How do I get through to her?

@ Babs. I learned since childhood not to overshare my opinions with her. Never unsolicited and pretty much only when she expects me to think or behave contrary to my own perspective. She is more upset at the family’s “neutrality” than anything. She gets upset at anyone who doesn’t agree with her. As the older sister you learn how to manage the crazy lol. She’s just gone too far this time. We love her. She knows that. She also knows the rest of us are drama-avoidant. We only care that we get to be all together this one day a year. We are family.

"My sister thinks they should apologize for setting boundaries. It’s silly stuff tbh"

That sounds more than silly

Well it sounds as if your sister is being unreasonable and seeing as you all have this opinion of her atm this will possibly make her feel isolated and defensive. Is bad enough that her son and DiL have this opinion- even if it is deserved- then if you have that opinion too it could feel like ganging up rather than proving your point.
Somewhere in all of this is a middle ground where there are no rights or wrongs just a compromise but with all the charged emotions surrounding Xmas on top of your sister falling out with her son, I think you all need to step back and give her space. No accusations, no ‘I’m right about this’ even if you are, and be sure to offer her a sisterly shoulder to cry on if she feels this is getting her down, which I imagine it must be.
All the best with this tricky situation xx

Thank you all for letting vent. I needed to get it off my chest because I can hardly discuss this in my real life without it being gossip. I needed to offload and I appreciate the feedback!

Smileless2012

Unfortunately when there's a family estrangement it's more than just the ones who are estranged who are often affected.

I agree with Allsorts that you need to respect her decision not to attend; you've extended an invitation and it's up to her whether or not she wishes to accept.

You've probably done so already but if not, explain that you invited your nephew and family because that's what you've always done and don't want to take sides.

Yes I’ve told them both I am not taking sides. We weren’t raised this way. Our children weren’t.

Allsorts

As for the silent treatment, just tell her you are not leaving anyone out . Don't cajole and just behave normally, if she won't speak, leave it a week and try again, if shes still refusing to speak just say you are always there for her when she decides. One of my family is a champion sulker for years at a time with everyone, often she cant remember why. I let her get on with it.

Yes I agree with this. I absolutely won’t contact her again or bring it up. I will let her come to me but I won’t discuss Christmas with her again

fancythat

What is the "silly feud"?
What may be silly to the rest of you all, may not be silly to her?

Getting upset that two independent married 30 year olds aren’t parenting the way you did is silly. She complains to anyone and everyone about how “disrespectful” they are because they push back on her dated advice and no one but her husband agrees with her. It’s silly. We are family. We are all we have. Life is too short for petty drama.

Allsorts

You have invited everyone, she has refused, it’s you that needs to respect her wishes. Her decision.
Your sister will be upset at the estrangement, it means not seeing her only son and grandchildren. You don’t know the reasons for the estrangement and shouldn't judge. She is losing out. I would attend if it were me, take any chance to see gc. However I am not her.
Invite her another time or go out with her.

You haven’t asked me if I know about the situation. I do. Your assumption is false. No one said I was pressuring her to come either, so you are wrong about that as well. I’m venting here, not to her. And I don’t respect her selfish decision.

It’s not a matter of invitation either because event is a family event open to all family. I am merely providing the venue this year, as it was my year.

He also isn’t her only son. Please ask questions before inventing your own backstory. This is a real family that is hurting, not just a bunch of words on your screen.

NougatNewt

Can I ask why she's estranged with her son? It sounds like she initiated the estrangement, since her son doesn't mind seeing her.

Did no contact happen because the son severely mistreated her grandchildren or maybe unapologetically killed the family dog one drunken night?

Or is this just another form of attempted control over the son? Giving him the silent treatment because he didn't do something she wanted, maybe like spending less time on his nuclear family to spend more time on her?

Very typical domineering MIL stuff. He stood up for his wife. My sister isn’t used to that in her nuclear family.

My nephew and his wife are very clear that they have zero desire for an estrangement. They just needed her to back off. My sister thinks they should apologize for setting boundaries. It’s silly stuff tbh and I pivoted the conversation with my nephew once I realized how silly the whole thing was.

pascal30

This is what Christmas should represent love and forgiveness.. just leave the invitations open and don't get involved any further.. it'll all sort itself out.. one way or another

Yes. You are right!

mum2three

Does it matter? She sounds like a spoiled brat and your celebrations will be better without her. You can't spend the holiday pussy-footing around divas.

This made me laugh! She is and has always been a bit of a diva. Always very spoilt. Her husband enables it, but she’s still my sister and still the closest relative my children and grandchildren have outside of my husband and me. Our parents are gone. It’s just us two and our families now, minus a few distant relations we don’t really speak to frequently. Sadly, we live in a small town so she is also one of my closest friends despite being a total pain. My son is best friends with her estranged son. It’s an awkward situation for all.

Nansnet

It's a family tradition where everyone is invited. As you said, you can't simply un-invite your nephew and his family just because your sister has had a falling out with them.

I'd tell her that, as always, the invite is open to all, and you wouldn't want anyone to be left out. However, you need to tell her that the issue between her and her son is nothing to do with you, and they need to sort it out between themselves, and decide what they're going to do about it. It's not right that you should be put into a position of having to choose between certain family members. Let them sort it out and decide whether or not they can act like adults, and not create a bad atmosphere, and spoil the day for everyone else. Or, one of them chooses not to come. Their decision, not yours.

And I'd also be telling them that if one or the other causes any upset on the day, then you'll have to ask them both to leave, as it's not fair on everyone else.

Hope it can all be sorted out before Christmas!

Thank you! I will likely end up sending a message to her shortly before I need to finalize a head count. I am drained. A long term health battle will do that. She knows I hate drama. I won’t chase her to come, though it appears she expects this of me now as well as her son. I love her but I am too weary to engage her here. For once I just wish she’d think about the impact her attitude has on our entire family

BlueBelle

You can’t control others feelings or decisions You have invited them now up to them whether they come or not Now it’s OUT of your hands
The trouble with big family get togethers there ll always be someone not doing what you want or expect
Enjoy your meal

This is the first time we’ve ever experienced something to this extent. Not being able to make it has never been an issue when it arises. Not being able to make because of a feud is such a foreign concept in our family. We fight, we get over it. That’s how it’s always been. She’s always been a bit more pushy and stubborn than you’d like but she is really being over the top. It’s her own pushiness that causes the drama in the first place. She’s a grandmother for pete’s sake. Surely she can get over herself here?

This is what Christmas should represent love and forgiveness.. just leave the invitations open and don't get involved any further.. it'll all sort itself out.. one way or another

Dorrain

I agree with Grams2five, you have done your best and invited everyone.
Your sister, in my opinion, is pitting you against her son which I see as spiteful and childish.
As you say "Next Christmas isn't promised to any of us" and if your sister can't look at the big picture she is missing the whole point of family and Xmas celebrations.
Good luck, sometimes we have to be the adult in the room and look further than the disagreements which pop up in all relationships.

This is how I feel. She didn’t explicitly say she expected me to choose, but it was so apparent in her tone and the long awkward pause before she abruptly ended our call and hasn’t answered for me in days. These are not the values our family raised us with. We were always brought up not to turn on each other.

NotSpaghetti

Is he actually going to come?

Absolutely. I spoke with him recently. It’s how I found out how long he and his mother have not been on speaking terms. At this point he finds the estrangement to be tedious. My sister and I usually chat every other day and she has intentionally kept the extend of this silly feud from me.

It’s not at all unusual for a family member to have some kind of issue and cause problems, all you can do is invite them and make them feel welcome. If they choose not to come it’s their problem, if the issue is with another family member keep them apart.
Alchohol loosening tongues makes any issue worse so be prepared to “manage” the party.

Sorry - her and her son !!

Everyone is invited , it's up to them whether they attend or not. Of course your nephew and his family must be there! Your sister must decide for herself whether she shows up or not. You are hosting and have enough to do preparing for that! Speak to her or send a message saying of course everyone will be invited , you love her and want her there. Don't get into too much conversation about it , give her the facts, step back and hope for the best. Whatever has happened between her and your son is between them and must not disrupt a family celebration!! She is not thinking about the impact this is having on you is she ? Enjoy your Christmas celebration and let your sister do what she feels is right for her - just tell her what is happening. ! Good luck!

Unfortunately when there's a family estrangement it's more than just the ones who are estranged who are often affected.

I agree with Allsorts that you need to respect her decision not to attend; you've extended an invitation and it's up to her whether or not she wishes to accept.

You've probably done so already but if not, explain that you invited your nephew and family because that's what you've always done and don't want to take sides.

What a sad and stressful situation. I agree with others that you were right to invited the family members who usually gather at Christmas.
Without knowing what caused the estrangement, or even if we did, I find it difficult to judge your sister. Estrangement is always painful and rarely happens as a result of a minor one off row. It’s up to your sister to decide whether to come but she should make that decision now, not leave it hanging. If she decides to come, she’d be wise to try and make steps to resolve the estrangement rather than inflict tension on everyone else

Allsorts

As for the silent treatment, just tell her you are not leaving anyone out . Don't cajole and just behave normally, if she won't speak, leave it a week and try again, if shes still refusing to speak just say you are always there for her when she decides. One of my family is a champion sulker for years at a time with everyone, often she cant remember why. I let her get on with it.

I agree with this.

Given your sister is refusing to come, is she perhaps the instigator of the estrangement?

What was reason for the estrangement? Was anyone at fault in your opinion?

As for the silent treatment, just tell her you are not leaving anyone out . Don't cajole and just behave normally, if she won't speak, leave it a week and try again, if shes still refusing to speak just say you are always there for her when she decides. One of my family is a champion sulker for years at a time with everyone, often she cant remember why. I let her get on with it.

What is the "silly feud"?
What may be silly to the rest of you all, may not be silly to her?