Brother - no girlfriend or wife

I had a lovely life OldFrill but I agree with you. There have been some awful, dismissive messages here. Shame on them.

BlueBelle

oldfrill no one knows her brother IS single how could she or anyone, they are singular private people who have little contact with each other

My reply was to the response immediately prior to mine, sorry if that wasn't clear. Your response would have been better suited to those replies, not my reply.
The brother has been seeing his parents for every week for years so one would expect them to be aware of a partner, and through them the sister.
As I have stated l had a similar upbringing to the OP and a brother with life long challenges, exacerbated by his upbringing so l empathise with the OP which so few seem to do, but still they seem to think their negative opinions and lack of understanding means they can be totally dismissive. If only folk were kinder.

oldfrill no one knows her brother IS single how could she or anyone, they are singular private people who have little contact with each other

Ice, firstly I would like to say how sorry that you and your brother had such a miserable childhood. Your brother grew up
not able to express his feelings and so must have a low expectation of what a family is, If you can even at this late stage, sit down with him and discuss this you might find you can connect at some level. It doesn’t matter if he’s with a partner or not I just hope he has found happiness being him. I can’t see how you being bought up in that environment you cant emphasise with him as he must have felt very alone and unsupported, perhaps your parents were a little easier on you I don’t know.

It's doesn't matter if your brother has a partner or not. It's his choice. One of my cousin's never had a relationship until he was in his late 50's when he came out as gay and said he found the love of his life. The whole family always knew he was gay from a teenager so it was no surprise.

My nephew has a few disastrous short relationships with woman but decided not to both he is happier on his own . He's 36.

A friend of my late husband never had a relationship with with a man or woman as he in his words couldn't be bothered. If he wanted sex he paid for it. But he said that got boring after a few years. But he lived a full life had high powered career and travelled the world. He was nearly 90 when he died and never regretted his life style choice. He wasn't a selfish man but just kind ,a true friend and would help anyone who needed it.

Everyone lives the life that makes them happy.

Some pretty mean responses from people here. Thank goodness there are people who will try to engage instead of lecturing. You were brought up in an odd family and probably want to understand how it affected you and your brother and if things could have been different, I know I have thought before “what if”. In your case you have childhood trauma of some kind and are seeking to work it out, nothing wrong with that. I always think that your siblings are the only people who had the same or similar experiences to you and most of us are close because of that. Perhaps it works both ways. I wish you well in trying to interpret your past, I’m not sure why people assume such bad motives for your questions.

Noone is asking her brother why he's single. My response was not gossip.

VioletSky

It still doesn't matter

No one should be asking their brother "Why haven't you got a partner? Are you gay? A sexual? Hiding one from your family?”

No one should be asking any of that about any other human beings really.

That information is theirs to tell if and when they want to.

No amount of speculation is going to give OP any sort of clarity... This thread is all just gossip...

VS I agree

One of my favorite pieces of advice:

”Don't forget to drink plenty of water and mind your own business today!”

It may be his nature to wonder but would you expect complete strangers on here to know if and why ? I just find that bit a very strange expectation

It still doesn't matter

No one should be asking their brother "Why haven't you got a partner? Are you gay? A sexual? Hiding one from your family?”

No one should be asking any of that about any other human beings really.

That information is theirs to tell if and when they want to.

No amount of speculation is going to give OP any sort of clarity... This thread is all just gossip...

Mamma66

I am sorry that some of the comments have been less than helpful. I get it, it’s human nature to wonder.

I have a cousin, well into her 70s. Sadly, she is now living with dementia, but to my knowledge she has never had a partner or relationship. She was bright, very dry, close to her family and had a very responsible career. Obviously, none of us ever broached the subject, but I think it’s only human nature to wonder. Whenever the issue crossed my brain I would remind myself that it was none of my business and move on mentally. I think the difference was that she had a full and interesting life, so we felt that whatever the situation was, it was probably a conscious choice on her behalf.

From your post I sense that you are concerned about your brother and that is your motivation for asking the question. I think that is a somewhat different situation. It does sound possible that he could be on the autistic spectrum, but there could be so many other things going on for him.

Given that he is very private, I don’t think that it would be a very good idea to broach the subject directly and he is of course, entitled to his privacy anyway.

Perhaps instead you could reach out to him and say something along the lines of, “I know we had a difficult start in life, the older I get, the more I appreciate the importance of those around us. I would love to spend some time with you and get to know you a bit better. I have been in counselling and it’s helped, but it would really help to talk to someone who understood my background.”

It might not work, but it’s worth a try?” Good luck in both your personal journey and in building a better relationship with your brother.

Yes that. If he's just private, but is happy, then once you've tried to chat with him, I'd just leave well alone.

Is he happy though? If he is, I'd stop worrying and leave well alone - for your own sake. Some people just seem 'different' i.e. are possibly neurodiverse, but living quite happily with that.

Some people are just aesexual .
I have known a few .
They seemed well adjusted ,but not interested in the opposite sex .
Occasionally, they are odd in other ways .
I'm thinking of an uncle , who lived in his sister's garden shed !
Poor man .
The sister used to do his laundry and provide meals for him .
In all my visits , I never actually saw him .

I am sorry that some of the comments have been less than helpful. I get it, it’s human nature to wonder.

I have a cousin, well into her 70s. Sadly, she is now living with dementia, but to my knowledge she has never had a partner or relationship. She was bright, very dry, close to her family and had a very responsible career. Obviously, none of us ever broached the subject, but I think it’s only human nature to wonder. Whenever the issue crossed my brain I would remind myself that it was none of my business and move on mentally. I think the difference was that she had a full and interesting life, so we felt that whatever the situation was, it was probably a conscious choice on her behalf.

From your post I sense that you are concerned about your brother and that is your motivation for asking the question. I think that is a somewhat different situation. It does sound possible that he could be on the autistic spectrum, but there could be so many other things going on for him.

Given that he is very private, I don’t think that it would be a very good idea to broach the subject directly and he is of course, entitled to his privacy anyway.

Perhaps instead you could reach out to him and say something along the lines of, “I know we had a difficult start in life, the older I get, the more I appreciate the importance of those around us. I would love to spend some time with you and get to know you a bit better. I have been in counselling and it’s helped, but it would really help to talk to someone who understood my background.”

It might not work, but it’s worth a try?” Good luck in both your personal journey and in building a better relationship with your brother.

I hope you're ok. I don't understand why people spew negativity.

Ok thanks

But icr you’re posting an impossible situation to answer That’s not being nasty at all it’s fact
I don’t really understand what can be said to help you
You don’t have a relationship (it appears) with any of your family apart from an uncle that you speak to, but you want a bunch of strangers to help you know whether your brother has or does have a relationship Why does it matter whether he does or doesn’t, he isn’t in your life is he ?
If you just want an answer to ‘does our childhood impinge on our adulthood’ …then yes of course it does

Serendipity22 - it’s fine. I’ve posted here before and got met with similar comments, so not a huge surprise. It just seems that kind of place. Thanks for your words.

I have nothing to say that is of help to you but what i do want to say is I am sorry you have had negative comments in reply to your thread. Don't let it stop you from future posting, just filter through the negative to reach the positive.

Thoughts with you.

BlueBelle - Err, I’m speaking about my uncle as the person I was replying to (via their name) asked me about my wider family?

Is an uncle not classed as wider family?

You speak with your uncle ….but I thought we were talking about your brother? Where does your uncle come into the equation ?
There really is nothing to understand you have ALWAYS been part of an uninvolved, uncommunicative, fractured family I don’t understand what you find odd
I find it odd that you didn’t speak to your brother for 25 years and then wonder if he has now or has had a relationship He’s a stranger to you Icr why would you know
Its really little different to you not knowing if I have a relationship or not !

Notagranyet24 - thanks.

Yes I speak with my uncle - who has distanced himself for years. He only lives 10 miles away. My mum rings him but never pays him a visit. I find this interesting.

My other uncle died (mums brother again). They didn’t get an invite to funeral.

Just odd.

Icr123 I don't know if you know of Mumsnet but if you post there you will probably get a wider range of replies. Most younger people have had experience of mental health conditions and neurodiverse people through a much broader spectrum in education. I've seen that in my children, the cane has been replaced by support and understanding!

Some of my husband's family are like yours - highly strung, not very communicative, people who have been single all their lives and very private. There is a sense in the family of not speaking about emotional life, almost being afraid of it, I don't know how he managed to escape! Ha, ha.

Good luck with the counselling, you need to decide what it is you're looking for in your relationship with your brother and accept that you may only ever achieve part of it. Have you ever looked at your wider family /family history, sometimes there are clues to be found there relating to the present.

As he's been meeting his parents (possibly the OP too) regularly for a few years, yes you would think there was a probability he'd mention, if not introduce, a girlfriend or partner.