New to Gransnet - estranged from our son

I gathered from the original post it was since the son had been with his wife that he had changed. There are nice Dil I have one, but a lot of men are inclined to go wife sway instead if making a stand. Let's assume that the don has since meeting his partner for reasons unknown, turned against hs mother for whatever reason, nothing to do with Dil. The advice is the same, doubt waste your life wishing for what was once, value those you have and leave him to it. Bye the way, if I never got to see my mil or she didn't see the grandchildren, I woukd be having a conversation with my husband, but I had a good relationship with my in laws. Some people actually love mil and mil their Dil.

Smileless2012

And we remember them with fondness don't we DL, well I do.

Yes, we all used to sigh and try to restrict the sherry lol 😂

And we remember them with fondness don't we DL, well I do.

Well, I’ve never got all this Drama Llama stuff. People in life, including relatives, can all be very different.

I’m sure a lot of us remember the eccentric older person who could always be relied upon to speak his/her mind, after a couple of sherrries.🙄

Weddings and funerals used to be great fun lol 😉

For me, it's the constant analysis and/or drama that causes the problems that become dramas and then require analysing DL.

Well, not in my world. Everyone has different views on things. Which is fine. Which is normal Not everything needs analysis or dramas.

Sometimes, we just celebrates our differences. 🤷‍♀️

I agree DL, 'normal' is subjective and as you say you don't have to throw the babies out with the bathwater.

There is nothing wrong with trying a different “normal” whatever that is, as I guess it’s subjective.

But, you don’t have to throw the babies out with the bathwater. Different people have different ways, and that’s how life is, in many spheres.

It doesn’t always need a drama. 🤷‍♀️

Maybe sometimes people are content until they meet a new family or make a family and decide things should be different. The situation is normal until it doesn't feel normal anymore. Then the parents keep on with their way of doing things but the child isn't happy any more and doesn't look back fondly.
Maybe that is what has happened here? Some children happy with their normal and one not? Try and talk to your son, maybe it is ok to try and be the parent he needs now if he feels that the parent he had younger wasn't what he needed?

It was your response that amused me nofrowns.

I’m glad you can find humour in the sad situation of a mother and son’s relationship breakdown. I personally cannot. Hopefully you find it tickling because you can show us all the countless examples of women reconciling with their sons while hating and blaming their wives for everything. Maybe there are success stories of women who cling to the their displaced/projected anger at the wives and still remain tight with their sons, and I too can join you in amusement!

Any comment placing blame on the wife good one

Any comment placing blame on the wife.

where are the comments encouraging the OP to take aim at her son's marriage?

Allsorts

Welcome to the forum Celia, its not one we ever thought we would be on. Your assessment of your son’s reason (excuse) for it is very insightful. They go the wife's way as they hold the cards.these women that want to be queen bee, only room for one, give no thought to their husbands happiness or the children not having contact with grandparents, however the men are spineless too for not challenging it. I’m estranged from my d not son different scenario. You just have to appreciate and enjoy those that are in your life now, don't waste time grieving for a situation you can’t alter.

Women aren’t responsible for grown men speaking rudely to their mothers. It’s really shocking how the OP barely had anything concrete and negative to say about the wife, yet here you are women-bashing with almost no details or insight into this young woman’s marriage or personality. This is the problem. This is why we have such bad intergenerational relations. Inherent sexism that places the blame of every relationship breakdown at the feet of a woman.

OP, please focus on your relationship with your son. He is an adult in control of his mind and words. Accountability for your perceived relationship breakdown with him belongs with you and your son. Following the trend of scapegoating the wife will not lead to healing. I don’t know anyone who has managed to reconcile while continuing to blame their son’s wife. If your goal is peace, please do not buy into comments encouraging you to take aim at your son’s marriage.

CeliaQ

Thank you Babs - it is the friends and family who still love us that help us through the pain. I know we must try and look to all the positives in our lives, not be stuck in the negatives. It has taken me some time to be able to say ‘enough is enough, I don’t want this bad relationship in my life any more’ and walk away from it.

I wish you all the luck with this 🙏🏾
You have come to a really tough decision that we came to many years ago now.
It does get better, and you will reach a point where you realise that the peace and the calm that we all need as we get older for our own well being is what truly matters. As I am prone to say ‘life is too short’.

Thank you Babs - it is the friends and family who still love us that help us through the pain. I know we must try and look to all the positives in our lives, not be stuck in the negatives. It has taken me some time to be able to say ‘enough is enough, I don’t want this bad relationship in my life any more’ and walk away from it.

What an awful way to behave Cecilianne . Maybe with time you'll see his not attending the wake as a good thing, because it would have been unbelievably difficult for you to have been snubbed there too.

I agree with what you say about social media Skydancer. We live in an increasing 'throw away' society where everything is disposable, including family.

We owe it to ourselves and those who do love us to live our best lives. They've made their choice and we mustn't allow that choice to ruin the rest of our lives,

Cossy

I just want to say how sad I feel for all those estranged from family members, not through their own choice and also don’t know why

Yes, I spent 18 years with my adult stepkids bouncing my (now) late husband in and out of estrangement.

He hadn’t done anything wrong, as they often admitted.

It’s painful to be in that position, and it’s painful to watch someone you love in that position.

I had my say with them, at the end, but it cannot change the past.☹️

Skydancer, what you say is very true. Who is the perfect parent? Maybe they are😬

Welcome to the forum Celia, its not one we ever thought we would be on. Your assessment of your son’s reason (excuse) for it is very insightful. They go the wife's way as they hold the cards.these women that want to be queen bee, only room for one, give no thought to their husbands happiness or the children not having contact with grandparents, however the men are spineless too for not challenging it. I’m estranged from my d not son different scenario. You just have to appreciate and enjoy those that are in your life now, don't waste time grieving for a situation you can’t alter.

I just want to say how sad I feel for all those estranged from family members, not through their own choice and also don’t know why

Babs03

Hi Celia, so sorry to hear you are going through this, but you will indeed find many who have also been where you are now. Including myself. Firstly you are not alone. Secondly try the thread for friendship and support for those estranged after this. I have found it helpful. My eldest daughter was very like your son, a loving happy young woman until she wasn’t, then she became hostile and abusive. But like you I have three other daughters who she is also estranged from and I see 3 lovely GCs, but I haven’t seen my other GCs for over 10 years.
I wouldn’t wish the pain and heartbreak on anyone but you will get through this, for now take comfort in the love of your DH and other ACs and GCs. Get on with life as best you can and put your own well-being first. Life is too short.
Take care xx

What a truly lovely response Babs.

I second this

Yes, they do. Some younger parents, don’t understand how it can all go wrong, despite all their learned “knowledge” and having followed all advice.

We are all human - even the generations that followed us.

Personalities clash - the best way, if you can, is to is to just try to realistically resolve it. It’s not always doable.

I’m estranged from my only sibling - but it was my choice. No dramas, it just happened.

But, there are others on here, far more experienced and knowledgeable than me with various types of estrangement. 🙂

I am thankfully not estranged from children but rather from a sibling. I do spend time wondering where it went wrong. It is usually a clash of personalities with siblings - maybe thinking one was favoured over the other one. When it comes to parenting how many of us are perfect. Many of our generation were not very well off and this might have meant we were stressed and tired and finding it hard to cope. When my children were very small I had no help from parents so struggled along, often weary and tearful with two babies. If I could go back I'd do things so differently. We are all human and make mistakes. If only others could accept it. One thing about today's generation that I find particularly annoying is that they all seem to believe the saying that you can choose your friends but you cannot choose your family and consequently they often seem to prioritise friends. I see this happening a lot. They get a lot of ideas from social media, often misguided or plain wrong.