Brother - no girlfriend or wife

JudyBloom

Bluebelle, I have heard that sometimes people will put these sort of messages on websites literally to find out how people will react.

Where have you "heard" this? What do you mean by "this sort" of post?
I assume you've read the OP's earlier response where she's said how unwelcome she has been made to feel?

Bluebelle, I have heard that sometimes people will put these sort of messages on websites literally to find out how people will react.

I think your expectations need to be adjusted. You barely know him. There’s no reason to think he’d bring a partner to meet you or your parents when he didn’t have a relationship with any of you. “Hi, these are people you’re not going to see again.” I mean, what would be the point?

You haven’t been a part of each other’s lives for a long time. Let go of your expectations. Let go of who he used to be, and get to know who he actually is now.

BlueBelle

*I would assume at some point he would get the girl to meet his family*
Why on earth would you assume that….. in 25 years you spoke half a dozen words, why on earth would he want to introduce a girlfriend/ male friend or any other friend to someone he has no relationship with
You sound a very disjointed family so I don’t expect any friendship or relationships would be shared with any of you Why would he?

This

I would assume at some point he would get the girl to meet his family
Why on earth would you assume that….. in 25 years you spoke half a dozen words, why on earth would he want to introduce a girlfriend/ male friend or any other friend to someone he has no relationship with
You sound a very disjointed family so I don’t expect any friendship or relationships would be shared with any of you Why would he?

lcr123

With regards whether we would ever know if he had a girlfriend, I would assume at some point he would get the girl to meet his family. Surely a serious girlfriend would do this. Perhaps I’m from a different world.

He’s 45 for goodness sake. Unless he’s told the girl his family have died or he has cut contact with them.

Again this would make situation even stranger! Odd thing to say,

I mean it’s clear he doesn’t find his family very important or a major part of his life. Perhaps he told her as such - “I don’t really get on or have a relationship with them “.

Welbeck wrote my answer

He may well be asexual. I've got a 2nd cousin like that. Also a couple of other people I know that aren't interested in having a partner of either sex. It doesn't matter one jot.

Some people just don't want a relationship and are happier single... It doesn't have to mean anything

So he could be gay or bisexual or he just may not be sociable or may not share his personal life. This is quite odd when you no longer have any meaningful contact with him ?

lcr123

Thank you.

If meant if you didn't chat when you were young, I doubt if he will confide in you now he's 45.

You could ask in a casual way but risk upsetting him. He may wonder why you want to know now.

He may have a whole secret side to his life, which he chooses not to share.
As long as he is happy and fulfilled, and none of it is illegal, that's all that matters

Old Frill - thanks

Thank you.

Theexwife

*Never tells you where he is going or really shares who he had been with.*

Maybe he is out with a girlfriend/boyfriend.

And he's 45!

Apologies Icr123 for not a good welcome but recently we ve had some very odd threads started by new GNetters and giving long strange problems They have turned out to be banned posters or even Bots and trying to trick posters into giving away information
You have to admit yours is a pretty ‘different’ problem with a very difficult and what sounds like strange upbringing and childhood
Anyway with that said back to the problem you don’t know if your brother has or has had girlfriends, boyfriends, casual acquaintances or anything as you have no relationship with him !
Do you have a relationship with your parents?
He does as others have said sound as if he could be on the neuro diverse spectrum but it’s good news he has some kind of relationship with his parents now and you are getting counselling for yourself

What do you actually want? do you want a relationship with him, or with your parents, or are you just curious about his private life? and want confirmation it was because of both your own childhoods I think that is obviously the definite Parents didn’t talk to each other or their children Children ignored each other through 15/20 years so to be honest it’s not highly likely it ll change without everyone having deep family counselling

JaneJudge

You could talk to him if you want to pursue a normal relationship with him. It sounds like you both had a tough time

Lots of men seem quite happy living alone. I wondered if it is because many of them would have been diagnosed as neuro diverse these days and women are better at masking

This is a point of view I've never thought of but has switched on a lightbulb in my mind re family Thank you.

I was raised in a home like yours, l had a brother like yours (now dead). My brother's mental health problems were definitely exacerbated by my father's bullying and the dreadful tension in our home (part of that tension was because of my mother's support for my brother). Nowadays he'd have a plethora of mental health labels and help, it wasn't so then. He blamed everything on a physical condition he had, but there was much more going on than that. He was always single but had friends, noone ever went to his home.

On reading this my first thought he could be on the Autistic spectrum? Or even asexual?
Just accept him as he is, be there if he needs you, but don't stress yourself, he probably will never change.

how does it affect you ?
why do you want to know ?
better to concentrate on what you are responsible for, your own life.

Never tells you where he is going or really shares who he had been with.

Maybe he is out with a girlfriend/boyfriend.

Hi, i suppose my question is 'what do you want?'. In truth you don't know the details of his personal life because, at this point, you don't appear to have the kind of relationship where you confide in each other. Is this what you would like? If so, as others have said then small steps, not the big heavy questions straight away.

As the eldest (or oldest??), i was considered 'hard work' and 'difficult' which is now acknowledged that i was actually just a normal horrible teenager! My siblings, some 6/7 years younger i viewed (then) as a complete pain and the dramatics I could go into are stuff of legend. 'They touched my things/been in my room' i would gasp 'I hate you all' i would thunder and Mum says she was amazed our house still stood after my door slamming phase Mum and I had, and still do occasionally, have a fractious relationship. As siblings we all are now grown up (allegedly) and are hugely supportive of each other, respecting each others personalities. They do not hold against me the horrible things i said as a teenager - thank goodness; they laugh about it and said it was good training for having their own children

I wish you well with your counselling and it is natural to be curious about a siblings view of their childhood, however we are all different and his view may be very different to yours. Hopefully you can build a relationship with your brother moving forward, however my impression is you have a rather negative view of him, which he will possibly sense and this could affect his willingness to engage.

Take care.

I'm not suggesting pry

I was thinking of a casual chat but as they've not spoken in 25 years, perhaps not 🤔

He could be gay. He could be asexual. He could be bi or straight. Either way, he isn’t close enough to any of you to open up or introduce you to someone.

If you want a relationship with him, work on that. If you just want to pry - frankly somewhat voyeuristically - into his romantic life, then I guess carry on posting implying there’s something wrong with him or he has a big deep dark secret.

Your choice, but I wouldn’t want a relationship with a sibling who’s portrayed themselves the way you have in your posts.

For those with helpful comments, thanks.