Estranged daughter and my will

Doesn't make it untrue either!User 138562

As the estranged daughter I was glad I was spared the letter.

As an estranged adult child, I expect nothing from my parents. If my mother send a letter and no inheretence, I would not be surprised. I would turn down any inheretence I was given because it means nothing. If a letter comes and she's alive I will return to sender. If she's dead, I would probably shred it without opening it.

She doesn't love me, she just wants me to feel bad. I wouldn't expect her behavior to change because she is dying.

A letter says when we were no contact says "Look at how much I love my daughter even though she's shitty and deserves nothing because she abandoned me."

My mother could never acknowledge anything beyond her own wants and needs though. She would say or do whatever she wanted, claim it was for my sake, and then act surprised when I wasn't happy. In the end it was actually about her.

Any inheritance will be distributed with the purpose of making her feel good.

Lots of people say they love their child unconditionally and clearly don't know what that means. Saying it doesn't make it true.

How can anyone say they have moved on and rebuilt when they are planning an event to happen in the future?

I've been estranged by family members and I've been estranged from family members by my mother..

It would actually be nice if people here could look past the fact that I estranged an abusive person in discussion... Unless you allow your estrangement to define you, it is unacceptable to in any way use mine to define me. Using it to try and shut down discussion won't work...

I am coming to the discussion as the healthy person in that relationship

Why do you guys go back and forth with VS ? It seems to be what she wants.

I respect my EC choice, and they will have to respect mine or not Bridie but that's up to them isn't it.

Well I don't think it's very healthy in all cases for EAC to estrange their parents VS. If not receiving an inheritance, not receiving a letter of reassurance that they were loved or receiving a letter a letter that says they were isn't healthy for them, then that raises the question if what they chose to do was healthy for them.

Just because for some EAC how their parents received being estranged was of no consequence to them the EAC, doesn't mean that how those EAC receive the news of their parents death, and anything that may be left to them or not, is of no consequence to the EP.

As EP's we cannot spend the rest of our lives wondering how what we do or don't do may or may not affect our ES's life. We've had to move on and rebuild our lives without him because this is what he wanted, not us.

We're responsible for our own happiness and peace of mind, and he has to be responsible for his.

We may be estranged parents VS, but we are also human beings, I love my sister and other people in my life, but I certainly wouldn't accept the treatment dished out to me by my EC from them... so why should I accept it from my child.?
As has been stated by many on these threads, communications have been tried and rebuffed, EC have been told how much they are loved and missed, what they then do is their choice, as is mine.
As you constantly remind us, people's choices should not be challenged and must be respected, I respect my EC choice, they will have to respect mine !!

VioletSky

I am unlikely to outlive my mother and I will not be doing this in any form

This is your decision and you are happy with that.

Please allow others to make their own decisions in a very painful and difficult situations.

VioletSky

How they feel now?

So not simply just "I love you"?

I don't think it's very healthy no...

Yes how they feel now - as in how they have always loved that child. Noone is suggesting they leave a fully detailed description of all their feelings since estrangement began (except you)

How they feel now?

So not simply just "I love you"?

I don't think it's very healthy no...

VioletSky

Well at least that is honest and that the desired outcome is for the EPs benefit only and is indeed a "last word"

If how their adult child will feel recieving it is of no consequence and a potential harmful outcome is worth what the estranged parent will get out of it... Whatever that is... I guess that's their responsibility

Perhaps you aren't aware that in very many estrangements the estranger will have called all the shots and the estranged has no option but to "put up and shut up". They will have spent many years avoiding things incase they have a"harmful outcome". Apparently you are saying they are not even allowed to say how they feel after they are dead!

I am unlikely to outlive my mother and I will not be doing this in any form

How long have you been reading the E threads?
Perhaps you have missed reading about the ups and downs of Smileless relationship with the son who eventually estranged her and her husband?
Can you be sure she hasnt tried to reach out (hate the phrase!).
Why should she post about it or tell you?

Well at least that is honest and that the desired outcome is for the EPs benefit only and is indeed a "last word"

If how their adult child will feel recieving it is of no consequence and a potential harmful outcome is worth what the estranged parent will get out of it... Whatever that is... I guess that's their responsibility

VioletSky they don't send the letter now because they have already reached out to that child many times and cannot cope with yet another rejection. If the estranged child is going to be bothered by being told after their parent has died that they were always loved - maybe even experiencing feelings of regret - they shouldn't have estranged that parent in the first place and reinforced the estrangement for many years

Maybe because sending it now would open a can of worms that the EP prefers to remain closed VS.

Maybe because that could give the impression that the EP is seeking some kind of reconciliation, when they're not.

Maybe because the EP doesn't want to hear from their EAC and a letter could prompt them to get in touch.

Maybe because the EP fears the response they may get.

If it's a positive thing for an EP to do and know that they've done, who are you to say it isn't.

Namsnanny

^Love is love even if we dont get it back^
That is exactly what the letter Smileless intends to send to her ES will underline.

Then why not send it now?

There is no positive outcome for anyone sending it in a will

Can you not see that?

Thank you Namsnanny that's exactly right. It is after all what unconditional love is isn't it.

Exactly Granniesunite. EP's/EGP's who send letters, cards and gifts are accused of stalking but I guess it's OK to 'stalk' from the grave by leaving an inheritance.

We considered leaving a gift to our GC and decided on the memory box. We don't know if leaving them money would impact negatively on their relationship with their parents.

I wouldn't want to be left something by someone I'd estranged either DL

We're not talking about one child spending more time with their parent(s) than another VS. We're talking about a child who chooses to walk away from their parents and have nothing more to do with them.

We've made our decision and are comfortable with it, some EP's will do the same and others wont but it is not for you are anyone else to judge whether or not we love the children who have estranged us.

Love is love even if we dont get it back
That is exactly what the letter Smileless intends to send to her ES will underline.

So how does it work?

Gifts are given to those we love and care for.

Through life child A spent more time with parent than child B so how is the split worked out?

Child A married someone we like and child B didn't so how is the split worked out?

Child A never argued with us but child B did so how is the split worked out?

If you are saying that the entitlement to a gift is measured by the strength of the relationship then there must logically be a scale?

I can understand saying, no relationship, no inheritance but then, why on earth prove there is a relationship by sending a letter thus showing the estranged child they were loved but are being punished?

Either there is a relationship or there isn't. If there isn't and there is no inheritance then there should be no letter either and both parties should simply move on

Inheritance isn’t a “right” nor is it an entitlement. It’s a gift.

Currently, my will is split equally between my 2 children, but that’s in my scenario of us all getting along, and offering each other love and support in life.

But, if that changed, long term, then all things would change.

I was estranged from my ex MIL and turned down whatever she’d left me. I just wasn’t interested. Why would I be?

I didn’t want to know her in life, and I didn’t want to profit from her death.

Seems odd (to me) to expect something from someone you’d ignored for years.

The other thing is that care costs (at home or in a home) soon hoover up assets or cash - so it may mean that I can’t leave them a thing.

I hope not - but who knows?😉

Imagine it were the other way around. Sometimes children do not outlive us. If your son left you an "I love you" letter behind now, how would you feel? Because I think it would hurt. I think you would wonder about all those years you just wanted an unconditional "I love you".

And that is an unconditional "I love you" letter, it would be entirely easy to slip some ifs or buts in there which would throw salt all over the place

Inheritance is most definitely a gift. We have threads on this forum that are very upsetting to read about Grandparents Christmas and birthday gifts being returned with a note to say don’t send any more.

Gifts being returned to grandparents by EAC saying they are being harassed. It’s heartbreaking and cruel.

Why is an inheritance a gift of money any different?

And would these EAC accept it anyway.

I’d leave their share to the grandchildren to be given at an age when they are able to accept the gift.

The grandchildren the innocents in estrangement.