Making new connections

Could you make a list of all the things that interest you/you are skilled at (art?) and gently tease out those that are in your locality. Then, perhaps ask to go as a guest and check out the vibe. Each group has a vibe. My first WI had a very bossy, rude president so I left and went to another a bus ride away and they are delightful. Also, the first U3A group I went to, also had a very bossy woman in charge, then I went to another and the convenor was so gentle and the ladies delightful. It is a bit of work but worth it if you are objective about it. It starts to fail when you become emotional or take offence. I always talk about the garden, baking, current affairs, our locality and listen politely to other people's stories as it save me talking. After a time you will get comfortable, but give it time. You have come so far and deserve a good life which you can make for yourself. Good luck!

You cant sort an addict out, that addiction will always come first. She has to do it for herself before you can have any relationship.
Why did you estrange from the other daughter ? If it’s not adduction, coukd you not swallow your pride and get in touch, what have you to lose? If it doesn't work out at least you will have tried. I know many wouldn't risk it and thats understandable because you feel you can't face being hurt again it and will have nothing in common. Only you can decide.
Last night i was out with three women, my-own age and the conversation was all their families, days out together and holidays too. I don’t think i can do it again, I come home depressed, no one knows how difficult it is when there's no one there., To be asked, as every one does , how many children have you and where they live, is it near, do you lie and say I don't talk about it, then the looks, or tell the truth and that awkward silence that’s saying your different.

Hello Francie. You have started a thread on the estrangement forum and when I first joined GN more than 11 years ago this particular forum didn't exist, but the fact that it does now, demonstrates just how many lives are affected by estrangement so you are not alone.

I'm not a mental health professional and for a long time was ashamed of being estranged by our youngest son. In all the years I've talked about estrangement here and elsewhere, I've never come across an EP who didn't experience the shame of which you speak.

16 years is a long time to be estranged and FWIW I don't find it strange that you didn't respond when your D contacted you. We'll have been estranged for 12 years this Christmas from our youngest son and only GC and I would not want to be contacted by him because like you, I wouldn't want to put my mental and physical health at risk again.

His estrangement nearly destroyed me, nearly destroyed his father too and I'm not ashamed to admit that the fear of him doing this to us again would be stronger than the love I have for him.

It took you 10 years to let go of any hope that you would be reconciled, that shows just how devastating being an EP can be and shows me, why you chose to ignore her when she contacted you.

As DL has posted Addiction is a huge barrier to maintaining relationships with other family members. I hope that at some point your other D will seek the help she needs and you'll be able to have a relationship again in the future.

There's more to talk about and to share when in the company of others than family so don't let any shame that you maybe feeling hold you back. You have nothing to be ashamed of so be proud of all that you've achieved in life and don't let your estrangements hold you back, and prevent you from living the rest of your life to the full .

Surely working in the field of MH, you understand that people have all sorts of vulnerabilites and pain? That families are not all they seem and people only share the good bits?

There is an absolute epidemic of loneliness and the conventional advice is to join things. Not easy to get yourself there, strike up conversations, navigate groups.

Honestly, its just not easy. What's worked for me is some sort of " interest". If I'm struggling with other people , at least the activity is of intrinsic value.

How strange that you rejected your youngest daughter reaching out, well I would think that won’t happen again anytime soon …. very sad
I don’t understand why your job has to impinge on friendships nor do I understand why you have to divulge all your family problems in any friendships that’s entirely up to you and your choice
We all need friends

You are far from alone with having to deal with addiction in the family, so I don't understand why you have isolated yourself. If you work in the mental health sphere you should know about the impact of addiction on families, and if you weren't taught abut it I think you could benefit (and so could others) by talking about it to other people. Maybe there is an educational role somewhere for you?
As to your social life it is very sad you feel so isolated- again you should realise the impact this can have on your own mental health.
I know lots of people who have lost/are estranged/ never had/ families.
Please make an effort to get out there as people have suggested and stop hiding your problems- that will be no help to anyone. If we all did that no one would ever life a happy life.

Addiction is a huge barrier to maintaining relationships with other family members. The addiction will always come first, plus, of course, it generally trashes the mental state/behaviour of the addict.🙄

I put up with the chaos for 18 years with my late husband’s son. With him, it was alcohol and gambling. We refused to give him money to fund them, and that’s all he wanted.

He’s out of my life now, thankfully. 👍

As for making friends, have you tried looking online for local groups, classes etc that might interest you? Or, at your local library? If you’ve got spare time, volunteering might help.

Some people might mention their families, but most don’t bang on about them endlessly - that would be boring!

Have a look around and see. If you’re still working, is there nothing going on with colleagues? You don’t have to talk about your family.

You need to try and build a life that’s positive for you.

Best wishes.💐

My much younger cousin had a chronic alcohol problem and broke contact with her mother and sister in her twenties. Basically she wanted to borrow money from her mother to buy alcohol and her mother refused. They lost touch with her when she moved house and did not know where she lived. She wanted to contact her when their mother was dying and I was able to find her on Facebook and there was a temporary reconciliation of the two sisters. But she continued to drink and was hospitalised several times. Her marriage collapsed and her own daughter refused to communicate with her. She has basically ruined the lives of both her children and her husband (although I suspect the husband's constant absence abroad contributed to her alcoholism).

I tried to befriend her, and it worked to some extent, but the alcohol never went away and her behaviour could be very difficult. At one point she conned me out of £400 which I thought was for a deposit on a flat but it all went on booze. Sadly she died after a mega drinking session, at the age of 50. The daughter did not come to her funeral, though her son did.

I imagine the addictions are similar in the devastating effect either can have on a person's life, and their attitude to others. Of course, the sufferer will do almost anything to satisfy their cravings.

Meanwhile, I agree that although it is difficult, you must try to maintain your own life as best you can. There are lots of others who are estranged from family members - I could relate other stories of people I know in that situation.

In our local u3a we have people from all walks of life and many have had less than happy marriages or relationships with their children. One lady has been married four times, with children by three of the husbands, and nursed her fourth husband when he died. She too has experienced family rifts. But she made a new life for herself in our u3a, she runs one of our walking groups and is well liked by all. She doesn't talk to everyone about her experiences and issues unless they ask, and doesn't go overboard except with a very few people, and I would say she is enjoying life nowadays.

I would hope you can find some company and activities to enjoy. Although it might seem that everyone is talking about their families you will find it isn't universal. Lots of people have problems in their lives.

Your youngest daughter has tried to reach out to you. Why not accept the olive branch ? Life is too short - she is your daughter. That’s all I can say . Good wishes.

Is there no chance of you responding to your younger daughter if she tried to make contact? It seems so sad.

Sorry to hear of your loneliness.
You really must make new friends. It's no good relying on your estranged DC.

I have friends who have estranged family.
Why on earth would you be bothered about other people's opinions?

Join some interest groups. In my experience no-one talks about their families, unless you really want to know.