Estranged daughter and my will

or just selfishness.
people age, are less useful as the suppliers of goods and services, and crucially money.
mother, we need a bridging loan, we must have that house, if we don't pay now, right now, we'll lose it.
these are never people who are indigent, or homeless.
can't you take it from your pension.
there must be a way. mother, don't let us down. ...
piling on the pressure, and foolish fond doting mother contorts herself into penury almost, to help them.
when she can't, has no more, is confined to quarters, well they are busy, have places to go, things to do, restaurant tables booked, which they tell her, as they leave after a short b'day visit, empty-handed.

I have an estranged daughter for no reason at all, but my son visits once a month as he's busy self employed and we keep in touch by text, my daughter didn't bother turning up to my late mother's funeral way back 2007 and never spoke since so what I leave will be all for my son and I told him so, as if I'm ill in older life he will look after what's best for me so I would give it 3 year's if your oldest daughter don't get in touch leave it to younger daughter and help her with divorce and finance should she need it. Ain't seen my daughter for nearly 20 year's so nothing will be left to her at all.

Diamonlily I mentioned coercion myself but as I said I could not blame the estranger for that. Same with mental health or addiction issues... I would just be hoping they were healed one day

So again, my point stands, I can't understand why anyone who is not dealing with the above would estrange a good parent... It's a strange phenomenon that is apparently happening and I've never met anyone I can ask about it to understand it

VioletSky

I genuinely will never understand why anyone would ever cut off a good parent..

Abusive people generally don't estrange their victims unless it's a silent treatment till they get what they want situation

Sometimes an abusive other cuts someone off from their family to enable hiding their abuse but I could never blame the victim of that

So what the justification could be for an individual estranging a good parent, I will never understand

Unfortunately I have never come across anyone who did that to ask what on earth they were thinking

Really? I have.

Addictions, mental health, coercion etc can play a huge part in estrangement.

Baring in mind. Not a single EAC on these threads have said they want anything from the will...

I personally do not. If it happens I will use it to benefit my children only. It would make me feel terrible to have it

I genuinely will never understand why anyone would ever cut off a good parent..

Abusive people generally don't estrange their victims unless it's a silent treatment till they get what they want situation

Sometimes an abusive other cuts someone off from their family to enable hiding their abuse but I could never blame the victim of that

So what the justification could be for an individual estranging a good parent, I will never understand

Unfortunately I have never come across anyone who did that to ask what on earth they were thinking

welbeck

just a comment from an outsider to all this;
someone said it would be hypocritical for ACs who have estranged themselves from parents, to then accept an inheritance from parents.
maybe i don't understand, quite likely so.
but it strikes me that the type of people likely to cut off their parents without good reason, eg real abuse or continuing toxicity affecting children, are quite likely to be hypocrites.
the kind who never see or acknowledge their own faults or limitations, but are highly critical of others.
they also tend to be humourless people.
the ability to laugh at oneself and to practice that often is a healthy trait.
i am rambling. sorry.
am currently observing people who are so money obsessed and shewed little real regard or care for disabled parent, now doubling down on seeking money.
don't suppose any notion of hypocrisy will deter them.

Probably not, no. But, they can’t have it all ways. If they think they are right, then that’s fine, but they have to live with the results.

just a comment from an outsider to all this;
someone said it would be hypocritical for ACs who have estranged themselves from parents, to then accept an inheritance from parents.
maybe i don't understand, quite likely so.
but it strikes me that the type of people likely to cut off their parents without good reason, eg real abuse or continuing toxicity affecting children, are quite likely to be hypocrites.
the kind who never see or acknowledge their own faults or limitations, but are highly critical of others.
they also tend to be humourless people.
the ability to laugh at oneself and to practice that often is a healthy trait.
i am rambling. sorry.
am currently observing people who are so money obsessed and shewed little real regard or care for disabled parent, now doubling down on seeking money.
don't suppose any notion of hypocrisy will deter them.

Delila

*DiamondLily*, that could depend on the relationship between the siblings.

Well, yes, it would, but we can only make our wills to reflect our wishes. With care costs now, many wills won’t be worth much anyway.

We all can only do as we think best.

My son has been difficult all his adult life. We helped him financially and emotionally many times with little gratitude. He estranged himself from us, even making no contact when his dad was dying with cancer and never attended the funeral. After my husband died I made another will and left half to my daughter, who he also chose to estrange himself from and half between my grandchildren, one of which is his child. I have added a letter as advised by my solicitor, explaining my reason why. I feel no regret at doing this, just sad, a child I gave birth to can treat me and his family so cruelly.

DiamondLily, that could depend on the relationship between the siblings.

Iam64

Estrangement from parents caused by one child is likely to have caused great distress amongst siblings. Often attempts to build bridges with the estranger will have been attempted and rejected. The siblings relationship may be permanently broken. The adult children who look after, support and love each other and their parents, may resent the awful pain caused by the estranger. This isn’t a prodigal son scenario, where an adult child was a wayward young person, recognises that, acknowledges the pain caused and hoped to be accepted back into the family.
Inheritance in these circumstances - what purpose does it serve

No, it doesn’t. Either be part of a family, or don’t.🤷‍♀️

Delila

Yes, I agree with those who think of the relationships, particularly between siblings, that may be affected in future by your decisions regarding your will, one way or another.

Whatever you do can have repercussions. If one AC has been close to their parents, maybe cared for them etc. they may feel more than angry if the other AC, who did nothing and didn’t care, received the same amount, simply because of a “blood tie”.

It’s best we all do what we feel is best with our Wills.

Rainnsnow

If the daughter has cut her parents if surely it would be hypocritical to want their money. The other daughter can except her inheritance knowing she has been left it with cutting her parents of . They can’t reward the estranged daughter as she no longer wants them as her family. The other child must see that as well.

Well, yes, that’s my view. Why on earth would you want anything from those who have upset you so much that you have estranged them?

That just looks hypocritical and grabby.🤔

Take advice about leaving bequests in trusts for your daughter and her children. A trust would ensure that the only the daughter would benefit and not some future partner if the relationship failed. Until the grandchildren are of age, a trust would ensure that their father would not have access to the bequest as surviving next of kin should anything happen to your daughter.

Rainnsnow

If the daughter has cut her parents if surely it would be hypocritical to want their money. The other daughter can except her inheritance knowing she has been left it with cutting her parents of . They can’t reward the estranged daughter as she no longer wants them as her family. The other child must see that as well.

It's not about how the adult child feels, it's about the inheritance, they have no say if they choose to estrange

It is about the parent and any other siblings and what the issues for siblings might be

Smileless2012

Coercive control became an offence in the UK in 2015 Norah. It is a recognised form of abuse and I'm sure we're all aware that victims of abuse are more often than not isolated from family and friends by their abuser, making their ability to escape their perpetrator difficult to say the least.

Coercive control contributing to estrangement is sadly not uncommon.

I understand, somewhat, coercive control as an offence. Not well enough to have any opinion - other than I do believe in free will.

I do understand some people are truly held captive - say Ronnie Spector, a public figure who explained such, when finally escaping (not that one must be a public figure, she just explained well, like Tina Turner).

"I don't like my in-laws" as coercive control? I fail to understand.

Smileless2012

Thank you for clarifying that you said and meant in your earlier post you do assume estrangements are never because of the influence of a third party Norah.

Correct.

You're welcome.

Coercive control became an offence in the UK in 2015 Norah. It is a recognised form of abuse and I'm sure we're all aware that victims of abuse are more often than not isolated from family and friends by their abuser, making their ability to escape their perpetrator difficult to say the least.

Coercive control contributing to estrangement is sadly not uncommon.

southwestgran

My elder daughter hasn’t spoken or contacted for four years despite me sending birthday cards and saying our door is always open. She is married but has no children. I’m close to my younger daughter who is going through a rough time with a divorce and two teenage grandchildren. I’ve always said I would treat my children the same no matter what they did but I’m now wondering if I should alter my will in favour of my daughter and grandchildren. Elder daughter has in-laws with property so they’ll benefit at some point.

Back to the post.

It seems to me the OP is of the opinion that elder daughter will receive from elder daughters in-laws. Perhaps so, perhaps not, life gets in the way (divorce, loss of property, etc). I find it odd to consider in-laws in the decision.

For me, fair and equal sends a message of love from the grave.

Even free will can be influenced by all sorts of factors which need to be taken into consideration, otherwise we’d all be doing exactly as we please in every circumstance.

If only life was so simple Norah.

Thank you for clarifying that you said and meant in your earlier post you do assume estrangements are never because of the influence of a third party Norah.

Smileless2012

Why would you assume that estrangement is never due to the influence of a third party Norah just because that wasn't the case with your s's.i.l.?

There have been numerous cases here on GN over the years where this has been the case.

I assume estrangements are never due to influence of another because I believe we all have free will. This is not a belief because of our sils, it's a belief I hold because as a Christian I believe everyone has the ability to decide for themselves (unless no mental capacity) on all range of problems/issues.

Our sils were example - nothing more.

I was going to say the same Delila. If an inheriting AC feels their sibling's been unfairly treated then they could make their own arrangements once the will has been enacted.

On the other hand as Iam has pointed out, the AC who has been a constant in their parents lives may resent the estranging sibling being a beneficiary.

It's impossible to know what the outcome may be so all we can do is what we believe to be right for us and our particular circumstances.

We made our decision about 4 years into our estrangement. Today I witnessed a friend's signature on her new will and as ours was re done about 7 years ago, took the solicitor's business card as we've been thinking about having them checked for peace of mind.

She told my friend that her's was pretty straightforward and I said ours are less so, due to being estranged by our youngest son. She said that 50% of her current clients updating their wills are doing so because they've been estranged by an AC.

As I posted earlier, it is not any easy decision to make and certainly not one that I'm sure many EP's ever envisaged having to make.