Estranged daughter and my will

Violet sky, I’ve been reading your comments and I am thankful to you for providing information from the EC point of view in way that I can understand. I have been seeking to understand and process my own daughter’s estrangement and I am making some very difficult inheritance decisions.

While I don’t really agree with you, I do appreciate hearing your thoughts without anger and attack. So, thanks

I understand that too Witzend. Were we not estranged, we'd have done a 50/50 split regardless of their personal financial circumstances.

I certainly do see why people may feel entitled to receive a legacy - if there have been ‘normal’ , reasonably happy relationships. It simply wouldn’t occur to most people I know to cut their children out of their will - unless perhaps one was now rolling in money while another could really do with it. In which case I dare say they’d tell them in advance.

I do know someone who’s cut an adult son out, after a complete estrangement for no apparent reason - except that he’d married the DiL from hell who was clearly determined from the word go to hate them.

The father in question told us he’d never, ever forgive the son for the pain caused to his wife, who had been very unwell for years anyway, and died without ever seeing or hearing from her son again.

Having taken the difficult decision some years ago to disinherit our ES, it's been good to see so many on this thread who have done the same.

Not for revenge or because we don't love our EAC or want to leave them with the legacy of believing we didn't, all of which I have seen suggested as being the reasons on GN, but because for those of us who have done so, it's the right decision for us.

I have been estranged from my son for 15 years. His choice sadly. My son is in my will but only to make it clear we do not wish him to inherit.
I am at complete peace with this.
We no longer know each other.
We no longer love each other.
Sad but true. It’s been a long heartbreaking journey to acceptance.
I would much rather leave my worldly wealth ( if there is any) to people who wanted me in their lives when I was alive.

We have changed our wills since dd cut us out of her and gc × 4 lives.
We believe in fairness and to be fair to everyone who cares about us we had to make a few decisions, one of which was to cut dd out of will. I still send Birthday, Christmas, Easter cards to all, and postcards from our travels to the grandchildren, in the hope that they get them and realise that they do have a Nanna and Gan Gan who love them.

Alana how very sad, there are similarities with my experience and yours.
I dare say you’ve tried everything to make up and been rebuffed. Don’t suppose you could appeal to your ex to tell the truth.
I have continued to send cards but now I think I will stop, it’s been so long we could never get over the years of cruelty. I could not ever forget how she has made me feel. I missed her because she was my much loved daughter, but that was then way back when she was ordinary not this vengeful and unkind woman. I have made up my mind to have the best life I can as I did my best and she’s not worrying about me. Her father disappeared when my children were young and thought I could bring them up on fresh air, he never ever saw them , so it’s in the genes.
Life goes by so quickly don’t waste it on people that have not any feelings. Spend your money.

Estrangement is so difficult and painful, I'm so sorry for all those families touched by it

Our daughter hasn’t spoken to us for six years, changed my will to leave her nothing her share will be divided up to the four grandchildren. She has hurt us too badly in the past and of course if things change in the future a new Will can be made but it is looking doubtful that this will happen. We had to put a letter with the Will explaining the reason for excluding her so she couldn’t go to court

So sad ALANaV shame you can't tell her the truth about her dad, sounds the same as my AC dad, never paid a penny in child support. But my AC have stayed with me and don't have much to do with their dad. He lives overseas, so only see him at weddings & funeral. Well, I should have said 2 of my AC, haven't seen my youngest D for 11yrs, no reason, she will now see her dad when he comes over, before she estranged, she wouldn't see him.

I changed my will southwestgran. My 2 AC in my life will inherit, my estD nothing. You could change your will so the estD gets something, but not half or a third.

I've only read the first page & a couple on this last one.

I too have an estranged daughter and My husband and I changed our Will to provide her share to her children, our grandchildren. We saw this as a fair option.

My only daughter (only child) stopped communicating with me 17 years ago..she used to bring friends etc on holiday when we lived abroad. I only found out where she now lives, is married, and has a son of nearly 9 ....I send cards to her, her now husband and my grandson. I receieve no acknowledgment There are photos of her and her in laws online, also her father (my ex husband0 and his family. Very hurtful as HE left when she was six, and refused to send her a letter, birthday cards etc//I used to post a parcel pretending it was from daddy !1! I had three jobs as she was growing up, went to University ...bought her a car and funded all the costs including a fourth year a University for he MSc. She was wonderful as a teen ...would go home from school, get dinner ready (I used to batch cook at the weekends and freeze meals for the week)...she would do (unasked) the ironing and cleaning...I paid her although she didn't ask or expect anything ! she has told people I was a bad mother ...but those who knew us, neighbours, school friends' mums, etc said that is simply not true....I think her father has told tales about me which are in no way true ...I don't know, but this could be a reason ! HE walked out on her and it was only my asking through the child support agency and my solicitor, that he come to see her. She did once tell me, when she was a teenager that she was never going to look after me when I go old, but would put me in a home ....I just laughed and said I hope she could afford it ! Very sad but I can see from posts on social media she looks happy s that is all I can hope for ! My solicitor has been told that if she ever contacts me she will inherit everything ...but if no contact, it goes to friends and charities (NOT that if I have to pay £6,000 a month for a care home, as there will be nothing left !!

Smileless2012

My brother spent several years as a solicitor, representing children in abuse cases DL, he was on the Child Care Panel and eventually had to give it up because the terrible cases of abuse eventually got too much for him.

Wills can be changed Cambsnan if the situation changes.

I haven't misread you VS, I quoted you.

Yes, Child Protection is draining - day after day of abuse.☹️

And, yes, Wills can be changed easily, although I won’t be changing mine. I can’t forgive my step kids 😉

Divide your property as you see fit. In our wills my hubby and have different amounts for each child and grandchild.
My parents have done the same. My one brother will receive next to nothing as he hasn't spoke to my parents for 20+ years except when I let him know that our dad was in hospital and he made 1 phonecall to him.

Misunderstood then Smileless

My brother spent several years as a solicitor, representing children in abuse cases DL, he was on the Child Care Panel and eventually had to give it up because the terrible cases of abuse eventually got too much for him.

Wills can be changed Cambsnan if the situation changes.

I haven't misread you VS, I quoted you.

You may heal the rift in time and then what? Will you tell her you disinherited her? Try again to form some sort of relationship with her. Show her nothing but love.

OP came and got the advice she sought from many perspectives and has a lot to think about... Which is only a good thing

Smileless2012

Even those of us who were and remain good parents can't and will never fully understand why we've been estranged VS. Even if we are certain that they have been the victim of coercive control by their partner.

We know that it happens, there are examples on this thread alone where parents who have clearly loved and supported their children, as children and adults have been estranged.

It isn't a strange phenomenon that is apparently happening it is happening and you've been on GN long enough, to have read enough posts on this forum to know it's happening.

I don't personally know anyone who had abusive parents, but I don't question the fact that abusive parents exist, and if I hadn't been estranged, if I read an account from a good parent who had been, I wouldn't question that either.

It’s about a balanced view. From years in a Child Protection dept, I know how evil some adults can be towards children.

Many times I came home and just sat and cried with what I’d heard and seen that day. Abuse so horrendous it was hard to compute.

I wouldn’t blame any of them for cutting off all contact with their parents.

On the other hand, I’ve known great parents who have been estranged for absolute trivia and who don’t understand the problem - refusal to childmind, hand over money, jealousy by in laws et etc.

They all exist.

But, estranged parents, whatever the reason, are entitled to set their Wills as they feel best.

You have misread me Smileless

There is no need for an issue

As I have shown it was about my own feelings of not knowing a loving mother and wishing I did, not about anyone else here or anywhere

Even those of us who were and remain good parents can't and will never fully understand why we've been estranged VS. Even if we are certain that they have been the victim of coercive control by their partner.

We know that it happens, there are examples on this thread alone where parents who have clearly loved and supported their children, as children and adults have been estranged.

It isn't a strange phenomenon that is apparently happening it is happening and you've been on GN long enough, to have read enough posts on this forum to know it's happening.

I don't personally know anyone who had abusive parents, but I don't question the fact that abusive parents exist, and if I hadn't been estranged, if I read an account from a good parent who had been, I wouldn't question that either.

It actually wasn't me who changed the direction of the conversation into what I replied to Diamondlily

Others are sharing their different situations and I would like to be able to do the same

VioletSky

Oh of course there are lots of ways to be a good parent and all different types of families make good ones

But I didn't have a good parent, a parent who loved me.

I would still, heading to 50, give anything to have had a mother who loved me with my quirks and faults of my own... Who are these people willing to give that up?

Yes, that’s your experience, and it’s sad that you didn’t get on with some of your family. You did, by estranging, what was best for you.

All good.

But this thread is about estranged parents, who have been estranged for many reasons, saying what they are doing about their Wills.

Hopefully, with your children, this situation will never arise.

Oh of course there are lots of ways to be a good parent and all different types of families make good ones

But I didn't have a good parent, a parent who loved me.

I would still, heading to 50, give anything to have had a mother who loved me with my quirks and faults of my own... Who are these people willing to give that up?

There are many reasons for estrangement - it’s all very sad.

The healthiest families are those that jog along, accepting each other’s quirks/faults -which we all have.