Lost all hope

It's true @25Avalon AC is still in contact with me letting me know how disappointed he is in me for the way I choose to live my life, while at the same time saying the conversation is pointless because I don't live as they suggest ( let myself be controlled by them) AC has tried to put a wedge in my marriage and cannot bring themselves to speak to my DH who sacrificed much to bring them up in the absence of a loving, stable or solvent Father.

I haven't lost hope entirely. It may be that AC needs to mature, learn tolerance and work through letting people live their life as they want to, being ok with people thinking different things. To learn that people can be different but still love each other (In the past AC has got really upset with me for not believing the same beliefs as them)

It may also be that there is no hope in that relationship, but there is hope in other things and in general where there's life there is hope.

If they want to let go, I think we should let them go. If they continue to message as mine does, then I think we need to let go of any expectations and just be glad for a message (if it's a nice one!)

If the messages are unkind and not beneficial then it's good to put a distance there.

I think you are right Onward. Sometimes we have to accept that we are not going to achieve a reconciliation despite our best efforts and move on. It can take a long time of agonising to come to this point but you can’t keep beating yourself up and getting nothing back. Ultimately it’s best to let go as the other party obviously wish.

I havent seen them in person for years, but get constant texts from AC when they are away , which was giving me hope. When we became estranged they suddenly prevented us seeing GC just after GC had a wonderful time at our house and didnt want to go home. I think AC was jealous of the bond and tried to break it. AC also told me their spouses parents were jealous. I don't think we did anything apart from be wonderfully fun and loving.

In a way, I'm relieved because I'm free from the head games and false hope. They do not appreciate us, so time to be with people who do. Enough time has been wasted hoping and thinking a bridge was being built, when perhaps they were just playing cruel head games or using us to get validation by showing off when they were in another country bored or lonely.

I was talking to a lady yesterday who spoke of estrangement in her immediate family. As a third person she said it had been caused by a very strong willed DIL and a very strong willed MIL who clashed constantly because neither would allow the other space. The DS carried on seeing the father in secret as they were both chilled characters. The lady spoke of setting strong boundaries and focussing on her own life. She said it did not cancel the past but made her feel secure for the present and future and also left the door open if the estranged family wanted to return.

Onward, what a very sad situation. I didn't want to ignore you but I feel at a loss as its a cat and mouse. Maybe a message to say, you feel hurt they want nothing to do with you,
again as you had your hopes raised when you received texts from then but they have said they never want to see you again and now understand they want no further contact. You will respect their wishes. Tell them you're having a new phone number so you wont be temped to text them under the circumstances..I would just block on my phone though. That way they are in no doubt its fully their wishes you are adhering to and its not what you want. Its hard breaking contact, I had to but only then could I rebuild, without false hopes, otherwise this will play on. I don't know what has caused your breakup but uts obviously nothing you can fix,

PS I refused Ac's offer to meet for five minutes out of obligation because what would be the point if AC begrudges it? Also GC only wanted me, not my partner , said GC and DW would not be there and I don't drive! Then AC said they didn't really want to and didn't have anything to say so I said not to worry.

I don't want to force anything.

I have a bit of a wierd problem. AC & I have been estranged, then suddenly AC travels for work a lot and when away they message me A LOT showing me things/ places/nice food etc. I respond positively, feeling hopeful that we are going forward, then they return to the UK each time and go silent. Then it happens again next time they go away. Same pattern. Has videocalled and phoned a few times when spouse not there. Not sure if AC's spouse hates me ?

Today I got to the bottom of it. Apparently everything is worse when I am "NEAR" because AC blames me and his dad for divorcing when they were a toddler .

Today AC says they do not want to see me at all , ever. So I feel like they use me for attention/validation/to feel important when they are abroad only or extremely bored or too lazy to amuse GC! While I hoped we were working on the relationship, apparently I'm a terrible person and there is no hope. I have been accused of many things just for enquiring about getting together, but I genuinely believed there was hope or I wouldn't have tried.

So I knew AC were back in the UK and decided to ask if we could get together somewhere. I have now been put in my place and been told Im not welcome at their home (havent been there anyway and didn't ask to go) and that they don't want to visit ours. I'm a bit shocked and wish I hadn't been SO available to chat, if all I was was a bit of amusement or just being lead up the garden path.

AC said they would meet on neutral territory for five minutes to say hello out of obligation, but that they didn't really have anything to say. The thing is they NEVER say anything face to face, but text endlessly when they're away for work. I was replying, thinking we were building the relationship, but this has made me not want to.

Problem is, I'm still getting loads of texts sent ( mostly bad) and I don't want to ignore AC but I cant seem to do right for doing wrong. AC is very insecure, needs a lot of validation from a distance but thats all they want. Question is, should I put up with it as I am the villain and so is my ex? Apparently we are treated the same but both married again for decades and dont talk.

You had to try. How could you do otherwise in the circumstances. You tried. You can never hold this against yourself. Nonetheless it is sad and hurtful to be rejected in this way.

The hurt never goes Celieanne but we can learn to live with it and concentrate on those who do want to be with us rather than wasting time concentrating on someone who doesn’t.
Being estranged from my daughter and two grandchildren breaks my heart but I know from speaking to others that she is getting on with her life so we intend to get on with ours with our other daughters and grandchildren.
Life really is too short x

I don't think the hurt ever goes away Celieanne but in our experience it gets easier with time.

We've been estranged from our son and only GC for 11.5 years and accepting that there was nothing we could have done to prevent it, and that there's nothing we can do to change it, enabled us to rebuild our lives.

Concentrate on those you love who love you in return. Your son sounds very unpleasant to have treated your friend so rudely.

Sorry should be other great grandchildren I have four and their mums have loved my offerings and asked for more 🥹

My youngest son hasn’t spoke to me for over two years he ignores all my attempts to contact him and my daughter in law and three grandchildren do the same. I have never missed birthdays or Christmas for all of them and now there is a baby boy my son’s grandchild which I heard of from my hair dresser ( and yes that did hurt). As I love crochet I have followed a tradition of making pretty blankets for each grandchild and now other grandchildren. As I am disabled and not able to go to my sons house my friend offered to take the latest offering, she knocked on his door my son answered it she said nicely hello your mums send this for the baby handed it to him beautifully wrapped he looked at it glanced at her and shut the door in her face. I am mortified, humiliated and hurt for my friend. She is dreadfully upset for me. When will I learn, and when will the hurt go away. 😰

Still it is hard but when relationships don't work we sometimes have to step back and realise we are hurting ourselves by trying

Focus on the good relationships you have and what makes you happy

So sorry. We have been estranged from one of our daughters for many years, she is also estranged from her sisters. Saturday was her birthday. As usual we sent her vouchers and wished her a lovely day. We haven’t forgotten one birthday or Xmas though she never acknowledges anything, we also send our two granddaughters presents on their birthdays and at Xmas. Our other daughters keep telling us to stop this but at least by doing this we feel we are keeping some kind of channel open, just in case. But we do respect her boundaries and have never tried to see her in person though she does live a distance away so the scenario you mention has never occurred. Am not sure that my head would have overruled my heart in your position.
Wouldn’t beat yourself up for going over to him, we pussy foot around their feelings all the time, and yet our feelings can be trampled on.
Sending you 🤗 x

Hi, yes I have been to counselling, wrote letters etc. The counselling really helped as I came up with the mantra. "I have a 42 year old son with a mental health condition, who has a job, a house and two son who adore him.". It brings me a lot of comfort in difficult times.
Yes violetsky he has boundaries - when he left the house he saw me in the car, crossed the road and walked to the garage I had to irrisitable urge to speak to him in the hope that we could reconcile but you are right with my head on instead of my heart I should have stayed in the car

It's ok, no one said that

I did say that he may have felt ambushed because that might explain his reaction but no one thinks Still intended that

No I don't think she did either Allsorts.

you have my sympathy no matter what you do you get it thrown back at you sadly all you can do is let them me and hope one day they will return lots of hugs xx

I don't think Still ambushed a son she hadn't seen for years. I give up! You did nothing wrong, he has Still, He is not worth your tears, worry about looking after yourself. Let him get on with it.

Still

Thank you all for your supportive comments and hugs. I realise that this is the next phase and yes I will go on to accept what has happened. I guess it was the initial shock of his words.

It’s sad, but sometimes people do what they do. Best just avoid him next time, to stop being hurt again.

Best wishes.💐

It takes time Still and you need to protect yourself from any further pain and anguish by not reaching out to him again.

Your son has set a clear boundary with you that he does not want to see or speak to you. To him that probably felt like an ambush.

I would recommend a different approach, if you want to reconcile you could have a think about what the relationship was like and what changes need to be made for both of you to feel happy in it.

A good counsellor could help you to unpick the relationship and find where the issues were.

After that perhaps you could try a letter addressing any issues and any changes you would make for the future.

It isn't cruel for him to ask you not to speak to him when he has made it clear he doesn't want a relationship but it is painful for you and help is available

Thank you all for your supportive comments and hugs. I realise that this is the next phase and yes I will go on to accept what has happened. I guess it was the initial shock of his words.

I think you need a BIG (((hug))) too GrannyIvy .

We can’t change how others behave, even if we don’t know why they are doing it. You can’t dance around them, trying to appease.

He is what he is.

Just try to get on with a happy life, and let him get on with it.

Sympathies though. 💐