Support and friendship For Those Estranged

That brought a tear to my eye Smiles, I'm glad you got your hug and not seeing your son for a year, it was the right thing to do, I'm sure your son enjoyed it as much as you did. I am definitely more mindful of what I say now, after the estrangement, I am definitely a different person, not so sure of myself.

Sorry to hear that Allsorts regarding your other AC, it's so thoughtless of them not to give you a little of their time when it would mean a lot to you, as you say, they just can't be bothered! I'm lucky I have a very thoughtful DD and my son, who lives with me, is very pleasant. I'm the same as you Allsorts, I love singing along to the radio, especially Tony Blackburn's 'Sounds of the 60s', but I don't think Smiles would be too happy if I was singing along next to her

Sorry Whiff I didn't realise there was another page to read, making a coffee and I'll be back.

Morning all

Bit of a dull morning, I had earmarked this afternoon for some gardening but it's forecast to rain happens every time! My poor Hosta is being eaten up by the blooming slugs, even though I have wrapped copper mesh all around the plant, I may have to lift it and put it in a pot and keep it in that.

I'm pleased with my new bird feeder, taken down the other one. The pigeons are still managing to get their breakfast, by balancing on a near branch or balancing on the top of the original mushroom feeder, it's quite amusing to see and I don't feel so bad about depriving them of their breakfast, hopefully most of the pigeons will goes elsewhere now.

DL It's a shame the visit has clashed with your first anniversaries of your DH, but then it's not allowing you to sit on your own feeling sad. Good job on working on your son & his dad's relationship and yes stand back from your ex now as he may be getting a few ideas you wouldn't want

Smiles I hope your singing in church went off well. Putting the commas in the correct place is a tricky one, no doubt you look at my posts and say she put the comma in the wrong place again! and missed one out there!

Where's Whiff?

It’s so difficult though, I know some of you are further down the road than me. I can’t imagine getting to the stage where I can get past the hoping that she will come back.
My life is full with work, friends, family.

At the moment I don’t particularly like my daughter, feel awful saying that. That’s part of why I feel so low.
Sometimes I think that even if she did make steps to reconnect would I want to. Where does it end, her expectation of me and her ability to be so manipulative.

Makes me doubt my ability as a person, how have I raised a child who is able to tell me that if I didn’t stop something happening (conscious of putting much here in case of outing) that would mean I don’t care for her and that would be the end of our relationship.

I know you speak wisely Allsorts/ Whiff and I'm getting there, as we all know somedays.
are hard, especially birthdays or a special memory pops up.

Whiff last paragraph says it all. We should be ourselves to do otherwise is just giving in to their control. I have accepted a lot of it in my time as I always thought I was at fault. I know different now.

Bridie sorry you feel you can't be yourself for fear of another estrangement. Adult children shouldn't make you feel like that it's so wrong . Bet they don't censor what they say and done. I am just me as my memory is shocking at times and don't tell lies as I can never remember plus it shows on my face . My husband and children's favourite game was let's see if mom can tell a lie. Lucky when I filled in for my husband's secretary and he didn't want to speak to certain clients I would have to tell them he was out on site. Thank goodness there wasn't video phones. I hated doing it . And had to make myself a note of who I had told he was out incase they phoned back. 🤦 .

Bridie like DL says full your life with people who love and care for you. Not what ifs or if onlies as that's not living. The past is gone . Live the life you want now and for the future.

Have to go compost arrived and painter.

Morning all going to be a hot one . Had to do this a page at a time.

Bluesky hope you went for your stomp and didn't get to hot. Glad you are staying with your partner plenty of cuddles and good times .

Allsorts you are never unreasonable and I could give you son a good shake and a wake up call. All you did for both your children after your first marriage they have forgot. All your hard work ,working long hours so they didn't miss out. And the help you have given to both of them they just took and I will never understand why your son is distancing himself from you . It's not as if he gives you much of his time as it is. He should be grateful he has a mom that loves and cares for him. 🤬.

Smiles my daughter told me she would never do what her brother has and my son in law said the same. When the email arrived I saw him not long after and he said something was wrong for years but wouldn't say anything to hurt me. And that's the difference between tye couples my daughter married a man that treats me like his mom and feels protective towards me . My son married a woman that is jealous of my relationship with him. Which I will never understand I am his mom not lover. Plus she knows and has seen all the crap my mother in law put me and both couples through. Sadly I realised last year my son and daughter in law have turned into my in laws. But unlike me and my husband we never gave up on them as my husband loved his parents but didn't like them . It's only because of him I looked after his mom for 11 years after he died even though I hated that woman for 40 years. But she was family and I wasn't brought up to turn your back on family . Neither where our children. Unfortunately my son forgot that lesson. I loved my daughter in law like a daughter. And she showed me great kindnesses over the years but I wonder if it was fake . Once her own mother came back to this country and lives with them be 9 years now . I was no longer needed . Unlike her parents I have never abandoned anyone as it's cruel.

But deciding to give my son one final chance last year I am done. And I am happy I made that decision. No more expectations things will change .

Smiles glad you concert went well. Never be anyone other than yourself and that goes for Mr S. You are a hugger and kisser like me. And I won't change for anyone . Growing up the only person I didn't hug or kiss was dad's stepmom because of what she did to him and his siblings. But his youngest half sibling was a great hugger and kisser he had downs . He was 8 years older than me but when I was 8 and my brother 7 we used to take him to the shop to buy his comic and sweets. He was at a charity workshop and they gave them a bit of money which he called his wages. Not safe for children that age to go out alone . And don't think social services would be happy a 8 and 7 year old being responsible for a 16 year old with downs . A less suspicious time .

Awh that brought the goosebumps up Smiles 🙂

Pleased the singing was a success Smiles👍
It's helpful to have such caring support, thank you all 💐

Well I'm back and it went well; very well actually . What a relief.

As much as we miss our ES and not being able to be GP's to our GC, I'm often reminded when I see posts on various threads on GN, how lucky we are not to have worry about everything we say and do.

As you say DL life is better when those in it enhance your life.

If I was loved and good enough as me then, why not now a question we've all asked ourselves Bridie but none of us have ever had an answer.

Thinking before we speak, feeling anxious and feeling that we can no longer be ourselves is I think something we are all burdened with because we've been estranged.

The first time we went to Aus. I was worried that my natural inclination to hug our DS would be viewed negatively by his wife (they are now divorced).

I worried about it for weeks before we went, because I know the real issue with ES's wife was our closeness to him, mine in particular.

But when I saw him in the arrivals lounge, I ran toward him with my arms open and that embrace was so wonderful, having not seen him for more than a year.

I realised that to stifle the wrong 'me' would have been wrong for both of us. Those tears of joy when we arrived and tears of sorrow when it was time to leave.

So be you Bridie, because being true to yourself is all that matters .

Allsorts it’s difficult to separate the reason for how we feel sometimes. Have you spoken to your son about how you are feeling?
Be kind to yourself

Bridie22

You are so right DL, I do appreciate so much those who care for the real me.
Maybe I've just served my purpose to others.🥴

Yes, life is better when those in it enhance your life.

But, it must be much more difficult when it’s your own ACs - with me, it was easy to shunt the negative Nellie’s out of my life, because I had no real feeling towards them.

Do what makes you happy. 💐

You are so right DL, I do appreciate so much those who care for the real me.
Maybe I've just served my purpose to others.🥴

Bridie22

Thanks DL, hoping I'm reaching that stage pretty soon!
If I was loved and good enough as me then, why not now, life's sweet mysteries.

Exactly. Some younger people (not all) seem to take life, oh so seriously. They can’t laugh at themselves, (essential!) and they want everything and everyone to be perfect, in their eyes.. Well, life ain’t like that.

My step kids were just self obsessed, they wanted a lot of cash handouts, but couldn’t give an inch on anything else.

My ex is just a pillock really. He has always had some sort of strange inferiority complex, but instead of sorting out that, he lived trying to make others (especially me!) become full of self doubt. No chance lol but, I did try to help him. I divorced him so he didn’t have me to contend with.😷

But, well over 20 years on, he’s still the same.

But, my life is full of people that love and accept me as I am (as I do them).

Life’s too short for all this angst.

Good luck.🙂

Thanks DL, hoping I'm reaching that stage pretty soon!
If I was loved and good enough as me then, why not now, life's sweet mysteries.

Bridie22

I worked hard, career, marriage, children and joyous grandchildren, i did all that as me, now I overthink before I speak, feel anxious that I might inadvertently cause upset and lose another loved one...I can no longer it seems be me, does that resonate with you Allsorts?
I'm sorry you are feeling this way, as Smileless points out maybe there isn't a problem, you are just feeling the fear of more estrangement. 💐

Yes, it’s difficult when you have to think about everything you say.

I did it for years with my adult step-kids, (for the sake of DH), and I’ve recently had to do it with my ex. It’s not a natural way to be, and, quite honestly, you end up feeling stressed and losing your sense of self.

I have resolved both, in different ways, but quite honestly, I feel I’m past the age where I want to pander to tantrums, sulks and fallouts.🙄

Keep well. 💐

Allsorts - it might be just how you’re feeling. When we’re feeling down and unsure, we can sometimes overreact, mentally. We all do it sometimes.

If you really think there is a problem building, you could sit down with them, and ask them quietly if there is a problem.

If there is, then you can discuss it. If there’s not, you could just tell them you’re feeling a bit low and under the weather.

Hope you resolve it. 💐

I worked hard, career, marriage, children and joyous grandchildren, i did all that as me, now I overthink before I speak, feel anxious that I might inadvertently cause upset and lose another loved one...I can no longer it seems be me, does that resonate with you Allsorts?
I'm sorry you are feeling this way, as Smileless points out maybe there isn't a problem, you are just feeling the fear of more estrangement. 💐

Allsorts I'm so sorry.

Are you feeling down because of this, or were you feeling down anyway? If the former, you could be seeing something that isn't there.

It's understandable when you've been estranged by one child, to have the underlying anxiety that this could happen again. We went through a time when we thought DS would estrange us too; it was too awful to put into words.

He must have been aware because when we went to visit him in Aus. he told me he would never do that to us because he's not like his brother. I told him what we'd been fearful that he would, so he gave me a big hug and said 'no mum; never'.

Just as I can't put into words how worried we were, I can't put into words how relieved I was in that moment x.

Good luck with the concert Smileless, sure you wont need it though. Wish I could sing in tune, I do sing all tge time but no one’s listening so I’m ok.
I fear my other child is distancing, he doesn’t want the bother of me. I can’t visit them and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife when I tried that, never invited. I’m not feeling part of family at the moment, perhaps it’s depression and I’m unreasonable, I don’t know.

Just a thought smileless

Thanks, just checked the weather, set to be sunny all day so going to take a picnic too.

Hope tomorrow’s singing goes ok.

That sounds like a good idea Bluesky but I wouldn't know where to start; thanks anyway.

I'm glad you're staying at your partner's so your mind can focus on other things. Enjoy tomorrow's stomp; I don't think the forecast is too bad.

Evening all. Do you know the name of the piece of music? Can you take a photo of the sheet music and do a reverse google image search smileless? I don’t know how the reverse image search works but someone more techy than me might do?

Hope everyone has had a good day.

Staying at my partners for the weekend which is a lovely distraction. Hoping the weather is good tomorrow so we can go for a stomp!