Estranged daughter and my will

It's your last legacy Smileless it matters

Love is shown throughout our lifetimes

If love is the message then send it now

Love is love, even if we don't get it back

There's no need to be hurtful VS, surely you can disagree without being so.

I don't suppose it does make sense to you VS but you're not estranged from a child of your own and you're not me are you.

It's just having the last word really isn't it?

It's petty

Why would you send a letter to someone after passing that you wouldn't send while still alive?

Why leave an "I love you letter" in a will? It doesn't make any sense as something intended to do good

Either send it now or don't do it would be my advice

An inheritance is a gift. It's not something that's earned, it's not a right, it's a gift. Why would someone want or expect to receive a gift from someone they've chosen to have nothing to do with?

There will be photographs left to our ES.

Why is leaving a letter telling your ES rubbing salt in the wound? Maybe leaving an inheritance could be regarded as rubbing salt in the wound too, who knows.

As I've already posted, it's bad enough living with being estranged without being told that if you disinherit your EAC, you don't love them, are wanting to have the last word etc.

That's exactly what I am saying Whiff we shouldn't act like an inheritance must be earned by our children...

That's an awful can of worms isn't it?

VioletSky you don't earn an inheritance. If that was the case people who leave their inheritance to say a cat home does that mean the cats earned the money. No of course not . Who we leave any inheritance is up to us. And anyway who's to say any parent will leave anything to their children in the end if their property and all the parents savings have to be used for their care until they die.

Even before my son estranging me both him and his sister said the same thing they didn't want any inheritance and I was to spend money on myself.

Even though estranged from my son and daughter in law. I am proud both couples my daughter and son in law . As both couples paid for their own weddings and brought their own homes and do everything they do without any financial help from me as I have never been in the position to help them . My husband died 20 years ago aged 47 when the children where 20 and 16. But we had put the money aside for their education which was used up.

I was thr elder child who was disinherited,my Mother was a toxic woman who was aided and abetted by my sister who got the whole inheritance. She was a greedy horror.
I did not feel bad at the time, but as years passed in my head I was angry at her.
If you are going to disinherited your son smileless I urge you not to leave a letter saying how much you love him,especially as you have disinherited him, it just rubs salt in the wound. I was spared that thank God.

I think it doesn't work saying the EAC are measuring love in terms of material things and financial gifts because the person cutting them out of the will is also doing that when they cut them out by saying "you didn't earn it"

I still love my ES pascal and as an EP it's awful enough having to live with it, without some suggesting he isn't loved because we've chosen to disinherit him.

I don't know if I'll die happily or not, but I do know I'd have died a lot more happily if he'd still been in my life.

He will receive a letter in our wills, assuring him of our love. It's up to him whether or not he chooses to believe it.

Smileless2012

So despite saying that all children should be treated equally in a will karmalady you don't feel it necessary to treat them equally in general.

This is not a criticism BTW, just an observation.

your observation is incorrect smileless. They are all treated equally but quietly, no song and dance from me. They have all initially had a generous cash gift, which they have all spent wisely, that was soon after I was widowed 9 years ago and now that tax exempt . Two have needed some help during the past couple of years and I have been there for them, they never asked but as an empathetic mum, I have seen what was needed. The third will be getting the equivalent over the years as and when

We are all close and loving and kind to each other and everything will even out, even after the will

Yes, not about money really...

As the poster above mentions, not a single photo to remember her childhood by, it's not about the "things" it's about the message being the opposite of love

It's what I expect, it's what I always already knew, I wasn't the daughter they wanted in some way, I didn't make the decisions they wanted in life, I didn't marry a person they found acceptable, I didn't give them enough reasons to feel good about themselves so I was tossed away before I walked away

Smileless2012

Knowledge; what knowledge? If some AC measure whether or not or how much their parents love them based on material/financial gifts, that could explain why some estrangements happen.

EAC have the final word when they estrange.

we will have to agree to differ.. If estranged parents still love their children then I think they will die more happily with the knowledge that they have expressed that in their will.. It isn't really about money but intention

Knowledge; what knowledge? If some AC measure whether or not or how much their parents love them based on material/financial gifts, that could explain why some estrangements happen.

EAC have the final word when they estrange.

Smileless2012

Disinheriting an EAC isn't "the ultimate denial of love" M0nica.

I tend to agree that Monica has a valid point. The child will have to live with that knowledge for the rest of their life..

Though maybe the word final would be more appropriate.

I agree with previous comments. Help your daughter and grandchildren now as they need it.
Make sure the will leaves the same to each daughter, maybe some to grandchildren

Smilesless 👍🏻

Disinheriting an EAC isn't "the ultimate denial of love" M0nica.

Four years is not that long. Perhaps after an estrangement of 10 years, but even then, I could never cut a child out completely. Somehow it would be the ultimate denial of love.

As somebody who was left nothing I would think very carefully because my sister and I fell out because of it. I am the eldest and have always helped my mum and sister out whenever I could. When my mum died my sister wouldn't give me a copy of the will, when 6 months down the line it arrived it stated everything should be left to her ( a house on the south coast) which she has sold and I dont know where she's gone. I have no photo's of my childhood nothing to remember her by I am really hurt by my mum's behavior and the problem she's caused. We never fell out I would come back from France and treat them, meals out give money to my sister for a winter coat etc It's like I never existed.

I suppose, in the end, we all have to do what we are comfortable with, in regard to our own wills, and what we choose (or not) to take from those that leave us anything. 🙂

@karmalady, that's what we have done. My AC has made improvements to his home and used the lump sum sensibly. When this was gone, there were a few extra jobs which I paid for. I have kept a note of these costs so when I think my semi estranged son could do with extra help during my life time then he will get the same help, to the same value. He does not live a conventional lifestyle in a house but will certainly encounter maintenance problems where he lives, and I intend to help him out too. He has struggled with his mental health for a long time now but has never, ever asked for money. I have reached my limit with my AC but do safely have the same put away for my semi ES for when it's required. No 'sneaky' reducing the % either son will get in our wills. All will be 100% fair to both of them. This will happen regardless if God forbid, my semi ES eventually cuts ties completely. I did get a text on Mother's Day so there is hope. As one son is married and the other is not, I have also made the Executor my solicitor even though they would both be perfectly capable of sorting out probate. I have also recently applied for Power of Attorney just in case we can't look after our own affairs. My two lads do get on, but mental health can be challenging for time to time..

Elusivebutterfly

I know someone who was cut out of his DFs will. They were not close but not estranged. He blames his sister who did inherit and they are now estranged. The siblings future relationship is something to consider when making a will.

That would be the deciding factor for me, Elusivebutterfly. I’d like, above all, to leave behind a united, loving family.

So despite saying that all children should be treated equally in a will karmalady you don't feel it necessary to treat them equally in general.

This is not a criticism BTW, just an observation.