Advice needed - Daughter-in-law

❤️

Sadly a girl is always closer to her own mum than her husbands mum . Plus the distance doesn’t help
Try and remember how you felt when your own son was born , did you want your Mother in Law clucking round the baby , did you want to see anyone but your own mum ?
When you invited yourself I hope you booked into a hotel ? Not expecting to stay with them when they were getting used to baby ?

Well, it sounds as if something in the relatively recent past may have bothered not just your DIL but both of them--or possibly not; perhaps your son hasn't changed his personality entirely but is juggling being a parent, being a worker, and being a spouse, and being a son isn't in the forefront of his priorities (which is how it should be, in my opinion). Be wary of making the assumption that a daughter-in-law is controlling her adult, fully functioning husband. It may be the case, but guessing that it's the DIL's fault can blind a person to other reasons for a drop-off of contact.

You mentioned that you invited yourselves over twice; could that have bothered them? How long were your visits? Was it possible for them to tell you it wasn't a good idea at the moment, for whatever reason, or was that something you might have brushed off or been angry about? Very occasionally, visiting grandparents expect too much of their over-stretched offspring.

Often, after the birth of a baby, parents just don't travel much for a while, in part because physicians recommend that babies spent limited time in car seats. Do they have a lot of time off, or would the 6 hours in a car happen over the course of a Saturday and Sunday? That may be more than a pediatrician would recommend. It wasn't when I was a new mother, but it is now.

You could ask your son if there is anything you've done to damage your relationship, but only if you're willing to listen to what he says and not blow up on him. It may be, however, that having a baby has made their lives so much busier and more complicated that they're stretched thin. It may have nothing whatsoever to do with. For all you know, your daughter-in-law may have post-partum depression; probably not, but if she does, that might factor into things. On the other hand, my own husband felt like he'd been hit with a whammy when our son was born; he just hadn't expected what a change it would make in our lives.

In the "Relationships" part of this website there is advice on being a grandparent from a distance and on forming a strong relationship with a daughter-in-law; perhaps you might find something helpful there. Sending them some cheerful and undemanding cards or postcards might be helpful.

I think you are making the number one mistake here by blaming the DIL

Your son is the one you need to talk to and work on things with

It's not DILs responsibility to include you, it is your sons

Blaming your DIL will take you down a path that could cause a family fall out. Your son will put his wife and child first. You must accept that this is his responsibility and work on the relationship with him.

Keep praying - it does work. Grammie - I had a difficult time with my middle son and d.i.l. But it’s all good now. So, be patient. I do feel for you.

And btw, don’t invite yourself over - all my 3 children and families live within a 10 minute drive, but I never go uninvited. I might have gone once or twice uninvited , to my daughter’s house, after her divorce.

before they were pregnant They weren’t pregnant though She was pregnant he took part in her being pregnant but he’s not pregnant
Anyway that’s just me I hate that term because it’s not factual

Unfortunately for a lot of mums of boys they do move on when they have a wife (or girlfriend)
So the grandson is 8 months old? I can feel that it’s not turning out how you expected or wanted but if they live 3 hours away and you’ve been invited once had two uninvited visits in 8 months its not all bad
Have you asked your son to send you more photos ? I m not sure you can conclude she doesn’t like you, it IS normal for the girl to gravitate towards her own parents after pregnancy
You say you ve asked multiple times do you think that might be irritating them asking so much
I really liked my mum in law but I totally gravitated to my own mum and dad when I had children and needed help or advice or babysitting

The more you push, the more they will push you away. Sorry but thar is true. Step back, be pleasant and don’t bother them. Leave them to come to you. I have three daughters in law and lovely as they are I am not their mother and do not expect to be treated as such.

It’s hard, of course it is. Natural you want to see your grandchild. Can I suggest you focus on re-building the relationship with your son and daughter in law? Don’t focus on the baby. It might help. Hope there’s a positive outcome soon.

Lots of things here. One - they live 3 hours away so 6 round trip. That’s a distance. By your count it seems you’ve been invited once and (ghastly) turned up uninvited twice (you invited yourself really?! To a young couple wirh a new baby’s?!). So three times in 8 months isn’t really all that bad. I understand you’d like it to be more often but they have a life of their own as well I imagine.

You say your son has sent photos twice. Perhaps speak to him about this. It’s not her job to send you photos. Your son can do that as well.

Finally , think as to how you’re acting. Is it possible that asking over and over for photos , visits etc is putting them off ? That they didn’t appreciate your having invited yourselves ? As doing so is really quite rude and not likely to gain you any favors.

Above all else recognize that you’re blaming one person for the actions of a couple. Your son is also not inviting you , sending more photos etc. don’t fall down the “my adult child isn’t catering to me so it must be some nefarious coercive control” hole so many seem to cling to

Hello Grammie, I'm sorry your experience of being a GM for the first time is not at all what you expected. You are not alone, even without a 6 hour round trip paternal GP's can feel excluded to a certain extent.

As has already been suggested, ask your son if he can send photo's; 'he's so beautiful, I'd love to have some recent photo's of him'. Keep in regular contact with your son with chatty messages that aren't just about when you'll be able to see your GS again, but are about him and your d.i.l. too.

I hope things improve, because there are many years ahead for you to be able be the GM you so clearly wish to be .

Gin

The more you push, the more they will push you away. Sorry but thar is true. Step back, be pleasant and don’t bother them. Leave them to come to you. I have three daughters in law and lovely as they are I am not their mother and do not expect to be treated as such.

good advice.. just drop expectations and you'll be surprised how that changes the dynamics

The only advice I can offer is never invite yourself .

Hi! We asked if could come first and only stayed 4 hours, took them to dinner both times. The baby slept part of each visit.

Even if you ask first, it puts pressure on them to agree. I really wouldn’t do it.

Yes of course called before made the drive, only stayed 4 hours, took them to dinner both times and the baby slept part of each visit.

I realize its both if them, refers more towards her are for unmentioned criticism and rudeness she’s demonstrating to me.

Thank u I will check out your mentioned reference to the ideas in relationship section. I know they are in overwhelming baby stage thus have stepped back and only called for the two short 4 hour visits in the 8 month period. They have traveled multiple times further to see her side of family so the travel time isn’t an issue. It’s shown us their priorities with time they have.

Thank u. I will continue to pray for them, their marriage and the baby. Mostly they would seek God and grow up. Without dragging up her behavior let’s just say at she’s been kinda mean to me thus my comment about her not liking me.

We called because it had been two months since we saw them all each time and only stayed 4 hours taking them to dinner both times and the baby slept part of each visit. 6 hours of driving would be too much to not make sure a visit was allowed. They have traveled further multiple times to visit her side of the family

Grammie2

Yes of course called before made the drive, only stayed 4 hours, took them to dinner both times and the baby slept part of each visit.

I would hope you aren’t shocked the baby slept?

At that age my children were still napping every 2-3 hrs? When younger it was every 90 mins like clockwork

Talk to your son. Do not mention or blame your DIL

Grammie2

Thank u. I will continue to pray for them, their marriage and the baby. Mostly they would seek God and grow up. Without dragging up her behavior let’s just say at she’s been kinda mean to me thus my comment about her not liking me.

Oh lord.

Do not pray for grown adults to grow up. That’s put you in extremely bad light. Just because they are not doing what you want them to. It does not mean they are not grown-up.

All the advice given thus far has been good - wait quietly that baby is quite new. Don't invite yourself and force them to say no thank you we're busy. Rely on your son for pictures, not your busy dil.

We've only daughters - we never drop in, we never invite ourselves round. We wait quietly and get on with our lives. We certainly don't expect sonsIL to do any of the relationship work.

Just be patient - all will be fine. They are busy.

I can't advise you without being completely direct here

By your own words, it actually looks like DIL is reacting to the way you treat them by overstepping boundaries and disliking her

You need to adjust your expectations and start respecting them as adults or this is going to go badly for you

You need to listen to the advice here because if you don't, a relationship breakdown will actually be your responsibility