Support and friendship For Those Estranged

Morning everyone.

Our little dog is almost fully recovered thanks Whiff. It's lovely to see him running around with his 'sister', not 100% yet but well on the way to being so .

I think you're right, in that some ways our estrangements have made us stronger and for those fortunate to be in relationships, those too are strengthened. I know that Mr. S. and I are stronger as individuals and as a couple.

That time will come Ruby you'll realise that you're not thinking about it as often as you used too, that as heartbreaking as it is, the certainty that the relationship is over takes the place of the uncertainty and for me, that's when my healing really began.

One thing for sure is that I am not cowed or controlled and when I saw that, I could see that although the estrangement isn't something we'd have ever wanted we are better off. Something that I'm often reminded of when I read what some parents and GP's are being subjected too by their AC.

@Babs03

Thank you. Yes, its a living grief and part of the reason I have stopped chasing answers is for my other children. They don't need a life dominated by someone who no longer cares, who only hurts and has trashed much of the love they've been shown.

I'm sort of impatient that it will take time to heal. I know that it will but I want to have a life without the constant drone of uncertainty in the background.

I do see the future but I'm still working out how to navigate my way there. If only there was Google Maps for this! One thing for sure is that I am not cowed or controlled. If I can't be myself at this stage in life, it would be a travesty.

Thank you for your kindness xx

Glad you are enjoying your new home Smiles . A bike ride sounds lovely. I can only use my static pedals did go up to 400 rotations a day but had to put it back to 300 as that doesn't hurt my knees.
Hope your dogs are enjoying there new home and your little dogs leg isn't hurting to much. Hope I remembered the right person who's dog has a bad leg🤦.

Babs glad you had a nice time with your friend and using some old photos of your friend either at the funeral or wake will be sad and happy at the same time . And I am sure your friend would be glad that you all remember the good happy times. At my best friends husbands funeral nearly 2 years ago I made her laugh by saying how much he would enjoy the food and heap his plate up. Both he and my husband loved their food and one portion was never enough. Both could eat and not put weight on.
Unfortunately they couldn't have child but have plenty of photos of them with mine. They where always aunt and uncle to them. Happy memories for both of us.

Jaffacake I hope your younger daughter gets her operation soon. The way time flies it will soon be the 2nd October and your MRI .

I am plain speaking and don't go in for words like narcissistic behaviour or gaslighting etc. They are just words to explain away bad behaviour plain and simple ,and make excuses for what our children put us through.
Been nearly a year since I decided to give up hope of ever seeing my son or grandsons ever again . And it's been freeing . But everyone has to reach their own point of letting go of hope and I had reached mine after 4 and half years off nothing either silence or once abuse .

If our children think they can destroy us them they are sadly mistaken . In fact I think we are stronger for going through this living grief. Well that's my theory. 🤔

It's good to cry Babs, it's when we can't that we need to worry .

OMG Yogin your neighbour is a bloody nightmare isn't he . Don't let you son alter the kerb, you need planning permission for a dropped curb and as Spring's posted your neighbour would for sure report you.

It's nice to have a holiday but nice to get back home isn't it Whiff and that comforting routine that we all have.

I still find the memories hard Ruby and it's been more than 11.5 years. Sometimes they just make me cry because I still can't believe that what I thought we once had, has been so decisively destroyed.

Mr. S. and I do laugh when recounting the past but TBH I don't find as much joy in the memories I have of our ES as I wish I could.

Your D is as you say playing mind games Jaffa and the only way to win against a narcissist is to stop playing. As she's not responded to the suggestion of you getting together, I would assume this isn't going to happen and suggest that neither you or R mention it again.

It's been a lovely day here today; so warm and sunny just like summer. We went for a bike ride this morning, out for lunch at the 10th hole which was all the better because we didn't have to go back to our old house, and then sat on the decking enjoying the lovely weather.

Fabulous

@Jaffa,
I often thought my daughter was narcissistic, I just think some famiy members can be the sort of people we would give a wide berth to if not related. Certainly you wouldn't accept the kind of manipulative behaviour she displays from anyone calling themselves your friend. So yes, it is good to focus on her behaviour rather than the attachment you have to her.
If there is still no contact don't agonise about her not getting back about you all getting together in a few weeks time. There is time yet for her to get in touch, if she doesn't, she doesn't. For now this could be the best thing for your wellbeing. This way you can concentrate on your health and the health of your other daughter.
Take care.
xx

Not a great day due to older daughter playing mind games.
She has sent a birthday card to R in Ireland ,very gushing words but hasn't responded to his idea of us all getting together when he comes over in a few weeks. Still no contact to me.
A friend sent me a very interesting article about narcissism which I think applies to her. It explained that the narcissistic behaviour affects us so much because of our attachment to the person. If we focus on the behaviour rather than the person who we care so much about its then easier to protect ourselves. This is because our attachment to the person can be very powerful enough to create trauma. Therefore it's important to stay objective no matter how difficult it might be.
This made a lot of sense to me separating the behaviour from the person. Once I look at her behaviour I know it is the right action to withdraw although it is painful.
Neuro problems continue and I have repeat brain and spine mris on 2nd october. Younger daughter still waiting for surgery date and mri results as to the structure of her ovarian teratoma.

RubyLegends

@Babs03
That's something I'm working on - embracing the many years of good memories, when we were carefree. The loss of that family is hard but I'm determined not to let estrangement drown out years of precious memories.

You will get there. It took us a long time to look back without an acute feeling of loss, but now we realise that we owe it to ourselves and our other daughters to enjoy family memories, it is after all their history as well. They need to remember and share stories from that time.
It is a living grief that in time allows you to make peace with what has happened and to let it go, though there will always be a sadness that cannot be fully eradicated and I have come to see that as just another part of life’s rich tapestry.
Take care xx

@Babs03
That's something I'm working on - embracing the many years of good memories, when we were carefree. The loss of that family is hard but I'm determined not to let estrangement drown out years of precious memories.

Good morning!
Just been for coffee with a friend, lovely weather here and nice to chat. Will miss her when we move but things aren’t progressing very well with regard to that. The buyer let us down then the bungalow we are interested in has been sold, thing is once our buyer dropped out viewings were allowed on the bungalow we liked again. Was only a matter of time.
But hey ho.
Sent some photos of myself and others with my recently departed friend to her daughter to arrange a vid to be shown at the funeral. Seeing how stupidly young we were back then I wonder at how quickly time has passed and how short life really is. Is a lovely pic of us in a local park having a picnic with our children, hers slightly older than mine, but still small, how could we have imagined that as adults one of her daughters would become estranged from her and one of my daughters become estranged from me. Maybe sometimes is best not to know what the future holds.
Sad but lots of good memories.
Xx

Thanx for kind words Spring20.
Xx

Whiff you continue to inspire planning a lovely break and being so on top of things when you get back!
Yogin - a conversation with the new buyers of the flat above sounds your best option. I doubt your neighbour will voluntarily change his habit or character, but if you can drop the curb with council permission then he’ll have no option.
Thinking of you re the funeral on Friday Babs. It will be sad but am sure you (and others) being there will help your friend’s husband. I often think grief can only begin to be properly processed once the funeral has taken place. Before then it’s like preparing for something we really don’t want to be part of….really don’t want to be happening. I hope it goes smoothly for everyone and happy shared memories of your friend bring comfort.

Good point whiff. Our daughter and SiL had to get permission from the council to drop the curb.
And if your neighbour already has reported you when you got a ticket I imagine he will take great delight in reporting the dropped curb.
Just go on the council website and see what it says about applying to drop a curb.

Yogin it's nice to read your rambles 😊. Only had a wee and the toilet wasn't blocked it just wouldn't flush.

I would check with your council that what your son has done is legal. Where I used to live one of my neighbours had to get planning permission to make the front garden into a drive with dropped curb.

Yes Babs nightmare is the word for our selfish neighbour.

Yours is even worse! Unbelievably it isn't illegal to park on someone's driveway but it is illegal to park over it!

@yogi, it sounds like a nightmare. What a piece of work. Some idiots believe they can park anywhere, is their divine right, we once had neighbours who would park on our drive whenever we went out/away, without asking. And they had a drive of their own. We did tell them not to do it, but a neighbour on the other side to us would text us when they did it if we weren’t there. Eventually we installed a gate with a padlock, it did mean we had to jump out and opening it every time but we had no option. X

Think I might have beat you with my long post Whiff

Nice to hear your back safe & sounds Whiff probably all that good food blocking your toilet

Yes, always nice to get back home after a trip away Smiles and back into your lovely new home & area to explore.

My neighbour has hit new hights with his selfishness. His son's girlfriend's car has been parked outside my property, from Friday till last night. He must have put his car in for repair, but instead of leaving the space free for me to park in, he got his son's girlfriend to park there, they don't live down this road, but must be nearby. My son over heard him say to his son when they swapping over; let's do the kangaroo hoop with the cars

He has now parked right onto the bonnet of next doors [other side] new car, there is a bollard behind, so how he will get out I don't know, he does have another car for work, so he'll just leave his car blocked in for the week I suppose! He has done this before; I've watched him bump onto the car behind and then just let it roll forward slightly and that's how he parks. Can't believe my other neighbour doesn't say something. If I see him or M outside, I will tell them how he managed to get so close onto his bonnet!

So of course we were mad about the situation, so much so, that my son went out and knocked the wall done of our front garden. He will cement the front to sloop down to the drop kerb, so it will be like a driveway. I tried to stop him doing it, as the wall belongs to the upstairs flat, but my son wouldn't listen and smashed the wall down! Once it's made good and my neighbour's car is still parked outside our property, I will arrange to get him a parking ticket, as he did to me, but I'm not sure it will work out without an 'H' bar over the front of our self-made driveway. We would have to do it to find out for sure.

If the front garden belonged to my flat, I would have had a proper driveway put in as soon as I moved in. I did offer to buy my upstairs neighbour garden, but he didn't want to, so that was that.

When the new owners of upstairs move in, I would be happy to go half to have a proper driveway put in, but the ball is all in their court.

@whiff glad you overcame your worries about feelings you had in the past and enjoyed your hols in York.
I am just like you, when I get back from a holiday I have to sort everything out asap, hate to leave it all for another time. But it can be tiring so glad you rested up over the weekend.
Well done you for doing this.
X

Good to have you safely back Whiff, sounds like you had an enjoyable time.🌻

Yogin I am sorry your neighbour is such a horror. Many years ago where I used to live when my husband was alive we had a neighbour who decided to burn some rubbish when I had my washing out . I got it in and complained to him he just said so what my garden my rules . Just then his wife came home and told her she went mad at him he never did it again . Like Allsorts said he needs a bigger bully to put him in his place.

Babs glad you are going early to the funeral and staying with a friend. Glad your friends husband can cry about his wife. Trying to be brave for everyone else will only hurt him more . That's what I did and it was foolish only wish someone had told me . I dealt with the funeral arrangements with the help of my children. My daughter wanted to get the death certificate and take the clothes her dad would wear in his coffin so I let her do what she wanted . My husband died on the Friday. We had a lilac tree in the garden my husband always talked about taking out but never got round to doing it. On the Monday after he died woke to find it had cracked it's trunk and fallen over . Our son said he would cut it up . I made he wear safety goggles and he got the axe and during the week chopping the tree up to get rid of his grief and anger he chopped that tree into tiny bits . But it's what he needed . Our daughter wanted me to stop him but I says no he needs it. He was 16 wonder if he even remembers .

If your friends husband didn't cry over his wife it would be time to worry. But it's very hard to see your parent crying, don't know why but seeing a man cry is always worse. If my mom had died before my dad we knew he wouldn't have lasted 6 months as he would have pinned away for her as much as dad loved us mom was his whole world and he would never have survived without her.

Woman cope with all aspects of life far better than men . Men aren't the stronger sex women are. It's just women can show their feelings easier. Even in this day and age men are expected to be stronger . There is still that caveman attitude.

Smiles glad you and Mr S had a good time in Penrith. It's always nice to get home though. And for you going back to your new home was all the more special.

Had a good journey back as the woman sat by was reading and quiet.If you are like me I got a load of washing on straight away. Sorted out my post and popped my dinner into the oven to reheat while I sorted out my case . I had put a portion of dinner and lunch soup into the freezer before going away and my daughter got them out on Thursday for me .

Went to the loo and it wouldn't flush tried 3 times then phoned Homeserve after they saying they couldn't come out until Thursday they agreed to come out on Saturday. I tried the loo 4 more times still didn't flush so used a jug to flush it. Didn't try it on Saturday. The plumber came and sods law the loo flushed he did take it apart and checked everything and showed me a trick in case it happened again . He did say he much prefered the old type loo with a ballcock as they where more reliable and easier to fix . He was only in his early 30's..

Been resting the weekend . But I am glad I went to York I didn't intend to see the minister as did that in 2005 it had only been a year since my husband died and he made me promise to go on holiday why I picked York I don't remember. Spent the 3 days mostly crying in my room.

Seeing the minister ,pub and hotel I stayed in exercised the ghosts of that time as I didn't feel anything . But proud I did it. My time in York this time erased those memories. Looking forward to my hols next year.

Back to my normal routine sit fit ,gel printing and craft group. Got my heating on just to take the chill off. Autumn is definitely here.

Take care everyone..

Yes Smileless and Spring20 is always good to get home, we feel exactly the same way.
Am trying not to think of the funeral on Friday. Been talking to the DH and he is just going along with the daughter on preparations etc., is really hard because he often breaks down in tears and though I try to stay coherent I often end up crying too. Told my friend and she said that’s ok they are getting through boxes of tissues every time she visits. Her intention was to stay strong too.
Just been to London babysitting which has taken my mind off things a bit. Weather was lovely so we went for long walks in a nearby park with the pram. One really good thing about London is the number of green spaces, always well maintained and in the case of the park nearest to our daughter there is a museum with dedicated parts for small children, a butterfly house, and aquarium, as well as a small outside area where some animals are kept.
X

I'm glad it's not just us Spring .

Ha ha - your post made me smile Smileless! We’ve just spent 6 days with friends and are really appreciating being back to just the 2 of us again. We get on well but have decided any future trips will be 3 nights max. Maybe we’re feeling our age, but I’m conversationed out!!

Afternoon everyone.

Arrived home yesterday. Feels odd knowing that our new lodge is our home; odd but very nice although I think my cousins are a little bemused by our decision.

We had a lovely time but it's always good to get home and because it's just the two of us, after a few days of being in the same house with others, we're ready to get back.

You must have enjoyed tucking into that afternoon tea at Betty's Whiff; looks lovely.

You must have been relieved and thrilled to get that message from your GS Jaffa. I'm so pleased that your D isn't coming between you, recognising the importance of your GM/GC relationship; I hope this continues.

I hope the funeral goes as well as it can on Friday Babs. It will be helpful I'm sure travelling up the day before and having a good friend to stay with for a few days.

Your neighbour sounds like a right a... hole Yogin . Why can't some people just live in peace with their neighbours and show a little consideration? There's nothing worse than a bad neighbour, making you feel uncomfortable in your own home.

I agree with Allsorts that he needs a bigger bully to sort him out; bullies are often the only ones a bully takes notice of. He is a selfish git, so I hope he heard you .