Red flags

VS, I like the way you word that and it's exactly why I ended up estranging.

When you are raised to accept certain behaviors it can be hard to recognize why the relationship is toxic. It's literally programmed into you to sweep issues under the rug and blindly accept what your elders say and do. My parents had that programmed into them too, but they never learned better. They technically still could change but I'd eat my shoes if it happened.

After meeting my husband, I finally learned how unhealthy the dynamic was. I was not used to someone actually talking things out with me and working to resolve disagreements. Once I knew what it felt like to have those things, the deficiencies in the family dynamic became impossible to ignore.

"I'm sorry" without excuses or downplaying was unheard of in my home growing up. Nothing ever changed or got better. I learned very young not to express how I felt because it literally didn't matter. If I hadn't met my husband and his friends I would have never learned that it wasn't normal or healthy.

Turns out, if you want to be forgiven for "not being perfect" you actually have to actively acknowledge the mistakes you've made and then work on changing. Who knew?

Relationships can be outlines in such simple terms that it's so sad people can't make them positive

Trust needs Honesty
Love needs Action
Sorry needs Change

People are human and make mistakes. Many things are forgivable, but without any one of those 6 building blocks we know they aren't a safe person to be around and keeping those in mind it is very easy to see who really is not a good person

Misunderstanding what you have said (either genuinely or pretending to) and then, when you offer further explanation to clarify, they imply or state directly that you are lying/have a problem/ are oversensitive/ are changing the goalposts or similar. And then they just stop engaging. Both online and in "real life"!

Definitely a red flag.

Blowing up at the slightest criticism, especially when you are trying to help them

I feel unsafe around people who make knee jerk judgements about others. Have had this done to me and know how damaging this can be.

Ladyleftfieldlover

I know what you mean about religious people, sometimes. I consider myself a liberal Christian. So anyone who is anti women, gay marriage etc., would find it difficult to get on with me. I had to stop being friends with an old friend when he accused me of being an unfit mother. He didn’t think my daughter should study Theology at University if she had to learn about faiths other than Christianity!

unbelievable.. but sadly resonates with me as a young person only being allowed to mix socially with people of my parents faith.. No wonder I've been a Buddhist and member of an interfaith group for 40 years...

I hope your daughter disagreed with him...

Ladyleftfieldlover

I know what you mean about religious people, sometimes. I consider myself a liberal Christian. So anyone who is anti women, gay marriage etc., would find it difficult to get on with me. I had to stop being friends with an old friend when he accused me of being an unfit mother. He didn’t think my daughter should study Theology at University if she had to learn about faiths other than Christianity!

I think religion/faith can either make people better or worse to get on with. I've met so many different types:-

1) The kind and good who actually live out their faith and it shows in their actions, so everyone who knows them knows their beliefs without them needing to talk about them. They are kind and non judgemental.

2) The bible basher who talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk but wants everyone to know they are knowledgeable because it's a smoke screen for their double life. They are self serving.

3) the genuine bible basher who lives strictly and does their utmost to practise what they preach.

4) The extremely religious who don't exhibit the character of the one they say they serve, who attack anyone who's not easily controlled or bully anyone who they don't think meets their criteria. These people often are judgemental of anyone who they see as different to themselves and completely unloving and intolerant. They use gossip and smear tactics to try to isolate the person who they dislike and make a church like a club. They are self serving.

I prefer number one and number three, but have had extremely bad experiences with numbers two and four, who are only really using religion to serve themselves! Anyone know of any other "types"?

I know what you mean about religious people, sometimes. I consider myself a liberal Christian. So anyone who is anti women, gay marriage etc., would find it difficult to get on with me. I had to stop being friends with an old friend when he accused me of being an unfit mother. He didn’t think my daughter should study Theology at University if she had to learn about faiths other than Christianity!

Any comment or action that makes you or others feel uncomfortable.

Someone who states their opinions- particularly political - as facts without thinking that there might be an opposing view.

In my experience people who are unsafe often wave a bible and emphasize how "christian" they are while they have a secret life as abusers.
So a red flag would be someone banging on about their faith because actions speak louder than words. If they were living it, you would see it reflected in their (happy) wife and kids and their own (full and balanced) life. Some people just use the wife as a cover for their other activities. They are a scourge on society and their lies are a trap for anyone who knows them.

People who try to control you:
“I’ve bought us tickets for this show….”
“Why don’t you get a pixie cut?”
“We should go to Barcelona for the weekend…”

Talking about themselves incessantly , snapping at you , lying , being manipulative , not taking no for an answer....
This describes the "friend " who wants me to move down to the West Country with her .
I'm not exactly enthralled with the idea !

Sorry, but this has become ridiculous, all these posts containing as many as 6 other people's views which would have been already read. Would anyone really click them all on and read them if they had the time even.
If you come across unpleasant behaviour of anyone, you don't have to endure it.

No, there’s a lot of things that make people unpleasant to be around, but, I agree, it doesn’t make them unsafe. It’s just better to steer clear, and let them get on with it.

Truly unsafe, to me, would be anyway who was physically or sexually unsafe to be around - someone who is a real threat to me or those I love.

Luckily, I’ve not been involved, in my personal life, with people like that particularly.🙂

...or those who ask my opinion, refuse to listen to any of my reasons for it and then proceed to tell me where I am wrong

For me a huge red flag is when it's always someone else's fault.
I've known a number of people over the year's who've displayed a total lack of responsibility for anything, always blaming somebody or something else. It's a trait that I really don't like at all.

Indigo8

valdavi I agree that "unsafe" may be a bit strong, depending on how you define the word. I also think that most of us have been guilty wittingly or unwittingly of at least some of the unpleasant behaviours we have condemned.

My definition of unsafe is when someone is excessively and unremittingly insensitive, unpleasant and demanding to such an extent that they become unable to have normal working relationships or friendships. Perhaps it is difficult not to be judgemental when faced with this behaviour on a regular, long term basis.

This not to say that most of us behave impeccably. I cringe with embarrassment when I think of some of things I have said and done and I am sure I am not alone in this.

You're right and I'm sure I'm on the list somewhere as well.

I think unsafe means different things to different people. We are not all as resilient as others, so what may decimate one person may not ruffle another.

I agree with your second paragraph Indigo.

Someone maybe unpleasant to be around but that doesn't mean they're unsafe.

People are adding to it, it's not one trait that makes a person unsafe to be around... Just red flags to consider when evaluating that for yourself

If that makes sense

valdavi I agree that "unsafe" may be a bit strong, depending on how you define the word. I also think that most of us have been guilty wittingly or unwittingly of at least some of the unpleasant behaviours we have condemned.

My definition of unsafe is when someone is excessively and unremittingly insensitive, unpleasant and demanding to such an extent that they become unable to have normal working relationships or friendships. Perhaps it is difficult not to be judgemental when faced with this behaviour on a regular, long term basis.

This not to say that most of us behave impeccably. I cringe with embarrassment when I think of some of things I have said and done and I am sure I am not alone in this.

If everyone with any of the faults mentioned above is "unsafe", I think we'd better all retreat to our hermit's cells & lock ourselves in. Is being excessively judgemental an unsafe trait?

A red flag for me is when someone asks about your holiday , new kitchen , kids, you start to rely and they interrupt and tell you about their , holiday , new kitchen , kids. A work colleague used to do this .
Another one is people bitching about those who are supposed to be their friends, behind their backs. You can bet that they will bitch about you , when you’re not there .

Ladyleftfieldlover

OnwardandUpward

DiamondLily

OnwardandUpward

I lived in a village, for a while, which had a parish council…I steered well clear because of how unpleasant it was.

Silly really.🙄

Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear that but I totally understand. Very silly, but I'm not shocked because some of the most unpleasant and unkind people I've met have been church wardens. I think they have missed the point of church.

If I was going to attend a church I'd be watching the character of its leaders to see whether I could respect them and whether they are kind or respectful to their congregation and visitors or whether it's a power trip and "bums on seats".

Priests as well! I was at a funeral a couple of weeks ago. There was a silent cheer (there is such a thing) when it was announced that the unpopular vicar couldn’t take the service. The Rural Dean did it instead.

Wow, well I suppose like in any work place there are bad workers, it's just that priests seem to have more protection than most.

In the same way older people's eye sight gets tested to make sure they are fit to be on the road, Vicars ought to be interviewed at least yearly to make sure they are keeping the faith and fit for purpose.

OnwardandUpward

DiamondLily

OnwardandUpward

I lived in a village, for a while, which had a parish council…I steered well clear because of how unpleasant it was.

Silly really.🙄

Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear that but I totally understand. Very silly, but I'm not shocked because some of the most unpleasant and unkind people I've met have been church wardens. I think they have missed the point of church.

If I was going to attend a church I'd be watching the character of its leaders to see whether I could respect them and whether they are kind or respectful to their congregation and visitors or whether it's a power trip and "bums on seats".

Priests as well! I was at a funeral a couple of weeks ago. There was a silent cheer (there is such a thing) when it was announced that the unpopular vicar couldn’t take the service. The Rural Dean did it instead.