Support and friendship For Those Estranged

I know what you mean about fearing the future Caleo especially if our lives haven't turned out the way we thought they would.

Smileless, all credit to you for filling such a need.

May I say that Grans net is specially suited for such conversations , because, life being what it is, we tend to accrue losses the older we become. I fear the future , and usually divert my attention from these real fears. I double if could stay sane otherwise.

Indeed Caleo sometimes in life we experience reluctant acceptance; we have no choice but to accept the decision(s) made by another that greatly impact our lives.

As we often say here we are not responsible for the actions/behaviour of others, only for how we respond to it.

There's chit chat here Caleo because of the friendships that have been established over the years and also because we think it's important for anyone in this position, especially anyone whose just been estranged, to see that there is life after estrangement.

When I first came to GN nearly 12 years ago, this topic had only just been touched upon. Those posting were in the early stages of being estranged so there was no one who could share the coping mechanisms they'd found helpful, the steps they'd taken to re build their lives and move on.

I wish there had been because for the first couple of years I had no idea that there really was a light at the end of the dark tunnel that had become our lives, and I think that letting others see that there is, is just as important as a discussion where the sole focus is estrangement.

If it was, I very much doubt the support threads would have continued for so many years.

I'm glad you're not as poorly as you were the last time you had Covid Babs rubbish telly and tinned soup nothing better when you're feeling ill .

Thanks also to Smileless. My late former husband for whom twenty -three years later I feel affection and respect , was not faultless ( nobody is!) and I myself made some very silly choices.
I never fully understood what happened to separate us two, and helpful friends have offered different explanations. I will never know now, and so don't have a closure to the sad story.

I hope it will be helpful to any others here when I say that acceptance is not being relieved of the burden of regret but is becoming accustomed to the burden and being happy despite the burden.

Thank you Babs for the reassurance.

Diamond Lil, pity is good. I was at one time in a pitiable state and no doubt will be so again.

However feeling one is being pitied , although pity is akin to love, is not good for someone who can rise above a bad situation. As were you apparently.

I did so too in my own way. I did welcome help from others, The help I received was positive, reassuring, and realistic.

I'd like to bring these qualities to help others enduring the unpleasantness of estrangement.

I have looked for the first time at this topic on Gransnet, and the topic sometimes does not seem to be estrangement but chit chat.

Good morning all,
Happy to report covid is receding, a few bad nights and shivery, bone aching days, but we are now pootling about at home, have watched lots of rubbish telly and resorted to tinned soup, but happy things are on the up.
The last time I had covid it floored me for weeks, fingers crossed 🤞 that doesn’t happen again.
@DL getting over the death of the love of your life when it happened so recently must be brutal, yet you are putting such a brave face on it, I admire you for that, can’t be easy.
@Yogi, bad neighbours are all hell to cope with, we’ve had a few in our time and now that we are moving it does worry me, you just can never tell beforehand.
@Smiles, I don’t know why a GPs can’t just send all the info over, what a faff, in this day and age I thought everything was computerised or ‘in a cloud’, ready to go anywhere at the touch of a button. But glad you’re getting stuff sorting out.

Morning everyone.

As you say DL sometimes funerals are hard to arrange especially if there's estrangement in a family, and you raise a valid point about the wishes of the deceased needing to be taken into account.

I agree that it's natural to mourn those that have played a part in our lives even if they no longer do.

There's no stigma here for those living with estrangement but we do see it on other threads, especially for those who have been estranged. I don't think anyone posts here to be pitied, it's friendship and support that we look for and the best place to find it is where there are others who know how hard it is to live with.

It's such a shame that your awful neighbour is putting a damper on your lovely flat Yogin. If it wasn't for him, the road probably wouldn't be such an issue. It's odd isn't it, how some people go out of their way to annoy their neighbours .

Got the forms to register with the doctors surgery we used to go too before our previous move and have registered our dogs with the vets we used to use. Why can't the doctors do it as seamlessly as they do?

Everything is computerised, so the vets practice contacted the previous vet and have had all of their records transferred. We have to complete forms and go back with the prescriptions or packages for all repeat prescriptions to be scanned into their system. Just seems a bit archaic to me.

Just hope that the amount of prescriptions Mr. S. has, doesn't put them off!!!

The last of the problems and jobs we needed doing here were finished yesterday. It's taken a couple of months but they got there in the end .

I wasn't pitting you Caleo just trying to say something nice. Rest assure I won't waste my time on you again.

Caleo

Thanks, Yogi . I know you mean well, but I don't enjoy being pitied.

I posted what I did not to solicit pity but to suggest that estrangement from loved ones is a broad problem that afflicts many in various circumstances who have to undergo estrangement from loved ones.

Well, I was estranged, and then divorced from my ex…I didn’t want pity either. No need. But, nor did I ever think there was any stigma attached. Especially on here, but not in real life either.🤷‍♀️

Life does what it does. 🤷‍♀️

In fact, my ex is driving me nuts at the moment, thinking we can reset the past. 🙄

I then married the love of my life, and he died last year.

No, I didn’t ask his ex to the funeral, because he didn’t want her there. I couldn’t have cared less about her.

I did invite his adult kids - although they are out of my life now.

Sometimes, funerals are hard to arrange - the deceased persons wishes have to be taken into account.

But, it’s natural to mourn those that have played a large part in our lives. 💐

Thanks, Yogi . I know you mean well, but I don't enjoy being pitied.

I posted what I did not to solicit pity but to suggest that estrangement from loved ones is a broad problem that afflicts many in various circumstances who have to undergo estrangement from loved ones.

If I was lucky enough to move from here into a lovely bungalow of my dreams, I think I would throw a quick bye then to this flat . The flat is nice, it had the best garden, but the road spoils it all, I would certainly be whoop, whooping as I left this road for the last time.

My DD sent me a video clip from TikTok entitled 'When next door leaves their car blocking our workshop. Prisoners are never taken!' It's so funny; The guy leaves his car at 1pm and it's still there at 9.45pm. The guy whose workshop is being blocked, comes along with a forklift truck, picks the car up and places it on top of a shipping container ... If only

Smiles it's always emotional to move house, I too would walk round saying goodbye. It will be a weight off your shoulders when it's owned by the new buyers. Where you've moved to sounds really lovely and you & Mr.S, plus your little doggies, will be very happy living there.

Hello Sparklygrandma Lovely to hear from you and best of luck with your healing, we all heal in different ways and take the time we need ourselves to do this. xx

Sorry to read your sad story Caleo xx

Whiff Many years ago, when I lived in Athens, I did a large cross stitch silhouette of an eighteenth-century lady in a garden. I had just finished it and dropped a cup of tea over it, it caught the top right-hand corner, I should have washed it out straight away but didn't I still have it somewhere.

A bittersweet moment Smileless, now you have the enjoyment of making your new home cosy. Moving on and forward can hard but hopefully healing.

Thank you for that Babs. This evening the enormity of what we've done seems to have struck home. Seeing that big, beautiful house empty was a bit of a shock TBH.

@Smiles
What a nuisance with the boiler, but like you said good job you tried it.
Your last sentence speaks volumes, walking round to say goodbye must be tough despite moving somewhere you are both happy to be.
Never easy, imagine will be be the same for us.
x

Evening everyone.

I hope you soon feel better Babs and that Covid doesn't make you feel too unwell .

Lovely artwork Whiff, you're very talented. I love the owls .

You don't have to worry about what you say here Caleo, we don't push blame onto those who come here for friendship and support.

It's a shame that you were unable to attend your exes funeral. I think it's lovely when exes do hope to stay friends. It makes it a lot easier for any children, even if they're adults when the marriage ends, if mum and dad can get along even though no longer together.

Sadly the stigma surrounding estrangement remains which is why this thread is so important and everyone experiencing it is always assured of a warm welcome.

Lovely to see your post SparklyG. No problem at all with you dipping in and out. Sorry you've had a miserable year and thank you for making me .

We were at the house today and the last of the contents have now gone into storage for my friends brother. It's a good job I asked Mr. S. to put the heating on when we arrived because the flaming boiler isn't working .

We only had it serviced last month and it was working when we left so now Mr. S. has to go back on Tuesday to be there for the engineer. I'm just glad that we found out today because it would have awful if we'd completed (4th or 11th of next month), and they'd found out the day they moved in!!!

I wont be going back so had a walk round before we left to say 'goodbye'.

Toast away Sparkly Grandma, glad you are moving on aft such a miserable year.
Wishing you all the bestx

Hello everyone, sorry for dipping in and out. I have got some (private) help with moving into healing over the estrangement from DS.

The other evening about 10 days ago, I lifted a milky coffee and toasted my moving onto my ‘new life’.

I’m only 65, women in my family live to be 90. I’ve got Act III to look forward to.

I hope it doesn’t sound a bit gung-ho, have had a miserable year.

Hello Smileless Yoga.

@caleo
So sorry. Of course you won’t be blamed. He may have been your ex but you obviously were still very fond of him, that is totally understandable.
And losing him a second time when he died must have been a blow. But you can still mourn in your own way nobody can take that away from you
And yes, unfortunately there is still a stigma attached to estrangement, people can be so judgy, mostly those who have never been through it.
Wishing you well xx

I was estranged from my ex husband which he wanted and I did not and his second wife ( for whom he left me)did not invite me to his funeral.He remained friendly towards his sons who attended his funeral. They were allowed to mourn but I was excluded.

I even hesitate to write here about my feeling abandoned as I fear I may be blamed for having hoped to stay best friends.

Is there a stigma attached to being estranged?