Gaslighting from adult daughter

jenpax you must start looking into finding somewhere else to live. You cannot continue to live with the daily abuse you're receiving from your D and if anyone should be hideously embarrassed that person is your D, not you .

And she is training to be a nurse ? Scary.

Oh jenpax - so sorry this is happening to you. What a nasty piece of work she is. Try and get away from this toxic situation as soon as you can.
You say you sold your house and bought a house together. Do you mean you own this house together ? You just have to get away from her . Good luck

Oh jenpax You are a good parent, truly. Please believe me you are * not* a 'shite' parent. You are extremely supportive. Believe in yourself . You have been stronger than most.

You could start by not throwing all your money at your children and grandchildren. Shut the purse and leave your daughter to pay for the upkeep of her own children.

Having done that, find yourself somewhere small to live, too small for her and the children to live there as well. I am not clear whether you own or rent your current home. If you own your house tell her that you will be putting it on the market in September so that she needs to find new accommodation for herself and her children by Christmas.

Domestic abuse, such as you are suffering from your daughter is a crime. It comes under the heading 'elder abuse'. If you were to speak to the police, she could be prosecuted. I know and fully understand why you would not want to do that, but it might be worth your while to point this out to your daughter and say that you will seek police protection if the abuse does not stop.

The thing you need to remember most is that your grandchildren are NOT your responsibility, they are the responsibility of their parents, in this case your daughter. Does their father still feature in their lives. Again I understand your desire to help look after your precious grandchildren, but you need to stand back and say to your daaughter. 'They are your children, you must take responsibility for providing for them and caring for them.

But most of all, you must physically seprate from your daughter and find yourself somewhere independentot live.

M0nica

You could start by not throwing all your money at your children and grandchildren. Shut the purse and leave your daughter to pay for the upkeep of her own children.

Having done that, find yourself somewhere small to live, too small for her and the children to live there as well. I am not clear whether you own or rent your current home. If you own your house tell her that you will be putting it on the market in September so that she needs to find new accommodation for herself and her children by Christmas.

Domestic abuse, such as you are suffering from your daughter is a crime. It comes under the heading 'elder abuse'. If you were to speak to the police, she could be prosecuted. I know and fully understand why you would not want to do that, but it might be worth your while to point this out to your daughter and say that you will seek police protection if the abuse does not stop.

The thing you need to remember most is that your grandchildren are NOT your responsibility, they are the responsibility of their parents, in this case your daughter. Does their father still feature in their lives. Again I understand your desire to help look after your precious grandchildren, but you need to stand back and say to your daaughter. 'They are your children, you must take responsibility for providing for them and caring for them.

But most of all, you must physically seprate from your daughter and find yourself somewhere independentot live.

I have been petrified that she will stop me seeing the children and indeed tonight she has told me to go and I wont be seeing the children again.
The children’s father lives in another county and they are in an acrimonious relationship.

Sorry I mean they are former partners and their relationship is now extremely acrimonious

I don't think for one moment that she will stop you seeing your grandchildren. She will need you. Be strong.

jenpax.. I don't have much but I do have a spare room that's safe if ever you need somewhere to escape to.. you're suffering domestic abuse , you cannot allow her to do this to you..

Get her out, you need to have your own space. Does she pay the rent or own the house? If not, I would tell her to leave immediately. She will be earning well soon and can live on her own. Just say you need time alone otherwise you will crack up and she has to leave!

Thanks everyone. I know this cannot continue.
I have been throwing all my income and savings at my children because I felt soo guilty that they had not had the childhood I had. Their father too has been well now for 30 years but still beats himself up because of how he was when he was so ill and he is running himself ragged driving her around as she has yet to pass her test! A lot of our rows are about how she treats him which is even worse than me! I know things were hard when they were little and the guilt with a capital G has wrecked both our lives (his and mine)! We do not live together but are friendly and mutually supportive, although his various health conditions which have appeared over time now limit him.
I take the point about elder abuse but to be honest at 60 I do not think of myself as old enough to qualify for extra support in that regard, it feels like I should be able to sort myself out! I keep reminding myself that I am a highly educated professional woman and that I am not the abysmal failure she paints me to be. Its hard though as my self esteem is at rock bottom.
I am trying to make a plan now to find somewhere short term and sort the house out after I have gone. I have become so ill with everything that I am off work with depression at the moment and am contemplating taking early retirement because I am done in. I try to keep out of her way as much as I can to avoid conflict and with her placements its easier than you might think, evenings are the worst and of course weekends. She barely looks after the kids. she behaves like a separated parent might, ie she swoops in with presents or new clothes, an occasional trip out etc but does none of the daily slog, she will pay for their entertainment eg last week I took them to the circus which she paid for but she leaves me to 95% of daily stuff! I do 100% of the school runs and ironically have made friends there! Her “free” time she spends at the gym or shut in her room. I do wonder how she will cope with the children. The 7 year old is very challenging and the eldest is extremely bright and about to start GCSE’s so will certainly need additional support emotionally.

If your DD has just told you to go then how does she expect to manage on her own with the children, it doesn’t make any sense.
If it’s your house then you’re not likely to leave it anyway.
Seems peculiar to me.
My advice in this situation is to have a frank talk with her and say the abuse has to stop right now or she finds somewhere else to live and another servant to bring up her children.

It sounds like your daughter is using her children to manipulate you saying you won't see them. You have a great relationship with them, they will be asking where you are. Would she really say to her kids they can't see you? Some of your grandchildren are older so she may not be able to stop access.

It definitely seems like manipulation to me, you say she abuses you and manipulation is abuse.

jenpax I know you are only 60, so elder abuse seems not for you. But however you look at it, call it what you will, you - and your DH - are the victims of domestic abuse and that is a crime. It is a threat that you can use if you need to. next time your daughter starts shouting at you, do not say a word, just turn round and walk out of the room - and keep doing it until she gets the message.

As a start, i think you need to mentally accept that the children are your daughter's and it is her responsibility to look after them, not you, and you must step back and become a grandma and not a parent replacement. Next time she wants to go off to the gym or retreat to her room, tell her that you have to go out, with your DH and she will have to look after the children herself - and walk out of the house. In the meanwhile look for alternative accommodation.

Your daughter is a bully and recognises all the buttons she can press on you to get the response she wants. The childhood your daughters had, sounds perfectly normal to me. Like most parents you had to give them a childhood within your income, but if it included PGL holidays then it was far from impoverished. We were a double income professional family, and our children did have holiday weeks without us, but never PGL, we couldn't afford them.

I know that suggesting counselling is the classic get out clause, but in your case I do think it would really help you tobe able to talk to someone who can help you reset yourself, so that you do not see yourself as a failure of a mother who needs to make -up to her daughter for those failings.

.

Firstly, what is PGL?

Secondly I would report your daughter to the hospital/uni/training provider because she sounds an absolute bully and nasty piece of work and I don’t think she is suitable to be in a caring role with vulnerable people. We have had enough news about wicked nurses!

Obviously you will not want to identify yourself but you could suggest they carry out further interviews with her as to whether she is of the right character for a nursing career.

PGL, an organisation that runs holiday camps for children, unofficially known as 'Parents Get Lost.'

You are responding to your daughter with fear. But ask yourself what can she do to you.. if you refuse to allow her to treat you like this..

She is unlikely, and by the sounds of it, unable to stop using you as her children's carer.. she needs your services. I would categorically tell her that unless she starts to treat you with respect that you will withdraw all extra money (beyond your share of expenses) and your services.

You sound like you have been an exemplary mother and she is an ungrateful self pitying person who is bullying you into thinking she has been a victim..
you are only 60 and it is time that you started looking for some happiness and peace in your life. You deserve it..

What a situation created partly by your over-generosity in the past. Throwing money at our children does not make us feel less guilty, sometimes we feel even more so.

You say you are a capable intelligent woman but this situation has drained your self-esteem. I know how that happens.

You are more than capable of sorting this situation out. If your friend came to you with these problems you would advise them what to do.

Raising your self-esteem should be your top priority. Stop doubting yourself. Your grandchildren are of an age where she would have to move a long way off to prevent you from seeing them. Don't buy into the blackmail.

Make time for yourself as others have suggested. You have a right to a life.

It sounds to me that because of the children's ASD they and your daughter may also be in need of support. She is relying on you when there may be help for her and for them elsewhere.

The bottom line is you are all vulnerable but in different ways. Maybe some family therapy maybe a start, there are lots of organisations that can offer help with struggling families.

However, she is controlling you and you are allowing it. I really hope it doesn't come to involving the police or SS. But I do think it is important for you to get the ball rolling... you will sort it. I did.

PGL holidays were expensive.

First, your daughter isn't 'gaslighting 'you, (a far more subtle process); she is abusing you.
Secondly, she sounds totally unsuitable for a nursing career, and her abuse is probably driven by the fact she knows she is inadequate. If she has free time she should either be studying or working in a shift job to earn money to support her children; I am wondering how she is able to afford a gym and entertainment treats and presents.
If it is bad now while she is studying it will be far worse should she gain a qualification and a post as a nurse. Not a good job for someone with three children, two with special needs.

Your situation with your house is unclear but you have to get out. A friend entered into a similar situation with her son and his 'agoraphobic' wife; she did all the child care, most of the house work and gave generous financial support; somehow they gained control of the mortgage then daughter in law physically threw her out of the house, after smashing up her furniture. They wanted to sell up and leave, but discovered she has claims on the money once the property is sold; daughter in law didn't know that.
She managed to scrape enough together to fund a sheltered retirement property, and sees her grandchildren when her son and his agoraphobic(?) wife need babysitters so they can attend rock concerts or need money for a holiday
.
Not a pleasant prospect, but you are in danger from your unbalanced daughter, and it is affecting your mental heath which will lead to you losing your job and income. You must take action now and protect yourself and stop throwing money at her because you feel you are living in poverty.
Things do have a habit of working out.
You rescued yourself from an unhappy situation and brought your children up successfully. You can do it again.

You say you sold your house and bought somewhere together.
Can you clarify this at all?
Was any agreement signed, is the house in joint names etc?

Your daughter is abusing you and you really need to get away from the situation...we tend to think of Domestic Abuse as being between intimate partners but it isn't so I'd suggest talking to a professional and also getting legal advice about your housing situation etc.

You have got away from an abuser once, and you can do it again. Don’t allow yourself to be abused again.

I shouldn’t think, for a moment, she’ll stop you seeing the GCs - she’s a user, and she wants your help.

You can’t keep trying to change the past of her childhood by throwing money at her and enabling her appalling behaviour. She’s an adult and needs to grow up and stop with all the tantrums.

Many of us grew up in (financially) poor homes - we made our own lives as adults.

It sounds as though your ex is now more supportive, and your other daughters know how toxic she is - can you not get support from them?

You’re a Nan, not a parent of these children -,she needs to look after them. Stop enabling her -go out, let her get on with it.

As for the housing, it’s unclear whose name this is in. If it’s in your name, tell her she needs to find elsewhere to live. If it’s in her name, then you find somewhere else to live. Local councils often prioritise older people and abuse victims.

If it’s joint, then see a solicitor.

If you’re an intelligent woman now, retiring won’t make you less intelligent, but retire for your own reasons, not just because you’re exhausted with the situation.

No, I know 60 isn’t elderly, but you still need to have a happy life. This sounds all misery and stress. Abuse of older parents, by adult children, is known as elder abuse.

You are being abused, and you need to call a halt to it. It won’t be easy, but work out a plan and just do it. One step at a time.

If you need professional support, then this link might be helpful:

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/health-wellbeing/relationships-family/protection-from-abuse/

I am a legal professional which makes this situation so much more humiliating! I know my legal rights but having the courage to implement them is another matter. I tried to help all my children establish themselves. The eldest has done so very successfully and has a good professional career and a nice home with her husband and two granddaughters. The middle daughter not so much but is still working on it and is also nothing like her younger sister (we get on well) It is just the youngest that seems to have turned out this way. I keep hoping that if she can just get on her feet with her career she can pull herself together as I had to!
I am anxious about leaving and scared to stay in short paralysed by my mental health. I have recently started counselling but even finding time for that is a struggle as when I am not helping this daughter I feel I have to agree to spend all other time available helping with the other 4 grandchildren

Please don't feel humiliated jenpax. It's a terrible thing to be treated so badly by your own child and you must make time for your counselling.

It's understandable to feel anxious about leaving and it will take courage to do so, but you'll reap the benefit as soon as you do and put some distance between you.

Your D is bullying and manipulating you and the only one who can stop her is you.