Putting myself on the chopping block ...

MissAdventure

What unkind comments?
The ones yesterday asking how she allowed her mum in law to just take her child?
Is that unkind.
Oh, that makes me "sad".

Not this thread

This is the thread OP expected unkind comments on because of a previous negative experience

Turned into some sort of weird internet stalking nightmare though didn't it from a person we do not know who also seems to like to cause arguments using screenshots that could easily be taken out of context when about someone who did get unkind comments here and tell people elsewhere

Again I would challenge anyone here to say they have never said to another person "come look at xyz thread" because they were either worried about or didn't like the way it was going.

What unkind comments?
The ones yesterday asking how she allowed her mum in law to just take her child?
Is that unkind.
Oh, that makes me "sad".

Smileless2012

The post was made with the expectation of the OP receiving in her words a tirade of abuse.

It will understandably make some wary about responding to similar posts in case they have also been made for that reason.

Why would anyone think that specifically about DILs though?

If someone wanted to cause trouble, and I am not saying that is happening here because we know this person has had unkind comments here so had a reason to expect that...

Surely someone posting to cause trouble could post in any context from any perspective... So why would that specifically impact how DILs are received?

It's definitely not a justification of any sort

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

The post was made with the expectation of the OP receiving in her words a tirade of abuse.

It will understandably make some wary about responding to similar posts in case they have also been made for that reason.

Smileless2012

IMO this thread has done a disservice to the d's.i.l. who have extremely difficult m's.i.l. and are genuine when they say they want to talk about their experiences here on GN, to offer an alternative perspective.

It does seem like a waste of time, for the OP and those who took the time to respond DL.

How does one post do a disservice to other DILs coming here for help and advice?

Please explain this concept... I don't understand your thinking

Smileless2012

^This post was respectful and only changed when someone, in bad faith went digging to discredit it^

What a strange idea of what's respectful if someone thinks that baiting posters on GN for entertainment is respectful .

I don't know if it was bad faith that prompted IHateHypocrites to go digging but I for one am grateful that she did.

I don't find this thread at all bothersome, it has been and I'm sure will continue to be illuminating.

Nor me. As Catherine Tate (in one of her skits) would say “Does this face look bovvered?” 🙄

This post was respectful and only changed when someone, in bad faith went digging to discredit it

What a strange idea of what's respectful if someone thinks that baiting posters on GN for entertainment is respectful .

I don't know if it was bad faith that prompted IHateHypocrites to go digging but I for one am grateful that she did.

I don't find this thread at all bothersome, it has been and I'm sure will continue to be illuminating.

User138562

Why are you all still commenting if it's so bothersome? Stop responding and the thread will die.

You don't own a public anonymous forum. Estranged adult kids do come here. They do post. They do think what they think about regular posters here and so what? We can read years of history and watch the same antagonistic patterns on every thread written by us.

I don't interact with most people here because you'll pile on and attempt to discredit anyone who paints estranged parents in anything but an innocent and blameless light.

It takes maybe an hour to get a sarcastic or passive aggressive comment about how the post is probably fake or a "wind up" or "reversal" and then pair it with a "I don't know why they thought we would be mean" or something. It's a tactic to maintain your echo chamber of "woe is me I'm so perfect".

We are literate and can think independently, so can see what you imply. We can read between the lines. There is objectively much hostility here and we will feel how we feel. You'll never admit it. You'll deny and pick it apart. It's an obvious and very visible pattern. It's why some talk about it on other forums. It's extreme behavior.

The fact is that estrangement is upsetting to us too. We post here to voice how we feel in a safer environment than we have with our own families. And that is justified and allowed. Allowed by the site and by general Internet etiquette. The little inquisition that happens whenever someone posts is an obvious example of the behavior that drove us from our families.

We don't owe your precious feelings anything. This post was respectful and only changed when someone, in bad faith, went digging to discredit.

Toxic. I won't read replies, as always. But feel free to pick it apart to your heart's content.

Ok, but have a nice evening. 🙂

Sorry - the above comment was to keeping quiet..🙂

I think there are plenty of sites for this sort of thing. Mumsnet is very sympathetic towards younger women.

I don’t know about really young children though.

I don’t know if it’s always battles - the young women I know, including my DD/DIL, friends daughters etc, don’t seem to have all these issues.🤷‍♀️

So, perhaps it depends on history/personalities. 🙂

Why are you all still commenting if it's so bothersome? Stop responding and the thread will die.

You don't own a public anonymous forum. Estranged adult kids do come here. They do post. They do think what they think about regular posters here and so what? We can read years of history and watch the same antagonistic patterns on every thread written by us.

I don't interact with most people here because you'll pile on and attempt to discredit anyone who paints estranged parents in anything but an innocent and blameless light.

It takes maybe an hour to get a sarcastic or passive aggressive comment about how the post is probably fake or a "wind up" or "reversal" and then pair it with a "I don't know why they thought we would be mean" or something. It's a tactic to maintain your echo chamber of "woe is me I'm so perfect".

We are literate and can think independently, so can see what you imply. We can read between the lines. There is objectively much hostility here and we will feel how we feel. You'll never admit it. You'll deny and pick it apart. It's an obvious and very visible pattern. It's why some talk about it on other forums. It's extreme behavior.

The fact is that estrangement is upsetting to us too. We post here to voice how we feel in a safer environment than we have with our own families. And that is justified and allowed. Allowed by the site and by general Internet etiquette. The little inquisition that happens whenever someone posts is an obvious example of the behavior that drove us from our families.

We don't owe your precious feelings anything. This post was respectful and only changed when someone, in bad faith, went digging to discredit.

Toxic. I won't read replies, as always. But feel free to pick it apart to your heart's content.

I have been judged and pilloried for being a 'terrible' granny. It seems to me there is a big disconnect between how women perceive themselves as both mothers and grans.

When we become mothers we don't put on a mother suit that changes how we behave.
We laugh and cry about the same things, have the same anxieties, skills and abilities we always had.
It is the same when we become grans- we take all that stuff we've accumulated in life and throw it at the feet of our grandchildren who cannot begin to know the things we've gone through and what a beacon of hope they represent.
I don't think there is enough emphasis on how women can see through their various 'roles' they have been given, or have taken on, in life and just be people who get things wrong sometimes.
We hang on to these 'identities' as if they defined who we really are, when they don't.
I think the fact that this OP has 'crossed' over speaks volumes about how we still cling to our identities.
What happend to women supporting women?
Motherhood today seems a joyless succession of battles to be won with husbands, work, families, friends, society.
Grandparenthood also seems to be a kind of territory claiming exercise over other human beings in order to define who 'they' are.
What has happened to us, or do we just see this on the inter-net?
I find it all very depressing but also very concerning because there are innocent parties caught up in this- namely our children and grandchildren who must grow up finding this whole thing very confusing.
Maybe we should have a child's-net where the kids can go to moan about their parents and grandparents in equal kind- I am sure we would all be truly shocked by what they have to say.

Well, it’s all a bit predictable, to be honest.🤷‍♀️

I think, more than creative writing, (nothing much was inspiring or original lol), that it’s more about people from other forums deciding to cause some friction. 🙄

Luckily, it was sussed out pretty quickly. 🙂

Well it did seem rather OTT easzybee. M.i.l. taking the baby, keeping hold of the child for hours and refusing to give back to the mother for example.

It is rather disconcerting when you take time to read and respond, giving the poster the benefit of the doubt to find that the real purpose was to hopefully create conflict for the amusement of others.

I was thinking that the perhaps the OP has done some of us a favour, those of us who have been critical of our own d's.i.l. where they've played a part in our estrangements, and been criticised for doing so.

When this thread first appeared my instant reaction was to respond, oh no, not again, but I refrained because I was once reproved for doubting that these poor people were genuine.

Seems I was right; these posts about dastardly mothers-in-law all follow the same pattern and the mask slips when the sweetness-and-light daughter-in-law's story is queried.

Sorry to think that mothers can find nothing more inspirational to amuse themselves with than Granny baiting, but another part of me thinks: immature would-be authors practising their creative writing skills?

Cossy

Oh! Seems I’ve been duped now reading further! Honestly, I sometimes just don’t know what to think or believe!

Oh, it was all a bit of a wind up. Best ignored. 🙂

or believe

It's a shame that in the future because of this thread, we may not know what to think of believe Cossy.

a deep rooted belief that everyone else is always at fault appears to be something that the OP and her m.i.l. have in common cossy, why else come onto a forum about estrangement where the vast majority of contributors are EP's, EGP's and estranged m's.i.l. in an attempt to illicit controversy for amusement.

From people who claim to have moved on and have healthy relationships, is the laughable part, yes it is MissA.

Oh! Seems I’ve been duped now reading further! Honestly, I sometimes just don’t know what to think or believe!

eazybee

If your mother- in -law refused to see you with your husband and children you, as a family, are quite right to suspend contact.
Nothing else to say.
But that is never the case, is it?

I completely agree. Whilst I do have some empathy for MIL, she’s clearly most unhappy, a deep rooted belief that everyone else is always at fault is hard to change.

I think this OP has done exactly the right thing for her, her children, her husband and her sanity and wish her the best of luck.

I find it totally bizarre that people are so bored that they visit a support forum (whatever the subject of support), just to try and upset/wind people up.🤔

Odd behaviour from adults.

It used to happen on disability support sites, where trolls would come on, with fanciful stories about their “disability” just for some sort of kicks.😑

I realised, quickly, that yesterdays story wasn’t really feasible - 6 month old babies don’t eat small bars of chocolate or sit up playing…🙄

Funny way of healing going on - these people seem bitter and angry. So, not healed much really.

From people who claim to have moved on and have healthy relationships, is the laughable part.

I went in hard and she refused to engage.
Says it all, really.