Support and friendship For Those Estranged

@Smileless please do keep fingers crossed, for though we are trying to be blasé about the bungalow we saw we are already thinking of putting in an offer. So much natural light. Really hate properties where when viewing the internal lights need to be on during the day because there is so little natural light.
Still, is early doors.
Hope your completion goes through soon. Always last minute snags.
Xx

Evening everyone, I hope you've all had a good day.

Your D really puts you through it doesn't she Jaffa .

If she was being honest with her children she would have told them that you have health problems and that is why you wont be seeing as much of them as they, and you would like.

It never ceases to amaze how an abusive AC, making false allegations too and about their parent(s) can so blatantly use their own children which is in itself abuse.

I'm so sorry that your meeting with your D was traumatic but so proud of you for telling her how her behaviour has impacted on you; your physical and mental well being. I just hope that whatever happens you've been strengthened by doing so .

DL, Whiff, Allsorts and Bridie in fact every single one of us us saying the same thing, that you must put your own welfare first and it's good to see that you can see this too.
As Babs has said, it can't have been easy for her sister to have contacted Age concern because she's worried about how your D is treating you.

I was so concerned about the conditions my mother was living in about a year before she died that I contacted adult social services. My brother never spoke to me again, even getting one of my cousins to 'phone me to tell me she died.

What your D did took courage and that courage was fed by the love she has for you.

Keeping everything crossed for you Babs especially as you've found somewhere that you clearly excited about, even though you don't want to be.

Even when it goes smoothly, it's stressful. It doesn't look as if we'll complete Friday as we've heard nothing so hoping it will be the following Friday; 11th October.

I'm glad that you you're glad you spoke to your Sparkly. Being able to tell him something you couldn't talk about 6 months ago shows that you are growing in strength and confidence which can only serve you well moving forward.

Well done .

Thanks Jaffa.
Take care xx

Babs hope you have a lovely time in Bath one of my favourite places. My youngest daughter and had a " mother hen weekend " there just before her wedding. We swam in the top floor spa open air which overlooks Bath Abbey and tea in the Jane Austen museum with Mr Darcy. Such a fun time.

@Whiff been married 45 years, so no you didn't put your foot in it, and hey I am from the North West orginally, a little place called Accrington, and as you know up there we don't take offence easily, we're a tough but friendly breed.
Glad you moved up there.
And yes, we went to hell and back with our eldest daughter, but was many years ago, and having a breadown was horrible but I feel more for what I put the whole family through at that time. Now it is over 10 years later and we have found peace and calm, with 3 lovely GCs we do see.
Tomorrow are off to Bath for a few days, weather could be wet but are not bothered, just being in a nice hotel and going out for meals will be nice.
Thanks for caring xx

Jaffacake in America it's called elder abuse.

It shows how much you daughter loves you and is worried about what her sister is doing to you. Even with her own worries about the accident and finding out she needs the operation she is looking out for you .
Love like that is so precious .

It still amazes me we brought our children up the same they never lacked for love or attention even after their dad died . And I was torn between them and looking after my parents and mother in law. But I put the older ones first.

Children understood but they had left home and living their own lives. With their partners who later became their spouses . I had a loving and caring son for 32 years no idea when he stopped loving me or caring where he lived or died. And it hurt so much . But not anymore. If I keep the feeling of being hurt then he won . So I had to stop being hurt and feel happier for a year now .

I have my kind and loving daughter ,son in law and 2 grandson's in my life and I am lucky to have them . I know they will never turn their backs on me . But I also know I will never be a burden to them . I never want her to go through what I did and what it cost me physically and mentally .

Babs I am sorry what your have both been through . And your own child causing you to have a breakdown and lose your job is so horrible . I don't know what to say . Sorry sounds so feeble . Just wish I could give you a hug. Thank goodness for your husband to hold you and you him..

Just had a horrible thought you are
married or have a partner and I haven't put my foot in it and you aren't on your own.

Better shut up incase I make things worse.

@Jaffa
What a lovely daughter your other daughter is, and please listen to her, you know she is right because this is her own sister she is talking about, that can't be easy for her.
Our other daughters were the same, they kept telling us to stop seeing their sister because she was abusing us and we were just enbabling her.
She may have bit her lip today but do you suppose this will last based on previous behaviour?
So glad to hear you had that chat with the GCs, and don't spend another second believing you have neglected them in some way. It isn't true.
Wishing you all the best xx

Thank you all for your comments. It is very helpful hearing from others who have been estranged and treated cruelly by their own adult children.
R and I went and watched the kids roller skating at an indoor rink. My daughter stayed for a while and arranged for a chair so I could watch them rather than sitting on low benches. She talked about their progress at school,cubs,swimming like nothing had happened yesterday,how she yelled at me for being an unsupportive mother. She left and we took them out for pizza. They are 9 and 7.
The kids were lovely and I try to explain how I hadn't seen them this summer as I had been in hospital. I told them that the nerves from the brain to my right leg aren't working properly. They were very sweet and said they would look after me. More empathy and kindness from children than from their mother. We went into the playpark then she arrived to take them home. As though nothing has happened.
I spoke to my other daughter later and was surprised to be told that she had sought advice from Age concern about me being emotionally abused by her sister. They apparently took it seriously and advised to phone the police if it continued.
I thought how I have normalised her abuse over the years excusing it for her being under stress. But it is abuse and I wouldn't take it from anyone else.
I will carry on trying to see the grandchildren but keep their mother at arms length
Thank you again. Take care ❤

I have lost 2 grandchildren, the last time I saw them they were small children, now they are both teenagers. As babies I did everything for them. If it wasn’t for a cousin who took pics on her phone we wouldn’t know what they look like. Undoubtedly they will have no memory of us or only very vague ones. I don’t even know if the presents and cards we have been sending them all these were ever given to them. It hurts, that doesn’t go away, but if we hadn’t stopped the abuse by pulling away it would have completely broken us, I suffered a breakdown that cost me my job anyway.
Sometimes we have to make heartbreaking decisions or live with what can be intolerable circumstances that affects our well being.
Thanks for your input Whiff.
Xx

Jaffacake sorry to say but you will never have a good relationship with your daughter and she will use the children as tools against you . How old are they ? My grandsons the 4 I know always knew nannie was disabled and altered how we play when I wasn't feeling well.

But my son's boys will have forgotten me by now . My son dumped me when he knew they found a problem with my heart and waiting further tests . If he had opened his card etc he would have found out I have a hole in the side of it. But he or I suspect my daughter in law had a hissy fit and crushed the babies presents before everything was sent back unopened and his final letter.

I finally had my diagnosis of my neurological condition 1st April 2022. Once I had the letter confirming the diagnosis. I sent me son a text telling him I was sending my diagnosis and how to get tested if he wanted . I send don't sent it back unopened. Never heard a thing not even at least you know what's wrong or thanks for letting me know. He's lack of caring hurt .

I have always been on a hands on mom . When they where young and the limb jerks started I couldn't go out by myself and went in a wheelchair as my husband would never leave me at home. He said we will be a normal family. The children never missed out on anything . I always attended things at school plays etc . Only thing I couldn't do was ever take the to and from school. Our daughter was 4 and son 6 months when the pain got worse and the limb jerks started. My mom and mother in law took the kids to school they took it in turns. Until my daughter started high school and she said to us she would take him to school so we let her. My mother in law never came again .Only time she would visit is when my husband fetched her. Where my mom came on the bus both ways . They only lived 2 streets away from eachother.

My mother in law weny on the buses all the time but refused to travel to see her grandchildren. But then again she took against her granddaughter from when she was a baby and was all her brother until he got his own personality.

My daughter's boys know without telling if I don't feel as usual they are 6.5 and nearly 4. The oldest remembers when I had the limb jerks as he asked me why I don't do this anymore and moved his arms and legs then said it was funny.. But thanks to my neurologist Clonazepam stopped them and the seizures so his brother hasn't seen nannies funny arms and legs .

As usual gone off subject but it's how my mind works 🤦

You can not dance to your daughter's turn . Her mental health problems are her own . Nothing to do with you.

You have to concentrate on your own health and that of your other daughter . Has she had a date for her operation? Physical health can impact on mental health and vise versa. The last thing you need is any more stress in your life . You have enough worry about your health and your daughter's .

I know you don't want to lose your grandchildren . I have lost 3. But may end up losing them your daughter will use them as weapons against you . Never have a face to face meeting with her again it won't achieve anything . It will only stress you out more and your health will suffer. You don't need counselling that doesn't achieve anything . You say she is seeing a therapist but it doesn't seem to be helping her, only giving her more ammunition to hurt you with.

You will have to decide soon what is more important your health and that of your other daughter . Or putting up with your daughter for the sake of your grandchildren.

I had to make the hard decision a year ago to stop hoping to ever see my son and 3 grandson's ever again . And feel happier making that decision. Once I decide on something I stick to it.

You have some hard thinking to do and talk to your friend from Ireland. But make sure no one ever tells your daughter anything about you or your health .If she really cared she would ask you.

Try and enjoy the time with your grandchildren. They are innocent in all off this.

Like all of us our grandchildren have been taken away from us, or used as weapons do as I say or else.

Jaffacake2, As stated by others, time to put your health and peace first until you feel more able to cope.
Take care of yourself.

@Jaffa
I think family therapy where all sides are heard can be helpful but not when is just an AC, a lot of what she is saying re - not being heard could be coming from these sessions. And this just adds to her feeling like a victim.
Please don’t feel that your GCs feel rejected, as parents we carry so much blame and guilt. But where are feelings of blame or guilt over treating you so badly?
Sounds like this is making you feel worse physically. Put your own health first right now.
So sorry you feel like this, we have been there, but believe me you must stop with the blame.
Xx

Thank you for your comments.
Yes unfortunately she wanted to be the victim and blame me for her mental health state. She has been seeing a therapist which I don't think has helped her. She keeps saying she has never been heard in her life. She has had so much support from me over the decades which is not aknowledged.
Not looking forward to seeing her today but do want to spend time with the kids. She says my neglect this year has impacted them. I need to talk to them about being in hospital and now unable to drive. I don't like the thought they feel rejected. Certainly won't give the other reason that their mother has distanced herself from me.
Physically all over the place today,dropped a cup of coffee, struggled on the stairs and fell over putting pants on ! Not great

@Jaffa
She wants resolution but on her terms with you cast as the villain and herself the victim.
There is no wanting to even meet in the middle here so is not a step forwards sadly.
This inability to see anything wrong with her own behaviour reminds me so much of my own estranged daughter. Some call it narcissistic, I just think it is extremely selfish and spiteful.
As others have said, as your daughter she should be there for you and your other daughter right now.
Would not agree to any other reconciliation attempts right now, and am hoping the friends involved are not pressuring you both to do this. And carry on seeing the GCs.
A reconciliation isn’t a chance for an AC to simply have a go at the parent and expect that to be it.
Take care of yourself xx

Jaffa, your daughter should be supporting you. I agree with all DL has said.
Concentrate on getting better, you don't need this stress. At this point in time she is just adding to it. What she is doing to you is abuse. Sooner shes off the better,

If you’re unwell, then she should be supporting you - it’s what people should do with loved ones.🤷‍♀️

For now, you’re probably best just concentrating on your health - neurological conditions can bring all sorts of things in their wake - and stress most certainly does make them worse. As I know…🙄

Abuse from anyone is that last thing you need.

Best wishes. 💐

Traumatic meeting with eldest daughter yesterday. She wanted to talk situation through with her friend there and my friend who is over from Ireland. They came to my home.
She told me how she feels unsupported by me over past year and how unkind I have been. I think she thought I would sit there passively and apologetic. She was shocked that I wasnt. After 4 months of being ill with neurological condition and stay in hospital I told her how I felt about her nasty behaviour sending me unpleasant texts and not coming to see me.
It was very difficult 2 hours and I was exhausted by the end.
Nothing resolved. Maybe me feeling that I don't want a relationship with her. I know she wouldn't ever be there for me in old age and could be abusive.
Today we are taking kids to a leisure centre where they do roller skating an hour whilst we watch. Then we are taking them for pizza. This is without my daughter. Going to be upsetting seeing her again after all that was said yesterday but I do want to see the grandchildren.
Am due repeat brain and spine MRIs in 3 days as condition not improving. I think stress has made it worse as balance seems worse than last month with foot drop on right side.

Feeling quite depressed about the whole property malarky smileless but am holding onto your experience of moving.
We have now seen another lovely bungalow right near the South Downs, with fantastic views, lovely walks round there but am not getting excited, will see.
Take care xx

The scourge of missing words strikes again!
Apologies x

Glad you are going to show pics of your exhibition Whiff. Looking forward to, and am pretty sure your daughter and grandsons are going to be very impressed. Good to know your grandsons know all about their grandad, my old dad died when my eldest was just 5 months old and never knew the other three. But I told them all about their grandad, and now they have photos of him in their homes so that their children will see him and get to know him. He was a star.
As am sure your DH was. Definitely people worth knowing.

Good to hear from you Allsorts thanks for kind words.
We don't talk about our estranged daughter to others, quite simply is none of their business, and have perfected an art, once someone does ask about I just say we don't really see her then promptly turn the conversation back onto the other person, is surprising how most people prefer to talk about themselves anyway so that definitely works to our advantage.
Take care xx

Sparkly Grandma, I wonder why your ED is trying to cause trouble after so long. I wouldn't think a GP would discuss your position, neither should your Priest. You know the truth, thats the most important thing, you have many years hopefully in front of you so try not to let this get to you. Lots of things to do and people to meet. She can’t have an easy conscience if she has to try to justify herself by gossiping about you, it’s very unpleasant and disloyal of her. I let my d go, still loving her, she cut me off, thats her decision not mine. I don't criticise her in fact don't mention her to people. I have become adept at not hearing some questions, makes life easier.
Whiff I talked to my gc about their grandad, told them little anecdotes about him, his picture is on display.
Babs as you said, now enjoying the calm. You deserve it.

SparklyGrandma that's a lovely greeting.
I am glad you got everything off your chest . What was the priests face like when you told him ? I am assuming you mean catholic priest . I just hope he didn't say god will forgive them.

There is no forgetting or forgiving what our children put us through. And what yours have put you is horrible . I am more thankful I have gotten silence the more I read what some parents go through. I think I got off lightly.

If my son has told my grandsons and others I choose not to have anything then that's his choice . But one day I am sure my grandsons will be question their parents about me especially if they want to know about their family history.

I don't remember if I said a while ago I had my daughter's eldest for the day. Over lunch he was telling me the names of my parents and saying they where mommy's nannie and grandad and his great nannie and grandad . He said my brother and sister in law are mommy's uncle and auntie and his great uncle and great auntie. Then I said about my husband and his mommy's daddy was his grandad even though he died. My heart broke as he turned his face and cried . So I said I was sorry to upset him and we cuddled.

I thought I had put my foot in it and when my daughter came for him I told her what happened and she said it was find he knew and they had looked at picture of dad and she had told both boys about him .

I hope my son has told his boys about his dad.

Smiles glad you didn't have any damage from falling trees . You picked the right lodge to live in. The trees here are changing colour . I do love the autumn . I planted my garden for all year round colour. Bet you planted your for it to.

Bridie you are doing brilliantly. And enjoy your posts . Notice on other threads you are feisty and others trying to get the better if you, but they can't. Good for you .

I will post pictures of the exhibition ..My daughter and grandsons are going to see it . I have told all my sit fit class and craft group about it and anyone who will listen. It's funny people I mixed with didn't know where it was I lived but them again still don't know where some places are round me. If I have to go anywhere new on the bus it's like a magical mystery tour as I have no idea where I am but always arrive at my destination.. I have no sense of direction 🤦.

@sparklygrandma,
Glad you spoke to the priest about this. How awful ringing your GP, what a nerve.
I really feel for you, my eldest daughter and many on my side of the family as well my SILs family made our life and the lives of our three other daughters a living hell. They also harassed us whilst turning a blind eye to our daughter’s abuse. They literally swallowed every lie our daughter find them. Only our three other daughters some close friends and a couple of cousins on my side know the truth. We are estranged from my daughter and all those who enabled her now, have been for over 10 years, it isn’t easy but it would have killed us to do otherwise.
Enjoying the calm. Xx

Afternoon fellow estrangees.

If that’s a word.

Yesterday I was brave and when my priest popped in, I said I wanted to speak about my family and estrangement. I explained that they were engaging with me though they were causing misery for me and trouble by telling people I was refusing to see them.
It felt good to say it. He had come around 6 months ago and asked me when I saw my family. I assumed a family member had started ringing him to cause me trouble.
I didn’t ask him about his being rung but I did say they’ve rung my GP and that when they start ringing people they won’t stop. Unless the person sets a firm boundary.

I am hoping he gives it all his consideration.

Whew.

Have a lovely rest of the weekend! Going to plant some crocuses.

Morning everyone.

Thank goodness the torrential rain and gale force winds have gone. We had a power cut Thursday evening due a branch falling onto a power cable. The barrier at the entrance of our section was down with at least one car unable to get back because it couldn't be raised.

One of our new neighbours had a lucky escape when a huge branch came off. It fell to the side but had it fallen forward it would have crashed down onto their decking and possibly their lodge too.

I'm pleased that we don't have trees near us and our view is of the golf course.

so knowing you'll have something to say to your new neighbour, he thought he'd get in first and do the 'nice guy' performance Yogin; it wont last and hopefully your DS will get the work finished this weekend.

Sorry your friends hip op's been cancelled. How frustrating because you gear yourself up to be ready.

I agree Bridie and TBH I'm horrified at how some threads become so unpleasant and nothing is done. Often they get deleted but it's the posters who cause the trouble who should be taken to task.

I usually pm a new poster who starts their own thread about estrangement Babs and suggest they come here. My heart sinks when the unpleasantness starts and of course some use the threads to have a general go at all EP's.

You'll have accrued legal costs up to the time your buyer pulled out Babs and yes it stings when you have to foot the bill, with nothing to show for it.

You will get there Bridie . You can never fill the void that estrangement leaves in your life but with time you learn to live with it, without it being front and centre of you world.

I think it's simply wonderful that your art is being displayed in an exhibition Whiff; don't forget to send some pics . Will your D and GC be going?

Taking our GC to see Father Christmas was the one thing I was looking forward to the most, but never got the chance . It used to upset me when they were little, but now they're too old to go, I don't tend to think about it.

Make the most of the better weather and have a good day everyone x