Advice needed - Daughter-in-law

I’m so sorry as this is spoiling your enjoyment of your grandchild.

We only have one grandchild, my stepdaughter’s, to whom I am very close and have always loved.

We had to take a bit of a back seat, as she had a bad pregnancy, baby unwell at birth and her own mother was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and 3 years later died in her late fifties!

We deliberately ALWAYS waited for invites as it was all so awful for them.

She was great at sending photos and updates but, very understandingly wanted to spend as much time with her Mum as possible and we gave them all space and time.

We did miss many milestones with our DGS, but live with it!

They live about an hour and a half away, we speak or message every week, have a family WhatsApp and see each other around once a month, as they are both working full time in very full on jobs.

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable.

Speak very carefully and discreetly with your son, explain how much you want to bond with your grandchild, offer to babysit (when he’s older) and just respect them.

NEVER invite yourself over again!

To be honest, I get the impression--I hope I'm wrong--that spending time with you may not be very pleasant for them. Perhaps that's the problem. You're unhappy that the baby was asleep some of the time when you visited: I'm aghast. That's what a happy, well-cared for baby does: sleep peacefully. The "competition" comment comes from the fact that you repeatedly say they're visiting others when they don't visit you. It's almost as though you're keeping score: how dare she visit other people if they don't visit you??

Well . . . maybe they LIKE seeing other people more because the other people are less critical and pleasanter to be around. You've repeatedly made the point that they're (in your opinion) not mature; I wouldn't enjoy spending time with people who feel that way about me. Her criticism is "unmentioned" but all the same, you've gotten your back up against her. I'm not surprised that she may seem hostile to you; you have nothing good to say about either of them. Perhaps your criticism of them comes across loud and clear. As VioletSky says, you seem unable to see where you're going wrong. I'll add that seeing you doesn't sound like it would be particularly pleasureable for them. People spend time with people who love them and are enjoyable to be around--not with people who see them as immature and who are bitter and critical. That's just human nature.

What would u have done different? If u think I did something wrong, curious

I realize seeing him 3 times a few waking hours is better than nothing in 8 months and I imagine I might be saying the same thing in the next 3-4 months. It’s sad. I won’t invite self again which means I’ll be a stranger like now to my grandson. There’s no FaceTime, nothing. I’m feeling sad about this today so wrote the post. When I stay busier it’s less painful

I’m not sure where the competition comment stems from. I am close to my own mom and understand and respect that bond. The comment was made because I see her family not just Mom get and receive visits from them, we wished we were included. My heart feels no competition only hurt.

I do not think in an 8 month period missing my son and wanting to see my grandson is overbearing, overstepping what others on here said. If I didn’t there would be no contact once in 8 months. No Grandma wants that.

She’s not depressed , but a good point that was considered. She’s often traveling to see other family members.

I’m loving your directness but I truly don’t see how calling twice in an 8 month period to see them and sharing we miss them and would love pictures and stayed 4 hours each time is overstepping, you really think? You’re reading hurt over not seeing my grandson, my loss of connection with my son, and my dil being rude for no reason as dislike, it’s heartbreak. I see them travel to see other family members of hers, the exclusion is real and we don’t understand why.

Turning this into a competition between which grandparents see more of the baby will not have a good ending. Of course the daughter in law turns to, and needs, her mother - not her mother in law. They are very young parents by today’s standards, newly married and presumably the pregnancy wasn’t planned. There’s a lot for them to get used to. Don’t put this pressure on them. You may see a visit as ‘only four hours’ - for them it’s half a day and if your son is working that’s a quarter of his precious weekend. He and his wife and baby are his immediate family now and I’m afraid you will have to accept that, and that his mother in law will be seen more frequently than you are. That’s life, and you can’t change it.

Good advice Dempie it's easy to get carried away but so important to ask after the parents and not just the baby.

Have you considered that your DIL may be suffering from Post Natal Depression and is simply unable to cope with visitors apart from her own Mother? I would ask your son if everything is OK with her health before saying anything else.

You are unable to hear where you are going wrong

This gives us insight into why your son is distancing himself and your DIL is supporting him

Thank you! I have made efforts with gifts for them not talking about baby. I do agree it’s so important as they are so young and not yet matured adults new to parenting too

No, they are only 23 and very immature (both) first time serious relationships which resulted in pregnancy so they got married. I am not kind of person to push anything on anyone, very introverted

Thank u. I didn’t feel like calling to ask if we could visit for 4 hours twice in an 8 month period was too much based on seeing their travels to her side of family and the frequency of her own Mothers visits. We try to respect their lives.

Summerlove

Grammie2

Thank u. I will continue to pray for them, their marriage and the baby. Mostly they would seek God and grow up. Without dragging up her behavior let’s just say at she’s been kinda mean to me thus my comment about her not liking me.

Oh lord.

Do not pray for grown adults to grow up. That’s put you in extremely bad light. Just because they are not doing what you want them to. It does not mean they are not grown-up.

I do hope you aren't pushing your religion on them..

I can't advise you without being completely direct here

By your own words, it actually looks like DIL is reacting to the way you treat them by overstepping boundaries and disliking her

You need to adjust your expectations and start respecting them as adults or this is going to go badly for you

You need to listen to the advice here because if you don't, a relationship breakdown will actually be your responsibility

All the advice given thus far has been good - wait quietly that baby is quite new. Don't invite yourself and force them to say no thank you we're busy. Rely on your son for pictures, not your busy dil.

We've only daughters - we never drop in, we never invite ourselves round. We wait quietly and get on with our lives. We certainly don't expect sonsIL to do any of the relationship work.

Just be patient - all will be fine. They are busy.

Grammie2

Thank u. I will continue to pray for them, their marriage and the baby. Mostly they would seek God and grow up. Without dragging up her behavior let’s just say at she’s been kinda mean to me thus my comment about her not liking me.

Oh lord.

Do not pray for grown adults to grow up. That’s put you in extremely bad light. Just because they are not doing what you want them to. It does not mean they are not grown-up.

Grammie2

Yes of course called before made the drive, only stayed 4 hours, took them to dinner both times and the baby slept part of each visit.

I would hope you aren’t shocked the baby slept?

At that age my children were still napping every 2-3 hrs? When younger it was every 90 mins like clockwork

Talk to your son. Do not mention or blame your DIL

We called because it had been two months since we saw them all each time and only stayed 4 hours taking them to dinner both times and the baby slept part of each visit. 6 hours of driving would be too much to not make sure a visit was allowed. They have traveled further multiple times to visit her side of the family

Thank u. I will continue to pray for them, their marriage and the baby. Mostly they would seek God and grow up. Without dragging up her behavior let’s just say at she’s been kinda mean to me thus my comment about her not liking me.

Thank u I will check out your mentioned reference to the ideas in relationship section. I know they are in overwhelming baby stage thus have stepped back and only called for the two short 4 hour visits in the 8 month period. They have traveled multiple times further to see her side of family so the travel time isn’t an issue. It’s shown us their priorities with time they have.

I realize its both if them, refers more towards her are for unmentioned criticism and rudeness she’s demonstrating to me.

Yes of course called before made the drive, only stayed 4 hours, took them to dinner both times and the baby slept part of each visit.