Support and friendship for those whose lives have been affected by estrangement.

Sorry haven't been on today . Decided to stop taking the calcium and vitamin D tablets the Dr prescribed as I have been in pain all week. Thought I had pulled a muscle jigging last week turns out I have been having side effects from the high dose tablets . So not taking any. I haven't feel this much pain for 3 years even my collar bones hurt.
I am not the sort to feel sorry for myself but this week I have and kept crying since Thursday. My daughter and grandsons came today and she said mom you look awful said glad I look how I feel and burst into tears.
I had let her know how I was so she brought me a twirl and the radio times . She has brought me a radio times since her dad died.

Sorry but I hate feeling sorry for myself and I am not used to being in this much pain. As I don't want to go back to how I was and it frightened me . 😢

Babs thank you xxx

@Jaffa I believe that your other daughter advised you about being abused, our other daughters did too, but when you are in this fog is impossible to see what is going on. I do worry that your daughter is seriously affecting your mental health, this also happened to me to the extent that I suffered a breakdown. Don’t let it go this far.
And please don’t take her gaslighting seriously, you are so much better than this, but this is what they do, they make us feel that we are useless and worthless, that everything is our fault and they are the victims. Make sure you rise above this, see it for what it is, and remember who you are, the confidence you had, the life you had. This is you. Not the person your daughter refers to.
And glad R will be there Xmas day, and if the GCs are there your daughter should behave. Make sure you enjoy your time with the children and your friend, is she is anything like my daughter was she will only respond later by poisonous text or email.
I do worry about you.
PM me if you like.
Take care
🌺🙏🏾

Smileless, yes I am feeling anxious about my daughter seeing us before Christmas for the show I'm taking her and the kids to and coming over for Christmas day lunch. It's walking on eggshells which affects me badly. She may not appear or come and be remote or unpleasant. R will be here from Ireland and she is usually behaved when he is here.
I know I should be pleased to see them but like Babs says it's like being in a fog,wishing I had acted differently although I still don't know what I have done wrong. My confidence at dealing with other people has been shot to pieces. I can still hear her voice telling me I don't have any friends because I am horrible and can't deal normally in social interactions.
I keep wondering if it is me. Perhaps I am on the autistic spectrum. But I do have friends and worked for 42 years as a nurse in the NHS so not sure how I managed that if I have problems communicating with others.
I really want to take the kids to the show and will be heart broken if she cancels on me.
Mentally I feel a different person to the confident fun character I was 2 years ago. She does not realise,or probably care,what she has done to me. It's very 😢

Sorry posted prematurely 🙄
….I can see that what my estranged daughter did was abusive/bullying and was an expert at gaslighting. At the time we were in a fog, we couldn’t see it for what it was. We took it and blamed ourselves. Our daughters who had already become estranged from her tried to make us see what was going on.
But we don’t believe that our much loved children who were once so loving to us could ever be like this.
Denial is our first response.
Would like to think that she has changed over the years but if she wasn’t even giving our presents to the GCs I am just in denial again.
It is what it is.
And we have lives we deserve to live to the fullest we can.
Here’s to a fantastic 2025 for all. 🎉
Take care
🌺🌺

Thanks all for kind wishes re GS.
Yes Allsorts looking back I can see that what my estranged daughter did

Smileless Yes that advert! What a killer!! Can't bear to watch it but have to watch it!!

Babs hope your GS quickly recovers from his infection and gets his op in the early New Year xx

Thanks for the }}}hugs{{{ Babs hope you're enjoying London.

Haven't seen that ad Smiles but I can imagine it would bring a lumb to your throat, with your DS in Oz. Why couldn't it have been the other way round!

I wish it was over. I love my day with family but it can never be what it should. I put up with bad treatment which I now recognise as coercive control but you don't know that at the time. You can’t believe that of a cherished one. The waste.
Whiff I don't give out too much information as it would affect my relationship with my gd, her mother still has control.
So even with friends etc I still keep most hidden and always will.
Agree with Springs comments. Says it all really.

Babs I pray your little grandson gets the operation he so needs in the New Year, to have him well is the only present you need really.
Smileless, how I wish you could get your dream and your son comes home for a visit. I daresay you will FaceTime each other over the Christmas period. I know you long for that hug though. It will come when you least expect it to.

Sending love Smiles. Tough when they are so far away, but as Babs said, making someone else happier at Christmas will make yours extra special. Really hard to understand family dynamics that can cause one child to estrange and other children not. Is it because we loved too much…or were too strict. There is no defined answer. The same circumstances can be perceived differently by different children. Perhaps this is why many EP find themselves bewildered/confused.
Yes is all heightened at this time of year, but yes a new year brings new things. Is a time to look forward and embrace all we have, even while acknowledging what has been lost.
Sorry to hear of your gc’s infection Babs. Hope the op can go ahead soon. Thanks all of you who provide a balanced perspective on E. It really does help keep folk like me grounded.

Bridie22

Awh Smileless, I felt the emotion in that last sentence,such a waste of love.❤️

I know.
😢

@Smiles so glad you are making Xmas a happier time for your friend, that is what Xmas is all about, reaching out to those who need a little kindness and generosity. Am sure she will have a fantastic time.
If only Aus were nearer, is so hard for those with loved ones so far away. Am hoping you can zoom or FaceTime though the time difference must be a nightmare.
For me this time of year is a time to think of those we have lost, am usually in bed early New Year’s Eve, is just too sad. But the day after am clearing away Xmas and getting ready to tackle the new year.
Unfortunately our little grandson, one in Jan, cannot go for surgery at GOSH, was scheduled today, but he has a respiratory virus so the anaesthetist won’t go ahead. That will now happen beginning of next year so obvs plenty waiting for us in the wings already.
And 🤞we will get the house if our dreams next year and am hoping will be a great year for all of you 🙌

Awh Smileless, I felt the emotion in that last sentence,such a waste of love.❤️

Afternoon everyone.

Where used to spending Christmas with just the two of us Spring but this year will be different as a friend from our old church is coming. She'll stay over Christmas day night and go back Boxing day afternoon.

She'd have been on her own otherwise, being estranged from her only child, her D for two years now . You shouldn't worry that you weren't good enough; what is 'good enough and will our EAC discover in the future that as parents, they weren't good enough either .

Malicious posters cause a lot of damage Allsorts. Posters have left because of them as you did for a while, and who knows how many have been put off from posting at all!!!

As you say Babs, we don't have to be strong all the time and being sad at this time of the year especially certainly isn't a sign of weakness. The fact that we are here for one another, and for anyone else who needs the friendship and support we offer, shows just how strong we all are .

Thanks to you and your DH, his mum at least experienced a kind and loving family especially at the end of her life and was blessed with a relationship with her GC.

Yes, it will be 10 years Sparkly for you here on GN. At times it seems like only yesterday that our lives changed forever and at others, as if it were a life time ago.

Despite the pain, there are times when the tears don't come and we feel as if we're 'all cried out'. As Babs says, sometimes the pain is tearless, but no less real.

No one's perfect Bridie, if only the AC who treat us so badly were half as perfect as they seem to think they are.

Hello Jaffa, it's lovely to see your post and to know that there's been some improvement with your balance and mobility; you're an inspiration to us all.

So pleased that your DD has had her surgery and fingers crossed that the results are good. It's perfectly understandable that you felt you were being attacked and vilified, because you were.

By virtue of being unfortunate enough to be EP's or those facing/fearing estrangement, when anyone comes onto this forum with their blanket criticisms and nastiness, we're all being targeted.

We are not their mothers and are not responsible for their pain anymore than they, because they have estranged, are our EAC and responsible for ours.

You must be looking forward too, but also perhaps a little anxious about having your D and GC for lunch on Christmas day; will R be there too?

I can't stand hot and cold either Whiff, I understand how it helps but I just stick to heat. Rest is the best thing for a hamstring injury, I can only imagine how energetic your 'jig' must have been but it's an easier injury to incur then you think.

A hot blue gun injury - Ouch. Time for you to slow down for a while so you'll be fully fit to enjoy Christmas with your DD, s.i.l. and the GC.

Loving them too much was our 'mistake' too Yogin. If only we'd been 'perfect parents' we'd have known just how much to have loved them, and not driven them away by being over caring.

I'm sorry but not surprised to see the sadness being expressed here as Christmas is now under two weeks away. It remains my favourite time of the year even though it will be never be quite the same again.

The only ad that's bothered me so far is the one where the mum's on the 'phone to her son asking if it's hot where he is, when the door bell goes and he's there when she answers it.

With DS so far away in Aus. I can only think if only .

Yoginimeisje

It did make me sad when the Happy birthday message I sent late Nov. wasn't received. Just checked again now, one grey tick, meaning I'm blocked. I felt it was a tiny connection, even if she just read and didn't reply, but not even given that.

Would love to be a fly on the wall when someone asked why she cut out her mum & sister and later her brother out of her life & her C's, because there is no reason for it .

😢
Is sad Yogi.
Sending hugs 🤗

@Yogi, I could see how much love you have for your estranged daughter, tbh I think we were the same, our eldest got away with so much and we did spoil her, well we spoiled them all, was wrong I can see that, but we wanted them to have what we didn’t have.
And my DH didn’t want to repeat the cycle of abuse he had suffered as a child from his father so he was too soft on them.
But all the same three of our daughters became loving adults who care enormously for us. And I know your son loves you dearly.
Who knows?
At this time of year I think we all tread well worn paths remembering those we have lost, but new year is always a new start, with so much to look forward to.
Take care 🌺

It did make me sad when the Happy birthday message I sent late Nov. wasn't received. Just checked again now, one grey tick, meaning I'm blocked. I felt it was a tiny connection, even if she just read and didn't reply, but not even given that.

Would love to be a fly on the wall when someone asked why she cut out her mum & sister and later her brother out of her life & her C's, because there is no reason for it .

Btw Whiff when we are next up North you might just find me on your doorstep but you can always draw the curtains and pretend you aren’t in 😂😂

@whiff you are a human dynamo, always doing something, and Xmas is the season of exhaustion, too much to do and not enough time.
Give yourself a well earned break. Am pretty sure you are well ahead of the curve anyway. I am rushing around like woman possessed but am very much an eleventh hour person.
As for not sending presents, I wish the scales had fallen from our eyes earlier. A cousin who is still in contact with our estranged daughter says is unlikely anything was given ti the GCs.
Our fault for being mugs as per 🙄🥺

Nice to hear from you Jaffa good to know your DD's op went well, fingers crossed for the results. Also good to hear you are improving with your mobility. Enjoy the show with your D and hope you have a lovely Xmas day with her and your GC.

8,000 steps Whiff that's a lot . Sorry you pulled your hamstring, takes quite a while to heal.

My mistake, if you can call it that, was to love my C too much, I would do anything for them, especially my baby girl the one who estranged. I do think it's that, she would brag that she could wrap me round her little finger and she could. So, in other words, the love was 'on tap', always there, no matter what. She did some bad things, but I was always there for her, helping her, still loving her.

I always thought it strange how I never cried, I think I was too traumatised to do so. I did cry when I went to a mediation session. The councillor was lovely, I still remember her name; Lynsey. I went first, then it would have been my estD, then both of us together. I think it would have worked as it was only about 4weeks in. She was invited to attend but declined, so that was that.

Put your feet up for a couple of days and pamper yourself Whiff.
Mustafa is from The Lion King.

I'm like that Whiff, carry on instead of resting.. I very often make things much worse by doing so. Rest up now and be better for the festivities.

Smiles and Mr S glad you enjoyed Conclave haven't heard of Mustafa ? But then again I don't go to the pictures . Last time I went was to see Man from Uncle remake with Henry Cavill with my daughter and son in law before they had the children. The noise is to loud for me and was having the jerking limbs then but now I understand why I can't stand loud noise as it starts off my startle reflex and my limbs stiffen . At least thanks to my tablets don't have limb jerks or seizures since 2020. But the starlet reflex I now understand what sets it off and why I fall. Every cloud😊.

Allsorts sorry about that person being horrible. But she has shown her true colours hope she can live with herself. But then again she would think is is superior to everyone else . What a sad way to live.

Allsorts I hope your daughter reads your messages . I know how hard it's been for you .

I haven't sent anything to my son or grandsons since everything came back in August 2020 all unopened witnesses his letter. So my grandsons didn't have any birthday presents that year. Last time they had Christmas presents from me was 2019. I decided not to let him hurt my like that again . But I hate the fact my grandson thinks I don't love them or care about them . They are 8,6&4 now . But I have had to protect myself . I couldn't stand for anything coming back unopened and the babies presents where crushed like last time . It hurts not sending but I made my decision and sticking to it. As far as my grandsons know they only have one nannie who lives with them . Only one aunt and uncle who lives the other side of the world . My daughter in law estranged her dad 9 years ago when her mom came to live with them after the divorce. It was supposed to be temporary. Well that's what I was told . I will never live with anyone I am very independent and I do not want my daughter to go through what I did with my mom . But I couldn't put her into a home she was my mom .

What I hate is they live in a 3 double bed house which isn't big enough for 3 adults ,3 growing boys and 3 dogs. There grandmother is taking up a bedroom my eldest grandson should have instead of having a double room to herself and my grandsons have to share another double bed room . She is fitter than me and after her divorce got half of the sale of their house. She should have brought her own property here. I don't feel sorry for my son as he should have put his foot down and made sure they helped her find a place of her own . She's only a year older than me .

And no it's not sour grapes but we have to let our children fly and raise their own families . I value my independence and while I am lonely it's only for my husband. I like living on my own been doing it since 2006. Even when my mom lived with me the last 18 months of her life I was still alone .