Support and friendship For Those Estranged

Hello @rubylegend i’m so sorry to hear you are going through this too. So am I. I haven’t posted here yet as I am afraid to admit it is happening :-( it’s so tough, may I ask how long it has taken you to reach the ‘healing stage’? I want to be there so desperately.

Hello RubyLegend you're right that not every AC who estranged their parent(s) wants to fix the situation. If the EAC of those of us who post here did want to resolve this, we wouldn't be estranged would we.

As Babs has posted you don't have to share any details, there will be many similarities between your situation and of those posting here.

It is comforting to know that you're not alone, which I think the vast majority of us think when we're first estranged.

We can only apologise for what we've done or said wrong, and that's only if we know; if they tell us. I don't subscribe to apologising for something I haven't done or said. IMO it sets a questionable precedent for the future and isn't a basis for a healthy and mutually respectful relationship.

We don’t normally talk about what happened in our case to other people, only a few trusted friends and our other three daughters - who are also estranged from our eldest daughter.
But on here you will not be judged or questioned, is a safe space, I only discovered it a short time ago and already feel as if I know the people who come on here.
This is your time now. Enjoy whatever life offers you and be sure that you deserve it as much as anyone else. God knows we have beaten ourselves up enough without what we have had to take from our ACs.
Take care xx

Thank you for your kind words. It feels as though we've entered into a different reality but one where we are not alone. We've cast aside any shame and are growing to accept that our AC is unable to have a relationship with us.

This is an important space for me to be with others who know this pain and the journey you never thought you'd have to make.

Sorry to hear this. My estrangements and family dramas don’t directly affect my ACs and me, but you will get the support, on here, from others which are directly affected.

Best wishes. 💐

RubyLegend

Now in the healing stage of being estranged by our AC and his wife, I've found reading similar stories comforting and its good to hear that there is a life worth living at the other side of this trauma.

I'm not ready to share too much of my story, save to say that we have been given no choice but to have no contact with them, despite our best efforts and compassion in trying to resolve their accusations and outrage.

It seems not every AC actually wants a 'fix', they seem to be addicted to the drama of punishing us for apparently not caring. But when challenged what 'caring' looks like, there is silence.

I read in one thread that it would help if parents apologised - well, we tried that as well, many times only to be told it was disingenuous. There's no pleasing some people so they can have a life without us and we will focus on those who actually care for us.

What is most striking is the patterns of behaviour that permeate this forum. And that means that we are not alone in this trauma. Years of gentle, loving parenthood is rewarded with profanity, abuse and hate. We can do without that. Life is too short.

You don’t need to share the details and in any case I think most of us have an inkling what you are faced with.
It gets to a point where you have to put your own well-being first, is so hard because we hang on in there as long as we can taking barrage after barrage of accusations and abuse believing that as parents we have to take it, we have to forgive our children anything and just put our heads down and get on with it.
Not true.
You and your DH have to take time to heal and grow stronger, drawing on the love you have around you. Your lives matter every bit as much as your ACs.
And you’re right life is too short.

Now in the healing stage of being estranged by our AC and his wife, I've found reading similar stories comforting and its good to hear that there is a life worth living at the other side of this trauma.

I'm not ready to share too much of my story, save to say that we have been given no choice but to have no contact with them, despite our best efforts and compassion in trying to resolve their accusations and outrage.

It seems not every AC actually wants a 'fix', they seem to be addicted to the drama of punishing us for apparently not caring. But when challenged what 'caring' looks like, there is silence.

I read in one thread that it would help if parents apologised - well, we tried that as well, many times only to be told it was disingenuous. There's no pleasing some people so they can have a life without us and we will focus on those who actually care for us.

What is most striking is the patterns of behaviour that permeate this forum. And that means that we are not alone in this trauma. Years of gentle, loving parenthood is rewarded with profanity, abuse and hate. We can do without that. Life is too short.

@whiff
Am from the North and have to say we northerners may call a spade a spade but we can be a friendly lot too. Where I was raised in a small mill town in Lancs nobody had two pennies to rub together but they would pop round with a hotpot or meat and potato pie if they knew you were having a hard time. I think it comes from having to stick together through some pretty grim times throughout history.
We live down south now, have for over 30 years, have made some friends but it has been much harder.
Are in the process now of moving to the South Downs because we both really love rambling, and as I mentioned I find nature really healing. No dog am afraid, we say we can’t at our age but if we find a more mature rescue dog who desperately needs a home….

Yogin in my mind I put attached but unfortunately what my fingers hit can be anything and predictive text fills in the word but I press post before realising hence my many typos in my rambles 🤦🤦🤦🤦. But I am like that talking my HPX brain knows what I want to say but what comes out is something else or I can't get the words out or pronounce some words. Luckily if meeting new people I explained as it doesn't embarrass me as been like it my whole life. That's what I love about going to the Brain Charity never have to explain and can be the real me . As there are people worse than me . Until I moved here never had the opportunity of being with groups of disabled people but I found it's very freeing. My husband was the only one who knew how being disabled effected me. Even my best friend never knew she does now. We meet at college and she said once you where ok at college but told her I wasn't but after being bullied everyday for 5 years at high school I learnt to mask what my body did. Funny how moving has freed me in so many ways . My craft group I joined a week after moving here and no one batted an eyelid when I threw my cross stitch across the room because my arm jerked. It was picked up and I felt accepted . We all have something wrong it just happened that way and in another life we would never have met but it works and they are true friends who help eachother in anyway we can. Don't know if it's a northern thing as it wouldn't have happened where I came from .

Smiles very glad you and Mr S have found a new church to join and made to feel welcome . Have they got a choir you could join ? Hope Mr S wins his bowling matches . Shows how much you did the right thing moving if he would rather travel further than stay at the flat. Enjoy your exploring ,the dogs are going to love it and wonder what things you will see . Up here there has been an explosion of ripe wild blackberries but I won't be picking any leave them for the wildlife.

You will be in Penrith while I am in York . Must book the taxis today for here and York. Well the summers disappeared again . Hopefully back next week but either way enjoy your holiday as I intend to enjoy mine.

Jaffacake glad you had a good time with the Sally army . By asking you to help out shows they don't view as being disabled and incapable. Which must have given you a warm feeling. I love hearing the Sally army playing Christmas carols it always brightens a cold winters day.

Allsorts so right the Sally army help anyone and they never make you feel like you should believe in what they do. What I hate is Jehovah's witnesses or Mormons knocking on my door. I am never rude to them but I doubt very much if they would like it if I knocked on their door a banged on things I am passionate about .

Babs I know from my brother and sister in law's dog and friends with dogs that they help brighten your day but they also know when you need some TLC. That's why the assistance dogs can get through to people with physical or mental health issues and how they help children get through very difficult times. I know from my HPX group one got an assistance dog for her son and changed his life. He wasn't talking but he talked to the dog and then talked to everyone. Having the dog changed his life in a lot of ways.

I do wish people wouldn't try and pat guide dogs or assistance dogs either in training or fully trained. As they are working when they have their harness or coat on .

Whiff

Dam forgot to attack the picture.

Oh fabulous Whiff, very well done!

One of my students did me a cross-stitch book mark of a lady doing Tree, I treasure it and have it on my bookcase with all my yoga stuff.

When I was in the depths of despair my safe space was walking through some woods near us with our dear little dog ‘scout’. I felt as I sat on a log looking at the trees as if nature was giving me a hug. Scout passed away some years ago but certainly played a big part in helping me recover.

Yes, they do. And they were, apparently, very helpful with civilians during the last war - which is why my parents were so supportive of them.

They have strict rules about becoming a member, which is fair enough, but they help non-believers as well.

I think they, overall, are a force for good. 😉

Salvation Army do such a lot of good, tracing people, taking them in. They don’t push religion down your throats
but live in the way of Christian teachings.

@Jaffa
Whatever gives you strength right now just go with it. I have a lot of time for the Sally Army, they do a lot for the homeless and do have uplifting services and fantastic brass bands. This is a tough time for you and you need to feel uplifted, sounds like you have found your safe space. Xx

Smileless2012

Sorry Babs and Jaffa for getting you mixed up .

I'm glad you found the service uplifting Jaffa .

😂ha ha that’s ok I get mixed all the time.

Sorry Babs and Jaffa for getting you mixed up .

I'm glad you found the service uplifting Jaffa .

I don’t follow any religion, but I always support the Sally Army, as my parents did before.

They, seem to me, to try and do good, regardless of whether anyone attends their churches or not.

Any, unlike a lot off religions, they don’t stockpile cash.

Glad it made you feel better. 🙂

Salvation army service was uplifting. Sang How great thou art to brass band and tambourines nothing quite like it . Nice chat over tea afterwards and have been invited to help with their food bank twice a week. Considering I staggered off the bus walking with a stick and a limp arm think they must be desperate !! But have said maybe in a few months when I am better. Hopefully will improve.
Shattered when I got home and went to sleep on the sofa.

Thanks for best wishes, but I think is Jaffa going to the Salvation Army service. xx

Morning everyone.

I hope you enjoyed the Salvation Army service Babs.

We've been to our new church this morning. In all the years we've been going we have never met such a friendly congregation and it was lovely to take communion as the past weeks have been so hectic, we hadn't been.

Gosh that must have been a shock Whiff. I was expecting you to say something had hit the window or a bird had flown into it. I didn't know they could just shatter like that for no apparent reason.

It must be so reassuring having your DD close by.

You D must be worried Jaffa, I hope she doesn't have to wait much longer for her operation. I hope you'll be able to tell your friend to stop passing information onto your other D. There seems little point in keeping her up to date with what's when her sole focus is herself and her own needs.

Babs is right about taking away the line of communication to prevent any further upset. She continues to treat you appallingly despite knowing what you're going through.

Mr. S. is bowling all of next week so we'd planned to go to the flat to cut his journey time in half but I'm pleased to say he's agreed to stay here. I love the flat but as we've only been here 9 days, I'm not ready to go off and we're off to Penrith the following week for a few days to spend time with my cousins.

While he's bowling, I'll take some time to wander around and explore with the dogs .

A bit miserable here first thing but brightening up so fingers crossed for a bbq later.

Dam forgot to attack the picture.

Bridie thank you unfortunately a new thread on chat has appeared about missing posters as the other one was what I got suspended over . I didn't start the thread some else did but I chipped and someone reported me . But I knew who it was before she owned up to doing it . I have PMed the OP on it to be careful. But some of the posts are far worse than anything I said but they are still there.

Yogin I forgot to say you must be super fit and bendy . When my best friend took up yoga I cross stitched this and made it into a cushion for her as I loved the fact it was more like real woman .

So pleased you are of the naughty step Whiff, I have missed your wise rambles...I to thought you were on holiday.🤣

@Jaffa
Whiff speaks a lot of sense, and I know how hard it is to stop taking the abuse in order to at least have some kind of contact. But what kind of life is that? With you constantly anxious about how she will abuse you next?
And because she sees you as a soft target she won’t stop doing this as long as you keep allowing it by trying to be there for her.
I have been where you are now and can only advise that you put yourself and your other daughter first right now, concentrate on both your health problems, and take away the line of communication with your other daughter that enabled her to abuse you.
Abuse is abuse and just because we are parents doesn’t mean we have to suffer like this.
Take care of yourself and your other daughter.
Hugs xx

Enjoy your Salvation army services Babs

When my now estD first moved out, she would phone me every day too, from that to silence!

My estD's H tried that one too, saying it was me that refused to see my GC, got an email from his mum saying as much, I can't believe she didn't know the true, but then her son, my estD H, was a straight faced liar!