Gaslighting from adult daughter

So what if your bhilren didn't have expensive holidays?!?
Or anything else for that matter.

They ought to be ashamed of themselves for being anything other than grateful for what they did have.

Allsorts

Still no one owns the housey, is this for real. Feel sorry for the children

I see no need for that comment, its not helpful comes across as intrusive (why do you need to know who owns my home when I already know my legal rights there!) and why the comment about my grandchildren! I have no idea why you are on the thread if that is your contribution. I was looking for some kind advice and support!

The house is rented in our joint names!

Still no one owns the housey, is this for real. Feel sorry for the children

User138562

I don't see any other way to deal with this but leave. Withdraw any financial support, because she's using you, and leave. You have to take care of yourself. This person does not want to change. You need to give up and try your best to move on and take care of yourself.

I believe this is the only way forward for you. You can only control your own behavior.

Very wise advice. I just hope that it wont all go horribly wrong.

eazybee

^I do not guilt trip myself! she constantly reminds us how much she and her sisters suffered because of their fathers ill health and our low income/poverty and according to her we owe them because we failed as parents!”^

Yes , you mention your low income several times, but your daughters seemed to lack only expensive holidays. They certainly seem unappreciative of the sacrifices you made for them
I do not want to sabotage her career.
I am seriously wondering if this is a genuine post.

Thanks for that! Yes it is a genuine post! Just because you cannot imagine yourself getting into my situation there is no reason to cast aspersions! I worry because I have put so much into trying to get my children set up and make sure my grandchildren have good starts. Expensive holidays was one thing she mentioned but they also didn't have the clothes they wanted and we struggled with gas and electric bills etc etc

Jenpax. Who owns the house, no one can advise you without knowing that important point.

I do not guilt trip myself! she constantly reminds us how much she and her sisters suffered because of their fathers ill health and our low income/poverty and according to her we owe them because we failed as parents!”

Yes , you mention your low income several times, but your daughters seemed to lack only expensive holidays. They certainly seem unappreciative of the sacrifices you made for them
I do not want to sabotage her career.
I am seriously wondering if this is a genuine post.

jenpax

I worry about the safe guarding aspects of their job which is why I do not talk about it to professionals. When you start counselling you get a little I have to report any concerns etc chat and that put me off as I said I do not want to lay myself open to anymore blame!

Ok, is there any other trusted person you could talk this over with, and who would give you an honest, impartial point of view?

I’ve never used a therapist for anything over the years - but a trusted and honest friend has been invaluable. A trusted friend can look at it from outside.

I don't see any other way to deal with this but leave. Withdraw any financial support, because she's using you, and leave. You have to take care of yourself. This person does not want to change. You need to give up and try your best to move on and take care of yourself.

I believe this is the only way forward for you. You can only control your own behavior.

I worry about the safe guarding aspects of their job which is why I do not talk about it to professionals. When you start counselling you get a little I have to report any concerns etc chat and that put me off as I said I do not want to lay myself open to anymore blame!

jenpax please don't do this anymore.

I have edited the version for my counsellor

Your counsellor is the one person there for JUST YOU.
If you aren't comfortable with them maybe there is another who is easier to be truthful with?

welbeck

do you think you are in a co-dependant situation.
it all sounds a muddle.
you seem to be guilt-tripping yourself, and thereby sabotaging yourself.
if she was reported for domestic abuse, coercive control, it might affect her career; she might not be able to join the nursing register.
have you pointed that out to her.
forget about the past.
you need to live in the here and now.
seek help urgently and act on that advice.
have you told your GP everything.

I am aware that her career would be impacted and I have pointed out multiple times to her that her duties as a nurse would preclude treating patients or colleagues this way! I gather, however that she behaves very differently at work than at home and has managed to nearly complete her degree; I just hope she continues to behave decently to people at work! According to her she treats us differently because we aren't worthy of her respect!
I do not guilt trip myself! she constantly reminds us how much she and her sisters suffered because of their fathers ill health and our low income/poverty and according to her we owe them because we failed as parents!”
No I haven't told my GP all of this and I have edited the version for my counsellor I do not want to be the one to sabotage her career and have that held against me for ever more!

jenpax

My other two daughters have their own challenges and we are a small family so I am called upon to help them not the other way around

It’s a totally different situation, but you and your other daughters can offer mutual support.

My husband died last year. I needed my family. My daughter and SIL have a hectic working life, 4 adult kids, and their dramas, and a long going court case with their grandchild (Long story). But, I support them, and they support me.

My son and family live in America but support me in a different way, as I do them.

It’s usually a two-way street.

Start putting your needs first sometimes - none of us need to be martyrs to our adult children.

Good luck. Start sorting your life out.💐

do you think you are in a co-dependant situation.
it all sounds a muddle.
you seem to be guilt-tripping yourself, and thereby sabotaging yourself.
if she was reported for domestic abuse, coercive control, it might affect her career; she might not be able to join the nursing register.
have you pointed that out to her.
forget about the past.
you need to live in the here and now.
seek help urgently and act on that advice.
have you told your GP everything.

I agree with easybee.
What you are putting up with is ridiculous; it's bullying. Plain and simpl, not gaslighting.

I wouldn'twant her anywhere near me or mine.

I'm appalled to think she is considered suitable for a career in nursing.

jenpax

My other two daughters have their own challenges and we are a small family so I am called upon to help them not the other way around

It could well be your depression that is causing you to think that way but it is almost like you are setting yourself up to fail.

Stop bothering about helping your daughter!!!!!

All the help. time and money she has extracted from you has NOT helped her; in fact it has facilitated her bullying and abuse.
To be brutally frank:
She chose to have three children.
She chose to have an acrimonious relationship with her partner, her mother and her father.
She chose to do a difficult and time-consuming course.
She chose to live off your charity, yet affects to despise you.
Leave her to find her own path..
You cannot improve the situation; the longer you stay the worse it will get, until it explodes in your face.

It should work both ways jenpax. You're there for your other D's and they should be there for you too. If you don't take care of yourself you wont be able to help them out will you.

My other two daughters have their own challenges and we are a small family so I am called upon to help them not the other way around

If you are off work with depression then it seems critical that your family understand and support you in receiving counselling.. otherwise if you don't start to recover how can you keep your financial income. Surely they can pull together to help you?

jenpax, you need to put yourself first I don't think she will stop you seeing the children, she relies on you too much.

When our children are little we do the best we can for them, with the circumstances we have been given. You did your best, like we all did

Please don't feel humiliated jenpax. It's a terrible thing to be treated so badly by your own child and you must make time for your counselling.

It's understandable to feel anxious about leaving and it will take courage to do so, but you'll reap the benefit as soon as you do and put some distance between you.

Your D is bullying and manipulating you and the only one who can stop her is you.

I am a legal professional which makes this situation so much more humiliating! I know my legal rights but having the courage to implement them is another matter. I tried to help all my children establish themselves. The eldest has done so very successfully and has a good professional career and a nice home with her husband and two granddaughters. The middle daughter not so much but is still working on it and is also nothing like her younger sister (we get on well) It is just the youngest that seems to have turned out this way. I keep hoping that if she can just get on her feet with her career she can pull herself together as I had to!
I am anxious about leaving and scared to stay in short paralysed by my mental health. I have recently started counselling but even finding time for that is a struggle as when I am not helping this daughter I feel I have to agree to spend all other time available helping with the other 4 grandchildren

You have got away from an abuser once, and you can do it again. Don’t allow yourself to be abused again.

I shouldn’t think, for a moment, she’ll stop you seeing the GCs - she’s a user, and she wants your help.

You can’t keep trying to change the past of her childhood by throwing money at her and enabling her appalling behaviour. She’s an adult and needs to grow up and stop with all the tantrums.

Many of us grew up in (financially) poor homes - we made our own lives as adults.

It sounds as though your ex is now more supportive, and your other daughters know how toxic she is - can you not get support from them?

You’re a Nan, not a parent of these children -,she needs to look after them. Stop enabling her -go out, let her get on with it.

As for the housing, it’s unclear whose name this is in. If it’s in your name, tell her she needs to find elsewhere to live. If it’s in her name, then you find somewhere else to live. Local councils often prioritise older people and abuse victims.

If it’s joint, then see a solicitor.

If you’re an intelligent woman now, retiring won’t make you less intelligent, but retire for your own reasons, not just because you’re exhausted with the situation.

No, I know 60 isn’t elderly, but you still need to have a happy life. This sounds all misery and stress. Abuse of older parents, by adult children, is known as elder abuse.

You are being abused, and you need to call a halt to it. It won’t be easy, but work out a plan and just do it. One step at a time.

If you need professional support, then this link might be helpful:

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/health-wellbeing/relationships-family/protection-from-abuse/