Daughter won't communicate with me at all

@EleanorRose
You may also find that if you were told whatever the reasons are that they make no sense and have no basis in reality. Finding out may not help, sometimes it can be other pressures which are nothing to do with you but with other people in their life.

And it can also be projection. Look after yourself as a priority. Get your strength back so you can live your life without fear.

My mother could be a nightmare, but I’ve never held her responsible for things that left me feeling embarrassed or ashamed of any actions I took. 🤷‍♀️

I did whatever I did, as an adult - it was no one else’s fault.🙂

VioletSky

I really think you should take that counselling for yourself, a good counsellor may be able to help you put the pieces together and deal with your grief.

There are some potential reasons your daughter hasn't given reasons, it could be that she didn't think you were able to hear the reasons, perhaps she has tried to share issues with you in the last and you haven't been receptive. She could believe that you should already know the reasons. She could be just not ready to talk about those reasons with you because it will hurt her or hurt you

All you can do is work on yourself and the relationships close to you. Unfortunately in life some people just do not get on and being family doesn't mean anyone has to continue a relationship

I hope things improve

Wholeheartedly agree.

Which is awful VS but there's nothing to suggest that is the case here, and not very helpful or supportive for EleanorRose for anyone to suggest there is.

you need to see someone to talk to, you can't wake up every morning feeling like this.

Being around my mother always made me feel embarrassed, ashamed and not good enough

Caleo

Smilless, that is sort of what I mean. To be embarrassed or ashamed means to be fearful of them. Lack of self esteem is caused by fear.

Not always. I’m sure we all do things, through life, that, afterwards, might cause us to feel embarrassed/ashamed. No one is perfect. Nothing to do with fear of others or lack of self-esteem..

It’s being able to admit it and apologise that is the positive move.🙂

As a passenger in the estrangement boat I can fully sympathise with you. As she is in contact with her siblings, is there one of them who might be able to shed some light on why she is behaving as she is? She may have spoken to them about it.

Not always Caleo one doesn't have to be driven by fear to be ashamed or embarrassed by one's actions, it's just as likely to be knowing the difference between right and wrong.

Smilless, that is sort of what I mean. To be embarrassed or ashamed means to be fearful of them. Lack of self esteem is caused by fear.

Or maybe she's embarrassed or ashamed Caleo.

GrandeTante wrote:
"Our son cut all contact with us both for a year and a half, when he was thirty - then one day got in touch again and explained that we had not done anything wrong, but that he didn't want to admit the mess he was in!"

Maybe your daughter is afraid of you; maybe she is afraid you expect too much of her.

I agree about care needed regarding the siblings grandtante. It wont be easy for them knowing that the OP's D is refusing contact and seeing the affect it's having on their parents.

I really think you should take that counselling for yourself, a good counsellor may be able to help you put the pieces together and deal with your grief.

There are some potential reasons your daughter hasn't given reasons, it could be that she didn't think you were able to hear the reasons, perhaps she has tried to share issues with you in the last and you haven't been receptive. She could believe that you should already know the reasons. She could be just not ready to talk about those reasons with you because it will hurt her or hurt you

All you can do is work on yourself and the relationships close to you. Unfortunately in life some people just do not get on and being family doesn't mean anyone has to continue a relationship

I hope things improve

Sadly, there is nothing you can do right now.

Our son cut all contact with us both for a year and a half, when he was thirty - then one day got in touch again and explained that we had not done anything wrong, but that he didn't want to admit the mess he was in!

So, I hope and trust your daughter will come back soon.

Don't give up hope, but do be careful discussing her with your other children. They may know why their sister has made this decision or they may not, and if they do know, they may have been told in confidence, or not wish to hurt you by passing on information.

Try to focus on the children who are willing to have a relationship with you and less on the estranged one.

In your situation I think I would have a serious talk with one of her siblings - they may well have information that they will not disclose ( out of loyalty to their sister) but if you ask they may spill the beans. You are at the very least entitled to an explanation from your DD. Only then can you begin to mend your relationship. I wish you and your family good luck in this distressing situation.💐

Often we say we have no idea of the why simple because we were never told “I’m not speaking to you because “ without any further examination. What was the relationship like just prior to the cut off ? Think hard on this one - not at what you perceived the relationship to be at the time think about how happy or otherwise she seemed with it. Does. She communicate with your
Husband or are you saying maybe one day she will ? Surely a shes said something to others - husband siblings etc. if knowing the cause matters you must have a way to know?

It’s interesting to me that you don’t know the reason or why’s and yet say she insinuated you’re mentally ill. Perhaps this is part of the reason she’s cut contact. She believes you to be mentally ill. What mass her think that - what is she saying when she insinuates this? I’d start there with what you do know.

I am wondering about the siblings? How much and in what depth have you spoken to them? Are they protecting you I wonder? Maybe there are things people are afraid to confront here, I don't know.
It seems odd that just one child has done this to you.
Your DH could be right, be maybe he also doesn't want to confront things.
I can't offer any solutions here.
How long has this been going on? I suspect for a while if you have been to counselling.
I think if your daughter is communicating with other family members then leave them to deal with it.
Is she in touch with your DH?
If so, then I would play the waiting game and meanwhile work on your postive relationships with other members of your family.

So sorry you are in this situation

Put your healing journey first, don't delay.

Your idea of a therapist, even solo, is fantastic.

Even knowing why, may not give you the closure you think you need

I've had that, it was 4 yrs till my daughter would speak to me again & the time before that it was 2 yrs. The 2nd time she would not even let me see my grandchildren.
I knew that one day my grandchildren would be able to visit by themselves, but it hurt when one day she said to me on the phone that my youngest granddaughter wanted to play nail varnish with me but my daughter didn't want her to see me.
It hurts and although I love my daughter just like the others I'm always wary about what the next time she decides not to speak to me. She does have a personality disorder and a drink problem though, and the NHS have paid for her to have treatment, so it's not something she denies.

If it was me I would be devastated my two are married with children and are my life.
My family and friends have experienced this problem it has on a few occasions been caused by their in laws.
As suggested I think have a family get together to see if you can find a solution. I hope you do take care.

How dreadful for you, and sadly, how common this is becoming.

I have no advice, but wish you so much love xx

Unless your daughter tells you the reason/s is or are, it’s going to be difficult.

As others have said, perhaps other family members might know what going on with her. If she think you are mentally ill, she surely would have mentioned it to others.🤷‍♀️. What does your husband think about your mental health?

As others have also said, it’s not a good idea to just reconcile under any old terms - she needs to explain, and you need a full and frank discussion about how to move forward.

‘Bouncing estrangement” where it’s on and off, on a whim, causes more uncertainty and stress.

Best wishes. 💐

Hello EleanorRose. I'm so very sorry that you are going through this. Six months is still early days, the pain is raw and intensified when you have no idea why this is happening.

It's extremely difficult for siblings seeing their heartbroken parents struggling to cope so as hard as it is to resist doing so, I would only talk about this with them if they start the conversation.

Tuaim's suggestion of looking at surrounding circumstances is a good one, and may give you some insight into what has led to this.

As all of your suggestions have been rejected by her, there's nothing more you can do at this stage but wait and see if your husband is right.

I do think that Babs is right in that if and when she does want to talk with a view to reconciliation, that you don't allow any false accusations to go unchallenged. You have the right to defend yourself and it would not be a good foundation for a healthy relationship going forward to do otherwise.

You say you think she may eventually want to reconcile with her father, but fear she wont with you. You need to discuss this possibility with him so you can both be honest about how you would feel if this were to be the case. How he could feel seeing your D knowing that she wont see you, and how you would feel knowing that this was the case. I don't think it would be easy for either of you, and hope it doesn't come to this .

This is very sad, I know how devastated I would be in the same situation.
I think you need an honest discussion with your husband and other children together.
Someone will know why your daughter is behaving in this way.

My mother was impossible because she had NPD, I wish someone in the family had been able to tell her what was wrong with her and the damage she was causing to herself and other people.
As with all narcissists she was sure she was always right and everyone else was to blame.