Support and friendship For Those Estranged

It gives me courage and strength to hear your thoughts and advice Allsorts. Yes I will keep the contact and yes maybe by text. He actually text me today about something and I did reply. When I say he contacts me for something it isn’t usually for money. The odd time maybe and I always get it back. It’s usually for a lift somewhere or something like that.still think some sort of autism type of thing ( not profound but a kind of mild thing ) maybe ?? as it must be impossible he doesn’t realise or know how his bluntness can hurt people. Awkward at times. Rarely just to say hi. I can’t write some things down as personal and private ( unless there’s a private inbox??? ). Think it goes back 24 years to my divorce maybe ? I’ve racked my brains to think what’s going on ?? Strange and weird and hurt and anxious and fearful all at the same time. I imagine you ladies have felt the same. It’s like a seesaw of emotions. Thank you from my heart I really mean it.

Smileless thank you for your thoughtful and important words. They have struck a chord with me for sure. Thank you

Thank you so much Whiff. You have opened your heart to me. I can’t imagine the pain you must have gone and still are going through. Trauma with a big T. Honestly there is hope each day for us.

Good advice give above Winnie, I wouldn't cut off, be tempted to, just text every so often, lower your expectations. keep the door open. I never hear from one grandson but I text him once a month, rarely get an answer.

Morning everyone.

You could be right about your son being autistic Winnie. Our DS is 41 and I think if he were at school now, he would have registered on the autistic spectrum.

He can find it difficult to understand the emotions and feelings of others and to express himself which despite us being very close, has been a challenge in the past.

If you find conversations strained and uncomfortable, how about sending a text instead. A short message: 'hope you're having a good day' for example which enables you to keep the lines of communication open, while protecting yourself from feeling hurt and/or rejected.

As Whiff has posted, it is awful when you feel you need to protect yourself from your own child. It feels so unnatural and not something you'd ever have thought you'd need to do.

Try and keep hold of the fact that as he's like this with his siblings, this shows that this isn't about you, it's about him. It has nothing to do with how you've been and continue to be as a mum.

It isn't easy getting our thoughts and feelings 'onto paper' as they can come tumbling out of us, so don't worry about how you write them down here.

The only thing that matters is that you feel able to share with us here, because we know from our own experiences how important it is to have this support thread and to know that you are not alone.

Winnie you have done well as a mom . This situation isn't your fault. Your son is an adult . He has made his choice to act the way he does. Don't try making excuses for him by thinking he is autistic. He's 39 if he had any form of autism he would have shown it as a child.

Don't apologise about how you write things down . Have you read any of my rambles I am all over the place . I write as I speak so things get jumbled up . I read back some things I wrote and think who is this person then realise it's me. 🤣.

Your other 2 children and grandchildren love and care about you and contact you regularly. So you are a good mom who has done the best for her children.

You say he only contacts you if he wants something or is ill. Does that mean you give him money or look after when ill? If so don't do it any more .

When I moved here to live closer to my children I was never invited to my son and daughter in law's. My son came every week for 7 months with his 2 sons. They spent hours playing here and my son said they got excited when they realised they where coming to nannies. He told me in February 2020 they where expecting again . Covid hit I last saw my grandson's mid March. We kept in touch and had photos and videos of my grandsons . Last time I saw and spoke to my son was end of April that year. 4 days later he sent me a text telling me he sent an email to me and his sister and not to contact him.He gave me the sack of his mom . He cut our side of the family out of their lives. I have a grandson and don't even know his name or date of birth. Last time I saw his brother's they where 4 & 2. The 3 boys will be 8,6 and 4 this year.

You raise your children the same how they turn out and choices they make as adults it's up to them. I decided last autumn to let go of any hope of ever seeing my son or grandsons again. I wasn't easy but the only person hurting was me. He doesn't care.

You have to decide if you will contact your son again or wait until he contacts you. If he doesn't at least you know where you stand.

What my son has done doesn't hurt me as much as my husband dieing 20 years ago aged 47.

Concentrate on your other children and grandchildren.

My husband and I decided once we had children never to pry into their lives I have stuck to that since he died . Our daughter was 20 and son 16 when their dad died at home with the 3 of us.

My daughter will be 41 soon and my son will be 37 this year.

As Smiles said there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Our children aren't perfect parents . Babies don't come with instructions the only thing we can do is give them unconditional love and attention. Insist good values in them . Once they are adults how they live their lives is up to them.

My parents made mistakes but I would never dream of telling them as it would have hurt them and my brother and me had lots of love and attention.

What our adult children do is cruel and cowardly. What role models for our grandchildren.

I have a very loving and caring daughter,son in law and 2 grandson's. Who is in contact daily and we see eachother regularly. My son in law when he's not working. So I know I am a good mom . My husband and I raised them the same way. I know if my husband had lived our son would never have done what he has. I still love my son but who he was not who he is now. As he is no longer the son I know I am no longer the mom he knew.

It's horrible when you have to protect yourself from your own child. But that's what you have to do. Never doubt yourself and don't let you son make you feel bad .

This support thread saved me but I have never doubted that I am a good mom and always have been.

Told you my rambles are all over the place😁. Keep writing down your thoughts otherwise they will fester in your mind. You are a good mom and nan. You just have to believe it .

Thank you for your lovely supportive and kind words ladies. It made me feel I’m not alone and that means a lot.

My adult son age 39 is not verbally or physically abusive. Quite the opposite. Sometimes I just feel he does not realise how his words can upset me. Could it be a form of autism of some sort ? He is like this with his sister and younger brother too. Few words kind of. Little contact. Sometimes he is quite curt and I feel silly if I say the wrong thing. He doesn’t show much empathy or warmth. It’s a long story but one example is whenever I ask to meet up for coffee or food etc he usually says he’s very busy at work. Now it’s got to the point where I have stopped asking.I feel like I’m playing games which is so not me ! This is kind of a form of self protection as I just can’t take the rejection. Thank you yes I have stepped back a little but it goes against my personality. I usually talk to him approx once every two weeks but it feels uncomfortable and strained at times. I always ask how his work is, what he’s been up to etc. he lives with his girlfriend ( recently ). I have never been to their home and he last visited mine approx two years ago.i feel he only contacts me when he wants something or is ill. He lives approx 30 mins away. I have met up with him and his girlfriend approx one month ago. It was okay. Maybe I need to lower my expectations ?? Sorry this story feels mixed up but I’m just trying to write as I am thinking :-) He never asks how I am , what I’ve been doing etc and this is hurtful and painful for me. I feel like I am making a lot of the conversation. I never say anything as I really think he will say “ what are you on about? ” . Again I am trying to protect my emotions and from feeling silly and rejected. The whole thing does make me feel like I have not done well as a Mum. This is the hardest to take. My other two children contact me more or less every day but again I sometimes feel taken for granted. I have grandchildren ( my daughters ) who are my world.

Hope you all have a lovely evening. Again thank you so much for hearing me :-)

Yogin looked at that but the ones I like would have cost £54 more to buy new. And the ones I have I only brought since I moved here so just under 5 years. So rather have them cleaned . Plus my pillows on my bed are really comfy took me ages to get the combination of the 2 pillows right from all the ones I have .

Glad Joey is nice and cool . It 25° in my living room .

Good advice for Winnie from Smiles and Allsorts as usual.

Morning all

Joey is looking wonderful & cool.

Whiff at £101 to wash your duvet & pillows you could have bought new!

Hi Winnie, Sorry you are feeling so down at the moment. You do all you can for your adult children because you want their lives to be easier and do it out of love, in return they take you for granted. I've been on here a very long time more than 10 years maybe more. Estranged from one child, long story. If you can I would stand back for a while, stop the giving and bring so readily available, just for a while, coukd you go away for a holiday or stay with some one, whatever, clear your head. In the end you will need to clear the air in order to you stop feeling as you do and have a better relationship. You're not estranged and hopefully you won't be, you just need to set the boundries
and let them know how hurt you feel, sweeping things under the caret doesn't work, it does need a calm head and objectives though. When everything is readily available they will go on as they do not realising how you feel. Ask yourself what you do want.
Everyone on here understands, many of us are estranged from one of our children, which is what none of us ever wanted, in the end we had to accept this is how things are and it needs both parties to want it to work, bit like a marriage. People have been on here and happily reconnected with their families.

Afternoon everyone, hope your all enjoying this beautiful weather.

Hello Winnie and a warm welcome to the support thread. You've posted in just the right place and there are plenty of regulars here to offer what support we can.

Yogin and me have been here the longest, both of us estranged 11.5 years ago and all the regulars here will know precisely how you are feeling, because we've all been there.

Every single parent that has ever lived has made mistakes when raising their children because none of us are perfect. Our AC will mistakes as they raise theirs so I suppose they'll just have to hope that their children are more forgiving of them, then they are of us.

We cannot change the past. If your son has spoken to you of anything that he feels is unresolved, all you can do is listen and apologise where appropriate.

It's also necessary for him to do likewise with you. You must be able to talk about his current behaviour in terms of how it makes you feel. Our children are adults and as such need to be reminded if necessary, that in order for relationships to work there must be give and take and a willingness to compromise.

Whiff is right, it is up to you to decide how much you're prepared to tolerate so now is a good time to think about putting some boundaries in place.

If for example he becomes verbally abusive you need to end the conversation, telling him you'll speak to him later when he can do so politely.

I hope that simply posting here will be helpful. It really does help to know that you are not alone and that there are other loving, caring and decent parents who find themselves estranged .

Yogin Joey will feel lovely and cool after his fur cut. Where I live I use a company that collects and deliveries had 7 pillows and a 10.5 tog king size duvet cleaned recently they fetched then late on the Friday afternoon and delivered back on the Monday late afternoon did a brilliant job and got all the marks out cost £101. 50.

Only washed a pillow many years ago and tumble dried it and could never get it back into the original shape. In the end made a waterproof cover for it so my husband could use it to kneel on in the garden.

Do you have a local launderette who washes duvets ?

Morning all, it's going to be Hot,hot,hot

Welcome Winnie Whiff has given you some good advice, so stay with us for some more x

Enjoy your Holidays Whiff & Smiles I'm away on Friday with my DD*GC, so looks like we will all have good weather.

My little dog Joey is going for his pampering hair cut at 2.30pm. Good job as it's going to be so hot this week. He needs clipping every 6 weeks, so I've decided to do him once myself and then the next 6 weeks will be with the groomers. He is just a week over and looking very hairy & hot!

Changed all my bedding, so will be a lighter duvet on, now need to fine a laundrette to wash my winter duvet as it won't fit in my new washerdyer!

Winnie you came to the right thread. First off do not blame yourself your son is an adult and any bad behaviour is down to him not you. He makes his own choices . You would have brought him up with good values and love and attention. What he is doing now is down to him and you aren't to blame.

You will feel down in the dumps which is only natural you are probably wondering whatever you did to be treated badly. The answer is nothing . He has made his choice. Now you have to decide how much and for how long you will tolerate his attitude towards you.

When our children are growing up they have rules to follow and bad behaviour was followed by consequences eg not watching the TV,being ground etc.

You have some hard thinking to do and decide how much more of his behaviour you will tolerate before you fight back.

Did you mean you have 3 children who you help financially and emotionally? I know you are upset writing your post but unclear what you mean ?

Don't stop writing here as writing it down helps and on the support thread we understand what you are going through and will help in anyway we can . The support thread has been a lifeline for me since 2020 but others here it's been 11+ years since their estrangement from adult children,child or and grandchildren.

But it's not a doom and gloom thread but know you will never be judged but only received help,advice , support, understanding and most importantly of all friendship.

Bridie looking forward to it already and thinking about next years holiday.

Have a lovely relaxing holiday Smiles, come back calm and refreshed to move on to the next chapter of life.
DL, I hope that everything is sorted for you come July, these things drag on and on don't they?
Morning Whiff, take care and hope you enjoy your next holiday.
Hello Winnie, I'm sorry to hear your story, I'm sure our support team will be along to help.

Apologies if my post is in the wrong place as this is the first time I have been on here :-)

Hi

Feeling quite low in my mood ( not suicidal low just down in the dumps ) as don’t rate myself as a Mum. Teetering on the edge of becoming estranged with my AC son but can’t express how I feel to him and how hurtful his actions and behaviour are towards me. Feel I’m being taken a lend of by my three AC financially and emotionally. Sometimes don’t feel valued or loved. Asking myself where did I go wrong ? Feel like I’ve made so many mistakes. How do I cope with these feelings ? How do I change things ? Sorry to offload and feel sorry for myself just wanted to put it down on paper what’s in my head. No negative responses please as at the minute as I have enough to cope with. Thank you.

Hi

Have a wonderful holiday Smiles. I found decluttering when I moved decluttered my mind and got rid of things I had held on for to long. Letting them go I felt it very freeing . And let go of house and the my life as I was just excising not living since my husband died.

Moving as I have said before gave me a life and I found me again plus better healthcare and wonderful neighbours. Have more friends than I ever had ones I can count on. Having my daughter and family close by is lovely but I am very independent. Moving cost me my son and grandsons as my daughter doesn't like me living 40 mins away in a car instead of 3-3.5 hours . But that is the only negative have far more positives and I am happy . In my old house as it was just a house the moment my husband took his last breath as he was my home . But here I have a home again. I never want to go back to where I lived. My best friend goes back since her husband died to see old friends . We came from within a few miles of eachother . But I don't even want to go back to see my nephew and 2 nieces . That's how much I hated it there. Before my husband died I was happy but not after. I wanted to move a year after he died but couldn't as my dad's health declined and I couldn't leave them .

Others here and on other threads have done the same put others first but we pay a high price healthwise both physically and mentally. But I would do it all again you have to live with you conscious and the person you are.

Hope you all have got the sunshine. I put in some new stake lights yesterday and was looking forward to seeing them on. But they didn't come on. I hadn't read the box properly and removed the bit of paper from the battery so did it while my breakfast was cooking . Hopefully have a nice show tonight.

Having a brain foggy day and time has just slipped away. Better get some lunch. Take care everyone and don't forget the suntan cream. And DiamondLily just enjoy being with your family and ignore your ex.

That's a good and positive point Iam .

Morning everyone.

What a blow for you all DL. Surely the mother refusing to co-operate with psychiatric evaluations and a drug test says it all!!!

You must be emotionally exhausted and frustrated in equal measure. Hopefully the end of July will see an end to this nightmare situation .

Allsorts is spot on: you divorced for a reason. Do what you feel comfortable with, he did. Don't lose sight of the fact that you're also entitled to a quiet life.

You've lost your wonderful husband, had the heart break of seeing his health decline as well as witnessing the callous and cruel treatment he received from his own children. You need the time and space to process all of this and he needs to remind himself that he's your ex for a reason.

We completed on our new lodge on Friday and took the first of the packed boxes through. It was a beautiful day and if we could have just stayed there.

Getting ready to set off on our holiday this morning and I was thinking that it would be better if we weren't going away, so could carry on packing here. This morning though I'm really looking forward to it.

Everything's happened so quickly we need this coming week to catch our breath and calm down. I had a small panic attack yesterday which happens when the enormity of the practicalities overwhelms me. It reinforces to both of us that this is the right decision, at the right time and had we waited, we may never have done this.

When we get back we'll contact our buyers to see if there's any furniture they want and then we'll get in touch with the auction house and arrange for them to come and collect; that was
Mr. S.'s brilliant idea.

We'll then have a much clearer picture of what will need to go to charity, excluding of course what we're giving to my friend's brother and having a lot less in the house, will hopefully clear some of the clutter in my mind.

The forecast for the coming week is pretty good with a few showers toward the end so lots to look forward too including Mr. S's. BBQ's.

DiamondLily - delays are so stressful but it seems the Judge wants belt n braces to ensure no appeals possible

DL, sorry the sorry saga continues. Just who are the JW supporting? The father of this little girl is so young himself to have to go through all this, he just wants what best for baby. This should go in your favour though, her not complying with the Courts requests and her volatile behaviour are not whats needed to bring up a child until she gets treatment. As for your ex husband, you divorced for a reason. Do what you feel comfortable with, he did.

Aren't not are🤦

DiamondLily I am sorry the saga continues. But surely as a judge has ordered Miss D to do these things it can be enforced by law. But thank goodness the Jehovah's witnesses are having their way.

Why can't your ex leave you alone. He knows you are grieving for your the love of your life your darling Mr DL . Hopefully you can ignore him and just enjoy being with your family.
🤗