New here

Welcome Oldfriend - I too came here all those years ago when estrangement was looming large. Smiles and the other wonderful ladies, too many to mention, helped me with much valued advice . I was not prepared to let go of my darling grandchildren, no way, even if it meant going to their house and playing with the girls while their parents were upstairs. Things are fine now, although visits are arranged with military precision 😂 . You say you saw them 2 years ago. Why are you back at ‘square one ‘ ? My advice is persevere….don’t give up. And ofcourse, we are all here for you

Welcome, good to have you here.

I’m very fortunate not to have any family estrangement experiences or issues, so no advice can be offered here, but thanks for being so candid about your own sad situation.

Interesting that you say that family estrangement is more common these days. I wonder why. Do people expect too much from relationships? Previously, people accepted their lot in life and just got on with things. Now, people have a sense of entitlement and feel deprived if life isn't perfect.

Welcome to GN OldFriend
Estrangement issues do seem more common now but I have no idea why.It’s so very sad.Often linked with marriage break ups and the parent with main custody wanting nothing more to do with the other grandparents, but it seems many children want nothing to do with parents as well other than using them as unpaid childminders.

Hello OldFriend and a warm welcome to GN and the estrangement forum.

I'm so sorry that having thought your situation had improved, and meeting your GC, you now find yourself back to square one with interest.

It sounds as if you've been trying to cope with this for the last 10 years with no one to share it all with; goodness you've done well. I don't think I could have coped without the care, support and friendship I've found here for the last 11.5 years.

It really does help to know that you're not alone and that there are people you can talk too who know precisely how you feel and what you are going through, because we're estranged too.

Where time doesn't heal the rift, it can help to lessen the intensity of the pain and enable us to come to terms with what's happened, and if it turns out to be the case that the estrangement is permanent, time also helps to accept that that relationship is over.

You might like to take a look at the support thread and pop on there for a chat.


.

You will get support on the Estrangement support thread, and perhaps have a smile.

A lot are dealing with estrangement, with different relatives, for different reasons.

I had to deal with bouncing estrangement for 19 years with my step-kids, and watch DH suffer until he died.

It’s hard, even harder I imagine if it’s your own kids, but it’s draining either way.

DH died, I’ve shoved them out of my life, and am happier for it.

But, if it’s your own children, you need to work out how you are best dealing with it.

Best wishes.💐

Hi and welcome.

I came here because of estrangement too- three years or so ago.

I am happy to say I now see my granddaughter and my son now lives with me. It has been, and still is, very hard work and my son's former partner still leads us a not so merry dance, but we have learned to deal with it.

I am also all too aware it could all come crashing down so never take anything for granted.

I wish you all the best.

I hope your situation resolves again with time, patience and good communication

Welcome OldFriend. I'm not sure whether estrangement is on the rise or whether we are more aware of it because of social media like Gransnet!

I'm so glad to hear you are no longer hiding away and I hope you continue to find the strength to not allow the estrangement to blight every aspect of your life.

Welcome Flappergirl, sorry you’re in this position, but we all understand and are here for each other.It hurts like hell but it does get bearable, it’s the unfairness of this whole thing that takes time to sink in. When I was young you would never disrespect your parent that loved you and did their best, not the case now for many I’m afraid.
DH I would do what you did if those kids had hurt my husband, he had lived them since they were born and didn’t deserve what they did to him.

No, adult children can be really self obsessed and selfish.😗

If you have no idea why then you need to ask, maybe via letter? It's rare that these things happen for no reason. Either they feel you have done something and you can't seem to acknowledge it or it will be 'death by. 1000' cuts. Communication is key.

Mamasperspective

If you have no idea why then you need to ask, maybe via letter? It's rare that these things happen for no reason. Either they feel you have done something and you can't seem to acknowledge it or it will be 'death by. 1000' cuts. Communication is key.

Communication, both ways, can help - but it can only help if the ACs say what the problems are. Emails and phone calls ignored, letters returned and so on.

Estrangement reasons seem to vary between them refusing to say, money issues, in their entitlement of always wanting some, “old people are a burden” issues and so on. 🤷‍♀️

And, of course, sometimes, the parents can be the problem.

lot of support here

Communication is key isn't it DL as without it, nothing can change, and the AC saying what the problems are is just the starting point.

There needs to be a willingness from both parties to talk about it, to listen to everyone's perspective and hopefully reach a better understanding.

Just laying blame and walking away which is sometimes the case, means that estrangement is inevitable.

It's really important though in estrangement situations to understand that listening is key. It's too easy to fall into patterns with children that don't change when they become adults. These are now adults on an equal level to their parents with their own lives and decisions and different ways of doing things.

It is hard to let go and step back...

A different mindset to engage when there are issues is to remember, it should be the two of you versus the problem, not versus each other. By engaging with that mindset it might be easier to then reach out and ask in a way that gives the other person some confidence that they will be heard and the problems addressed

All parties have to wish to engage. You cannot listen if someone isn't prepared to speak and being prepared to talk about any issues is what adults do. Sadly some aren't prepared to do so, so walk away.

We don't know who will or won't engage in most situations, only that it is best to know that you did/tried the right things to have a better relationship...

I feel like this discussion misses the root of the problem. If someone is at the point where they are cutting contact, this is a signal that communication attempts are already failing. This isn't about the person who cuts contact not engaging anymore. They have reached a point where engaging feels pointless. If it takes being cut off to realize there's a problem, there's something you were missing.

No contact is the big red button you press when there's no other option.

So why did the stranger feel they had to push the button? Assuming they have their own legitimate perspectives and experiences (they do), something had to lead to that point. Attempts to resolve are already missing the mark. It's totally unnatural to toss away healthy and positive relationships so barring some pretty serious circumstances, people will not abandon healthy family relationships.

You have to look backwards for the failure point because the estrangement is not it. Continuing to look at the act of going no contact as the primary issue will always leave you wondering what happened.

*Estranger not stranger

I guess I made that word up

Smileless2012

All parties have to wish to engage. You cannot listen if someone isn't prepared to speak and being prepared to talk about any issues is what adults do. Sadly some aren't prepared to do so, so walk away.

Well, yes, with my SC’s, it was gambling/alcohol addiction from one, the “old people are too much of a burden” (?), from the other - not sure what you do with that.🙄

With my AC’s, I would expect them to point out what I’m doing to upset them so much, before it ended in estrangement.

Adults usually sit down and talk - all this flouncing around, refusing to engage, will never solve an issue.

The situation with your adult step children DL shows that to say people will not abandon healthy family relationships is wrong, unless of course not being prepared to finance gambling/addictions is a sign that a family doesn't have healthy family relationships.

Our ES abandoned his family despite the healthy family relationship we had all enjoyed for 27 years. It wasn't perfect but no family ever is which is why it's imperative to discuss any issues/problems. Something we always did with him and continue to do with his brother.

As for becoming a burden as you get older as you say not sure what you do with that.

meant to post gambling/alcoholic addictions.

Well, I wouldn’t mind, but we most certainly weren’t a burden. I looked after DH, and the only thing I ever asked them to do, in over 20 years, when DH became too poorly to drive, was to perhaps phone or pop over once in a while. We’re 40 minutes away.

Their kids were grown, and off hand, so it’s not as if they were haring around all week with young children, work and childcare.

But, although they’d took our help over the years, a lot, they were just too selfish to do that.

Oh well, I’ve removed them from my life now.🤷‍♀️