Daughter won't communicate with me at all

I think we probably know less of the real truth about that family than you do mine Diamondlily

VioletSky

The act of dismissing another person's experience/concerns/feelings in a relationship by saying "recollections may vary" or similar is an absolutely sire fire way to destroy your own relationship

The truth is that those feelings are real to the other person, that's how they perceived events and if you don't meet them at least half way by thinking you are somehow "right" in all things, then you have put yourself first

"Recollections may vary" works both ways and if you aren't truly listening to the other person and making an effort to understand their perspective, it may be your recollection at fault

But recollections DO vary and when the door has already been closed on the relationship by the AC then it's inevitable that parents look for answers.

Some parents are not given a choice. Indeed there can be an ascending list of 'wrongs' which merge into one another - hence creating impossible hurdles for parents to jump over.

There's no remit of being right in everything all the time, quite the contrary. Listening and understanding has been key to our attempts to find answers. Not everyone's situation is the same and not truly listening can be from both sides.

Some people are of course, content out of family relationships and that's fine. Detonating a grenade on the way out is pretty vengeful.

RubyLegend that comment doesn't mention either estranged parents or estranged children, my situation happens to be myself estranging from my mother but what I said applies across the board in relationships

So I am not sure what your point is there?

VioletSky

RubyLegend that comment doesn't mention either estranged parents or estranged children, my situation happens to be myself estranging from my mother but what I said applies across the board in relationships

So I am not sure what your point is there?

I am expressing my view of your comments. It's what I took from them.

We may be talking at cross purposes but I am on a parenting forum and come from the perspective of an estranged parent. Therefore my views reflect that.

I shy away from absolutes and am expressing my feelings having read your post. I don't agree that all issues can be applied across the board.

I respect you have a different view and come from a different experience.

RubyLegend This forum is "estrangement" and it is open for everyone

It's not a parenting website either

Estranged children become grandparents too or old enough to be a grandparent as I am and the websites rules don't discriminate against anyone anyway, it's open to join

So there is no priority perspective here

My perspective does not come from my estrangement either, just who I am as a person and what my values are

VioletSky

DiamondLily

From what I’ve read, Prince Harry kept a diary of, in his opinion, what was said and done and by whom.

Some of his diarised “facts” were later disproved, and recollections still varied.🙄

I am not Prince Harry and neither are other abuse victims

Besides, it is police advice to keep a diary as evidence when there is domestic violence

Yes, you are right. I worked in DV. But, they advise a log of factual happenings, usually with corroboration, or evidence, not musings about the feelings of the diarist.

Two different things,

RubyLegend

VioletSky

The act of dismissing another person's experience/concerns/feelings in a relationship by saying "recollections may vary" or similar is an absolutely sire fire way to destroy your own relationship

The truth is that those feelings are real to the other person, that's how they perceived events and if you don't meet them at least half way by thinking you are somehow "right" in all things, then you have put yourself first

"Recollections may vary" works both ways and if you aren't truly listening to the other person and making an effort to understand their perspective, it may be your recollection at fault

But recollections DO vary and when the door has already been closed on the relationship by the AC then it's inevitable that parents look for answers.

Some parents are not given a choice. Indeed there can be an ascending list of 'wrongs' which merge into one another - hence creating impossible hurdles for parents to jump over.

There's no remit of being right in everything all the time, quite the contrary. Listening and understanding has been key to our attempts to find answers. Not everyone's situation is the same and not truly listening can be from both sides.

Some people are of course, content out of family relationships and that's fine. Detonating a grenade on the way out is pretty vengeful.

RubyLegend - you will probably get more support, on the actual thread. Everyone on there, usually, understands what being estranged from ACs is all about.

It’s less combative. 🙂

Diamondlily no need for things to be combative on any thread. It's just a discussion

Yes by diary I meant a diary of things that were actually said or visually happened which can be useful for any abuse victim due to abusers need to twist things and gaslight their victims

In modern day this is much easier, a lot of conversations happen via text and can be easily shown to others able to help and see through abusive behaviour

@DiamondLily

Yes is definitely more supportive of parents estranged from ACs on the other thread. Would also suggest the OP tries on there

Babs03

@DiamondLily

Yes is definitely more supportive of parents estranged from ACs on the other thread. Would also suggest the OP tries on there

What to your mind constitutes correct support and advice?

Does one have to be an estranged parent for their advice/support to be valid for you?

Why would that be preferable to a range of opinions and help?

@VioletSky
Am simply stating a fact in agreement with a prior poster.
Have not read through all posts so far so am not sure where you are coming from with this.
In any case we seem to have moved a long way from helping/advising the OP, who sounds at her wits end so would probs benefit from going on the other thread.

Does one have to be an estranging adult child for their advice/support to be valid for you VS?

Smileless2012

Does one have to be an estranging adult child for their advice/support to be valid for you VS?

Of course not! That's why I joined a forum open to everyone impacted by estrangement

Babs03

@VioletSky
Am simply stating a fact in agreement with a prior poster.
Have not read through all posts so far so am not sure where you are coming from with this.
In any case we seem to have moved a long way from helping/advising the OP, who sounds at her wits end so would probs benefit from going on the other thread.

Simply replying to previous comments

If you were to read back we were discussing how to really listen to each other and understand that different perspectives do not mean that people cannot meet in the middle

Much like these threads really...

We are all estranged and there are many middle grounds

VioletSky

Diamondlily no need for things to be combative on any thread. It's just a discussion

Yes by diary I meant a diary of things that were actually said or visually happened which can be useful for any abuse victim due to abusers need to twist things and gaslight their victims

In modern day this is much easier, a lot of conversations happen via text and can be easily shown to others able to help and see through abusive behaviour

I didn’t know it was combative really,

I was suggesting for the OP, she would get more actual support from the support thread.🤷‍♀️

But, yes, I agree - if anything is mailed or texted, it’s much more relevant than personal feelings about relationships, especially where law enforcement is concerned.

Diamondlily Today 16:42

"It's less combative"

Yes, text makes the best evidence

Babs03

@DiamondLily

Yes is definitely more supportive of parents estranged from ACs on the other thread. Would also suggest the OP tries on there

Yes, these more general threads can bring in different points of view. Nothing wrong with that. Various people have a view on what the OP has written.

But, for ongoing support, the support thread is best.

VioletSky

Diamondlily Today 16:42

"It's less combative"

Yes, text makes the best evidence

It certainly does with law enforcement. Not sure other than that. 🤷‍♀️

Generally, open threads on here have many opinions, which is fine, as I have stated in another post - the support thread is JUST about support for EPs. Although you don’t go on there, I’m sure you know that.

But have a nice day.🥂

No I don't visit the support thread very often, I'm not estranged from my children and wouldn't really understand what people are going through because that relationship is incredibly precious. It's not the same as growing up in an abusive household and being forced to estrange. Sometimes I visit when I think I can help someone find some truth

VioletSky

No I don't visit the support thread very often, I'm not estranged from my children and wouldn't really understand what people are going through because that relationship is incredibly precious. It's not the same as growing up in an abusive household and being forced to estrange. Sometimes I visit when I think I can help someone find some truth

Yes, the relationship between a parent and a child is incredibly precious, which is why, when it goes wrong, some people need the support of others that have been estranged. Who truly understand.

Those that haven’t gone through that, but estranged others, often for valid reasons, obviously have a different need and point of view.

Two different problems. 🙂

Yes, that's what I said Diamondlily

But when it comes to those hoping for reconciliation or understanding why it happens, different perspectives are invaluable

I can't say I fully understand why my mother chose to abuse her own daughter but this forum has led me to a deeper understanding of how she may have actually hidden her own fault and negative traits from herself. There are so many threads and there is so much to learn here

Yes, but all experiences and people are different. Your mother obviously had/has her issues, but many mothers (here and elsewhere), don’t have those issues.

With estrangement, sometimes it about the EPs. Sometimes the ACs. And others can be about mental health, addictions etc etc.

Every estrangement is different.🙂

Diamondlily I really have no idea why you are saying any of this to me

Which I'm sure is the reason Babs joined a forum for everyone impacted by estrangement VS. She never suggested that the only advice/support needs to come from an EP in order to be valid.

I just want to clarify that the support thread although originally started by an EP, is for anyone whose life has been affected in this way. Yes, the vast majority of those who post are EP's but there have been some supportive and informative contributions from EAC and people who have no personal experience of estrangement, as well as providing support for EAC.

VioletSky

Diamondlily I really have no idea why you are saying any of this to me

Because you were posting about your mother? So, I replied. And on that, I’ll wish you good night.🙂