Daughter won't communicate with me at all

Just be respectful of people's feelings, don't be judgemental, don’t assume that all people estranged deserve it in someway or are abusers. I know that there are very bad parents and also children that are nightmares. Generally to post on an estrangement forum, you are probably feeling very alone as it’s not something you are thinking of. Believe me when you are estranged by someone you examine every reason possible for it and are your own worst critic.

I agree Allsorts.

Exactly Allsorts I mean it isn't rocket science is it and do some of the posters actually speak to others in RL, the way they respond to some online with a name that isn't their own?

Yes Allsorts, we do beat ourselves up, examining every word and action, finding fault with everything we ever said or did until we have no confidence or self esteem.
And yes to Smileless, it isn’t rocket science, when we come on here we are engaging with real people, most of whom, on these threads, are desperate for a non -judgemental voice and understanding.

If only we'd known that there'd be so many willing and able to examine every word and action, and find fault with everything we've said we've done or said here on these threads, we could have saved ourselves the trouble Babs.

We also could have saved ourselves the trouble of virtually destroying our own confidence and self esteem, because they're pretty good at doing that too.

But they’re not good at it Smileless, didn’t want to become engaged with what was going on with this thread but had to get involved because for once I realised that those judging us and being critical are not actually in a position of strength, they wouldn’t attack us if they were, they are the ones who are weak, attacking others to make themselves look stronger.
But we have suffered a baptism of fire and survived. We are stronger. We have to be.
Take care xx

Smileless2012

I don't agree that everyone in each group is supposed to think and act the same fancythat.

The only way I see them expected to act the same is to be respectful of one another's opinions and sensitive to one another's pain that's being shared.

As this thread and many others in the past have demonstrated, this isn't always the case when it comes to EP's posting on this forum.

^I don't agree that everyone in each group is supposed to think and act the same fancythat.

I dont either. That is part the point of my post.

I agree with you. And go further.
I dont know why it even matters whether someone is talking from the point of view of an EP, or the point of view of an EAC.
What difference does it make?

What does it matter?
All that matters is whether someone is acting badly to another person, or not.

It shouldn't make a difference and it wouldn't if everyone regardless of their estrangement status was treated with respect and kindness, even if there's a lack of understanding, but that isn't always the case.

After being estranged from our eldest daughter, my sister and many members of my family, I have reached the conclusion that EACs don’t bear the burden of proof, they can accuse parents of all kinds of things and most people will believe them and trust their word. Few questions asked.
Which in all reality is a good thing because some EACs are abused and should be believed. But for EPs there is always the burden of proof, if they accuse their ACs of abuse they can expect to be questioned, judged, and even when EPs put forward a pretty good case others will still think ‘ah, but something must have happened.’
So EPs live with a feeling of shame and guilt as well as the pain of estrangement. Is the worst feeling we have been through.
I imagine is like men who suffer domestic abuse at the hands of their female partner/spouse, the same taboo and feelings of shame and guilt because who will believe you, who will trust your testimony?

EACs are not believed. We believe each other, so maybe that's what you experience. But I don't speak about it outside of my close circle because there are so many negative and dismissing comments. "but they are your parents" or "they did the best they could" or "there's no manual for parenting" or "won't you feel bad when they die" or "they did everything for you" etc etc. I heard them all. As I've come to see the truth those comments mean nothing. It's a bunch of uninformed people speaking nonsense.

Also, the idea that EAC's 'examine every word and action, and find fault with everything we've said we've done or said here on these threads' is an interesting projection.

How long has it been since this thread was actually about the OP?

Smileless2012

It shouldn't make a difference and it wouldn't if everyone regardless of their estrangement status was treated with respect and kindness, even if there's a lack of understanding, but that isn't always the case.

As you know, I’ve estranged people, I’ve dealt with a “bouncing estrangement” for 18 years (wearing 🙄) and I’ve dealt with my ex estranging our adult kids. And other varities of it all.

So, I can see things from all sides.

But, if someone comes on here, asking for support, I don’t accuse them of “must knowing” with why they’ve been estranged, or being deluded/liars. 🤷‍♀️

It’s unkind and it’s unnecessary.

I’m not sure what people get out of derailing/disrupting a thread get out of it. They must be lacking in their own lives with personal happiness. 🙄

EleanorRose I don’t have any wise words for you but I understand the agonies that must be going through your mind and it may not be your fault at all.
I could not just pass by.
I feel for you; rarely does a Mother deserve such treatment. Most of us just do the best we can. 💐 xx

No, it isn't a projection User, the evidence is here on this thread and what's been said to you has not been said to any EAC or the partners of those who've estranged here.

I do agree with you though about a bunch of uninformed people speaking nonsense.

Yes DL, you've experienced estrangement from all 'sides' so to speak. I have no idea why some derail and disrupt threads but I do wonder if it's because as you say they've not found personal happiness and perhaps resent those EP's who have.

That's a lovely post Tilly and I hope Eleanor is still reading and sees it.

You say User that EAC believe one another, well I and the other EP's on GN believe one another and the EAC who post here.

Why wouldn't we? We believe because we don't judge everyone who does estrange based on our personal experience of those who estranged us.

^Why wouldn't we? We believe because we don't judge everyone who does estrange based on our personal experience of those who estranged us.

^

As a complete outsider to all this, quite frankly, if people judge a situation based purely on whether a poster[or anyone else for that matter in real life] is a EP or an EAC, well there is literally no hope for anything, anyone, or any situation about it all.

Bias of the highest order.

I meant to put in the middle of that, Smileless2012, absolutely, to her comment.

Bridie22

This thread needs removing GN, it is now being used to intimidate and cause offence to other posters.
VS is quite capable of speaking for herself and doesn't need her backing group to do it for her.
This thread was about communication, its turned into an attack on estranged parents and anybody who dares to challenge VS on her views,

A backing group of her own making 😉

Well, I'm neither sock puppet nor backing group. I directed one observation toward Violet and the rest of what I shared was my own opinions, all focused on the topic of communication, so I don't think I posted with nothing of value to offer. Personally, if I choose not to engage again, it won't be because I'm some "fan club" poster. It'll be because it's not really worth returning to share thoughts with people who don't seem all that interested or, for whatever reason, are so suspicious of the idea people could actually agree with Violet's comments that they start implying I'm just a made up person...

I don't think you posted with nothing of value to offer either Meseren. It was User who referred too a bunch of uninformed people speaking nonsense and as far as the posts that have now been deleted are concerned I agreed with her.

I also agree with others that they were made up posters; the names chosen being a big give away.

Thanks Smileless!

I interpreted that point as User making reference to the people in their life who make dismissive comments about their estrangement so I wasn't relating my comment to that anyway.

fancythat

^Why wouldn't we? We believe because we don't judge everyone who does estrange based on our personal experience of those who estranged us.

^

As a complete outsider to all this, quite frankly, if people judge a situation based purely on whether a poster[or anyone else for that matter in real life] is a EP or an EAC, well there is literally no hope for anything, anyone, or any situation about it all.

Bias of the highest order.

I don’t think it’s about judging as such….but if someone estranged posts, from any direction, anyone on here, or any forum, can only go on what’s been posted.

I’m not going to jump on and accuse them of lying/delusion.

But, a lot of these recent posts have been more about trolling/sockpuppets - call it what you will. 🤷‍♀️. (The silly names gave it away).

Which is shame for the OP, who has since left. 🙄

Yes it is a shame for the OP DL, and to a lesser extent a shame for those who took the time and trouble to respond in a reasonable manner.

Yes, I don’t understand those people just hell bent on disrupting a post, asking for help, on a forum.

I guess the mantra of “be kind” has faded now.🙄

Anyway.

@EleanorRose lisy

@EleanorRose

If your daughter wants a relationship with her Dad and he wants one. Take a deep breath and let them.