What did you do to heal and move forward from estrangement?

I have moved on, with time and eventually accepting I couldn't change anything. That doesn't alter the fact that I will never have that confidence I once had thinking I had a family who loved me as I love them. I feel different to others.

Am with you there Allsorts.

So how do we move on?
A bit of self care?
What do you people do to build yourself up?
I tend to clear something out, throw
something away.
Plan something new.
Someone at the allotment said go out every day.

There is a huge difference to how you are able to "heal" after estrangement depending on if you chose that estrangement or if you had it forced upon you.
I had a period of estrangement caused by my dil (now ex) which ended 5 years ago but I still bear the scars. I no longer trust people how I used to. And I rarely disagree with anyone - even when I should -as I don't want to risk that escalating into more estrangement

Understanding and accepting that you can't do anything to change the situation is I think the first step to moving on loopyloo.

It frees the mind to focus on what you can do, and prevents you from wasting time and energy on trying to fix something that you can't.

Loopy you can't alter how someone else behaves. I was told some time ago that people dislike you for several reason. They envy you, may want what you have, feel insecure when you're around so you need to go. I think for some it gives them a feeling of freedom. Trouble is they have to justify their attitudes in cutting us off, that does the damage. 💐

I wasn't suggesting that one could alter how someone else behaves but asking how one can help oneself.

Jealousy is something that drives others away from those who suffer from it usually, not the other way around

Yes that's true, envy usually destroys the very thing it covets.

The best way to heal is to stop constantly poking at the wound, examining it and displaying it at every opportunity.

easybee

No, no one else gets to decide how and when others heal. People should take as long as they need and do whatever they need.

If people did that more, many estrangement situations wouldn't happen and people wouldn't be taking out their unresolved issues on others as an outlet

I don't agree that eazybee is telling others how and when they should heal VS.

Thanks for adding your thoughts on that Smileless

Refusing to confront your pain is a surefire way to literally never heal from it. And quite possibly pass that pain to your children as well. If you don't feel it and deal with it, it will express itself in other ways, either through your behavior towards others or through your own health. Too many people take the "tough" approach and that really doesn't work on a neurological level.

Doing that work takes years for complex trauma. There's no way to skip it. It could take less time depending on what you're dealing with but there's no ignoring it.

Grieving is a good first step. And talking to someone whether that is a friend or professional. I benefit from learning how the brain works so I lean on that too. It helps me live with the temporary pain and recognize the progress I am making.

You're welcome VS.

eazybee

The best way to heal is to stop constantly poking at the wound, examining it and displaying it at every opportunity.

Well, yes, I agree. I see no point in keep picking the wound. Be happy and move on.🙂

Keep picking the scab and you won't heal.

We aren't talking about a scab... It's not really a great analogy...

We are talking about mental and often physical health that can sometimes be long term and debilitating.

This idea that it is "picking a scab" to want to properly address that carries the suggestion that people are somehow actually hurting themselves.

If someone had a literal wound that wouldn't heal, absolutely no one would be saying "oh just stop picking at it" with no idea if that was actually happening except in their own opinion.

Let people heal their own way. The people who are trying are superheroes.

There does come a time I agree Allsorts to stop poking at the wound because until we do healing will never begin. That time is different for us all I'm sure, but needs to come eventually.

Some of us have been here for a long time, talking about the same things, if that is picking a scab then none of us are healing by that logic

So unless there are a category of people here who are entitled to more pian or more time than others in terms of how they handle their estrangement... I just don't see the relevance of the statement

I think that you have to try and let things go, but the very fact that we are all here talking about it, means we haven’t really done that
Personally, I am really happy with where I am, I’m so glad that I never have to see my mother again, but that doesn’t stop me from going over things in my mind, and I regret the impact it had on the wider family, I’ve lost my brother and his family, and my children have had to listen to her rants against me.
Still more positives than negatives, but always I will wonder how much was my fault, I also wonder about my dad, if he’s looking down at it all. I’d like to think he wouldn’t blame me.

We've been talking here about what we've done to heal and move on. On other threads we share our experiences if we think that doing so may help someone else who has recently been estranged or has estranged, or if something has happened that's triggered our pain. I don't think that any of this is poking at the wound or picking a scab.

That for us was when we never talked about anything else with one another, family and close friends which for a time is what we did. Eventually we made a conscious decision to stop because we didn't want being estranged to define us and we wanted to begin to heal, to move on and rebuild our lives.

We were constantly poking at the wound, but not anymore.

Maybe people need to make sense of things and understand what happened in order to help them move on?

I don't post here a lot, but I will say that it's a thousand times more helpful to talk about things with people who understand than it would be to pay for therapy.

I have not gone no contact and neither has my almost Estranged child. Today there haven't been unkind words but they have said they are happier to talk at a distance and I'm respecting that. The truth does hurt, but it's helpful to know that someone only wants to talk and not to meet up any time soon. Perhaps I should be less available?

I only talk about this with GN or my DH, but not constantly. Usually just when I need a bit more support than usual.

The truth does hurt yes it does Onward but it's better in the long run to know where you stand even if it's not where you'd ever want to be .

In answer to Violet I have not done very much about a recent estrangement in my life. I did not initiate the estrangement myself it was my brother who chose to estrange. I have always had contact with him and helped him move house several times he is always moving house. The place he last moved to was okay but although I kept in contact writing and phone calls (regularly) I did not see him as often. He told me a few months ago he was moving again and when he had his new address he would tell me. I sent his birthday card as usual and some money to get something, I phoned him two weeks after that to ask how he was. He sounded a bit off on the phone but I asked how things were and had he moved yet. This was his answer I have moved address and will not be giving it to you as I no longer wish contact with you. I was a bit shocked but said okay if that is what you want and I put the phone down. I am not bothered it is his choice but one thing is for sure he stated his choice and as far as I am concerned there will be no going back he can now stay out of my life for good he is a bloody idiot. Good Riddance to him.