Estranged daughter and my will

Norah, I don`t have estranged family but have been in your position ie one dd needed financial help. I provided that and as with all transactions, I pencilled the date into my finance notebook. When the 7 years is up then I will quietly erase it and no-one will ever need to know, it will not cause hurt to anyone

My ds was in a pickle 3 months ago, I helped and the same will happen. There has not been any levelling up, I just know when one of them needs help. I think they realise that this help can only happen once. I have one more dd and know they have no savings so if eg a funeral was needed, then I would step in for them. I am not going to randomly offer help.

My sister has done similar, her dd needs an operation and she has been fobbed off month after month. My sister has now paid for her to go privately. It is between the two of them and I am the only other one who knows

That is referred too in our wills as our ES being adequately provided for during our lifetime.

That was our plan before being estranged as we, along with my brother, supplied the deposit for ES's first house which rolled over into the one he has now.

Smileless2012

You could level that one off with your wills Norah, if you chose to do so which if of course your choice.

Thank you.

I've never thought to what we needed to spend to subsidize her after her husband's death - I keep good books and am always fair/equal in all gifts, I'll sort that - lucky other daughters will receive a windfall.

That's very sad Elusivebutterlfy. A pity that the son's lack of inheritance meant more to him than his relationship with his sister.

We know two brothers where this happened, the eldest blaming his brother for their mother's will but it had nothing to do with him. He did pass something on to his niece and nephews, but that wasn't good enough for his brother, he wanted something for himself too.

I know someone who was cut out of his DFs will. They were not close but not estranged. He blames his sister who did inherit and they are now estranged. The siblings future relationship is something to consider when making a will.

You could level that one off with your wills Norah, if you chose to do so which if of course your choice.

I suppose a lot might depend on the size of estate. It costs a lot of money to contest a will if the original beneficiary fights the claim, and there have been several cases over the years where the costs out weighed the amount of the inheritance.

I posted this yesterday. Unconditional love is loving someone in spite of what they have done so not leaving an EAC an inheritance is not saying they are no longer loved. For me, an EAC who sees it that way and thinks they have the right to go to court says more about them than the parent(s) they estranged.

Smileless2012

karmalady posted that it takes two to tango, yes it does but it only takes one to ruin the dance and that one can be the EAC or the EP.

Yes, helping an AC out financially is quite normal, we've done that ourselves but have made sure that our other son was also given the same financial support regardless of his need. So, assisting the AC who is in your life and/or giving them a lump sum during your lifetime and not making provision for the EAC in your will so that they end up with the same %, is IMO a sneaky way of at the very least, reducing the EAC's inheritance.

We attempt to be very even handed, but there have been times where the day to day money flow from us to our daughters has not been equal.

For example: one of our older daughters was faced with the death of her husband, her finances took a tumble, she needed significant help - so we did. Our other 3 daughters had stable situations with their families, we continued along giving to them our normal amounts. No attempt has ever been made to level up that one off.

karmalady posted that it takes two to tango, yes it does but it only takes one to ruin the dance and that one can be the EAC or the EP.

Yes, helping an AC out financially is quite normal, we've done that ourselves but have made sure that our other son was also given the same financial support regardless of his need. So, assisting the AC who is in your life and/or giving them a lump sum during your lifetime and not making provision for the EAC in your will so that they end up with the same %, is IMO a sneaky way of at the very least, reducing the EAC's inheritance.

Esmay is quite right in mentioning the Inheritance Act. Whatever case it was determined on is irrelevant as the IA is often used to contest a will. People do have to be so careful especially as there are so many second marriages and step children to consider which I am sure you all are aware of. My view on disinheriting your EAC is to leave an equal share. My own mother cut my Estranged half sisters out of her will, but I put that right by giving their shares to their children. They were so relieved and I was glad they accepted it. I also have an ES who has serious mental health issues. Despite the issues, I have been in a fortunate position to give both my son's a substantial amount 3 years ago and I gave them both an equal share. For me that was more important than worrying whether the now ES would squander it. The stakes were high believe me, but he used it to study law and did amazing despite everything. We have done our best that we can for him emotionally too but sadly he isn't well again. Neither of them will get anything else until we pass away, but they will always know how much they are loved by us. I'm sure all EP's have gone through terrible pain and still hurting as much as our EAC, but we love them unconditionally or we should do. A will, if we have money left, is the final act we can do for them, regardless of whether we are estranged or not. Money isn't everything, but it sure helps. I want to leave this planet knowing that I did everything that's feasable to help my kids one way or another. It's the thought that counts and a last act of kindness we show them.
By all means help the AC that isn't estranged whilst you are living, it's your money to spend as you wish. That's something I do too, but I keep a mental note, and make sure that if my EC needed help in the future, they would get the same regardless of whether we are estranged or not. He still lives on what we gave him and doesn't claim benefits as far as I know. Not everyone will agree on this thread, but whatever the reason for the estrangement, and whether we perceive it as beyond cruel, I personally don't agree that we all do what's right for us. I think we do what's right for them too!

To the OP, I would caution about taking any action now that you may regret at a time when it will be too late to change.

MissAdventure

People are saying they would treat their children the same, are then suggesting people treat just one of theirs now.
So, just be more sneaky about favouring one.

No. Sneaky was not the intention at all.

OP: I’m close to my younger daughter who is going through a rough time with a divorce and two teenage grandchildren.

Helping AC whilst they're in difficult times is quite normal to parents and is what was suggested - not sneaky at all.

It is. If the daughter hadn’t been dependent on benefits she wouldn’t have succeeded.

GSM .
The Jackson / Ilott case always mentioned when you make a will with prejudice against a child .
I know that the daughter had /has financial problems .
It's still valid according to the solicitor that my friend consulted when making her complicated will .

IMO it’s going to depend so much on the circumstances of the estrangement.

I do know someone who’s cut an adult child out of their will, because the estrangement only happened after his marriage to a DiL from hell, who was clearly determined from the word go to hate them.

One of the parents has since died, and the remaining parent says they will never forgive the dc for the heartbreak caused to their spouse, and, never mind the will, (the dc had been helped very generously before) never wants to see him again.

We have known the parents in question so well, and for so long, to be 100% certain that the estrangement could not possibly have been their fault.

As I posted earlier, leaving an equal or substantial share to an EAC may cause resentment in the other child(ren) who didn't estrange sodapop.

Estrangement is truly awful and deciding what to do or not do in your will is hard. EP's have no way of knowing how their wills will be received and can only make their decisions based on what they believe to be right, and it's right if it's the right thing for them.

My late mum used to say “where’s there’s a Will there’s a relative” which always made me smile!

I just mentioned this thread to Himself for a man’s take on things. He said he’d leave the eldest daughters’s inheritance to her children, so they’d get more between them than any other grandchildren as they’d get their mum’s share - thereby making feelings known but without complete cut off.

There's a huge difference to disinheriting a child because you disagree with their lifestyle, and disinheriting a child who chose to have nothing more to do with you Esmay, who in many cases you've not been in contact with for years. The former would be all about control.

I would think it would depend on the reason(s) for estranging as to whether or not an EAC would want to receive and read a letter left to them in their parents will.

Where there was a history of abuse then I can't imagine why they would want to take the risk of possibly being abused by letter, one last time. Where that wasn't the case, a letter explaining why they've been disinherited which also tells them one last time that they were always loved, would only prove they were valued and loved if they choose to believe it.

As the only member of our family that as our ES remains in contact with is his elder brother, I can't imagine that he'd want to be left anything to remember any other family by, because he estranged them all.

Wills often bring out the worse in people, unfortunately yes they do DL

sodapop

I would agree that the best way to deal with this would be to divide the estate between grandchildren and all children. To do otherwise would only cause resentment between the children and cause further unnecessary family division.

If the elder daughter has also gone no contact with the younger daughter and her children as well as the parent, then there is no further division to be caused.
Gifts left in a will are just that, gifts. Nobody should be compelled to leave a gift to someone who has decided they want nothing to do with you in life, but wants everything to do with your estate when you're dead.
If the daughters still have a relationship then that's a factor to be taken into consideration, although I still think it's distasteful to expect an inheritance from someone you've rejected.

Any will that doesn't divide equally between your kids just causes tremendous bitterness between the siblings. It happened in our family.

Like some others I'd do what I can for the daughter I was in contact with whilst still alive and still include the estranged daughter in the will - ⅓ shares as you have already.

Do more now if at all possible!

I would agree that the best way to deal with this would be to divide the estate between grandchildren and all children. To do otherwise would only cause resentment between the children and cause further unnecessary family division.

The estranged daughter in the Johnson case which Esmay mentioned was only awarded money from her mother’s estate because she was living on benefits in rented accommodation.

VioletSky

Unless of course there have been occasions DiamondLily where you did do a lot of "thrashing around" and that was entirely related to yourself

In which case I apologise for misjudging you and thinking you wouldn't do that

No, I didn’t, but I’ve lived long enough, and seen enough people die, to know that some do.

Wills often bring out the worst in people, unfortunately. ☹️