Estranged daughter and my will

There are many estranged parents in the UK now .
I know one , who is cutting her children from her will .

In theory , we are all entitled to leave our worldly goods to whoever we like .
But -
it isn't as cut and dried as you think .
Your older daughter can contest the will -
according to the Inheritance Act 1975 .
The case that is always mentioned is that of a Mrs Jackson .
As she strongly disapproved of her daughter's lifestyle -she cut her out of her will and left her estate to animal charities having never donated to them before .
Her daughter (Mrs Ilott ) contested it and was awarded £50,000 , then it was augmented to £163,000 and finally she was given £50,000 .

I wouldn't privately confide in your younger daughter .
Nothing ever remains a secret .

I would have a rethink about the division , but certainly leave your older daughter something and not just a small token .
She can't rely on gaining from her in laws will .

I really hope that you are reunited and this becomes an unpleasant history that you can forget .

Unless of course there have been occasions DiamondLily where you did do a lot of "thrashing around" and that was entirely related to yourself

In which case I apologise for misjudging you and thinking you wouldn't do that

"thrashing around, wanting something from a woman I despised"

Well that is certainly in interesting way to put it

Some EAC actually do love their parents, they just can't be around them for many various reasons. Sometimes they had a good relationship with one parent but had to stay away from the other. Sometimes what they would have liked in the will was something they could remember a loving family member by, like an aunt or a grandparent...

Blanket judgements are cathartic but not always appropriate

Rosie51

If a child estranges their parents but still expects to receive an inheritance then I think it says much about their selfishness and entitlement. If I'd had no contact with any relative let alone my parents I wouldn't even accept a legacy, it would be hypocritical and I'd lose all self-respect. Money doesn't equate to love, caring and being present demonstrates love.

The op hasn't said if the two daughters still have a relationship. If the elder daughter has also estranged her sister and nieces/nephews then there is no relationship to endanger by leaving everything to them.

Yes, my ex and I estranged his mother decades ago. When she died, she had left ex, myself and the kids something. We all turned it down, and arranged for other relatives to sort it out amongst themselves.

I don’t know what it was, and I don’t care.

We didn’t want to know her in life, we didn’t want anything from her death.

My ex felt no bitterness towards his sisters - he made the choice to estrange, as did I, and we stood by that choice.

To be thrashing around, wanting something from a woman I despised, would have made me a grabby, hypocrite.

And, whatever my faults, I’m not that.🙂

Nmama

I suggest that you avoid giving either of them pain by treating them the same. That will be easier for them in the long run.

This. You birthed both of them and something caused the split, please don`t blame your oldest daughter for that. It takes two to tango

Both should be equal in your will and perhaps one day your daughters will be united, maybe that would be the best gift. Vengence is not the way forward

*People are saying they would treat their children the same, are then suggesting people treat just one of theirs now.
So, just be more sneaky about favouring one.*

If one kid is estranged you know absolutely nothing of their life.
If one kid isn't estranged and needs a new car, having a rough time, whatever, of course help out if you can. That's not sneaky, it's common sense.

We don't know the background to this story and southwestgran is entitled to privacy. We are not estranged from our AC so I can only imagine what I would do in OPs situation. Regardless of what had happened I would hate to leave behind two daughters who were daggers drawn . I think I would treat them equally after my death - but in a bad situation with feelings of anger and resentment.........who knows? It must be a dreadful position to be in and the OP must do what feels right.

As an EAC I'm not at all bothered by money in the will

However, I view the contact telling me I was cut out of it unnecessary and goading. Any letter sent will be burned because I know it will just be filled with spite... I could probably write it now and get it spot on, spelling errors and all... Nothing I haven't heard before

Do i think it right that as the daughter who was always kind and loving and received nothing but punishment in life gets nothing while the son who does the bare minimum gets rewarded?
No but that's not how life should have ever been

EAC in general?

I guarantee, most EAC feel themselves justified to estrange no matter what you or I would make of their situation. They are likely expecting the outcome of a letter designed to make them feel bad

If what is wanted was to prove they were loved and valued and wrong... Cutting them out of the will won't achieve that. I promise they will only feel validated in their decision. Every single one of them

the OP needs to follow her own heart and conscience exactly Scotsmum.

Your brother's children didn't have their father in their lives but if that's not the case, leaving an inheritance to your GC and leaving nothing to their parent, your EAC, could create problems in their relationship.

We took that into consideration when we decided not to have our GC as beneficiaries. The only GC we have our ES's children.

Not really a comment, as such, more a ‘this is what happened to us’ story.

I am the younger of two children. My older brother made it clear from early teens that he despised and disliked us all (and always hated me for simply being alive); he couldn’t wait to get away. The underlying reason for this seemed to be open resentment towards my parents for not being at all well off and thus not able to afford to fund the lifestyle he had decided he was entitled to.

Letters he wrote to them were full of poisonous hate. He severed all links with our parents and set about living a life which he was happy with (and always at someone else’s expense). News filtered through sporadically. They only found out that he’d had a child when I received a postcard, for example.

Things continued this way for many decades; then he simply vanished, even from his partner’s and children’s lives, he was untraceable. He never knew when our father died, nor when our mother died. He then resurfaced abroad, but still wanted nothing to do with us.

In my mother’s will I found she had left everything to me and nothing to my brother (she lived in England but you can’t do this in Scotland where I am).

I have seen to it that his children have received a share not just because they were totally innocent, but because they also suffered appallingly at his hands. They expected nothing from their grandparents and were overwhelmed with gratitude that I had seen fit to have this done for them as they are all struggling in different ways.

But that misses the point: it was never done for me to bask in unearned gratitude, but to go some way to making amends for what to me felt like an injustice.
Yes, of course it was always my mother’s choice and prerogative as to what happened to her modest estate; but to cut his children off because their father had behaved badly seemed unnecessary and cruel, I felt two wrongs didn’t make a right. I also felt tremendous relief once those transfers had been made.

So it’s not all black and white, clear cut, that this or that is fair or unfair. Each situation needs to be decided on its own merits and the OP needs to follow her own heart and conscience.

Money doesn't equate to love, caring and being present demonstrates love I agree Rosie and EP's can't demonstrate their love because they care from a distance, unable to be present in their EAC life.

So, just be more sneaky about favouring one a good point MissA. At least deciding to cut your EAC out of your will is honest, rather than giving as much as you can during your life time to your other child(ren) so there's little to leave when you die, maybe in the hope that the EAC doesn't think it's worth getting upset over.

I can't imagine why any EAC would expect to inherit and/or be hurt if they don't, but EP's need to do what they feel is right for them. They cannot and should not be made to feel responsible for how their EAC may or may not feel.

That is out of our control in the same way that for many EP's their estrangements are.

If your adult child estranges you and doesn't know or care if you're alive or dead, why oh why would they expect anything from you. They have literally binned you, as if you're worthless. I would rather leave it to the NSPC or RNLI.
I don't think anyone that has not been estranged can possibly understand. In this instance I would help the daughter and gc out that needs it and try very hard to enjoy yourself and spend it. You earnt it. Always leave a letter stating why they are not in the will.

People are saying they would treat their children the same, are then suggesting people treat just one of theirs now.
So, just be more sneaky about favouring one.

If a child estranges their parents but still expects to receive an inheritance then I think it says much about their selfishness and entitlement. If I'd had no contact with any relative let alone my parents I wouldn't even accept a legacy, it would be hypocritical and I'd lose all self-respect. Money doesn't equate to love, caring and being present demonstrates love.

The op hasn't said if the two daughters still have a relationship. If the elder daughter has also estranged her sister and nieces/nephews then there is no relationship to endanger by leaving everything to them.

I think you do have to live it, it's an awful thing, but you have to do what you feel deep down is right for you. I could never give what I have spent a life time lovingly building to someone who has obviously no feelings for me. It will all be left to the person who cares deeply for me.

I suppose you have to live it to know and I m not estranged but I can only imagine how I d be and no matter what anyone had done to me I couldn’t treat them differently at my death.

Of course there’s a different reaction …..spend it all before you go then there’s nothing to leave anyone .. problem solved

We have had no contact with our son for nearly eleven years, he has now been written out of our wills. I cannot think of a reason why he would be given anything that belongs to us including money or property.

BlueBelle

Oh no no no treat them the same in your will even though she has estranged herself she is still your daughter Definitely split it three way, her, her sister, and the grandchildren or give the younger daughter who is struggling something along the way which no one needs to know about

I agree with this too. It would be sad to leave a legacy of discord between your daughters as a. result of only one inheriting.

No would be my genuine answer Iam64

But would it matter if it were money or not? Maybe a sentimental heirloom, it could be as daft as a stool someone sat on as a child.

It's the thought that counts?

I'd keep it even between my kids.
I might not like them at some points but I can't imagine not loving them.

Maybe give your youngest a lump sum, if you can, before you pass.

Will complex grief be aided by money - genuine question
Estrangement is awful for everyone involved - most people try very hard to prevent it. Once it happens and when years of loss and grief take hold - reconciliation becomes increasingly difficult it seems

To be fair, I think how you intend it does actually matter after reading that comment from Smileless

If you cut a child out of a will in order to "punish" them, that is not healthy, especially if you try to make that clear in some way by letting them know that.

If you write a will having not had a relationship for some time and decide that you will honor those who you are close to. I don't see why that wouldn't be healthy

If you decide that you want to leave something to an estranged child because you want them to know you loved them and thought of them, that seems healthy.

Many times things hang on intention really

But I do think the comments about siblings matter and should be considered. Because whether the estranged sibling is right or wrong to feel that way, it may cause friction between them that is a terrible legacy to leave behind. I say that because I think people who estrange are going to go through some sort of grief when the person they estranged dies. We may find it easier to think they wouldn't care but I don't think that is the case really. Those emotions are going to have an impact on how the situation is handled

You make a valid point Violet, an inheritance could pay for rehab, provide accommodation. In many families, parents have been trying to support stability, pay for rehab, stepped in to care for grandchildren etc - but without success.
An inheritance could also fund continuing substance misuse.
No easy answers in these intractable desperately sad situations

It isn't about hurt feelings Norah or inflicting a punishment. We believe that inheritance is a gift, you don't give gifts to those you no longer have contact with and don't accept them either.

We are OK with our choice, as OK as we can be because estrangement is not something we would ever have chosen. Hopefully the OP will be as content as she can be with whatever she chooses to do.

Smileless2012

That's a very valid point Iam.

In our situation prior to being estranged everything had been OK, in fact better than OK but for us, it would be inappropriate to have our ES as a beneficiary.

Doing so is not a punishment, favouring his brother or indicative of us not having unconditional love for him. If he chooses to see it as any of the aforementioned, there's nothing we can do about that, just like there was nothing we could do to prevent the estrangement in the first place.

Iam does make a good point -- one that I've never heard or thought prior.

Respectfully, may I ask, is it inappropriate to have ES as a beneficiary because he somehow hurt your feelings? I suspect I've no idea why an ES that is worthy to disinherit (not my business, I know).

However, as it's not punishment, nice you're ok with your choice.

Hopefully OP will also be content with whatever choice is made