How do I get through to her?

BlessedArt

Dorrain

I agree with Grams2five, you have done your best and invited everyone.
Your sister, in my opinion, is pitting you against her son which I see as spiteful and childish.
As you say "Next Christmas isn't promised to any of us" and if your sister can't look at the big picture she is missing the whole point of family and Xmas celebrations.
Good luck, sometimes we have to be the adult in the room and look further than the disagreements which pop up in all relationships.

This is how I feel. She didn’t explicitly say she expected me to choose, but it was so apparent in her tone and the long awkward pause before she abruptly ended our call and hasn’t answered for me in days. These are not the values our family raised us with. We were always brought up not to turn on each other.

She didn’t explicitly say she expected me to choose, but it was so apparent in her tone and the long awkward pause before she abruptly ended our call and hasn’t answered for me in days.

This is so unfair - your sister is now pulling other family members into her feud with her son.

Whatever the cause of their estrangement, it is just so wrong to drag others into the web.

You love them both, you want both to attend the traditional family get together.

She hasn't told you to dis-invite her son, and neither should she, the ball is entirely in her court. Either she comes to the dinner or she doesn't. Her choice.

Don't be dragged into this estrangement between her and her son, it's their problem. If you involve yourself with one or the other, the rift will widen, and more than likely both will turn on you ultimately.

She does sound very like my sister who at times holds the whole family to ransom. The thing is she makes all the drama and then in the end backs down, I don't know why she is like this but it can be infuriating.

This happened a few weeks ago when she was planning our family Christmas event. When a few of us expressed our disagreement she finally backed off.

The difference with my family is that we have regular get togethers throughout the year and if someone can't make it, it doesn't matter.

It sounds as if there is a lot of pressure in your family to attend this one event, maybe because it is Christmas. I'm not sure I could deal with that kind of pressure and I feel you are the one suffering because of that pressure.

I think you just have to let this play out. The world won't end (I hope!) whatever occurs. Sometimes things have to change.
It isn't worth your allowing your sister to cause you pain over this.
If you hold your ground you may find she changes her mind and turns up all sweetness and light which is what my sister would do, after kicking up an almighty fuss beforehand.
It's just families, we love each other but at times we drive each other nuts.

This is a tradition we have kept since our parents died. It’s not a small matter if she doesn’t show. Everyone will be upset to see the division. My sister and her son are estranged but they are equally entitled to attend this particular family event. It’s not my place to decide who is and isn’t invited, I can only decline to host. The family would like us all to continue. My sister is the only person making an issue

You cant control what other people do or how other people feel. You have invited everyone. Now it is up to them to decide what they want to do. Your nephew has made his decision. His mother can do the same. Other members of the family can make their own minds up about the situation. You have done your bit by inviting everyone. Provide all the lovely food and traditions for those who are there and accept what will be will be. Its NOT your responsibility 💐

Babs03

So let her make alternative plans, obviously that isn’t great but it what it is. Give her some time, and get on with your usual Xmas plans. This is between your nephew and his mother and it will be upsetting to you because as you have said you are close to your sister. Would send her a text or email asking how she is but keep it light, don’t mention the fall out, just say you miss your chats. If she remains closed off take the message and just be there for her when she finally comes round.
Have a lovely Xmas all the same 🌹

Great advice

Hithere

"Last year at the party my sister created a bit of an atmosphere having a go at my DIL over something trivial. It was brief and the moment passed. I thought that would be the extent of it all, but apparently things have devolved to this point."

I see lots of denial in your part

Your tradition will never be the same.
Your nephew and your sister may never be in the same room again

Your sister may ask you to pick sides

I bet it was not as trivial as you think and it was rugswept

No, it was obviously the extent of it, it just fueled the resentment that was in the background

I think saying they may never be in the same room again is a bit dramatic.

Yes, she can be foolish. She is pushy and imo borderline controlling. But she’s also very lovable when she is not leaning into her worst instincts. She is very loved by her family. She also my only sibling, my children’s only aunt, and more importantly the only mother my nephew has. He is not refusing to be in her presence, so I highly doubt this will be a forever feud. But it will last long if she doesn’t act her age and let it go.

"Last year at the party my sister created a bit of an atmosphere having a go at my DIL over something trivial. It was brief and the moment passed. I thought that would be the extent of it all, but apparently things have devolved to this point."

I see lots of denial in your part

Your tradition will never be the same.
Your nephew and your sister may never be in the same room again

Your sister may ask you to pick sides

I bet it was not as trivial as you think and it was rugswept

No, it was obviously the extent of it, it just fueled the resentment that was in the background

So let her make alternative plans, obviously that isn’t great but it what it is. Give her some time, and get on with your usual Xmas plans. This is between your nephew and his mother and it will be upsetting to you because as you have said you are close to your sister. Would send her a text or email asking how she is but keep it light, don’t mention the fall out, just say you miss your chats. If she remains closed off take the message and just be there for her when she finally comes round.
Have a lovely Xmas all the same 🌹

swampy1961

You have put the invite out to everyone that you wish to invite. Now they need to be told they are all welcome but if they come they leave their issues and the front door and pick them up on their way out!!

Absolutely. Last year at the party my sister created a bit of an atmosphere having a go at my DIL over something trivial. It was brief and the moment passed. I thought that would be the extent of it all, but apparently things have devolved to this point.

swampy1961

You have put the invite out to everyone that you wish to invite. Now they need to be told they are all welcome but if they come they leave their issues and the front door and pick them up on their way out!!

'at' the front door!!

You have put the invite out to everyone that you wish to invite. Now they need to be told they are all welcome but if they come they leave their issues and the front door and pick them up on their way out!!

She asked if her son and DIL told me they planned to go. I answered yes of course. She asked me in a highly annoyed tone if I were serious. When I answered yes she stated well she’ll make alternative plans, whatever that meant. When I asked if she were joking there was a long awkward pause and then she abruptly ended the call. Hasn’t returned a phone call since and we speak almost daily.

So it is not an invite given and declined? Sister has simply informed you early she is not coming?

Also, I cannot repeat this enough, I am merely host of this year’s venue. The event is a family event open to all members. There are no invitations to give or rescind. All are entitled to come.

eazybee

You have invited your sister and her estranged son to a family do; she is threatening not to come.
Her decision. It is you who is making it into a family issue.

This is a tradition we have kept since our parents died. It’s not a small matter if she doesn’t show. Everyone will be upset to see the division.

Oh, the tyranny of family traditions.

I’m not the one going around talking about it to the rest of the family, so that assumption is completely off-base. It’s my sister doing that.

Agree about the tyranny of family traditions. I don’t think anyone is openly pressuring her to go, but I do think we are setting ourselves up for disappointment by expecting it wouldn’t change. Still, it’s not a crime to want to be together one day a year.

I’m going to have to. It’s really unfortunate. For one she and I are incredibly close. It’s already abnormal that we haven’t spoken in days. Now my daughter is saying she has been ignoring her as well. I told her to leave her Auntie be and not to take it personal, but she is very hurt. My sister is like a second mother to her.

I don't like my sister or her husband and daughter . My niece is a nasty piece of work, been ruined by her father. Some years ago she said she was visiting me with her baby and told me to keep the dog in the garden and vacuum the house from top to bottom!

You have invited your sister and her estranged son to a family do; she is threatening not to come.
Her decision. It is you who is making it into a family issue.

This is a tradition we have kept since our parents died. It’s not a small matter if she doesn’t show. Everyone will be upset to see the division.

Oh, the tyranny of family traditions.

So ignore her and she might stop her tantrum if she gets no attention.

Best of luck

It’s not just about me. It’s about her, her grandchild, her son, her daughter in law, husband, nieces, nephew, sons, brother in law. It’s about all of us. No one is okay with her attitude right now. She is being silly and I stand firm there. We are too old for this silly drama. These types of dramas may be the norm for others. Up until recently it has not been the norm for us. We aren’t a perfect family but we are also not whatever this is. I will concede that not every year will be a Hallmark Christmas, but the aftermath of this holiday will have lasting impact. Perhaps my title shouldn’t have reduced it to just a typical Christmas drama. This is about a family fracture in a small tight-knit clam driven by a particular individual. We love her dearly but enough is enough. So no, hithere, this isn’t me making it about me. I’m just the only one you’re hearing from.

Traditions change

It is unrealistic that they will remain picture perfect forever

There are several layers here

1. The estrangement/conflict is between two people close to you - nothing you can do about it

You invited them and that's it.

2. If your sister is a drama queen, stop adding wood to the fire. Simple

3. Xmas' expectations may ruin family relationships. Same threads every year.
Thinking that two people who clearly dont get along can put their Halmark face on for family xmas traditions is truly unrealistic

You don't get to evaluate what is silly or not, you are an external party to this conflict

Which brings me to my last point

Stop making this about you, your health, about being close to death for your pov.

If you want, have one dinner/lunch with your nephew and extend another invite to your sister, when thr nephew won't be there.

Luminance

You invited everyone because you love them all and your sister has declined because her son will be there. That's that really. You can't take sides as she seems to want. Prepare yourself for her to feel that you have taken her son's side because you haven't taken hers. It doesn't sound like she is thinking clearly at the moment. Younger people parent differently these days, it's not really up to us to agree or disagree, we just have to respect that. I hope that the situation improves and your sister sees the wasted opportunity this would be to make things right again for herself, her son, her grandchildren and the wider family.

This is really my fear. That she will inappropriately take this as the rest of us choosing sides. There shouldn’t be sides. Not in our family.

You invited everyone because you love them all and your sister has declined because her son will be there. That's that really. You can't take sides as she seems to want. Prepare yourself for her to feel that you have taken her son's side because you haven't taken hers. It doesn't sound like she is thinking clearly at the moment. Younger people parent differently these days, it's not really up to us to agree or disagree, we just have to respect that. I hope that the situation improves and your sister sees the wasted opportunity this would be to make things right again for herself, her son, her grandchildren and the wider family.

NougatNewt

Honestly sounds like she's glad this is causing so much family drama and frustration. Perhaps she was even counting on the family holidays, in a naive attempt to pressure her son to finally capitulate.

My genuine advice is that there's nothing you can do, as the responsibility lies solely to the parties involved (either the kids do what the parent wants or the parent grows up suddenly, both unlikely).

What's more important is you don't feed her desire for negativity by showing any signs of frustration with the whole situation. She will eventually give up once she realizes her method isn't getting her what she wants.

Question is if you really want someone like that around for any future event. Family or not. If anything, family should be held to a much higher standard, not a lower one.

I hope she's capable of change because it sounds like she has a lot of room to grow; if this is really the whole picture.

I agree with this fully.

NougatNewt

"My sister thinks they should apologize for setting boundaries. It’s silly stuff tbh"

That sounds more than silly

For them, sure. But I have been too close to death to look at that situation as anything but.

Honestly sounds like she's glad this is causing so much family drama and frustration. Perhaps she was even counting on the family holidays, in a naive attempt to pressure her son to finally capitulate.

My genuine advice is that there's nothing you can do, as the responsibility lies solely to the parties involved (either the kids do what the parent wants or the parent grows up suddenly, both unlikely).

What's more important is you don't feed her desire for negativity by showing any signs of frustration with the whole situation. She will eventually give up once she realizes her method isn't getting her what she wants.

Question is if you really want someone like that around for any future event. Family or not. If anything, family should be held to a much higher standard, not a lower one.

I hope she's capable of change because it sounds like she has a lot of room to grow; if this is really the whole picture.