Missing someone, what makes it easier?

I think bereavement (from someone close) and estrangement are similar in some ways.

Some estrangements are permanent, others not. They are all different, whereas, obviously bereavement will always be permanent.

I think everyone has to do what makes them feel better to begin with. Missing someone brings out all sorts of emotions, and we are all different.

But, they are both a process that takes time to battle though.

In the end, though, you have to adjust, maybe change things and build a happy life without that person.

Best wishes. 💐

Have you tried doing the things in relation to the person you're estranged from, that you'd do if they'd died Meseren?

You may find them just as comforting .

Estrangement is like a living death I find you go through similar stages, Smiles is right, sometimes rituals you might enact when someone dies can help, perhaps taking a balloon which you imagine is the person estranged and letting it go, feeling yourself letting go as it flies away. Or plant a shrub/tree to remind you of the better memories you have of the person you are estranged from. We recently have marked our GCs birthdays by buying a cake and lighting a candle, we used to send presents but doubt they ever got them.
If you are religious you could light a candle in your local church.
You will find your own way to do this.
Take care 🌹🙏🏾

Sometimes just giving yourself a treat, big or small, helps you get through a tough day.

Thank you all for your kind responses!

Diamond, I often reflect on the similarities between bereavement and estrangement, experiencing both in quick succession definitely throws each into relief. When it comes to the time it takes to adjust though, I'm probably just being impatient for the hardest part to be done with, which obviously isn't how it works. If only!

Smileless, I haven't tried doing the things that have worked for the bereavement, I'm wary because the negative things wrapped up in the estrangement make it feel more complicated. I had a very positive relationship with the person that died, so missing them is so hard but at the very least it's straightforward. Because the estrangement is complicated by all the negative experiences, I worry that letters and keepsakes would end up being marred by that negativity. There's also a part of me that wants to keep them separate, to grieve them in ways that reflect the differences in the relationships... but that's where I get stuck for ideas. Things often feel "not quite right" with estrangement, in a way that makes it feel just different enough from bereavement to throw things for a loop.

Babs, I really like the idea of the balloon, thank you. It's not something I would do for the bereavement - I am still clinging on too tightly for that, I think! But for the estrangement, it seems like something that can honour the relationship (good bits and not-so-good bits alike), without the "risk" of getting bogged down in it. Even just imagining the balloon floating away feels quite peaceful. I wouldn't trust myself with a plant though unfortunately, it probably wouldn't survive me and then I'd be left with a different kind of visual reminder!

Cabbie, that idea is so simple but somehow so hard to remember in those tricky moments. I often forget that a well-timed cup of tea and a taste of something sweet can do a sturdy job if you'll let it! Thank you for the reminder

I think she’s living the life she wants and to stop me going down that road of feeling sorry for myself, which in turn makes me teary and depressed, I get dressed up, take myself out and have a coffee and Danish Pastry, then go and buy myself something nice to eat for dinner , get a ready cooked meal and go home and put one of my videos on, something that makes me laugh such as Alma's not Normal, that cheers me up.

Reading your messages makes me think about you all. I can not imagine the pain estrangement brings, so sorry you are all having to endure this. Thinking of everyone.💐💐💐

Bereavement is hard, but estrangement is harder.

I think people understand bereavement because everyone experiences, even though it affects us all differently it is still a shared experience other people can relate to and offer help with.

Estrangement is worse because only those that have gone through it can really understand how really heartbreaking it can be. Even when people are supportive there is still that doubt... that thinking they don't really get it, that someone they think you must be to blame.

My extrangement is over for now (no one can tell if it might happen again) but I will never forget that pain and heartache, so can always sympathise with what people are going through. It is the most crushing experience.

Maybe, but never underestimate the emotional and physical chaos with losing your spouse. People may sympathise, but it is still a pain like no other. 😞

You can only begin to understand the pain of being estranged if you've experienced it and it's the same with the pain of losing your spouse DL.

You witnessed the pain your step children caused your DH and are now having to rebuild your life having lost your DH .

It was our ES's 40th birthday yesterday, a milestone event his life. One of many no doubt that he will face and one of many that we can never be a part of.

That must have been a difficult day Smiles, and though of course it cannot be compared to the loss of a DH, it is the special days that sting in both cases.
Take care
xx

DiamondLily

Maybe, but never underestimate the emotional and physical chaos with losing your spouse. People may sympathise, but it is still a pain like no other. 😞

Losing a child was harder. When you get married, you know that one of you will likely leave the other behind one day. With a child, it's completely out of the natural order.

I think losing children and spouses are the hardest griefs, and probably losing a parent as a minor child, not to old age.

Quite different from estrangement where there is always hope and you know they are there somewhere. Not to downplay the pain of estrangement, but they are their own unique experiences.

No, there isn't always hope where there's estrangement.

Is true chocolatepeanuts those of us estranged from our ACs and GCs do at least know they are alive. But is a bittersweet triumph when you know that your own life means so little to them and the agony of knowing that somewhere the GCs you fed and winded and paced the floor with are near but yet so far.
It did, many years ago, cause me to suffer a complete breakdown and lose my job, nearly my life.
It doesn’t compare with actual bereavement of a loved one, especially a child, but it cuts deep and keeps on cutting for there is never any closure.

Babs03

Is true chocolatepeanuts those of us estranged from our ACs and GCs do at least know they are alive. But is a bittersweet triumph when you know that your own life means so little to them and the agony of knowing that somewhere the GCs you fed and winded and paced the floor with are near but yet so far.
It did, many years ago, cause me to suffer a complete breakdown and lose my job, nearly my life.
It doesn’t compare with actual bereavement of a loved one, especially a child, but it cuts deep and keeps on cutting for there is never any closure.

Yes, the rejection is hard. One of my friends lost a child to suicide. I think that's a particularly hard kind of death of a child to take. It's like the ultimate rejection and always leaves her wondering what she could have done differently. I've tried to get her to think about it in terms of her child having been very sick.

Personally, I'd rather my child was out there 'somewhere', even if I don't know them. Then maybe there's the chance of seeing them again sometime, somehow. It would leave a painful hole to not see them, of course.

Smileless2012

No, there isn't always hope where there's estrangement.

It's true the most my MIL can ever hope for from me after 20 years of her nonsense is polite indifference. And I'm very forgiving in general. That would be for the sake of my DH, if he wanted contact. If he's off the scene, there would be no hope.

No one would expect to have any contact with the wife or husband of the son or daughter they're estranged from.

Smileless2012

No one would expect to have any contact with the wife or husband of the son or daughter they're estranged from.

My MIL did as I was the only one that gave her any response to anything. In the end, I decided it was his job, so left them to it.

After twenty years though, if my DH decided to mend bridges, there does come a point where no matter what, it's too late and there's too much water under the bridge, lack of shared experience during important times, to build any kind of relationship. I'd be polite but, other than that, that ship has sailed for me.

Anyone that thinks it's easier to be estranged from an adult child that seems to hate you, than losing someone, hasn't been through it. There is no hope after a while. My husband dying young was the worst thing to happen in my life and I've had some trials, but he loved me to the end. I'm glad in a way he never went through what I have.
Whatever life throws at us, there's some one worse off and we have to deal with what it throws at us, because despite everything it's precious and we can't alter what's happened. I'm not prepared to waste my time on what ifs, it hurts like hell at times but I cannot dwell.

Pain is individual to each person. It can’t be measured by comparison.

One of my granddaughters died, as a baby, and that was just awful. Not the natural order of things.

My DH dying poleaxed me, I’d never felt pain like it, but grief is a process to work through, which I am. I know how much he loved me, and that brings a comfort. Yes, reality says one of you will die first, but it doesn’t stop the desolation when it happens.

My stepkids hurting my DH, with 18 years of bouncing estrangement, left me furious and very sad on his behalf. They are now out of my life.

I’ve been lucky, and it IS luck, that my ACs and in-laws are fine with me.

Whatever it is - it’s the same recovery process of accepting what can’t be changed, and finding the joys of life in other ways.🙂

chocolatepeanuts

Smileless2012

No one would expect to have any contact with the wife or husband of the son or daughter they're estranged from.

My MIL did as I was the only one that gave her any response to anything. In the end, I decided it was his job, so left them to it.

After twenty years though, if my DH decided to mend bridges, there does come a point where no matter what, it's too late and there's too much water under the bridge, lack of shared experience during important times, to build any kind of relationship. I'd be polite but, other than that, that ship has sailed for me.

Smileless, I recently did hear from my DiL, my son would be horrified if he knew. It was a brief message but important.

My situation isn't like others, I know. My son is controlling and misogynistic like his abusive father, sadly. A few years ago he banned her from talking to me and to other members of the family. He even asked me to hit her , saying she wouldn't respect me otherwise (I refused) He has been controlling her and it's not a good relationship.

I can understand how important receiving that message would be 00opsidia, it was a brave thing for your d.i.l. to do bearing in mind what your son is like. You must worry about her as well as the GC x

Hi all! I appreciate everyone's contributions so far but I did take a little step back after my initial response because the topic seemed to change to which is worse, bereavement vs. estrangement, which I don't really have a well-formed opinion on.

I thought I might as well bump this thread in case anybody else had some thoughts on my OP. Of course, it's okay if the OP simply feels too thin to contribute any more to! But wanted to bump it on the off chance there are any other thoughts as I'd be glad to hear them still.

Once they are dead, that's it, its too late.Mend bridges when you can. There is a song by Bread, I would give everything I own, that sums it up for me.