How do I get through to her?

So were your sister and her son not estranged last Christmas? What were the arrangements then?

She is 'threatening' not to show up for a family celebration. I don't understand why not showing up would be a threat to you?
It may be disappointing and hurtful, but a threat?

You then say she and her family are estranged- from each other, or from you? Again, I'm confused.

I read on, and figure that because you have invited her son, from whom she is estranged, she won't come.
I think I would be inclined to say that you are free to invite who you like, and if she doesn't want to be there, then that's her choice.

I'm sorry she is putting you through this- could you maybe ask her to come another time, when she feels comfortable doing so?

We have a sister like this, but we tend to ignore her drama making and carry on regardless. Maybe have a word with your nephew too? Why would he come if he knew it would upset his mum?

I think this is something they have to work out between themselves so maybe don't invite either of them until they can behave like adults. You don't need this kind of stress in your life. Leave them to it.

flappergirl

So were your sister and her son not estranged last Christmas? What were the arrangements then?

They were not but the tension was palpable.

keepingquiet

She is 'threatening' not to show up for a family celebration. I don't understand why not showing up would be a threat to you?
It may be disappointing and hurtful, but a threat?

You then say she and her family are estranged- from each other, or from you? Again, I'm confused.

I read on, and figure that because you have invited her son, from whom she is estranged, she won't come.
I think I would be inclined to say that you are free to invite who you like, and if she doesn't want to be there, then that's her choice.

I'm sorry she is putting you through this- could you maybe ask her to come another time, when she feels comfortable doing so?

We have a sister like this, but we tend to ignore her drama making and carry on regardless. Maybe have a word with your nephew too? Why would he come if he knew it would upset his mum?

I think this is something they have to work out between themselves so maybe don't invite either of them until they can behave like adults. You don't need this kind of stress in your life. Leave them to it.

This is a tradition we have kept since our parents died. It’s not a small matter if she doesn’t show. Everyone will be upset to see the division. My sister and her son are estranged but they are equally entitled to attend this particular family event. It’s not my place to decide who is and isn’t invited, I can only decline to host. The family would like us all to continue. My sister is the only person making an issue.

The problem with this is that other family members could be drawn into this estrangement making this a much bigger issue with some taking sides.
I know is a tradition but will still be a family bash if your sister isn’t there but can arrange to see you another day, surely this can happen if someone falls ill. And would only suggest that your nephew and family come because if they have children that is what Xmas is all about.
And if your sister is upset about this, indeed I imagine she is upset already about the estrangement so maybe Xmas isn’t that important to her right now, just tell her that in the circumstances you had no choice but will really miss her on the day as will other family members and look forward to seeing her Xmas eve/boxing day.
Can’t really see how you can do this otherwise.

Yes I realize the most likely outcome is that she will likely not come and it will be a shame. Her grandchild will be there. My children are looking forward to seeing her, as two of them live a distance and have a close relationship with her, as I do with her sons. Prior to our most recent conversation, my sister and I saw each other regularly. It’s not just that I won’t see her, but about her being proud and a bit spiteful to kill a tradition our children and their children look forward to each year. We all did. Her son and DIL have no problem with her being there. She should get over herself and put this silly feud aside to be with her family at Christmas. That’s what family is about, being tolerant. Next Christmas isn’t promised to any of us.

Is he actually going to come?

I think you’ve done your part by inviting them both. If nephew and his family are fine coming if she’s there or not then the onus is on your sister to decide what matters more to her. Continuing the estrangement and staying away or coming to the family holiday. It’s her choice to make and no one to blame but herself if she stays away. You’ve invited them both mot taken sides it’s up to the to choose for themselves

I agree with Grams2five, you have done your best and invited everyone.
Your sister, in my opinion, is pitting you against her son which I see as spiteful and childish.
As you say "Next Christmas isn't promised to any of us" and if your sister can't look at the big picture she is missing the whole point of family and Xmas celebrations.
Good luck, sometimes we have to be the adult in the room and look further than the disagreements which pop up in all relationships.

You can’t control others feelings or decisions You have invited them now up to them whether they come or not Now it’s OUT of your hands
The trouble with big family get togethers there ll always be someone not doing what you want or expect
Enjoy your meal

It's a family tradition where everyone is invited. As you said, you can't simply un-invite your nephew and his family just because your sister has had a falling out with them.

I'd tell her that, as always, the invite is open to all, and you wouldn't want anyone to be left out. However, you need to tell her that the issue between her and her son is nothing to do with you, and they need to sort it out between themselves, and decide what they're going to do about it. It's not right that you should be put into a position of having to choose between certain family members. Let them sort it out and decide whether or not they can act like adults, and not create a bad atmosphere, and spoil the day for everyone else. Or, one of them chooses not to come. Their decision, not yours.

And I'd also be telling them that if one or the other causes any upset on the day, then you'll have to ask them both to leave, as it's not fair on everyone else.

Hope it can all be sorted out before Christmas!

Does it matter? She sounds like a spoiled brat and your celebrations will be better without her. You can't spend the holiday pussy-footing around divas.

Can I ask why she's estranged with her son? It sounds like she initiated the estrangement, since her son doesn't mind seeing her.

Did no contact happen because the son severely mistreated her grandchildren or maybe unapologetically killed the family dog one drunken night?

Or is this just another form of attempted control over the son? Giving him the silent treatment because he didn't do something she wanted, maybe like spending less time on his nuclear family to spend more time on her?

You have invited everyone, she has refused, it’s you that needs to respect her wishes. Her decision.
Your sister will be upset at the estrangement, it means not seeing her only son and grandchildren. You don’t know the reasons for the estrangement and shouldn't judge. She is losing out. I would attend if it were me, take any chance to see gc. However I am not her.
Invite her another time or go out with her.

What is the "silly feud"?
What may be silly to the rest of you all, may not be silly to her?

As for the silent treatment, just tell her you are not leaving anyone out . Don't cajole and just behave normally, if she won't speak, leave it a week and try again, if shes still refusing to speak just say you are always there for her when she decides. One of my family is a champion sulker for years at a time with everyone, often she cant remember why. I let her get on with it.

Given your sister is refusing to come, is she perhaps the instigator of the estrangement?

What was reason for the estrangement? Was anyone at fault in your opinion?

Allsorts

As for the silent treatment, just tell her you are not leaving anyone out . Don't cajole and just behave normally, if she won't speak, leave it a week and try again, if shes still refusing to speak just say you are always there for her when she decides. One of my family is a champion sulker for years at a time with everyone, often she cant remember why. I let her get on with it.

I agree with this.

What a sad and stressful situation. I agree with others that you were right to invited the family members who usually gather at Christmas.
Without knowing what caused the estrangement, or even if we did, I find it difficult to judge your sister. Estrangement is always painful and rarely happens as a result of a minor one off row. It’s up to your sister to decide whether to come but she should make that decision now, not leave it hanging. If she decides to come, she’d be wise to try and make steps to resolve the estrangement rather than inflict tension on everyone else

Unfortunately when there's a family estrangement it's more than just the ones who are estranged who are often affected.

I agree with Allsorts that you need to respect her decision not to attend; you've extended an invitation and it's up to her whether or not she wishes to accept.

You've probably done so already but if not, explain that you invited your nephew and family because that's what you've always done and don't want to take sides.

Everyone is invited , it's up to them whether they attend or not. Of course your nephew and his family must be there! Your sister must decide for herself whether she shows up or not. You are hosting and have enough to do preparing for that! Speak to her or send a message saying of course everyone will be invited , you love her and want her there. Don't get into too much conversation about it , give her the facts, step back and hope for the best. Whatever has happened between her and your son is between them and must not disrupt a family celebration!! She is not thinking about the impact this is having on you is she ? Enjoy your Christmas celebration and let your sister do what she feels is right for her - just tell her what is happening. ! Good luck!

Sorry - her and her son !!

It’s not at all unusual for a family member to have some kind of issue and cause problems, all you can do is invite them and make them feel welcome. If they choose not to come it’s their problem, if the issue is with another family member keep them apart.
Alchohol loosening tongues makes any issue worse so be prepared to “manage” the party.

NotSpaghetti

Is he actually going to come?

Absolutely. I spoke with him recently. It’s how I found out how long he and his mother have not been on speaking terms. At this point he finds the estrangement to be tedious. My sister and I usually chat every other day and she has intentionally kept the extend of this silly feud from me.