Support and friendship For Those Estranged

Afternoon everyone.

Mr. S. prefers the 'old fashioned' hoses Yoga having once get drenched. Rather you than me with a new mobile, I'm keeping hold of my very basic one because I don't think I could manage with anything more up to date. I can't always manage to answer Mr. S.'s if his rings and he's not here .

Spent the morning packing so have decided to spend the day tomorrow at the new lodge unpacking what's already there. The boxes are beginning to take over so we need to make space and we can bring back the empty ones plus packing material and re use.

Now the glass panels are in place on the decking, we can take the dogs so they'll see their new home for the first time. I have a feeling we're taking more than we'll have room for but if so, we'll just have to hit the charity shops again once we're sorted.

Losing your speech must have been frightening Whiff. I have an ovarian cyst years ago and it was the pain I was in that led to the diagnosis. I had the ovary removed which at the time was major surgery, only to have a total hysterectomy a few years later. If only they'd done that at the time, it would have saved me from surgery for a second time.

Hope you are doing lots of your lovely baking & gardening Whiff take care x

Need to get off and order that hose!

Hope all's going well with your move Smiles

Allsorts I love where I am living now, right by a lovely park and beach. Hate my road though, would love a bungalow in a quiet cul-de-sac, but need a Lottery win to get that!

Bought a new garden hose in Lidle just before I went to Mersea Island. It now has a leak through the material, it's one of the magic ones that grow when you turn the water on. I watered the garden the morning of leaving and got drenched! I did read there is a problem with them and that the old ones are better, but Lidle had one and so I thought I'd give it a try. Watered the plants with a watering can, but grass needs some water too now. B&Q don't do C&C on them, so Amazon again.

JAFFA SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR HEALTH PROBLEMS GETTING WORSE, MUST BE AWFUL FOR YOU. [sorry caps] The sooner you have the op the better. Hope you have a good visit with your DD and that she is doing well.

Haven't been on this week as had a very stressful time...yes, new mobile!! Think I'm up and running smoothly now.

Jaffacake you are not selfish your daughter is the selfish one. Never think you are.

While your other daughter's accident was horrific and frightening but at least they found out about the ovarian cyst as it might had taken her a while before she realised there was something wrong elsewhere. Once removed and tested know what they are dealing with and whether or not she needs follow up treatment. But her gynecologist will cover everything and what course of action they may have to take once opened up and she will be given options. I don't know how old your daughter is or if she has children.

I have to laughed at myself the things that have happened to my body. I didn't know I had an ovarian cyst until my tummy instead of being wobbly went rock hard. Had a cyst on my left ovary which contained 2 litres of fluid. My gynecologist gave me options but told him to take the lot as they would have to use my c section scar. I was 38 and because I couldn't and we didn't want anymore children my husband had the snip 4 years before. But because of my limb jerks I told him they would have to strap my limbs down as I did them in my sleep but after seeing for himself what they did readily agreed to. Glad I decided to have the lot taken away as they found my right ovary covered with little cysts . Because it was my decision to take the lot away including my cervix it helped me recover better. Everything was benign.

My husband went through an awful lot with me it seems so unfair he was the fit healthy one and he got cancer and died. But that's life and why no matter what life throws at us we have to keep going. I don't believe at life at any cost . It's quality of life that counts not quantity as without quality it's not worth living a long life. Only wish when my mom's dementia killed her, her body had died at the same time. Not to save me 4 months of violence but so mom didn't have to suffer the fact she forgot who my dad was. The man who was her one and only true love .

Jaffacake I haven't told you all this to frightened you but to show we can get through estrangement and put ourselves first. You have a daughter who loves you and even though facing an operation yourself which you have said is frightening, your daughter is also facing having one . But the love you have for eachother will get you both through a rocky road to recovery. Even though she lives 200 miles from you that love and caring for eachother means distance doesn't lesson that love or caring . I lived over 100 miles from my children before my move and only saw them every few months for usually only a day. Saw my daughter more as when she had to work in my area she stayed with me . This was before having the children.

Both you and your daughter need to concentrate on yourselves and what you have to face. Your estranged daughter has shown her true colours. And letting go of hope is hard but you have to . Your health comes first so concentrate on that and it's not worth telling your estranged daughter anything about your life and I doubt her sister will either.

As if you got abuse or worse silence it's only going to hurt you more. Time to concentrate on those that love and care for you. And look after yourself. It will put your mind at rest when your friend takes you to see your daughter and put her mind at rest as well. No doubt there will be plenty of laughter and tears but that's love for you.

Yet another ramble. 😱🤦😀

Posted that . Sorry it's long winded as usual. Had another seizure in December . My brother and sister in law where here and Sunday lunch was ready to serve. And realised I was feeling strange and said I had to get to A&E they took me and my daughter met us there. It was funny in a weird way by the time I got to the hospital in full blown seizure and lost my speech again. My brother had to book me in but he said my maiden name then remembered it was wrong and forgot my date of birth but by my address the receptionist found me on their records. I still remember the fear on my brother and sister in law's faces. Luckily my daughter got to the hospital after a hour and reassured them it had happened the same before. They knew about the seizures but seeing what happened shocked them . They stayed with us until my speech came back . Then just went home . They hadn't moved to the bungalow then so had a 3 hour journey back her dad's house they had sold their house and living with him while waiting for completion.

Anyway my daughter told them what I needed but still took hours before they gave me the injection. Then let home . Funny things you remember we had the food I had cooked once we got home as we where both hungry I know it was after 10pm.

Then January 2020 my son took me to my appointment to see my neurologist and as always if one of them took me to an appointment I always had them come in with me so the doctor could ask them questions.
It was my son who took me to St George's London in 2019 before I moved here.

He did love me and cared about me I will never know why and when he stopped caring . Only know what he put in that email in May 2020 and follow up letter August 2020.

Jaffacake when I sent the birthday cards and birth presents for my new grandson in August I had put in a letter just hoping they where all ok and the birth went well. And told him the results of my bubble echocardiogram which he knew I would be having before he sent the email. Everything can back all unopened the day after their birthday ,babies presents crushed and his letter. So he doesn't know I have a hole in the side of my heart.

When I had my diagnosis for my HPX I text him to say I was sending him a copy of my neurologists report and a letter. It was just to tell him how to get tested if he wanted but explained my gene mutation because I had it didn't mean I wasn't a carrier for it. I told him not to sent it back unopened. Never heard a thing no text nothing . He was brought up with a disabled mom I already knew he was a cruel coward after his email and letter but not how callous he was.

I understand how hurt you feel that your daughter doesn't care while she knows just how bad things have got bad for you.

Whiff, what a truly frightening experience. Look how you are now though, you've come such a long way. Hopefully so will you Jaffa with the right help. You will feel so much better as well once your friend takes you to see your daughter and you can hold her. It must be constantly on your mind. He us a true friend.

Allsorts that's the key to living you just have to get on with things. What's the alternative curl up and shut out the world. That's not living and we owe our loved ones who died to live the best life we can. It's not easy it's very hard but we have to live the life they had taken from them. Also we owe it to the people who love and care about us and who we love and care about. We have one life which is full of curves ,bumps and blind alleys but speaking for myself I have never wanted it end until it's my time. Already had my bush with death and am determined to live for as long as I can while I still have my marbles.

Jaffacake your friend from Ireland is a gem . He hope I got that right and it's not a she either way they are there for you and does things for you because he cares and loves you otherwise he wouldn't do what he does .

I know how frightening it is to lose your speech. At least you know why which is a good thing and the way the weeks fly by your appointment will soon be here. I know at one point you said you didn't know if you would have the surgery or not. I think losing your speech has probably made your mind up to have it.

First time it happened to me was September 2019. I had my first seizure. I was used to the limb jerks been having them since 1988. But this was so extreme. My daughter took me to see my GP when the seizure started he wrote a letter to get straight through triage. My daughter says she doesn't know how I managed to walk into the hospital from the car. Bloody mindedness and being stubborn. I didn't realise I lost my speech in my mind I was answering the sister's questions it's only when my daughter started crying and said mom you aren't saying anything that I realised then I cried . It took hours before it came back and it was very stilted and getting a word out at a time it was a struggle. Had to stay in hospital overnight just for them to keep an eye on me. It wasn't until next morning my body was back to it's usual state. I had a seizure again in October took my speech again but knew it would come back. Apart from blood tests in A&E they didn't know how to help me . Let home once it stopped. Each one had lasted 8-10 hours . Not only was it frightening it was very painful and exhausting. Took weeks to feel like my usual self.
November my son popped round after work . My daughter and family where on holiday . He took me shopping and seizure started half way round the shop. So off to A&E again . He had to phone his work at to say he wouldn't be able to work as he hadn't had any sleep. He was and presume still a HGV driver. About midnight saw a doctor but luckily he usually worked at the neurological hospital after watching me for a hour he went to see his consultant and came back with an infection of halprirdol in low dose which would do one of 2 things nothing or stop my seizure but either way it wouldn't hurt me. My speech had come back few hours before so of course said yes. My son had to clamp my arm down to have it. Then taken to a waiting area and the doctor said he would come and see me soon. I didn't realise the seizure was over until my son said mom you have stopped moving . The doctor came and my son told him he saw a difference in me not long after getting to the room. But had to stay longer just to make sure . It was 4.30am when I got home. We where both exhausted as my son had done a 12 hour shift before coming to see me. And he still had a 40 mins drive to get home. He text me to let me know he was home safe . I felt very guilty he had lost a days work but he said he took it as paid holiday.

Morning everyone.

We don't have to stress of buying and selling, just selling is bad enough Allsorts and the weekend's shenanigans brought home to us how much easier it is, doing this together.

You're right that moving doesn't change how we feel about estrangement. We take it with us where ever we go. Our move here was to escape an intolerable situation which we'd endured for 4 years.

This move has nothing to do with being estranged. It isn't about what our ES has done and how he's made us feel, it's all about us. The way we want to spend the rest of our lives together, the kind of life we want; more relaxed and less clutter .

You are not being selfish Jaffacake, you are being realistic and accepting that your D doesn't want you to be a part of her life and are quite rightly putting what energy you do have into putting your's and your DD's needs and welfare first.

I cannot begin to imagine how frightening that sudden loss of speech must have been .

I'm so pleased that your friend from Ireland is coming next week and you'll be able to make the journey to see your DD. It will be a lovely and I'm sure much needed time together for you both.

Have had a very strange week. Since last writing my neurological symptoms are changing. I have had 3 episodes of suddenly losing speech chatting to a friend and then nothing. No words in my head. First time it happened it lasted for about 10 minutes with me just crying in frustration. It's like the plug has been pulled on my brain. Last 2 times have been for a minute. Then I get like a whooshing feeling through my head and everything comes back. My neurologist has explained it is compression at the base of the brain which stops CSF flow. This is where I would be having decompression surgery. Seeing neurosurgeon beginning of August at St George's.
No contact from daughter although she knows I am ill. For once I am accepting that she doesn't want to be in my life. I have stopped trying to rationalise or take any blame for the situation. I do not have the energy to deal with her toxic behaviour. Maybe for the first time in my life I am being selfish.
My other daughter is waiting to see gyneacologist next week to arrange surgery to remove an ovarian tumour which was discovered on scan following a car accident . She was knocked off her bike by a cab and still is in a walking splint due to sprained ligaments on her foot. My friend is coming over from Ireland with his car next week and we will travel to see her200 miles from me. We talk a lot on the phone and she is a real comfort for me.

Smileless, what a few days you've had! But very coordinated teamwork got you through.Now it's behind you and you move forward. For you and Whiff moving helped you along your road and I understand that. In Whiffs case literally saving her life as she got diagnosed and treatment and help. I think it's good sometimes to change where you live but I honestly love my area, so although a smaller property would be good, daft as it sounds it would cost me more to do it. It certainly wouldn't in my case alter how I feel about my estrangement. Just be a different focus for a while
DL it's still early days and you're doing well. I know what you mean when people say you're brave or I couldn't do what you do, we've no alternative but tomdeal with what life throws at us and find our own way forward.

Smiles so glad you got the old lodge emptied but what a awful time you had with the van. But very glad Enterprise where fair and refund some of the money . Hopefully the next van you hire will be in perfect condition..Mr S certainly earned his steak dinner just a pity England didn't win. But at least that's one property out of the way. Hope the shed arrived ok with all the pieces and fixings .

Did you hear if your buyer was happy about the surveyors report and every thing is going smoothly. I know council searches can take forever no idea why as it's all on computer all they have to do is tap a few keys and print the information off it sent it electronically to the solicitors.

Must admit when I was packing up my old house did like the feeling of achievement as the walls became empty and more boxes where packed. And furniture going to charity and my brother and nephew had some things. Funny enough since my brother and sister in law moved they still have a storage unit with things in near them but it contains equipment that will be needed when my sister in laws mobility gets worse. They came in handy for my brother after his hip socket replacement. They had keep all the things the health services had given them when my sister in law had a very bad episode due to her MS. My brother found out that the all things would have been scrapped. Which is ridiculous as everything could have been properly sterilised for someone else to use. So much money in the health service wasted on equipment when it doesn't need to be. I keep hold of my wheelchair it's in the garage it's to big for me as it was specially made as I was over 19st when I first had it. But I know one day I will end up needing it again hopefully not for 15-20 years. But did use it again when I had jaundice as I couldn't walk far.

. Got a full week ahead . Yesterday sit fit class ,today jam making , tomorrow gel printing at the Brain Charity. I just fancied having a go . I am only good at cross stitch can't draw or paint very well. Mind you my grandson does tell me I am getting better at staying within the lines when we colour in. Thursday craft group making ginger biscuits and Seville orange biscuits for it. Friday at my daughter's as my grandson finishes school at lunchtime and it's a work day . He wants to cook with me. No idea what he has in mind. Think I will just collapse the weekend. But not if the weather is ok. Have some more chard to harvest and my tom plants will need attention. But at least I don't have to weed anymore.

Since moving here 5 years next month never been so busy doing things I want and have a home again and happy. Even my son's estrangement hasn't spoilt my move for me. It's what I had needed to do for a long time but couldn't until I had no one dependant on me. It may sound selfish but everything I do now is for me and I never knew how freeing that could feel. I help when I am needed but I have a life again no longer just exist. To be honest I don't think if I hadn't moved I would be alive today. My old GP missed diagnosis my heart condition and the limb jerks and seizures would have caused serious injury. I was lucky to have only got away with my worst injury which caused my leg to ulcerate. No broken bones .

Life has a funny way of still surprising me but in good ways now just because I moved to my bungalow.

Wow, good team work Mr/Mrs S...onwards👍

Morning everyone, did you watch the football? Mr. S. did but I watched a film on Netflix. My nerves had had enough watching the tennis as I was desperate for Alcaraz to win.

Well it was a very stressful weekend. We got the hire van loaded on Saturday and believe me there was a lot on there when Mr. S. noticed one of the rear tyres was looking decidedly flat. Luckily one of our neighbours was able to pump it up, it had dropped from 65 to 25 so when we set off, we were worried we wouldn't make it home.

Then a warning light came on and we had no idea what it was for which increased our stress levels. When we got home,
Mr. S. 'phoned the out of hours number and they sent someone to see what was going on.

The tyre had a temporary repair which should have been sorted with a new tyre and the warning was for some Blue which needed to be added to protect the diesel engine. Mr. S. was told to take it to Kwik Fit for a new tyre on Sunday morning.

Due to the height of the van they couldn't fit the replacement tyre and he had to drive to Halfords to buy the Blue . The plan was to go to the flat first and unload before going on to the new lodge but as we were worried about the slow puncture, he wanted me to stay at home so if the tyre went down again and he couldn't drive it, I could drive through and pick him up.

After working so hard on Saturday, he had to unload everything on his own which I wasn't happy about. All good though and he made it back in good time for a steak dinner and in time to watch the football.

We were supposed to return it tomorrow but took it back this morning which has effectively lost us a day .

The manager at Enterprise was brilliant. Very apologetic and refunded the cost of today's hire, cost of the Blue and the 1/4 tank of fuel we'd put in but didn't use plus £25 for the inconvenience. We'll need to hire another but smaller transit and he gave us his card, telling us to speak to him when we book it so he can give us a better deal.

Despite the problems our old lodge is empty and we can now concentrate on the house, flat and new lodge. Mr. S. has gone through this morning as our new storage shed is being delivered and he has to sign for it, despite being previously told that a signature from someone at reception would be OK.

Hopefully that's the extent of things going wrong but whatever comes our way, we'll get through it together .

Thank you for your kind words but like DiamondLily you just have to get on with things . There are other widows here but I know I am outspoken about how I feel. But I can't talk to my husband and get an answer. And found getting my feeling out helps me hence my rambles . But all I write about on here and other threads are my life experiences and I can't tell my daughter some of the things I talk about plus she has her own family who need her. No matter how old your children get you always want to protect them . I remember years ago long before my estrangement with my son something happened and didn't tell them how I felt he said why didn't you say anything and I said because I was protecting them he said who from I said me . They had their own lives and I never wanted to burden them with my problems . But he didn't understand. Hopefully as my grandson's get older he does understand.

We have one life and as hard as it is we owe it to ourselves and loved ones to live it to the full.

Smiles it's silly but getting excited about yours and Mr S's move. You both must feel a huge sense of achievement your old lodge is now empty . And Mr S looking forward to his shed being delivered . Mr W made his shed his man cave you wouldn't believe what I found when I sorted it out when I sold our old house . 2 old manual lawn mowers which hadn't been used since we moved to that house in 1985. As he brought a big electric one no idea why he kept them. The shed was his when he was alive. Can't say man cave as he had nowhere to sit . But he did have a chair in the garage where his home made wine and beer was. My dad was the same expect it was just his home made wine. Both their excuses was not make sure nothing had gone off.

Smiles you mentioning your shed sparked that memory. That's what I love here people post things and I remember things I hadn't thought about for years .

Bet your dogs are wondering what is happening will all the packing and no doubt trying to see what you are doing and getting in the way.

Spring that's very kind of you but I know I just ramble on . Had 2 of my craft friends here yesterday as they can't come every week as they look after their grandson and nephew. Should say it's a mother and daughter. But we get on like a house on fire. They where here for 5 hours that's how much we talk . I had made 2 gluten free cakes a gingerbread and Seville orange marmalade one. I gave them the left over cakes to take home so I would eat it. Plus 6 jars of preserves . My grandsons potty chair ready for when their little one needs it . My grandsons use the child toilet seat and toddler step . My daughter was having a tidy out of some storage . I had the 2 plastic tower ones ideal for my threads. And asked her if I could offer the Ikea wooden on to the daughter she said if course. She was thrilled with it as it's just plain wood has ideas how to decorate it . It was table top side and very heavy but had 6 drawers ideal for her craft supplies. If she hadn't wanted it I would have offered it to my craft group but asked her first as thought it was just up her street.

They went on a cruise few months ago loved it so much savings to go on another one with Fred Olsen but to Iceland this time. There's ships are smaller and have more things they like to do . Also being smaller ideal for someone in an electric wheelchair. Being on the cruise was ideal for them as they could enjoy different things and the daughter didn't have to worry about her mom . As they live together and she's her mom's carer. But still do things separately at home .

Well better get in the shower having a lazy morning . Have a full week planned this week. Only day I am at home is Tuesday. Never thought my life would get so full.

Take care all 😊

We've had a very busy day and managed to empty our old lodge. Mr. S. has been brilliant, worked so hard and I did what I could but the heavy lifting was mostly down to him.

He's absolutely fabulous and of course I've told him so .

We'll take to the flat what needs to go there tomorrow, and he'll take the rest to the new lodge on Monday and be there when the shed is delivered.

Today was my last time at the old lodge and we realised today that even if we could have had a double there, the new site is a much better place to set up our new home and spend most of our time.

It's such a relief as we've been having to think about 4 properties and now we only have to think about 3. The hire transit has a slow puncture so we're waiting for the AA to come and sort it. The bol for the spag bol is simmering away and when they've been and gone, we'll have a lovely relaxing meal to enjoy.

He'll need to go back to pack and collect the Bowie as we didn't want to risk bringing it back in the already packed out transit in case it got damaged.

Thanks for the support, but it’s not a case of being brave or anything. You plough through the days to get through the nights, and then just do it again. It’s wearing, it’s boring, it’s a low bar thing - your ambitions drop to just trying to find the positives. Whatever they are, and however silly they are.

I love the family, they’re great - but they exhaust me at times. Friends and neighbours have mostly been lovely, but it’s still an effort some days.

But, life goes on, and I try to find the joy of things.

Because there’s no alternative really.

Anyway, hope everyone is having a good day.💐

I agree DL and Whiff you are an inspiration to us all. No one can imagine the depth of grief you have/are experiencing. You have both had really difficult situations to deal with (health/family issues) and yet have shown us all the inner depth of strength you both possess. It is such an encouragement. It’s clear from what you say that there are still tough days, but you have built meaning and purpose into your lives and are still loving and supporting other family members. Thank you so much for all the learned experiences you’ve been willing to share. I think what I’ve especially picked up is that grief is not linear and it is still possible to experience good things in life. Sending big hugs to you both.

I can sense your impatience and excitement in wanting to get settled, but you really have moved quickly and and soon will be comfy again, making new memories.

Morning everyone.

DL and Whiff you're an inspiration to us all with your openness and willingness to talk of your grief and how you've coped .

My dear friend set off for home earlier this morning, this visit being the last time she'll come to this house to stay. We went to our new lodge on Monday so she could see it and took yet more boxes, this time of DVD's and vinyl records.

The stained glass window was replaced yesterday with clear glass and looks really odd making the living room feel soulless; it's amazing how different such a small change can make. The increasing number of bare white walls with nails and screws where pictures and mirrors were hung is increasing my impatience to leave but with so much still to do, I have to be patient.

It's only 3 weeks today since we completed on the new lodge but feels much longer, so it's amazing how much we've already done.

The patio and base for our shed is finished and the shed is being delivered tomorrow so reception will tell the delivery man where to take it. When we know it's there, I'll give my friend a ring whose s.i.l. will hopefully give Mr. S. a hand to assemble it. It's 7' by 7' so is definitely a 'two man job'.

DiamondLily took me a long time to have a life I wanted but I wouldn't not do what I did. My husband died in 2004 my mom was the last to die 2017. Like I have said I existed . I had my wake up call my life had to change when I had jaundice. I started to feel ill apart from my normal health problems 2 weeks after her funeral. I just thought life had caught up with me and my body was telling me to rest. But I carried on thought I had flu it was only when I couldn't get out of bed and had a real struggle decided to call my GP. I was yellow but I couldn't see it . Sounds nuts I know but looking in a mirror couldn't see my skin and eyes where yellow. 5 months of being seriously ill I don't recommend it as a wake up call. But it's what I needed. I have looked after people since I was 11 as I looked after my nan if a weekend when she was ill. But it was normal and I loved my nan.

I had never been frightened living on my own until then. I needed 24/7 care and there was no one . I needed my husband so much which made me feel worse . Took me from 2004 until 2019 when I moved here to live my life to the full. And the time flies by. I am happy at last . Even my son's estrangement hasn't marred that. Though I think it was he's aim.

You need time for you and do what you want it's hard at the moment. But try and think of something you have always wanted to do for you. It doesn't have to be big or expensive . My goals where simple when I moved join a craft group and sit fit class joined both first week I moved here. Still with my original craft group and made true friends and we help eachother in anyway we can and know they are always there . We have a what's app group so those who can't come every week we are still in touch with. On my third and best sit fit class and love it. Like my craft group no matter how ill or our mobility is effected we turn up every week as it always makes us feel better . I am fitter at 66 than I was at 16. But it's the social aspect that's important to. And it's things just for me. I realised moving here putting myself first isn't selfish it's a necessity a thing we loss being parents .

Take your time but do things for you. It will take time and it's hard but I promise you it's worth it . You find you again . I am me not Mr W 's wife then widow ,or just the kids mom or nannie to my grandsons . And found people like me for me .

But I am and will always be married and a mom and nannie but so much more. Took me a long time but I got there. So glad I did. And loving yourself isn't selfish but you have to love yourself to get through what ever life throws at you and your are stronger than you think even when your grief overwhelms you and you want to curl up in a ball and shut the world out. 🌹

Yeah, of course, Whiff - you know what it’s like. 💐

Sometimes, I get flashes of the “old me” - something (on here) has just made me laugh out loud. 😉

I’ll get there - as you have.🙂

DiamondLily that's how I was brought up you just got on with things. My dad always said no such word as can't . Because of my family and where I grew up I didn't realise I was different. Because my extended family and my friends treated me as normal. I was in constant pain and fell but that was me. High school then I knew I was different and got bullied for 5 years.

The only person who knew the real me was my husband and how much I was suffering and suffered. That's why I feel free on GN and my HPX page I can talk about how I feel. That's why I ramble on so much. I couldn't and still can't tell my daughter how I really feel nor could I tell my son before the estrangement.

The other half of ourselves where the only ones who knew the real us and we them. We don't just have to cope with grief but having that one person you could tell anything to and you know they loved you above all else and would never abandon you. That's why I say the minute my husband took his last breath I lost half of myself and haven't been whole since.

I am lonely but only for my husband not because I am on my own. I like living on my own. But had no life until I moved here I live my life to the full I now longer existed like I did. But at 45 what did I know of bone crushing grief. I had never been on holiday or even walked into a pub by myself.

You have many more years with your husband so it's worse. You have so much history together and in a blink of an eye you are on your own. Making a new present and future that's hard. Plus you have all the problems will Miss D to cope with . So you try and push your grief back because you think you have to be the strong one and keep the family together. But you don't I learnt that the hard way and only hurt more.

When you need alone time tell your family you do . I had the advantage my children lived far away from me so we texted and talked on the phone . They couldn't see what I was really like.

You have to put yourself first and that's hard when you are used to putting others first. But for your own piece of mind you have to. There is no magic wand that can make you stop hurting but use that to get through each day . I use the rage and anger of my husband dieing and since my move face everyday and feel happy. When I had people depandant on me then I used it to get me through the next crisis.

Hopefully this makes sense and helps you a bit and anyone else on here who needs it.

Whiff - it’s odd, but I can’t look at photos even now, and sometimes I think he fades from my mind. Then something silly brings it all crashing back. I can talk to people that knew us, in general terms, about events and happy stuff. I can laugh with them about his funny little ways. But, I cannot (and will probably never) talk about how I really feel, in RL.

My grief (in real life scenarios) is a private thing. The thought of counsellors or therapists, who can’t change a thing, (it’s done), fills me with horror.

My family and friends have their lives. I’m not going to emote all over them. Misery, with bereavement, only ever likes it’s own company.😗

Rightly or wrongly, I was bought up with this “get on with it” ethos. We are what’s ingrained in us. So, I bat on finding ways.

But, sometimes, the memories overwhelm, and it’s what it is.

It is exhausting though, as you know. 🙄💐

DiamondLily in my old house I saw my husband's sitting in his armchair everyday and heard him drop both briefcases in the porch before shouting hello Whiff I replied hello Hubs . But as soon as he died I couldn't hear his voice. I haven't got anything with his voice on . So it's just in my mind . I still remember how he phrased things. It is the silliest thing that can be the most upsetting. The children and I decided to clean out the garage and loft a year after my husband died. We moved into our old house in 1985 amongst all the bits of wood ,piping etc that he kept just in case ,found the toilet seat that was on when we moved in and changed from a cheap black plastic one to wooden one the day we moved . Why he keep it I will never know but it was a mix of tears and laughter that he did that.

In the old house I always knew if I had a bad night because I woke up on his side of the bed. Then it would hit me the he wasn't there.

I still reach out in the night for him when I get into bed and went I get up to use the loo in the night. But because he never lived here I don't see him in an armchair as they are identical and don't know which was the one he always sat in. But I see him by the window and always see him by the Christmas tree. Christmas was his favourite time of the year . Still seeing him gives me comfort and never want to not see him.

We all find comfort in our own way. Before my move I used to wear a jumper of his just to feel his arms round me . Nuts I know and it had been washed often. But when I moved I let it go. My husband is always with me but I don't need things now but it has been 20 years. It's very early days for you . And all you have to cope with on top of your grief just makes your grief overwhelming as you need and want him to help you cope.

Jaffacake glad you saw your brother and sister in law and had a good time with them.

Kisses at the end of your daughter's text I can well understand it confusing . When I sold my husband's number plate as he left it to the children in his will this was 2021. My son ignored my brother's email for his bank details. I was hopping mad . So text him at 4am when I knew he would be at work told him if I didn't have his details by 6pm he would not get the money at 9.30am he sent them with Thank you at the end and that upset me greatly that was the only kind word I had in over 4 years. At the time I thought did he mean it or was he playing mind games with me . Then I got mad at him for putting thank you after all the hurtful crap he and my daughter in law had written about me.

Smiles I brought new bedding for my bed but used my old for the spare bed. It was only a few years old plus I had brought a king size duvet for the spare bed even though it's a double. That way my brother doesn't hog it as my sister in law says he does at home..

Glad you feel it's less than home more a house as your home is waiting for you both and that exciting .