New to Gransnet - estranged from our son

Hi Celia, so sorry to hear you are going through this, but you will indeed find many who have also been where you are now. Including myself. Firstly you are not alone. Secondly try the thread for friendship and support for those estranged after this. I have found it helpful. My eldest daughter was very like your son, a loving happy young woman until she wasn’t, then she became hostile and abusive. But like you I have three other daughters who she is also estranged from and I see 3 lovely GCs, but I haven’t seen my other GCs for over 10 years.
I wouldn’t wish the pain and heartbreak on anyone but you will get through this, for now take comfort in the love of your DH and other ACs and GCs. Get on with life as best you can and put your own well-being first. Life is too short.
Take care xx

Hello Celia, when you say after a warm, loving, mutually supportive and respectful relationship with our adult son for many years you give a perfect description of the relationship we had with our youngest son before he married and estranged us.

I'm so sorry that you are having to live with this too.

Being in a good marriage and having your supportive D's and a GD living nearby will be a huge source of comfort.

Estrangement is often referred too as a living bereavement as those of us who've been estranged grieve for the AC we've lost but still lives.

Your daughters and your GD cannot of course make up for the son and GC you are estranged from but it is them and your husband of course, that you need to focus on.

We were I believe fortunate that our eldest GC was just 8 months old the last time we saw him and we've never had any contact with his brother. I can't begin to imagine how it must feel to have the GC you know and love taken from you. That is something that we've been spared.

You wonder how other GP's cope. I suspect just like you do by taking each day at a time especially in the beginning and focusing on those we love who love us in return.

You've established a relationship with two GD's you haven't seen since December and with them being 11 and 14, that is not something they will ever forget even if for now, they're not allowed to have any contact with you.

There's a support thread on this forum you may like to take a look at, where we share our personal experiences, how we cope and more importantly those times when we're not coping.

Knowing that we are not alone and being able to share with others who are also estranged, has been one of the most important tools we've found to help us cope .

As Smileless says, check out the Estrangement Forum. You will find you are not alone

Thank you all for the kind thoughts and understanding. It is actually beyond understanding to know how these things develop, when he grew up in a stable loving family. It helps to know there are others going through similar things. It is indeed like a living bereavement Smileless. It’s as if our son felt he had to choose his wife’s way of seeing the world - to him that meant totally rejecting his birth family’s way of dong things. It’s as if he is worried that his world will fall apart if he steps out of line with her. I feel sorry for him too because she seems to have cut him off from his more spontaneous self. I think that’s where all his anger towards me has arisen - he’s really angry with her for controlling him, but afraid to express it to her.

This behavior reminds me of my son. He is always on edge and angry. He has been for years. Except for when they separated for a year. He was his old self and the happiest we have all seen him in years. Then he went back.......

Hi Celia from another Celia who is also estranged from a beloved son and feels your pain .If I knew why he had become to hate me so much and why he has kept my daughter in law and grandchildren away from me I could perhaps accept it but he has now cut himself off from his brother and sister again without any explanation.
My husband, his dad, died recently and at the funeral I was ghosted by them all in fact when my eldest son asked him to speak to me he replied ..I don’t think so…
He did allow his son my grandson to be a coffin bearer and I was able to speak to him, tell him I love and miss him and gave him a big hug but that was the only contact I had. They even sat away from the family group in church and did not attend the wake,the cruelty of this breaks my heart.
I am old now, not well and every day I pray he will come back before it’s too late because he is still my very dearly loved son no matter what he might think and I miss him.
I hope you find some consolation by reading the support thread on here knowing you are not the only mother grieving for a living child it has certainly helped me.

Sorry to hear of both your cases GrammyP and Celianne86. Shocked to hear of your son’s behaviour at your DHs funeral Celianne, but I shouldn’t be, have now heard of so many ACs who treat their parents like this. My own daughter told friends we don’t often see that we were both dead, they were really surprised when they bumped into us a little while later.
It is hard but when things are like this you have to accept that you can’t change him, but you can change how you choose to get on with your life. Sounds like you have more than one AC, so draw comfort and love from those you do see, and any others around you, live what life you have left and think of your own well-being. Life really is too short xx

💔 for you all

How sad to hear that your son even cut you at your husband’s funeral Celianne, that must have added a huge amount to your acute pain and grief. Our son and family didn’t come to our Golden Wedding celebrations this year, which was a lovely opportunity for the greater family to meet up - he missed out on seeing all his cousins who he had such great times with as a younger person at family gatherings, and seeing our great nieces/nephews who his kids should be having fun with when they get the chance. Everyone had such a nice time - but he kept his kids away from a lovely family occasion. It seems so pointless and unnecessary, and what is it all about?

It is like a hole in your heart. I feel for you. It seems some marriages/partnerships are made in hell and your son seems to be in one of them. I think you have had some good advice here and it is so true how common this is.

I have no answers but have almost been there myself in that my son left his partner and we have been in a tough battle to get access to his seeing his daughter, which he now does.

Maybe he is afraid that if he leaves she won't allow him to see the kids? It isn't fair to them either. He seems to have chosen the lesser of two evils.

As long as your grandchildren are happy and thriving I should heed the advice here and concentrate on those who love you.

You never really know how these things will pan out but I wish you all the best.

My heart aches for all those who are estranged from their AC. and can only imagine your pain and distress . I hope the support given on GN will provide a little comfort. 💐💐💐

CeliaQ

How sad to hear that your son even cut you at your husband’s funeral Celianne, that must have added a huge amount to your acute pain and grief. Our son and family didn’t come to our Golden Wedding celebrations this year, which was a lovely opportunity for the greater family to meet up - he missed out on seeing all his cousins who he had such great times with as a younger person at family gatherings, and seeing our great nieces/nephews who his kids should be having fun with when they get the chance. Everyone had such a nice time - but he kept his kids away from a lovely family occasion. It seems so pointless and unnecessary, and what is it all about?

The problem is the parents are denying their children a relationship with their grandparents and sometimes other family members as well. I said to my DH the other day they hurl all kind of accusations about being rubbish parents but then often use their children in their cruel mind games.
As the Americans tend ti say - go figure!

I am thankfully not estranged from children but rather from a sibling. I do spend time wondering where it went wrong. It is usually a clash of personalities with siblings - maybe thinking one was favoured over the other one. When it comes to parenting how many of us are perfect. Many of our generation were not very well off and this might have meant we were stressed and tired and finding it hard to cope. When my children were very small I had no help from parents so struggled along, often weary and tearful with two babies. If I could go back I'd do things so differently. We are all human and make mistakes. If only others could accept it. One thing about today's generation that I find particularly annoying is that they all seem to believe the saying that you can choose your friends but you cannot choose your family and consequently they often seem to prioritise friends. I see this happening a lot. They get a lot of ideas from social media, often misguided or plain wrong.

Yes, they do. Some younger parents, don’t understand how it can all go wrong, despite all their learned “knowledge” and having followed all advice.

We are all human - even the generations that followed us.

Personalities clash - the best way, if you can, is to is to just try to realistically resolve it. It’s not always doable.

I’m estranged from my only sibling - but it was my choice. No dramas, it just happened.

But, there are others on here, far more experienced and knowledgeable than me with various types of estrangement. 🙂

Babs03

Hi Celia, so sorry to hear you are going through this, but you will indeed find many who have also been where you are now. Including myself. Firstly you are not alone. Secondly try the thread for friendship and support for those estranged after this. I have found it helpful. My eldest daughter was very like your son, a loving happy young woman until she wasn’t, then she became hostile and abusive. But like you I have three other daughters who she is also estranged from and I see 3 lovely GCs, but I haven’t seen my other GCs for over 10 years.
I wouldn’t wish the pain and heartbreak on anyone but you will get through this, for now take comfort in the love of your DH and other ACs and GCs. Get on with life as best you can and put your own well-being first. Life is too short.
Take care xx

What a truly lovely response Babs.

I second this

I just want to say how sad I feel for all those estranged from family members, not through their own choice and also don’t know why

Welcome to the forum Celia, its not one we ever thought we would be on. Your assessment of your son’s reason (excuse) for it is very insightful. They go the wife's way as they hold the cards.these women that want to be queen bee, only room for one, give no thought to their husbands happiness or the children not having contact with grandparents, however the men are spineless too for not challenging it. I’m estranged from my d not son different scenario. You just have to appreciate and enjoy those that are in your life now, don't waste time grieving for a situation you can’t alter.

Skydancer, what you say is very true. Who is the perfect parent? Maybe they are😬

Cossy

I just want to say how sad I feel for all those estranged from family members, not through their own choice and also don’t know why

Yes, I spent 18 years with my adult stepkids bouncing my (now) late husband in and out of estrangement.

He hadn’t done anything wrong, as they often admitted.

It’s painful to be in that position, and it’s painful to watch someone you love in that position.

I had my say with them, at the end, but it cannot change the past.☹️

What an awful way to behave Cecilianne . Maybe with time you'll see his not attending the wake as a good thing, because it would have been unbelievably difficult for you to have been snubbed there too.

I agree with what you say about social media Skydancer. We live in an increasing 'throw away' society where everything is disposable, including family.

We owe it to ourselves and those who do love us to live our best lives. They've made their choice and we mustn't allow that choice to ruin the rest of our lives,

Thank you Babs - it is the friends and family who still love us that help us through the pain. I know we must try and look to all the positives in our lives, not be stuck in the negatives. It has taken me some time to be able to say ‘enough is enough, I don’t want this bad relationship in my life any more’ and walk away from it.

CeliaQ

Thank you Babs - it is the friends and family who still love us that help us through the pain. I know we must try and look to all the positives in our lives, not be stuck in the negatives. It has taken me some time to be able to say ‘enough is enough, I don’t want this bad relationship in my life any more’ and walk away from it.

I wish you all the luck with this 🙏🏾
You have come to a really tough decision that we came to many years ago now.
It does get better, and you will reach a point where you realise that the peace and the calm that we all need as we get older for our own well being is what truly matters. As I am prone to say ‘life is too short’.

Allsorts

Welcome to the forum Celia, its not one we ever thought we would be on. Your assessment of your son’s reason (excuse) for it is very insightful. They go the wife's way as they hold the cards.these women that want to be queen bee, only room for one, give no thought to their husbands happiness or the children not having contact with grandparents, however the men are spineless too for not challenging it. I’m estranged from my d not son different scenario. You just have to appreciate and enjoy those that are in your life now, don't waste time grieving for a situation you can’t alter.

Women aren’t responsible for grown men speaking rudely to their mothers. It’s really shocking how the OP barely had anything concrete and negative to say about the wife, yet here you are women-bashing with almost no details or insight into this young woman’s marriage or personality. This is the problem. This is why we have such bad intergenerational relations. Inherent sexism that places the blame of every relationship breakdown at the feet of a woman.

OP, please focus on your relationship with your son. He is an adult in control of his mind and words. Accountability for your perceived relationship breakdown with him belongs with you and your son. Following the trend of scapegoating the wife will not lead to healing. I don’t know anyone who has managed to reconcile while continuing to blame their son’s wife. If your goal is peace, please do not buy into comments encouraging you to take aim at your son’s marriage.

where are the comments encouraging the OP to take aim at her son's marriage?