The world needs more kindness not more anger.

Help Smilesless? In what universe do patronising, passive aggressive posts help her or anyone
You’re an expert on your own estrangement Violet, not an expert on estrangement with the skills to ‘help’ others
You say you mean well and I may be wrong but I don’t see goodwill in your posts to smiles

Smileless2012

So do agendas VS in how some act and react.

If you "take all comments as honestly given" then why do you question the motivation behind what some EP's have decided to do? Why accuse them of wanting to have the last word and of being petty?

I agree Namsnanny but it doesn't colour my perception of any EAC unfairly because I know not all of them do it.

Intentions do not guarantee outcomes Smileless

I've said that before

First with the grandchildren and now here

The legacy you leave matters and you may inadvertantly damage your own reputation with your own family members which include your grandchildren..

It's about helping you, I don't know any of your family members, I'm trying to help you and others here see that there are other ways the situation can be seen...

Smileless2012

So do I Granniesunite but I've never understood why some people like to play games with other people's emotions.

No. Nor me. Family relationships can be an emotional minefield, and it’s never right or kind to add to it.

An opinion is fine, but there’s no need to go in to just kick people…especially if you’ve never been in that position.

Sad really. 🙁

So do I Granniesunite but I've never understood why some people like to play games with other people's emotions.

Yes I would change my will. Good luck eith whstever you decide x

Namsnanny

I sometimes wonder if EAC project their personal situation onto any anonymous EP they can find.
Just because it's easier and they can't off load their feelings on the actual perpetrator.
The same could be the other way around of course.

The difference imho between the two groups, especially here, is the EP are looking for support from people on the same situation.

Whereas the EAC seem to be looking to argue with educate EAP's

You’ve hit the nail on the head with this I think.

You only need to read some of the posts here to understand that it’s a game to some.

Personally I find it easy to sort out the genuine posters from the ones who like to play games.

I think debs has a point! 😉

So do agendas VS in how some act and react.

If you "take all comments as honestly given" then why do you question the motivation behind what some EP's have decided to do? Why accuse them of wanting to have the last word and of being petty?

I agree Namsnanny but it doesn't colour my perception of any EAC unfairly because I know not all of them do it.

Namsnanny

I sometimes wonder if EAC project their personal situation onto any anonymous EP they can find.
Just because it's easier and they can't off load their feelings on the actual perpetrator.
The same could be the other way around of course.

The difference imho between the two groups, especially here, is the EP are looking for support from people on the same situation.

Whereas the EAC seem to be looking to argue with educate EAP's

I think this can be part of the problem, although not always.

Many EACs say they are happy, healthy and healed being estranged from their EPs.

All good - but they never appear healthy, happy and healed - many still seem as if they have an axe to grind.

Seems a shame that the estranged are unhappy - but so are many of the estrangers.😗

Not really much I can work with there

I take all comments as honestly given Bridie, so I would need to know which ones you thought I hadn't to either clarify or see where I have made a mistake of some kind

Emotions play a big part though in how we act and react

Most of them VS, im not participating in your game, sort it out yourself.