May I offer a little hope?

Missiseff

Hope is the only thing that stops me from moving on to the next life.

Hang on in there as Smiles has said they’re people here who have felt as you do. It is a grief for the living.
Be kind to yourself today 🙏🏾

icanhandthemback

That is absolutely fantastic, stillawip and I am so pleased for you. Whilst Smileless2012 has a point that you can't facilitate a reconciliation from self reflection without communication with those who has estranged you, the process should be about improving yourself rather than affection reconciliation.

No finger pointing but I often see things written in wider posts that make me think that an attitude might have had some influence on the family situation. For myself, after a rare argument with my son, a discussion with my therapist showed me that on occasion I can feel like I am responding to a person's request to leave things alone but, in fact, I can be partial to having the last word! It was a light bulb moment but there was definitely a delay when the switch was pressed. I was indignant at her thinking that but I did start to reflect on the situation and had to agree that she might have had a point!

Well done you, that's fantastic! Intransigence is truly the enemy of reconciliation and I recognised this too, just as you did. I was the same, expecting things to be done the way I did them, always wanting to be in control etc (self-confessed control freak here!), but at the end of the day, those things do you much more harm than good. Times change and things move on and to acknowledge our own part in things and change it can truly be a turning point. There will always be clues there if we listen...

That is absolutely fantastic, stillawip and I am so pleased for you. Whilst Smileless2012 has a point that you can't facilitate a reconciliation from self reflection without communication with those who has estranged you, the process should be about improving yourself rather than affection reconciliation.

No finger pointing but I often see things written in wider posts that make me think that an attitude might have had some influence on the family situation. For myself, after a rare argument with my son, a discussion with my therapist showed me that on occasion I can feel like I am responding to a person's request to leave things alone but, in fact, I can be partial to having the last word! It was a light bulb moment but there was definitely a delay when the switch was pressed. I was indignant at her thinking that but I did start to reflect on the situation and had to agree that she might have had a point!

Was estranged too from son and family for over a year. That was six years ago. It's only now that he admits that they were in the wrong. But of course it was me that had to do eat all the 'humble pie' . "Kids eh! Who'd 'ave 'em?". Still at the end of the day they're worth their weight in gold.

Sometimes standing back and letting people do as they will works well.

It either resolves itself or it doesn’t. If you don’t know the reasons, you can never negotiate anything. Best wishes. 💐

You cannot do anything if you don't know the facts Grannymell and all the talk in the world about self reflection, being honest with yourself etc is meaningless if there's no communication with the one whose estranged you, and no desire for them to reconcile.

Let them have the family time they need with no attempt from you to intrude and wait to see if the get in touch .

I agree Madwoman being honest with one's self is absolutely necessary.

Im in the same boat unfortunately. I've been accuses of saying 'many' things to upset dil but given any specifics. Hiw can I defend myself/amend how I speak without knowing the facts. Not see son or granddaughter since 17th August, nor new grandson born 3 weeks ago. Apparently they need some family time eve though I was invited to meet granddaughter at only one week old. Just have to grin and bear it I suppose. Fingers crossed for reconciliation but not holding out much hope.

I'm very pleased for you and I agree totally that we have to be brutally honest with ourselves and admit our part in the fall out

So good to hear such a positive outcome, we hear all the sad stories on here and it's good of you to take the time to share good news with us all. I hope it helps all the others currently suffering form a similar situation.

I am so moved and impressed by your story stillawip . One thing which strikes me is that when we are hurting, it is so easy not to look inwards and be honest about our own part in whatever has happened. You were big hearted enough to do that, and let go blame of others, and focus on what matters - love. I know every situation is individual but your story is inspiring as others have said. I send love to all who are suffering estrangement in their family.

Missiseff I remember going to bed and hoping I wouldn't wake up the next morning. You're not alone.

Hope is the only thing that stops me from moving on to the next life.

keepingquiet how wonderful, I'm so pleased for you. Grandchildren are such a joy and can teach us so much about life and what is really important. You're absolutely right, everyone's situation is totally unique - this was just mine and I thought it worth sharing if it could comfort just one person going through similar. My very best wishes for the future with your family x

Now I consider myself an expert but only on my own estrangement I love that keepingquiet . Our only 'expertise' is about what we have experienced and there are many nuances to be taken into account.

Despite the many similarities we see in estrangement situations, no two are the same and no two people are the same. There is hope for those who desire reconciliation as stories shared on this thread have shown, and there are other stories of hope too, that there is a life to be lived and enjoyed despite being estranged because reconciliation isn't for everyone because it's never going to happen or because it isn't what's wanted.

I think estrangement, especially if it’s unstable, is extremely tiring.

Sometimes, you need to just let others do as they do, stand off, and look after your own health and happiness.

Contentment and joy in life can follow many paths on its way.🙂

Stillawip I want to thank you for your post. I was estranged for a couple of years from my son and GD- it was a living hell, complete torture.

Yet, in those years I learned so much about myself and what my expectations of life had been. It tested my faith in God and in human nature.

Now I consider myself an expert, but only in my own situation. Estangement isn't one side fits all- it is human beings getting caught up in situations they cannot control and everyone is different.

Yes, I ate humble pie too- because it was worth it to face my own shortcomings in order to now have regular contact with my little grandchild. She is a joy and a treasure and I am so grateful for now seeing her grow, and witnessing what a great parent my son is.

I don't know what the future holds, the estrangement could return but I can now face it knowing what I would have to do and who to turn to.

Celianne has said she doesn't feel she can cope with anymore rejection because she's too old, too tired and just wants a peaceful life so I think we should respect her decision and offer what support we can.

Oh Ziggy, I’m so thrilled for you - how lovely!! I wish you every happiness going forward with your family xx

Such a lovely, honest post. I'm so happy for you. My daughter stopped having any contact with me for about 3 years ( I still have no idea why). Then on my 60th birthday (3 years ago) I received a card and flowers and more importantly a very long letter.
There is always hope 🙏 ❤️

Celieanne - never give up hope. There's a reason why your son has estranged his whole family. It may not be your reason or your older son's reason, but to your younger son it is just as valid a 'truth' as yours. For me it was about recognising this, listening to his 'truth', and really putting myself in his shoes and asking myself whether there was a single grain of truth in what he said. How would I have taken it, in his position? And if there is even a tiny, tiny bit of truth, swallow your pride and apologise genuinely and wholeheartedly, with no reservations or justifications, and tell him that you have learned from it & if given the chance will change your approach in future. That you will try your best to get it right going forward, and really LISTEN to what he is saying if he says you don't. That's what eventually worked for me. I wish you the very, very best luck.

Thank you so much DaisyDaisyDo & User138562, you are very kind - I am nowhere near perfect and, as my name suggests, I am still very much a work-in-progress, which I believe we should all be until the day we die, never afraid to change ourselves and our thoughts/opinions/approaches on life. I will always be striving to be a better me where needed!

Estrangement is described as a living bereavement which is very apt DL and you're right that life has to be rearranged around it because as you and User have said, some people will never change.

I think when people first come on here, after being estranged, they often are sad, confused and feel like they will never be happy.

But, for those that cannot reconcile, it’s inspiring how quickly most on here adapt to the new reality, and realise how much happiness, from other sources, can still be had.

The support thread is certainly not an unhappy place.

User138652 is right - some people will never change.

Some will never discuss or be honest about what’s wrong, and life has to be rearranged around estrangement.

It’s like bereavement, in a way. You do, through time, start to find the joy again.👍

I agree OP, you sound like a great mom. That kind of approach would have made a big difference to me. But some people will never change I suppose.

Thanks for sharing! I appreciate the change of pace.