Support and friendship For Those Estranged

Awh that sounds upsetting smileless, but it sounds like you have done your best to reassure her that you are only a little distance apart, and the suggestion of meeting up even monthly sounds a great idea, I'm sure you will miss each other,you have held each other up through lots of emotional times, but seem to have a lovely friendship.

Bridie22

Morning,
Just wondering if anybody has heard from Allsorts , she wasn't well yesterday?

Hope she is ok.
🤞

Correction - the good reasons for your move.
Predictive text.
Agghh where is the edit button 😩

Oh @Smileless2021 so sorry , how upsetting! I hope you will be able to retain links with your gorgeous girl. The card sounds lovely.
Change is hard. Moving house is so stressful as well. Grief is awful. I hope you can talk more another time.

@smileless,
If you are only a reasonable distance away why not set up a date, say the first weekend in every month or other month if people are too busy, or a week day, when you meet up with your gorg girl, and make it ‘a thing’.
I think she worries that you possibly won’t see her again, you may also have the same worry.
I totally get how her behaviour was triggering, reminding you of your ES, I get triggered by my remaining daughters behaviour sometimes, we are hard wired now to panic like this. I hate it because it puts pressure on my other daughters to tread on egg shells sometimes but am constantly telling them not to, is not fair on them.
Like you my move will be tough but much needed. I have a good friend whom I have known for many years here, one of very few who knows my story, and she is tearful about my departure. Will be over two and half hours away on the M25 and then the M23. She is not in good health so can’t make the journey, however am going to mention a similar plan to her, a date when I will return to spend the day with her.
Keep in mind the prize, the good read is for your love. And I will too.
All the best x

Your post reminded me of a conversation I had with DS a few years ago Yogin. He said ES doesn't know if we love him!!! I told him if the first 27 years of his life weren't proof that we do, what on earth would be.

When it comes to our AC I think we can all be afraid to 'tell it how it is' but sometimes it's the only way. What more do any of our AC want? What more could or can any of us do?

I'm so glad you're all here because I'm not in a good place this morning. Our gorgeous girl took the news that we were moving very badly, which I fully understand.

It was a year last Tuesday that she lost her wonderful partner and we lost our other gorgeous girl. The four of us have been a constant in one another's lives since we moved here, with each one of us giving the others love and support.

We don't see anything like as much of her as we used too because she spends 50% of her time where her new partner lives, and when they here her partners children are often here too so we don't get to see them as much as we'd like.

It's wonderful of course that they've met and are clearly happy together. Had this not been the case maybe we wouldn't be moving, but you never know how things might have been if other things hadn't happened.

We went out fora meal last night and the atmosphere was horrible. I knew we needed to talk but I also knew she wouldn't. She ate her starter and asked them to box up her meal because she wasn't feeling well. She suffers from anxiety and I knew this was because we are leaving on Friday.

She said she was going through a bad time, being 'pissy' with people and snappy and argumentative. I told her she could be all of those things with me because it was preferable to her shutting me out.

She was shocked and said she didn't want to talk about it so I told her that wasn't fair because we needed to talk about it, I had to talk about it because it was like our ES all over again and she was breaking my heart.

I went outside because I was crying and getting myself into a proper state. She joined me a few minutes later and said that my being upset was why she hadn't said anything, but as I explained it was her not saying anything that was upsetting me.

I know she feels abandoned which so close to losing S is perfectly understandable especially, as very sadly her once close relationship with her mum is deteriorating. I know she's been pushing us away and out of her life before we push her out of ours.

I told her when she's here she's never more than an hours drive away, half an hour if we are at our flat and our move can only come between us if she puts it there.

Even though I know it's her grief for S and what's happening with her mum and not just our move that's upsetting her, I still feel guilty because we've hurt her and that's something we would never want to do.

It was OK when we parted and I know I'm going to have to send her a lot of reassuring messages and invitations to our new home so she knows nothing has changed.

She goes to her partner's tomorrow and wont be back until we've left and I've got a card that I'll leave for her. Piglet is asking Pooh "We'll be friends forever won't we" and Pooh answers "Even longer".

It was a painful and distressing conversation but one that was needed and I think she's in a better place emotionally now.

Me, I just feel exhausted. We both do TBH because the last two months have been so busy with so much to do and to think about and this coming week is no different.

I'm worried that we might lose our gorgeous girl eventually and can only hope and pray that we don't.

Have sent a message, hope she gets it.

Good morning everyone

Yesterday Allsorts sent me a message in reply to my concern about her illness, but it had been deleted by the time I woke up and tried to read it. I hope she is ok.

Morning,
Just wondering if anybody has heard from Allsorts , she wasn't well yesterday?

Jaffa I know some would say this is not the done thing, but list all the things you have done for her and ask; what more do you want? want more can I do? taking into consideration my poor health. As things are with her, it won't make things worse and just maybe she will sit back and realise how much you have done for her and the children.

OnwardandUpward

SO happy for you @Jaffacake2

You don't deserve that from your daughter. I'm so sorry. I know what it feels like as my son also treats me as his emotional punchbag. I happen to know things aren't going well for him at the moment, but rather than admit it, he has been lashing out again. Now silence (silence is golden after abuse)
I'm going to leave it a few weeks for him to hopefully sort himself out, but with GS's birthday also approaching I will need to talk soon.

Yes I agree with others hang on to the feeling and try to build on it when you can.

Sorry this is happening to you too.
Is there a handbook that our grown children follow with regard to this behaviour?
Is so predictable and so cruel.
Think of your own well-being, silence is indeed golden.
Hopefully things will improve in order for you to sort out GS birthday.
Take care x

SO happy for you @Jaffacake2

You don't deserve that from your daughter. I'm so sorry. I know what it feels like as my son also treats me as his emotional punchbag. I happen to know things aren't going well for him at the moment, but rather than admit it, he has been lashing out again. Now silence (silence is golden after abuse)
I'm going to leave it a few weeks for him to hopefully sort himself out, but with GS's birthday also approaching I will need to talk soon.

Yes I agree with others hang on to the feeling and try to build on it when you can.

That brought tears to my eyes Jaffa. I'm so pleased that you had that lovely chat with your GS xx

Jaffacake2

I have managed to speak with my grandson on facetime. Really surprising that daughter agreed and immediately put him on. He was quite chatty busy building a rocket. I told him that I had been in hospital and that is why I haven't got to see him this summer. Not the full reason but enough for an 8 year old. Also that I no longer can drive and R has taken the car back to Ireland for his granddaughters. Unlike his mother he was very empathetic and hoped to see me soon. Didn't want anything for his birthday but perhaps we could go with mum and sister to Chessington theme park after his birthday sometime. Not sure on that one but will see how it goes.
10 minute chat was lovely but as soon as I put the phone down I cried. Can't believe how awful my daughter has been to me and also if I will be in an able state to go out for the day.
But it is a connection. Would like to try and speak to granddaughter in a few days time. She is 7.
Thank you for all your kind support xx

Oh how wonderful!
To have such a relation with your grandson, hang onto that feeling, and don’t let your daughter sour it.
I feel like crying with you.
Xx

I have managed to speak with my grandson on facetime. Really surprising that daughter agreed and immediately put him on. He was quite chatty busy building a rocket. I told him that I had been in hospital and that is why I haven't got to see him this summer. Not the full reason but enough for an 8 year old. Also that I no longer can drive and R has taken the car back to Ireland for his granddaughters. Unlike his mother he was very empathetic and hoped to see me soon. Didn't want anything for his birthday but perhaps we could go with mum and sister to Chessington theme park after his birthday sometime. Not sure on that one but will see how it goes.
10 minute chat was lovely but as soon as I put the phone down I cried. Can't believe how awful my daughter has been to me and also if I will be in an able state to go out for the day.
But it is a connection. Would like to try and speak to granddaughter in a few days time. She is 7.
Thank you for all your kind support xx

I used to get countless abusive emails from my daughter, and she would spew her abuse aimed at us on social media. Whenever I got angry and pinged an email right back at her she would use that as evidence that I was a terrible mother. Her sisters knew the truth but her mind games resulted in me becoming estranged not only from her but from my sister and most of my side of the family.
That is why I have a low opinion of counselling, imho if is just an adult child like my daughter she will make us out to be worse than war criminals, how can a counsellor, no matter how well qualified understand what has really gone on. If counselling is used I would only ever recommend family counselling with everyone having their say unless there is a real issue with safety.
I really cannot stress enough Jaffa how important to your emotional well-being it is to either not reply to your daughter or as has been said block her. Just got now. And consider sending a birthday gift/money in the post. For many years we have sent vouchers to the grandchildren we never see on their birthdays. Is not great but it’s the best we can do.
Your own health is more important here.

Jaffacake if you don't see your grandson on his birthday I know it will be hard but it's not the end of the world. Like I said I rarely see any of mine on the day so it stretches they birthday out. You have to put yourself first . Do not take any more abuse from your daughter like Babs said you are not her emotional punching bag.

You have enough on your plate with your own health and your daughter's operation coming soon. Your stress levels must be sky high. The more you interact with your daughter the more she will be horrible to you. I made the hard decision last year I am done hoping to ever see my son or grandsons ever again . I do miss him and them even the youngest who I have never met or know his name. But I had to do what was best for me. As parents we always put our children first. With estrangement you have to put yourself first. You are a good mom ,loving and caring . You have a lot to face ahead of you and you need a stress free time to get through all that's coming. And you daughter will need you after her operation especially waiting for the pathology report. Plus your diagnosis if it is MS you will need to get used to the medication you will need plus any physio you will need to help you.

You know me Smiles I won't let my legs spoil my holiday. I look at my life the last 5 years and wonder who is this woman . But when I moved I had decided my life had to change and live not exist. My youngest grandson wanted the loo so took him as even with a step his not tall enough to get on as mine is an ease toilet looks like a normal loo but is higher. I needed the loo so he decided to stay with me then asked me why hadn't I got a penis told him girls and woman don't have one only boys and men. Makes a change from him asking me if it's a wee or poo😁. My daughter says he asks her everyday. Sign he's getting older .

Decluttering is an on going thing here as am getting rid of things I can't use anymore or don't want. That reminds me need some new cutlery as had to put some of mine in the recycling as bits have come off but have been using them since 1980 when we had our first house . Nothing lasts nowadays 🤣.

I suggest you tell her to look in the mirror, where she will see the one who is cruel and unkind. Maybe you should block her Jaffa, tell her you are doing so and why.

I understand that this is going to be more difficult with your GS's birthday coming up but you can send him a card and perhaps a monetary gift .

@smileless
I am like a thing possessed when decluttering but my DH is a hoarder. Is going to be painful for him but he has to let go, he knows this and is trying but I keep wanting to jump in and bag stuff up. 😂

@Jaffa
So sorry. Seems your daughter thinks you are her emotional punch bag when she needs one. Don’t try to rationalise with her right now, she will not receive it well. Have been there. I get what you are going through.
Ignore any nasty emails, she is just baiting you, then when you reply in anger she will feel validated.
Wait a few days then approach again with suggestions for your grandson’s birthday.
Wishing you all the best x

Just trying to work out what to do for my grandsons birthday and have received another nasty text. Basically saying although I have deteriorating health I am a negative person who has been unkind and cruel in every interaction with her over last few years. Can't think what I have done. I have helped her financially when her car broke,looked after kids when she went away with the boyfriend ,now split up, and been on the phone supporting all her emotional dramas.
Can't do this anymore,she is causing me physical harm with the Neuro problems I have. Beyond tears.

Morning everyone.

How frustrating for you Whiff, I hope your legs improve before your holiday and this wont prevent you from making the most of your time in York. I'm sure it wont as you have such a full and busy life, not allowing your health to hold you back.

The art exhibition sounds great. I don't know how you find the time to fit everything in and keep us entertained with your 'rambles' .

You need to do what's best for you Jaffa. If the Laser event is going to be too much which I suspect it will be, then say so and suggest something that you feel comfortable with.

So that was little Joey's one an only experience of an outdoor musical event Yogin. We don't always appreciate how loud those events can be and of course he is only small isn't he.

Glad you enjoyed it and the meal afterwards, we love Thai food too so will have to try out the restaurant that's been recommended to us when we move.

As Whiff found, physically decluttering is mentally and to a certain extent emotionally decluttering too Babs and if you're anything like me, once you're on a roll you'll be hard to stop .

Whiff good luck with your Art Exabition.

Yes Whiff you're right about my son's one brown arm . His contract with Calor has finished till Oct. so, I'm pleased he doesn't have those 15hr shifts to do anymore, and he was in need of a break. He has done a crane course, passed and starts a new job tomorrow, still contractual, but it's so near he can walk there! but the actual work will be somewhere else.

This hot weather isn't good for your legs Whiff maybe when the weather is cooler, they will go down a bit.

Smiles getting nearer to popping that champagne cork, bet you can't wait for Friday.

*doing your level best.