Support and friendship For Those Estranged

All those having a holiday - hope it’s a good time with new interesting things to enjoy. Ruby it sounds like you are in the place of resignation that most of us have to get to eventually - that we can’t change what is. With it comes a greater capacity for peace, but also sadness. We have to move forwards ( what other choice is there?) but it is a challenge. Something that has to be worked at. Some days/weeks are easier than others. Which is where this support group really comes in to its own. It’s a place to come when we get ‘triggered’. A place to connect with those who understand. A place that soothes and can bring a smile to our faces again. A huge thank you from me to all who regularly post here.

@Babs03
Despite feeling the word 'journey' is overused these days, I do know that it is a journey and we came to a fork in the road we didn't see on the map.

There is something liberating about opening up and admitting to friends and family what is happening. People may judge, but people who have known you for many years understand the shock and are supportive in the choices we've had to make.

It would be very easy to lodge ourselves in a revolving door of trying to appease, to search for the next 'fix', acknowledge new, perceived slights but that's a losing game and only one which feeds the abuse.

And I'm damned if I'm eeking out whatever years are left being trampled by hate.

Thank you for your kind words x

@Ruby
When you come to the realisation that grieving doesn't change anything you have to move on, to begin a new journey, the journey you are now making, which will bring you peace and happiness again, good times with your DH and loving friends and family. The only way is forwards and we have a choice, to try to enjoy our lives and be positive about what we have, or to give up and spend our time being eaten up by feelings of anger, sadness, and resentment.
Like us I know you have chosen the former.
So get on with enjoying life and take pride in the fact that you are one of lifes survivors, battered and bruised but by no means on the ropes.
Take care x

@Babs03
Thank you. I take heart from your story but at the same time feel your loss and the stamina it must have taken for you to live well over the last 10 years.

We had the rollercoaster of promise then rejection until we realised it was a game, and a game that had no rules. To be the target of these kinds of behaviours is like entering a parallel universe where established relationships suddenly become a hotbed of reinvention, the narrative changing in a flash.

I too understand the personal cost and it a deep moral code which stops you conceding to a life controlled by someone else. 10 years sounds like an eternity but I am in awe that you have found peace and a better way of living. That's the journey we are on now, thankfully held together by loving friends and family,

@Ruby
Glad you are here. We have been living with our loss for over 10 years, before that was a weird period of alleged reconciliation that was really my daughter standing over us looking at her watch whilst we saw the grandkids then kicking us out when she saw fit, then after she started to abuse us online and post all kinds of horrible accusations about ourselves and her sisters, a second period of estrangement ensued. 10 years and counting, and I can't see that any kind of reconciliation, weird or otherwise, will now occur. In fact am relieved. To return to something that caused me to have a breakdown, unable to work or function properly, is not something I relish.
So now we live our lives, taking strength from the love around us, and look forward to whatever time is left to us.
As I keep saying - life is too short.

Thank you to those who have guided my back to this thread. It is very comforting to be understood and not judged for finding yourself at the receiving end of a sustained episode of loss.

It's strange place to find yourself and it's only when you begin to unpick the words and threats that you realise the only answer is to live well, to not look back and to celebrate the happy times you know you had together.

Enjoy your break Smileless, hope the weather is reasonable 🙂

Good luck with your hols whiff, looking forward to full report when you return.
Enjoy x

Glad to hear you are enjoying you our new home Smileless. Sounds like you have found your sanctuary. And the dogs sound delightful, since the death of our little dog scout a few years ago we said we wouldn’t get another but now we are not so sure, perhaps a more mature rescue dog?
It’s just that our rambles in the countryside don’t feel the same. X

Morning everyone.

Well there's no mistaking that autumn has arrived, but we have had some lovely weather since we moved here and have made the most of our decked area and the lovely view.

We're going to Penrith today to spend a few days with my cousins, forecast isn't looking too bad but we'll need coats for us and the dogs.

We haven't left them to go on holiday since covid Yogin and wont be doing so. It does place restrictions on our lives, the biggest one not being able to go to Aus. to see DS but our Cockapoo is very needy and we don't think she'd do at all well being separated from us. Our little poodle is much more laid back but it's been more than 4 years since he was left and even if we had a family member who would look after them, I'd spend all of my time worrying.

You must be dreading her funeral Babs I know we dreaded our dear girl's funeral last year. Mr. S. was one of the pall bearers, such an honour.

I hope you've settled into your hotel Whiff and will enjoy your time in York.

Have a good day everyone.

Hope your holiday is a good one Whiff and you enjoy sightseeing and Betty’s!! Very sorry to hear about your friend Babs. Losing such a friend is never easy.

Thanks for kind words. Not looking forward to the funeral, still can’t believe she has gone. Her DH a mess as expected, am grateful that my other good friend can pop in with food, walk the dog etc., the other daughter lives nearby with the GCs, she is a rock right now thank goodness.
Xx

Yoginimeisje

Whiff enjoy your holiday, once you set off, you'll be fine. I feel the same when going abroad, but I'm fine when I have a stay-vacation and take my little dog along too. A few friends suggested a holiday for next year, you'd think I'd jump at it but it just worries me, leaving Joey.

We were the same when leaving our little dog Scout. We don’t have that worry any more but wish we did. Enjoy holidaying with Joey. X

Whiff enjoy your holiday, once you set off, you'll be fine. I feel the same when going abroad, but I'm fine when I have a stay-vacation and take my little dog along too. A few friends suggested a holiday for next year, you'd think I'd jump at it but it just worries me, leaving Joey.

Sorry to hear about your good friend Babs

I had a wonderful time at the Yoga festival on Sat. thanks Whiff The weather was fabulous. I stayed for the whole day!

I am squinting my eyes to write this as have hair colour on, so can't put my reading glasses on!

So sorry about the loss of your friend Babs . I'm not surprised her DH doesn't want their D to attend her funeral, it would be beyond hypocritical for her to do so when she did nothing even though she knew her mum was dying.

It does make us think about our own EAC doesn't it. I've told Mr. S if I die before him I don't want our ES at my funeral, not that he'd want to be there but just in case and I wouldn't want him at Mr. S's either. Who would want to be confronted with an EAC at such a difficult and heartbreaking time?

Morning everyone.

Hope you have a lovely time in York Whiff. Your nervousness yesterday was totally understandable, I would be if I was going away on my own and that's without all of the challenges you face on a daily basis.

It looks as if you have plenty of great things planned. Betty's tea room is lovely, you'll feel really spoiled which is exactly what you deserve and we your lovely holiday rambles to look forward too. Take care dear friend and enjoy xx

Allsorts went to the minister in 2005 won't go again . What to do all new things to erase those memories. Not a happy time as I spent most of the 3 days in my room crying .

Got chocolate factory tour and tasting tomorrow, Wednesday hop on hop off bus and Thursday afternoon tea at Betty's tearoom. Rest of the time exploring . Like I will this afternoon. Eating out for dinner so will book a restaurant while out this afternoon. Hotel menu to limiting for me it's Thyme which it was at Berwick upon Tweed. When out prefer to eat vegetarian but none of the only 3 options were suitable. So had chicken or fish but couldn't have some if the things it came with. But chef was brilliant at cutting up my food for me. I can't use a dinner knife and eat with a spoon and fork.

Better check my bags again and check everything is locked etc. taxi due in 30 mins.

Jaffacake I will do thank you.

I’m just the same, nervous at first. Make the most of whatever the day brings, in a week it will all be a memory you're making now. There are loads to do where you're going, plus lots of places you can have peace and quiet if you choose, including the lovely Minster, so relax, enjoy and treat yourself. Your husband would be very proud at how well you've made your life

Whiff inout you a message under Angela Rayner on Politics and don't know how to move it.

Whiff have a lovely break in York xx

Bridie and Babs thank you both very much had an early night and slept well. Feel completely different this morning . And feeling confident.
Once I have had my sleep out I can't get back to sleep. But if I feel tired even on the train and have a nap I can't go any further than York as it would hit the buffers 🤣. Same on my journey back .

My legs are swollen again last few days and it annoys the hell out of me it's water retention but until I see my cardiologist GPs don't just give out water tablets. But will check with the cardiology team they have received my GP referral also ask if I can see someone at AF clinic as they did say they would see me again if I needed help . Been 3 years since I last attended once my meds got sorted out and they where happy after 4 months of seeing me to discharge me into my GPs care. It's really annoying because still trying to lose weight Friday put 3lb on next day it had got . Normally only record my Sunday morning weight but since the swelling been recording it everyday so I can show the cardiologist.

We'll get up in half an hour . Taxi coming at 8.30 but like to have my breakfast and rest then the triple check I have packed everything. Always have to do it 3 times no idea why but done it all my life triple checking things an other odd thing I do 🤣🤣🤣.

Oh Whiff, we are all allowed to feel vulnerable, and I appreciate that you are a survivor so you don't want to let your guard down, but I think you are spot on in saying that you are probs thinking of the last time you went on holiday there, and as you have intimated, the feeling of loss never really leaves you.
You don't have to be strong all of the time. Give yourself the right to feel moments of weakness.
Hope you can put this to bed and get up ready for a lovely holiday in the morning.
Take care.
xx

Tomorrow is a different day Whiff and hopefully your nervousness turns to excitement and you have an enjoyable break, relax and enjoy 🙂

I'm really looking forward to my holiday tomorrow but some reason feeling nervous. I think it's because last time I went I hurt so much as my husband had only been dead a year . It's not as if I am not used being on my own I really don't know why I am feeling this way.

I am not even going anywhere near where I stayed before or doing the same things. I didn't feel like this before going to Berwick upon Tweed and had a fabulous time.

I am not used to not being in control of my feelings or understanding why I feel how I do . I have always been very good at self analysis had to be to survive the bullying at school. And hiding how much my disability effects my life. Only my husband knew . And now a few close friends and my HPX group.

My daughter knows to an extent as she has watched me go through everything. No matter how old she gets I still want to her protect her.

I know I will feel fine in the morning just wanted to write it down and get it out of my head.

Thanks for listening.