Support and friendship For Those Estranged

Morning everyone.

You're right Allsorts, I do need to be careful and I really appreciate your candor. TBH I think the speed she became involved with someone else is one of the problems. I don't think she's given herself time to grieve and the relationship became very intense, very quickly.

You're bound to miss your friend Jaffa. You mentioned a while back that he'd suggested you move to Ireland, and I'm wondering if when you've seen the specialist and have the diagnosis confirmed, if this is something you'll give serious consideration.

It's awful when you realise that you need to protect yourself from your own child but needs must and as Babs has posted, we cannot allow ourselves to be slaves to their moods and tantrums.

I think when you've had to be careful with money it never leaves you Whiff. It's not a bad thing as long as we don't let it prevent us from doing the things we want to do when we can afford too.

It's good to know your finances are sorted and you're receiving everything that you're entitled too .

You have a busy and fun day ahead Yogin; enjoy .

Yesterday was frustrating. The British Heart Foundation came for the collection and couldn't take the 3'0 storage bed base because there was no label; fair enough. They wouldn't take the chairs because they're not recliners!!!

Now as you know, I've been ribbing Mr. S. about no one wanting them because I never have but, they're in pristine condition and I couldn't believe it when they said they were no good.

Mr. S. took them round to another charity shop who were thrilled with them; so pleased they didn't have to go to the tip.

We're going to take the bed base with us today and if we can get it in will swap with the bed there. It's a storage base and will be very useful as well as being better quality. If we can't get it in we'll just have to bring it back.

Disaster was diverted yesterday. We had a little coin money bag with the money we've raised selling things locally and last night couldn't find it . With well over £300 inside panic ensued.

I couldn't even remember seeing it yesterday and certainly had no idea where I'd put it. I remembered throwing stuff out in that area so got the bin bag out of the big bin and after a rather unpleasant rummage, found it ..... phew.

We thought on Monday that we might leave Thursday rather than Friday but after that fiasco we're trying to slow our brains down. We're getting beyond tired now and it doesn't matter if it's tomorrow or in 2 or 3 days time. It could easily be weeks before we complete as we've no date yet.

It's the last push that's the hardest.

Have a good day everyone.

Yoginimeisje

Jaffa sorry your friend from Ireland is going home and leaving you on your own without his support. Once you have your health diagnosed, maybe you can join him and even consider doing it permanently.

Off to St. James Park this morning to see the Pelicans! Picinic in the park, then onto the theatre to see Matilda, then a meal after, back on the train at 7pm for home, Whow!

Sounds exciting!!
Enjoy!
Am off to London but to babysit.
X

What a fantastic day planned Yoga, enjoy.
Jaffa, you will miss your friend I know, you will get through this
without your eldest, although your younger daughter cannot help practically but is there emotionally and cares for you. I have had a few issues which i never thought i could cope with alone but I did,

Jaffa sorry your friend from Ireland is going home and leaving you on your own without his support. Once you have your health diagnosed, maybe you can join him and even consider doing it permanently.

Off to St. James Park this morning to see the Pelicans! Picinic in the park, then onto the theatre to see Matilda, then a meal after, back on the train at 7pm for home, Whow!

Smileless, I think you have to be careful with your friend next door, she moved on quite quickly to a new relationship after her partner died and you welcomed her in. I don't like her behaviour one bit so be careful. I’ve suffered bereavement and you don't behave like that. You have a new start don't let anyone spoil it. You have lots of friends and your husband who treat you well, I hate to think of you crying because of her behaviour.

Jaffacake2

Seaside day out today with my mate R. He is going home to Ireland on thursday,driving up to Liverpool then across on the ferry. I shall miss him terribly as he has kept me going over past month. It will be strange and scary being on my own but I have got a lot of emotional resilience from reading all your posts. I know it's one day at a time for recovery or adaption to whatever my physical condition is going to be.
Also I have realised that my older daughter will not be there for me in a positive caring way. She has been so cruel and unkind over the past few months I have been in hospital and disabled. When I read her messages I cannot believe how much she has changed and how embittered she feels towards me. I need to keeps distance for my sanity. My other daughter will hopefully be having her surgery soon to remove what we hope is a large benign ovarian teratoma. I want to be able to help her after her surgery, but won't be stepping on her husband's toes.
Hopefully gluten free fish and chips today by the sea. But have to be careful as I have had previous anaphylaxis to wheat and nuts.
Why is life so tricky ?!

Is hard to come to the conclusion that a daughter will not be there for you in anything but a negative and abusive way.
You don’t need this or deserve it.
Being a parent doesn’t mean we become slaves to our adult children’s moods and temper tantrums, we have lives that matter every bit as much as theirs.
You have more than enough to cope with so leave her be and draw strength from those who do give a damn.

Seaside day out today with my mate R. He is going home to Ireland on thursday,driving up to Liverpool then across on the ferry. I shall miss him terribly as he has kept me going over past month. It will be strange and scary being on my own but I have got a lot of emotional resilience from reading all your posts. I know it's one day at a time for recovery or adaption to whatever my physical condition is going to be.
Also I have realised that my older daughter will not be there for me in a positive caring way. She has been so cruel and unkind over the past few months I have been in hospital and disabled. When I read her messages I cannot believe how much she has changed and how embittered she feels towards me. I need to keeps distance for my sanity. My other daughter will hopefully be having her surgery soon to remove what we hope is a large benign ovarian teratoma. I want to be able to help her after her surgery, but won't be stepping on her husband's toes.
Hopefully gluten free fish and chips today by the sea. But have to be careful as I have had previous anaphylaxis to wheat and nuts.
Why is life so tricky ?!

Oh dear Smiles Your dear neighbour has had her life tipped upside down; everything has changed for her and now you are moving. As you say, you can still meet up for a meal and keep in touch, also visits to your new home.

When our lives change, unfortunately, that can mean friends change too, it happens to us all. Just let things naturally pan-out, without pushing, time will sort & heal. She has a new partner with children, so she is busy with her new life and she should be happy about your new life too.

@Whiff

So glad you got your finances sorted, with your ill health I can understand why your daughter was worried but of course like you I would never want to rely on my grown family unless things were really dire. We always like to think that because we have never had a lot of money at least we don’t have to worry about it 😂
Feeling positive today. Have coffee with a good friend this morning, she isn’t estranged from her son but he treats her terribly, only lives 2 miles away and she hasn’t seen him for 6 months, her DiL seems to be the cause, decided she didn’t like her MiL pretty soon aft they were married and has made my friends life a misery ever since. But her daughter is a lovely person and has just moved from NY to London which is quite near to us so I imagine my friend will be a happy bunny this morning.
Also am off to look aft 6 month old grandson in London tomoro, he had serious surgery in GOSH a short time ago but has recovered well, still needs more surgery but the outlook is good. He is bright as a button.
Will be shattered by Friday but will be a ‘good’ shattered.
Hope you and everyone else on this thread has a good day.
Time to start getting excited about the move smileless now your troubles with your gorg girl have been put to bed.
Xx

As I was a page behind and just read back what I wrote sorry about the odd word appearing that didn't make sense in some sentences. As I do preview it before posting but words change on me . Well that's my excuse 😂. What I want to say and what I type doesn't always tally. But I have a good excuse as others with HPX have the same problem. We have it when talking what we think we say comes out completely different but glad I know that . My HPX group is very supportive and no question I ask is to silly and have learned such at lot and my life makes sense only wish my husband had lived long enough to find out with me what 2 things I was born with . But at least I know, better late than never. Getting treatment for both especially for my HPX changed my life no more limb jerks or seizures. Still have all the usual problems. But we all have our health problems.

I came to realised physical health impacts on mental health and vise versa. But have never had a duvet day.

Estrangement I realised can impact on your health not just mentally but because it's so exhausting it effects your body. And can make any physical health worse. I know my pain levels went up when I was trolled by my daughter in law on GN and finding out about her Reddit posts. But you can't keep me down for long . My dad always said no such thing as can't do I said can not he used to give me a look . I owe my parents so much as I have seen videos of babies with HPX and they must have been terrified especially as my brother is only 16 months younger than me so they noticed how we developed differently . But they never made a thing about me being different. My extended family never treated me as odd .

Funny how because of my upbringing meant I didn't realise I was different until I went to high school. And bullied everyday day for 5 years.

But realise that my son and daughter in law where just like my bullies but at least I have silence which I have already said I am glad off. As what some of you have are are going through is torture . But you have shown how strong you are it may not feel it but you are.

Life changes us no matter how old we get and our experiences model us who we want to be . I had no choice about my estrangement but what hurt the most was realising my son was a cruel coward . Who hadn't got the courage to face me but then again I don't think he could have gone with it that's why he chose email and follow up letter.

But with the help of all here over the last 4 years I was able to get through the hurt but last year I decided I am done wishing for something that will never happen and that's seeing my son and grandsons ever again . And once I decide to do something I stick to it. The grief I feel everyday over my husband far out weights what my son has done. And the rage and angry I still feel over my husband dieing gets me through everyday.

Glad you had a coffee with her Smiles and feeling happier. Moving is the best thing for you and Mr S. I never shed a tear when I left my house for the last time I just looked around the empty rooms and felt relief as it wasn't home had hadn't been since my husband died it was just a house. But my bungalow has been home since day one and the 5 years have flown by. I wasn't happy until I moved here and you take your memories with you . I live a full life now and don't just exist as I did. Smiles you and Mr S have new adventures awaiting you, you still have family that loves and cares for you but new people to met and new experiences. Never to old to learn and experience new things.

Yet another ramble over 😁

As usual I am getting behind on my reading. Lovely to see how active this thread this shows how much it is needed and will always be.

Glad Allsorts let you all know how she is . I couldn't say anything until she posted as I don't betray confidences.

Smiles you and Mr S come first and don't understand your lovely girls attitude. Upsetting you is unacceptable glad you let her see how upset you where. Everything you both did while she was with her first partner and all you did after she died she such beautiful happy for you both. She has moved on and found another partner which you where both happy about. She should be happy you are starting a new chapter in your life instead of thinking about herself. I know she said she suffers from anxiety but that's no excuse.

I suffer from anxiety but never knew until my diagnosis for HPX it's only by asking questions that I found out how I feel about situations just thought I was weird. But I would never take how I feel out on anyone.

Jaffacake I am glad you had facetime with your grandson. I hate the fact our children use our grandchildren as a weapon against us. It's cruel and children are aware of what's going on . They know if something is wrong from an early age.

This isn't the same thing and may have already mentioned this . Had my grandson who's 6.5 the other week for the day. At lunch he was telling me what my parents where called and I talked about his granddad he turned his head away and saw tears running down his face . I felt terrible I made him cry we hugged and told him I was sorry but he wanted to know about his granddad. So I made him laugh about his klutz of a grandad . But pointed out he had 2 nannies and a grandad that love him and his brother very much and would see them grow up. When my daughter came to pick him up I told her what happened she said it's ok she talks about her dad to them both as even though he isn't here is still part of their lives . My daughter is like her dad very wise . Thankfully she takes after my side of the family in looks. 😁. My husband's side had big noses . My son looked like his dad minus the big nose.

Jaffacake and Babs I am sorry the way you are being treated I am glad I have silence from my son . I put up with a lot over the years but nothing like you both. Because I only saw the family occasionally I was just happy to be with them so I ignored and barbed comments by my daughter in law but they where usually aimed at my daughter. My daughter in law has always been jealous of my daughter . And my daughter has always thought she was stupid since their first meeting a year after my husband died. I was happy my son found someone and was my happy boy again . I know it was grief but he was a right shit at times before he met her. My daughter was always telling him off . I should have but understood they where both grieving . But my daughter didn't act out. I put it down to her being 4 years older and a woman. But hindsight is a wonderful thing and should have nipped his behaviour in the bud .

I have noticed over my years on this thread and reading other estrangement threads those that help their children financially are subjective to be awful behaviour and the more they give the worse they are treated.

I am proud both couples got what they have through their own hard work and saving both have their own homes and both paid for their own weddings. They told me years after their dad died if I ever needed money I had to tell them . Not that I ever would have had anything off them. As in my book parents do not have money from their children.

When the energy prices went so high I could only have the heating on 3 hours a day. My daughter told me she would pay my bills but I said no. I just layered up and went to bed early. Thankfully the Brain Charity helped after my PIP was denied and because of them I had a solicitor pro bono who told me I was entitled to universal credit and had for years but I never knew and got the health part as well. I was awarded enhanced PIP for living and mobility indefinitely via the tribunal which is a court and the decision comes on crown court paper and back dated to when I applied for the forms . I became a pensioner this year and thanks to the citizens advice was awarded some pension credit as well as getting full state pension. My husband worked for 30 years before he died and paid lot of NI contributions as he earned a good salary. And get 48p week from what would have been his pension . I showed my daughter what I got every 4 weeks so she didn't have to worry about me financially. To be honest never had so much money. But I am still very careful with can't change a habit of a life time. But I did spent lots of my savings on getting my bungalow done exactly as I needed it to be for my safety. And glad I did.

So glad Smileless What a relief!

Smileless2012

I've just had our gorgeous girl round for a coffee and a chat and am feeling much better about everything.

Thank you all for your support xx

Great stuff!
So glad x

I've just had our gorgeous girl round for a coffee and a chat and am feeling much better about everything.

Thank you all for your support xx

Definitely!

Smileless2012

You're absolutely right DL she is being selfish. I'm annoyed as well as being upset but chose to keep my annoyance to myself which wasn't hard to do because I was in tears.

It was an awful evening and TBH I'm still shaken by it but also relieved that we talked. I think she understands, well I hope she does.

Mr. S. has 4 siblings and I have 3 cousins, we are all in regular contact and we have very good friends, but the reality is with DS in Aus. we only have one another so we have to make decisions that we hope will make life a little bit easier for the one that will inevitably be left behind.

The time since we told her we were moving and her distancing from us had affected me more than I realised, and last night just brought everything to a head.

I've been weepy all day when with just a couple more days to go, we now think we'll be leaving on Thursday, I should be feeling excited and looking forward to this next chapter in our lives.

I know and understand she's still trying to come to terms with her loss, despite being in a new relationship. We're still trying to come to terms with the loss of S too. I know that when she's here, us being next door is a safety blanket for her but as you say and I have said, an hour away is nothing unless you want it to be.

Thank you DL.

That’s ok. I didn’t want to upset you.😉

You’re bound to have mixed feelings about life changes. Whatever they are, they bring stress.

Moving is all stress! Try to just focus on how happy you will be, when settled in your new home. Tears and meltdowns are normal - I did it every time DH and I moved lol 🙄

For the moment, all that matters is you and your DH.

Life does as it does - the rest will follow naturally.

So, stiff drink, chin up -onwards and upwards.💐

I hope she will manage to adjust Smileless. Changes are hard at first, some find them harder. Maybe she has come to depend on you a lot, but I really hope with time the sunny side of your relationship will come out again .

You're absolutely right DL she is being selfish. I'm annoyed as well as being upset but chose to keep my annoyance to myself which wasn't hard to do because I was in tears.

It was an awful evening and TBH I'm still shaken by it but also relieved that we talked. I think she understands, well I hope she does.

Mr. S. has 4 siblings and I have 3 cousins, we are all in regular contact and we have very good friends, but the reality is with DS in Aus. we only have one another so we have to make decisions that we hope will make life a little bit easier for the one that will inevitably be left behind.

The time since we told her we were moving and her distancing from us had affected me more than I realised, and last night just brought everything to a head.

I've been weepy all day when with just a couple more days to go, we now think we'll be leaving on Thursday, I should be feeling excited and looking forward to this next chapter in our lives.

I know and understand she's still trying to come to terms with her loss, despite being in a new relationship. We're still trying to come to terms with the loss of S too. I know that when she's here, us being next door is a safety blanket for her but as you say and I have said, an hour away is nothing unless you want it to be.

Thank you DL.

Smiles - I’m not being funny, but I do think your friend is being a bit selfish here.

She moved on after losing her partner, and found another partner. Good luck to her, it’s what she obviously needed. All good. A new phase in her life.

But, she needs to understand that you and your DH are going what’s right for you. This move is a new phase in your life.

She should be happy for you both.

Friends can be funny things. Since DH died, this has been a real learning curve for me.😗

I hope you can remain friends, as an hour away is nothing, but if you can’t, there will be new friends in life.😉

Allsorts

Im fine thanks Smileless, had a period when different health issues have been a pain. Hopefully soon sorted I hope.
Indigo, I think severe stress lowers the bodies defences and leave you open to all kinds of ailments. Its a really big problem when you are first estranged, it should come with a health warning.

Hope you feel better soon. Agree totally about stress levels affecting us physically, and mentally of course.
We really are the walking wounded.
My husband has severe ulcerative colitis. Which can end up with hospitalisation. He usually has a flare up if worrying about the situation with our estranged daughter.
Now there is talk of cutting the intestine and giving him a bag.

Allsorts

Im fine thanks Smileless, had a period when different health issues have been a pain. Hopefully soon sorted I hope.
Indigo, I think severe stress lowers the bodies defences and leave you open to all kinds of ailments. Its a really big problem when you are first estranged, it should come with a health warning.

Yes it is bad for the health. Severe stress definitely lowered my defences and put me in danger.

Even when it's not a new thing, fresh hurtfulness/abuse/criticism can put you in a low place.

That's good to know Allsorts x

Im fine thanks Smileless, had a period when different health issues have been a pain. Hopefully soon sorted I hope.
Indigo, I think severe stress lowers the bodies defences and leave you open to all kinds of ailments. Its a really big problem when you are first estranged, it should come with a health warning.

Thank you Babs, Onward and Bridie; I don't know what I'd do without everyone on this thread x

I hope you're OK Allsorts sending (((hugs))).

Bluesky53

In my opinion stress and depression can be more debilitating than heavy colds, mild diarrhoea and vomiting etc.

Take time out, have duvet days, be kind yourself. I can tell from your posts that you are clearly a very bright and thoughtful about others. I hope you feel less despairing soon.