Adoption

Speaking from experience, in 18 years all the hard work and relationship building will be over. When you connect you will be connecting with an adult who has never know you. It will be hard.

Grandparents are the people we love, and they love us when we are children. It is different when we are grown. Once we meet the bio family there may be a flurry of excitement, but then it wains when you realize that they are really just strangers that you share DNA with.

An added complication is that when you meet your bio family you realize there are other children who grew up in those households and the family dynamics, religion, morals, are very different than the way you were raise. Again, nothing in common.

Adoptions are hard decisions to make, but generally a better option for the child than the alternative. This is about your daughter and what she wants and needs at this time. Later on, it will be all about the adult adoptee and what their wants and needs are. I am sorry to say that it will never be about you. There just isn't space for that.

Last I checked, grandparents do not have any rights. At least where I am from. I am sure that you are truly heartsick.

I am so sorry. I know you feel heartsick, but you and everyone else involved will have to live with this and just hope that the adopting family is wonderful, well-adjusted and happy to have the child in the family.

The social work team will support your daughter and her partner in making this decision. Every option will be explored with them. It may be possible for their baby to be fostered by prospective adopters, if not there will be foster care followed by adoptive placement.
The baby will have a Life Story Book. This will begin with information about birth parents. The book will develop as the infant grows.
I hope you can support your daughter in this very difficult time. It will be up to her to keep the adoption agency up to date

You could write a letter and ask for it to be put in the file.

How terribly sad for all concerned.

Most grandparents won't be in this situation, because pregnancies that can't be coped with result in a termination & you would probably never be told. You don't say whether your grandchild is born yet, but either way there will be a new life out there intimately connected with you, in a good country with good life chances. They may be just like you, & if you hadn't had your daughter they wouldn't be here. OK, you may not get to share their life but they will be out there living it because of you. Say a little prayer for them each night & be glad they're in the world.

I would do that Sago if I was allowed to.

I see no reason why a letter couldn’t be part of the life story work, unless the birth parents were strongly opposed

Thank you everyone for your replies.
That was helpful.
Yes grandchild is born.
Yes I am supporting daughter.
Yes I know it’s not about me…🙄

I feel so sad for you ACDC

That’s very hard for you.
I was adopted at birth and last year found my birth mother. After I found out about her but before we met, I had some sessions with a lovely counsellor from Barnardos. She was very helpful. I wonder whether some counselling might help you come to terms with this? Barnardos counsellors are trained to help with issues surrounding adoption and fostering. Wishing you all the best.

Thank you @lovemylife
Yes I think I do need counselling

Thank you @crazyH

ACDC, my heart aches for you. I can only imagine how you must feel. Do please seek counselling, this is a far too complex situation for the likes of me to ' advise' As one poster has said your GC will be out in the world because of of you and your DD. I hope that thought gives you some solace. So sad , of course you are supporting your daughter but the complexities of this situation are massive and I am glad you have said you think you need counselling. Do ensure you chose one with the appropriate accredited qualification. A counsellor will offer you the opportunity to talk about all aspects of this momentous decision in a safe and confidential environment. Thinking of you and sending you strength and ((( hugs ))). 💐

ACDC I can't help with an answer to your question but I just wanted to mention that, if I were you, I would be heartbroken, too, but on the positive side, your DD has chosen a very unselfish plan for her DC, a family waiting to hold the little one and raise them as their own. An infertile couple who's dream is coming true. A little one given the opportunity to live a happy life. Your DD has thought of these things and has made an honourable choice, in my opinion.

I am so sorry, this must have been a very difficult decision for your family.

I think a letter in your grandchild’s file is the best idea.

I’m so glad you’re considering counselling. The one I found through Barnardos was very helpful. All their therapists are fully qualified and have undertaken an additional course in adoption issues.

Here are the contact details:

Barnardo’s
Adoption Services
54 Head Street
Colchester
Essex
CO1 1PB

Tel: 01206 362540

My nephew and partner adopted a child at birth. It was arranged that they send photos and little updates, every 6 months, and that the birth mother can send a letter back, to be kept for the child in adulthood.

The birth mother didn’t want the child, she doesn’t want see the child, the adoption was amicable, so this sounds a good solution.

If the birth mother doesn’t want to, or is too late to terminate her pregnancy, planned adoption outside the birth family is often best for everyone, including the child. Life story work, letters twice a year , photographs and more are usually a key part of the plan

My heart goes out to you ACDC .

How sad, it must be devastating for you!

Before my husband and I married in 1969 (aged 22 and 19) we planned our life together. We had decided that that we would have three birth children of our own, then adopt a child less fortunate than our own.

We had three birth daughters born in the 70s. In the 80s, we asked our girls what they thought of idea of adopting a child who was in need of a good home. It had their approval, and we adopted a mixed race lad, 9 years old , whose father was black and his mother white. He had learning difficulties and was epileptic. We then fostered a black lad, 16 years old, who had Downs Syndrome, before we adopted a baby aged 16 months of Greek/Cypriot parentage, also with DS. His parent's told everyone he had died at birth!

The older two lads were removed from their birth parents when very young as they were being physically abused. Sadly we discovered much later, they had also been sexually abused in the care homes they had been in.

Our youngest son's parents were told they could get in touch when he was 18, if they changed their minds, but they never did. He will be 40 next year.

Our older adopted son sadly died a couple of years ago, he had many health issues over the years.

Our foster son left when he was 25, and we have never heard from him again.

Our younger lad is very happy in his care home, not far from where we live, and gets on well with his 'staff', as he calls them. They are very fond of him, as is everyone who comes into contact with him.

Sometimes people carry someone else's baby who is their child in every way that matters

You can leave a letter for the child when they are an adult but it will always be their choice whether to contact you.

I have a biological sister out there who I have never met and I know nothing about. As hard as that was when I found out, I have come to realise, this is not a person I grew up with and it is not a person who can be found unless they want to be found.

There is a lot more to a relationship than sharing DNA, any idea of a sister I have is an ideal, it is not real, The grief I first felt was for a stranger.

I would instead focus on getting some help with the feelings you have now, so they don't cast a shadow over you and your relationship with your own child.

Iam64

If the birth mother doesn’t want to, or is too late to terminate her pregnancy, planned adoption outside the birth family is often best for everyone, including the child. Life story work, letters twice a year , photographs and more are usually a key part of the plan

Yes, it is. Always best if you can make the best of a sad situation.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I’d suggest a letter if allowed, and then DNA testing so if they go that route they can find you when they are old enough.

Therapy may help you have a safe space for grieving as well.

Good luck

My DH was adopted in 1959 and his birth family wouldn't have been able to search for him because it wasn't allowed for any births before 1975. It was up to him to search but he didn't want to do it while his adopted parents were still alive. It was me who pushed him into searching and we went through the adoption agencies and found his birth family in 2017. It turned out that it's a huge family many we have never met. His birth mum died 30 years ago but she married a few years after my DH was born and had 5 children to a Ghanaian man. So he has a brother and 4 sisters. We did his DNA and found out who his father was but he had died a few years ago and had 3 sons. We haven't made any contact with the 3 sons.
We have been made very welcome by his family but as they are all scattered about the UK rarely see them. He doesn't feel as close to them because everyone has grown up so have only come to meet their elder half brother in their 50's.
I'm sorry ACDC that your daughter has made this decision but agree with the other posters to write letters. Hugs to you. xx