Support and friendship For Those Estranged

@whiff
Your phrase ‘a living grief’ is spot on. You go through the stages of loss and anger and then finally acceptance, though acceptance is much harder when you know your child is alive and so there remains a flicker of hope which can be a torment, but we all move towards acceptance and the relief this brings.
I do feel for you, having lost a lifetime partner before you had a lifetime together, that’s a tough rodeo. My dad died in his early fifties of a massive heart attack, and my mum was absolutely crushed, as well as the usual emotions you cycle through after a partner dies she always felt cheated, as did I, because he died so long before his time. She never met anyone else because she would always say my dad was the one love of her life and she also died early in her mid sixties. For me has always been hard to see grandparents around for their GCs until they become adults, or parents around for their grown children until they are even my age now, in my late sixties.
Take care xx

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Heres my window

Smiles you and Mr S made the right decision to move but this time it was because you where going forward to a new life not moving to escape from living near your son. You are already reaping the benefits of living closer in land and the winter costs in heating will be cheaper as well. Glad the dogs have settled well into their new home. Hopefully you will have a completion date on your old house as I bet your buyers are dieing to move in and start their new life.

Moving is how come I joined GN when my house sale fell through the second time and found others in the same position there where quiet a few of us moving in 2019 and glad to say no one has regretted moving all their lives have been better. In fact one GN member her family moved closer to them as they loved the area their parents live.

It's funny how moving can completely change your life for the better and I have found time flies by so quickly . I have never slept better since my first night here. I look forward to everyday. I love the new me and never want to go back to where I used to live . Here I have a home again and not just a house as my old house stopped being home when my husband died.

Had an awful shock yesterday luckily I was sitting down otherwise I would have been on the floor. I have french doors in my living room which I have never used or ever will ,either side are large glass panes with small window . I heard an big bang and a cracking my startle reflex kicked in and couldn't move as my limbs stiffen which started my PAF off and couldn't catch my breath. After a few minutes I could move and called my daughter but couldn't get the words out. So she came right away she was relieved it wasn't a trip to A&E but since being on the correct medication those days are over. After a drink of water and my daughter making me laugh my heart went back into rhythm and I could talk properly. The outside panel had shattered thank goodness double glazing has the gap between the panes. Nothing had hit it it just shattered. So my daughter put down some thick plastic down incase the glass fell out while I called my window guy. I decided not to go through my home insurance as I had to pay the first £50 and I know my window guy doesn't charge the earth and know I can always call him if I have any problems with my windows or doors. He came and measured up for a new pane and put a sticky plastic over the shattered glass to keep it in place. He said it happens sometimes a pane will just shatter for no reason but it's rare. He will put in a replacement before I go away on the 9th. Had misted panes before but never one that shattered.

SparklyGrandma that's awful why do people do that . At least you have loyal people in your life who knows the truth. These horrible people spreading gossip are their lives so empty they take pleasure in hurting others I would feel sorry for them if I didn't feel so angry about it for you.
These people think estrangement can never happen to them as they no doubt think they are prefect but there is no such thing as perfect. Hopefully they get bored and move on to another topic.

I know it's hard but try and take no notice you know the truth and that what counts. Plus loved by others.

Morning Whiff nice to see you back. You speak a lot of sense coming from your own sad experiences.
It is so hard when you are feeling ill to make decisions in response to unkindness from the daughter you have loved all her life. It feels unreal like a nightmare which one morning I will wake up from and it will be like a few years ago. Then it was happy daily phone calls telling me all her news and what the grand children have been up to. I just don't understand what changed.
Yesterday was a bad day. I felt so low. I had a phone call from my younger daughter the previous day. She is still waiting for a surgery date and is very worried that she may have cancer. Weeks go on and although she is supposed to be high risk there is still a long wait. I have suggested that she goes private but her gynae surgeon only operates with NHS and she feels confident with him. Her husband is a lovely caring man who is under stress as his father had a stroke 2 weeks ago and he has been trying to sort out his care as well as working and looking after my daughter mental health. I wish I lived closer to be there for them. I know I would be able to go by train but it would be hard with mobility issues. R is coming back from Ireland when she has her surgery to help.
Today I am going to go by bus into town to the Salvation army church service,maybe that will bring some inner peace. Although it will be noisy with brass band so no outer peace !
I hope you have a good day. We are due to have heat this afternoon then thunderstorms later .

Thank you Babs03 and Smileless2012. It has certainly increased my resilience, the ongoing sad estrangement, though I wish it didn’t have too.

Thank you.

Jaffacake your friend in Ireland should block your estranged daughters number and he should not give her any information about her. If she wants to know then she should ask you but in a civil way . With all your health worries and your daughter's operation you need to make the hard decision to stop letting your other daughter hurt you as you being hurt by her hurts your other daughter who has her own worries about you and her operation. There comes a point when you have to give up hope of a relationship with your own child and it's hard. I made that decision last year think it was November/ December. I text my son just to ask how they were only the third text since 2020 I had sent. I had decided if I got silence or abuse then I am done. I had abuse. So I am done hoping to even see my son or grandsons ever again. And I felt a weight lift from my shoulders and am very happy with my decision. It's my grandsons I feel sorry for they are growing up with one nannie who lives with them .

My daughter in law's mother. When her marriage broke up she moved back to this country and moved in with them . I was told it was temporary until she got a place of her own this is year 9 and she is still there. Has the woman got no pride .
Funny thing is I got on very well with her. My grandsons are missing out as my son cut all over side of the family out of their lives. They probably have been told I am dead or don't care about them . But my son had better tell them about his dad . My husband always wanted to be a grandad and if he had lived he would never have let this estrangement happen as he would have been round like a shot and had it out with our son and daughter in law.

Moving here has given me a new life they only negative was the estrangement but my grief for my husband far outweighs what my son has done . Everything in my life is so much better and I can honestly say I have have never been happier. I live my life to the full ,have better healthcare and more true friends than I ever had and neighbours that care. I no longer just exist.

Because of my HPX all my life if I decide to do something I have to do it not matter how much pain I am in or how bad my mobility is for a long time just thought I was weird but thanks to my HPX Facebook group I know now it's part of having HPX . I always stick to what I decide and have always planned well in advance it's how my life works . I was very lucky to love and be loved by a man who understood all my weirdness and even when my health got worse he just said we alter our life to suit you and be a normal family. I was always a hands on mom doing everything in the home ,the garden was my husband's domain. Only thing I couldn't do was go out by myself when the children where young. Our children never suffered or missed out on anything because of having a disabled mom . My father in law called me defective but at least he had the guts to say it to my face.

I can do things in an emergency but it always made me jittery turns out thanks to my HPX friends it's anxiety never knew I suffered from it just thought I was weird. I have to laugh at myself.

Jaffacake what do you want for the now and future ? And I think you have the hard decision to make to stop letting you daughter hurt you and let her go . As hard as it is you will feel better for it and you have to put your health and your other daughter who loves and cares about you first. Life is to short for having people in your life who takes pleasure in hurting others.

Walking on eggshells and dancing to someone else's tune is no way to live . You will be able to cope better with your own health worries and help support your daughter through her operation and recovery without your other daughter in your life. And to be honest you already know this . No more what ifs or if onlies. Estrangement has been called a living grief and it is but it's nothing like the grief you feel when the other half of you dies. Living grief gets easier to cope with as the months and years go by. But the grief you feel for the other half of you dieing gets worse as the years go by but you learn to cope but it can still be overwhelming as it is for me and it's been 20.5 years since my husband died.

Why do some people have to be so cruel SparklyGrandma as if our pain and suffering isn't enough without them adding to it.

We take our strength from the people who know and love us and from one another here on this thread. I know it's hard but we must ignore those who wish to rub salt into our wounds and be thankful that we are not like them.

x

@SparklyGrandma
Sad to hear your family are doing this, seems some people like nothing better than to spread gossip. I am estranged from my sister and many on my side of the family due to their bad mouthing us after we became estranged from our daughter. They hadn’t a clue what was going on but still revelled in spreading malicious gossip.
Just thankful that our other three daughters stayed close and so are also estranged from their sister and family on my side.
As you say, take strength from those who know you and love you for who you are, and keep occupied.
Life is too short. Xx

Hello Smileless and everyone else here in the estrangement predicament.
Sadly whilst my estrangement from my DS DDiL and DGDs is now longstanding, there are other people in my family who have decided to reclassify the situation as my refusing to see my grandchildren and spreading that gossips locally.

In order to remain distracted and not be upset, I have decided to focus myself on things I love, my pets, my garden, reading nice books and having lunch out with friends who know me and are accepting of me always.

As Smileless said, getting on with things to distract ourselves is good, can or will be hard at first, but try and get a hobby or a routine going.

We estranged GNetters can’t be upset all the time, it might make us ill and we don’t want to have that.

Commiserations.

@smileless
Great news.
You are our inspiration, keeps us going with the old house selling and buying business.
We really should have done this years ago but as you say it isn’t about making a conscious decision more a gut feeling that it is right.

Whiff yes, it's so important to keep yourself fit, so well done you, keep it going.

Before I started teaching yoga, I would do 2hrs of yoga every day, without fail, even did it before going to a yoga class! Once I started teaching, doing between 2-4 classes every day, 6 days per week, 90min & 60 mins classes, I would only do 30mins of my own yoga practice each day.

With the lockdown and breaking my wrist just before hand, all my yoga stopped! After about 2 weeks I started up again, about an hour most days and did some videos for my students to keep them going through the Covid nightmare.

When everything started going back to normal again, I decided to semi-retire, only doing 5 classes per week. Then this summer holidays & with the run of Bank holiday Mondays, I found myself doing less yoga than I had ever done. So, I'm now back to my daily yoga routine with 2hrs when I'm teaching and then just 30mins or so, when I'm not,
so, every day again, before I take Joey for his walkies.

I noticed the difference in my fitness when I wasn't doing as much as I did before, even though I was still doing lots of yoga, each week, but not every day as before. So, in other words, you do have to keep it going and give yourself a little push and keep a daily routine.

Smiles so very pleased for you & Mr.S, it sounds wonderful where you've moved to.

Whiff so you've been a naughtier girl! Honestly, you can say something on GN and think nothing of it, then suddenly your post is deleted and your banned, because someone that can dish it out can't take it back!

I've even quoted someone on this thread, they didn't like seeing that they had contradicted themselves, so got my post deleted, when I was just repeating what they themselves had said, which made them look like they were not being truthful.

Morning everyone.

Welcome back Whiff this thread hasn't been the same without your lovely rambles .

Seeing your move as a reset and liberating is just how we felt when we first moved over 7.5 years ago Babs, and it's felt the same this time too.

No longer feeling the need to keep the memory box came as a complete surprise TBH as was our decision just 2.5 months ago to move again. Our experience of estrangement has been that there isn't a lot of conscious ruminating when it comes to major decisions, they're made when we least expect it.

We're thrilled that the weather is so good Allsorts. The first half of the summer was awful and when the weather improved, we were so busy sorting everything out that we weren't able to enjoy it.

It does feel as if we're on holiday and we've enjoyed 2 bbq's since we moved in.

Went back to the house yesterday so Mr. S. could take the tv off the wall in the kitchen diner while I had my hair done. It is just a house now, all be it a fabulous one and no longer our home so absolutely no regrets.

Welcome back Whiff. I can’t understand why you were suspended as you are supportive of everyone and very positive despite life’s challenges. I’m afraid I have periods when I can find myself in a bad place and like Babs for the lost years although it changes nothing. It is so nice to come on here and know you're not alone and get support for something we can’t change. I think a new home Babs will be a new start, everyone that I've known do it on here are glad they did.
Smileless what a lovely time to move, in this glorious weather you must feel as you're on holiday sitting on your patio. Is there a bbq planned maybe.

Correction - when we do move, not when we do love

@whiff
Glad you are back to ramble.
I get what you and my other daughters are saying about sending things to the GCs. Tbh we are both undergoing a reset with this move, and as you say our estranged daughter will not know our address, so it feels liberating as well as stressful. 10 years is a long time and I think that if I didn’t suffer a breakdown I would have had the strength to get on with my life much sooner. When I look at the ‘lost’ years it makes me weep. But no more. We are living our lives now as best we can with whatever time is left to us and keeping our other dear daughters close as well as their GCs. Life is too short as I always say so when we do love who knows?
We could be ready to break that final tie and stop sending presents.
Thanks for wise words.
Xx

Babs after my son sent the email in 2020 he ended by saying I love you mom but don't like you give me some time . This was May I knew my new grandson was due the end of July . As it was my son's and their 2nd son's birthday the same day in August I thought I had given him enough time . So I sent them cards ,and 3 presents for my new grandson. I had put in a cheque and a friendly letter didn't mention the email . I explained how the cheque was to be spilt and told him the results of my bubble echocardiogram. When he sent the email he knew I was waiting for further tests on my heart as the echocardiogram had shown there was a problem. The day after their birthdays everything was sent back all unopened with a short letter stating he didn't want my vindictive and manipulative behaviour anywhere near me or my family ever again . Zero contact. It hurts me badly to think my son was so cruel as not to let my grandsons have anything off me plus someone had had a hissy fit and crushed the babies presents luckily they where soft but you could see finger marks from the crushing . My daughter and grandson where here that day . My daughter was pregnant but gave her the babies presents to give to a charity she supports for families who need help clothes etc when expecting a baby the charity supplies things for up to 2 year olds.

It was my eldest grandsons birthday in October I so badly wanted to sent him some presents and a card but I didn't as I didn't want the same thing happening again . And haven't sent anything for birthdays ,Easter or Christmas since. And assume they don't even know I exist as the 2 eldest where 4 & 2 last time I saw them . The boys are nearly 8,6 and 4 . I don't even know the youngest of my grandsons name or date of birth . So on their birthdays and the date the youngest was due wish them happy birthday and Christmas out loud.

It's a horrible thing when you have to protect yourself against being hurt by your own child. But what hurts me the most about the whole estrangement is my son is a cruel coward. He hadn't got the guts to face me and say all the things he said in his email. He wasn't brought up to be like that and even when my husband was alive both the children could talk to us about anything and they could after he died. But I had a kind loving son for 32 years no idea who he is now but I am no longer the mom he knew either.

I don't know how you can carrying on sending for so longer never knowing if your grandchildren receive the things you send. I made my decision in 2020 and have stuck to it. If I carried on sending and things came back unopened the only person hurting was me and I will not allow my son and daughter in law to hurt me like that ever again . Your grandchildren are teenagers now and able to make up their own minds if they want to contact you ,as they haven't you have to decide what's best for you and how long you will allow your daughter to hurt you . I think your other daughter's are right saying you should stop . Best concentrate on those that love you and care about you both . Ten years is a long time to live in hope I couldn't do it . With your move ahead I would drawn a line under your estrangement and see your moving as a new start once your house is sold and into your new home . Plus your daughter wouldn't know you have moved as there is no need to let her or your grandchildren know.
Will finish my ramble as think that's enough for now . So glad I can ramble on as it was horrible to be cut off . 😊

My ramble will have to be in parts as I read each page. 😁.
Babs your grandson couldn't be in better hands than Great Ormond street hospital. And having operations etc done while so young he wouldn't remember but have a full life in the future. But it is a enormous worry for his parents and all the family who love him . But he sounds a happy chappy.

Hope you have had some viewings and accept an offer soon and this time it goes through . You don't need this added stress in your life . But when it all goes through and you are in your new home it's all worth it. Fingers and toes crossed for you .

Jaffacake so glad you could open up to the Salvation army captain and she was so kind and listened to you. I have always supported the sally army as they help any body . But their rules to join are very strict but they don't impose their beliefs on others unlike some religious organisations. I have been told by people of various faiths over the years that I will burn in the fires of hell because I am an atheist. Did point out as I don't believe in any
god therefore don't believe in heaven or hell or an after live. An old friend who was a Methodist lay preacher introduction me to friends of hers as a pagan but pointed out paganism is a belief and I have none so can't be a pagan. Still makes me smile after 40 years remembering that .

Yogin you are super fit doing all those steps . I do exercises everyday as I need to keep my limbs working and trying to build up the strength I am losing especially in my arms. Having to wear a wrist brace on my right wrist when I go out or when it's hurting more at home. I have to laugh at myself the fact I enjoy doing the exercises and going to my sit fit class. My husband would laugh his socks off me liking exercise.

At the Brain Charity they have a neuro gym but would be no use to me as I can't use the equipment they have . What amazes me the man who won the cup of the most miles done over the last month on the cross trainer has cerebral palsy. But he did 100's of miles did say how many but I
have forgotten and yet it's hard for him to walk. The trainer helps him on and away he goes .

Babs I go in holiday on the 9th to York for 5 days . Couple on here knew what had happened to me . But I am back for good . Will re read everything you have been going through and everyone else. So be back to rambling tomorrow. 😊

Whiff

DiamondLily I broke the guidelines and was reported. Never want to get suspended again . It was horrible not able to write my rambles 🤣

I also thought you were on holiday. Can’t imagine why you were suspended.
Welcome back xx

Whiff

DiamondLily I broke the guidelines and was reported. Never want to get suspended again . It was horrible not able to write my rambles 🤣

Oh, to be honest, I’ve never read anything of yours that broke guidelines, although I have from some other posters.🙄

I thought you were on holiday, but nice that you’re back. 👍🍾

DiamondLily I broke the guidelines and was reported. Never want to get suspended again . It was horrible not able to write my rambles 🤣

Whiff

Just checking I am back. I haven't been able to post since Thursday last week as I was suspended. Fingers crossed this works

Suspended? Oh, can’t think why. 🤷‍♀️. Good that you’re back though. 🙂

Just checking I am back. I haven't been able to post since Thursday last week as I was suspended. Fingers crossed this works

Morning everyone.

Yes Allsorts we should do what feels right for us.

Our new home is fabulous Yogin and although it's only a week today since we moved in, we're all settled including the doggies .

It is as we thought it would be warmer here further in land, and we've already spent a lot of time sitting outside on the decking enjoying the view.

Sounds as if you've got a couple of busy days planned; enjoy.