How do I get through to her?

I would do the same as Babs - send a message saying how I missed chatting and simply asking how she is.

Hithere I didn't read the comment about being seriously ill in quite the same way as you. I just thought that being close to death made the disagreement seem rather trivial and the consequences out of proportion.

Just saying.

Have you had a frank conversation with her about the falling out and the impact on herself and the wider family ?
You have done nothing wrong with keeping with tradition and inviting everyone.
I would be asking why , despite her individual feud is she wanting to make you reject your nephew and family and divide the cousins / grandchildren etc as maybe she can’t see the bigger picture.
I would imagine the “threatening not to come” is her way of saying you are my sister and you should be loyal to me ! However life is not that black and white and you just need to tell her that the whole family is important to you , that you love her and want her to be there but that it is her choice if she comes or not.
Also is it a feud that you can help to calm or mend beforehand? I feel because she hasn’t said an outright No, she does want to come really but you don’t want the tensions of the year before.

BlessedArt

NoughatNewt

Emotional Terrorist in the sense that:

I'm going to hold out on approval, validation, love, respect, basic human decency and communication until you give in and do what I want.

Depending on how much the victim relies on the abuser, this silent treatment can be utterly devasting and world-shattering.

Sometimes the coercive diva parent can control the entire family to ostracize a person at home entirely.

We treat prisoners better than. Reserving Solitary Confinement only for the worst, uncontrollable offenders.

Tad harsh. We’re all flawed humans. Her good qualities can’t be erased by her not so great ones any more than yours and mine can be erased. If we cut out every family member with a bad attitude here and there, all family structures would crumble. She is a diva but her son is rightly holding the boundaries when it comes to his wife and child. The other son lives away so he’s living his life how he pleases. If we all maintain appropriate boundaries without the hoopla and hysterics estrangements would be fewer because we’d all be more tolerant of family. Not saying it’s possible for all, but is for many families. Flaws shouldn’t always be a death sentence for families. Society needs more tolerance and we need to start with our own.

No, you’re right. We are all flawed individuals. The families that get on best are those that accept certain flaws in others.

Not serious stuff, I’m just talking about minor quirks and flaws. 🙂

Could you share some things exactly that your sister wants her son/dil to change about their parenting??

Absolutely correct to take the stance you are! You get to love who you love. I hope for your sake your sister doesn't escalate any further but if she does you should know that's not your fault. Some women have too strong an attachment to their own sons and are unable to see the lines they are crossing with them and their DILs.

Babs03

An emotionally healthy response BlessedArt. Am hoping things between your sister and nephew improve soon.
All the best 🙏🏾

agreed

An emotionally healthy response BlessedArt. Am hoping things between your sister and nephew improve soon.
All the best 🙏🏾

BlessedArt

I appreciate all who took time to comment. Some blunt advice here but reading all your comments has helped.

There is nothing I can do and I need to let it go and accept that things in the family have changed, be it for better or worse.

Agreed.

Really nothing you can do. Her invite to accept or not. Don't engage in her drama - ignore and wait patiently.

What a great post BlessedArt . I hope with your common sense attitude to this family situation that things will get sorted and you'll have the Christmas you're hoping for.

NoughatNewt

Emotional Terrorist in the sense that:

I'm going to hold out on approval, validation, love, respect, basic human decency and communication until you give in and do what I want.

Depending on how much the victim relies on the abuser, this silent treatment can be utterly devasting and world-shattering.

Sometimes the coercive diva parent can control the entire family to ostracize a person at home entirely.

We treat prisoners better than. Reserving Solitary Confinement only for the worst, uncontrollable offenders.

Tad harsh. We’re all flawed humans. Her good qualities can’t be erased by her not so great ones any more than yours and mine can be erased. If we cut out every family member with a bad attitude here and there, all family structures would crumble. She is a diva but her son is rightly holding the boundaries when it comes to his wife and child. The other son lives away so he’s living his life how he pleases. If we all maintain appropriate boundaries without the hoopla and hysterics estrangements would be fewer because we’d all be more tolerant of family. Not saying it’s possible for all, but is for many families. Flaws shouldn’t always be a death sentence for families. Society needs more tolerance and we need to start with our own.

Macadia

Don't worry. Just keep inviting both of them and one year one of them or both of them will grow up. Do t stop your wonderful tradition and have the best day ever!

thank you!

welbeck

She sounds to be strangulated by self importance.
Why can't you just tell her she is being a prat.

She’s strangulated by a somewhat controlling nature she appears to be unaware of. She would get jealous of my friends when we were younger. She has never got along with any woman her sons have been with. Didn’t rub along with her own MIL. She is also very sensitive and does not do well with people disagreeing with her. I wish we had the kind of relationship where I could bluntly tell her to grow up but it would cause WW3. On the other hand you won’t meet a more devoted wife, mother, sister, or friend. She is loyal, when she is being kind there is no one kinder, and the way she supported my own husband and children through my illness will never, ever be forgotten.

Don't worry. Just keep inviting both of them and one year one of them or both of them will grow up. Do t stop your wonderful tradition and have the best day ever!

Emotional Terrorist in the sense that:

I'm going to hold out on approval, validation, love, respect, basic human decency and communication until you give in and do what I want.

Depending on how much the victim relies on the abuser, this silent treatment can be utterly devasting and world-shattering.

Sometimes the coercive diva parent can control the entire family to ostracize a person at home entirely.

We treat prisoners better than. Reserving Solitary Confinement only for the worst, uncontrollable offenders.

It's such a shame that something so benign as 2 parents asking for no input on their parenting can be so easily misconstrued as "drama".

It's not drama, and it's more than silly because it's irrational and not harsh to claim it's borderline abusive.

If a friend completely stopped talking to me because I wouldn't do something with my own life that they wanted me to do differently. I would not negotiate with emotional terrorists and just cut them off in return until they stop being an immature prat.

It's no different with family members.

It's borderline abusive, look how much frustration and stress this is causing. And purely for self-centered, manipulative reasons too.

Unless the sister wants her son to stop abusing his kids or smoking in the same room as them than I have no sympathy for her childish tantrum. Especially at her age.

"Fine. You will be missed. That's your decision."

I strongly agree with not getting involved in their drama. She's decided she doesn't want contact and she doesn't feel able to be in the same room with her son and his family. That's her choice. What she doesn't have the right to do is demand everyone else take "sides".

If she decides to cut everyone else off because they won't get involved, that's also her choice.

Keep in mind that you aren't obliged to give her an audience. If you just state that her choices are her choices, end of, and don't entertain rants about her son or her moaning and complaining that everyone is "against" her, if she wants attention, she's going to learn very quickly that she's not going to get what she wants. If attention is her goal, she may then adapt her behaviour.

She sounds to be strangulated by self importance.
Why can't you just tell her she is being a prat.

@NougatNewt
A tad harsh. The OP sounds irritated by her sister's behaviour but the two of them are close so I don't think she is going to tell her sister that she is borderline abusive. This sounds like a falling out rather than the result of bad parenting. Many families will be facing similar scenarios this Xmas with certain relatives refusing to be in the same room as others. Weddings and funerals are the same. I have every faith that the sister and her son will sort things out before too long and that the sort of intervention you suggest could make things ten times worse. And even if they don't sort things out any time soon is not advisable for other family members to take sides. This is between the mother and her son.

And just hope she has the mental capacity to accept any amount of constructive criticism to grow/change.

BlessedArt

She asked if her son and DIL told me they planned to go. I answered yes of course. She asked me in a highly annoyed tone if I were serious. When I answered yes she stated well she’ll make alternative plans, whatever that meant. When I asked if she were joking there was a long awkward pause and then she abruptly ended the call. Hasn’t returned a phone call since and we speak almost daily.

Just a possibility, but she may have fooled you and actually been immature this entire time.

It's always easy to act mature when things are easy; when you're in control. But if she's not used to hearing the word No (perhaps when her son was smaller and didn't have the brains and/or brawn to say No), than she may truly feel like this common-sense boundary between 2 adults is actually a wholehearted attack on her (ego).

If she is actually immature, than she may truly struggle to consider the future implications of her actions. This irrational behavior in adults is usually easily explained away as some trauma-response (usually childhood), and there isn't room to think about the future under traumatic conditions.

Your best bet to solve this quickly, before the holidays is to explain her behavior is irrational and borderline abusive (I know what it's like to have a caregiver give the silent treatment as one way to enforce compliance, it doesn't feel nice). Explain to her the future consequence of her short-sighted actions, because she may really have not thought this completely through.

I appreciate all who took time to comment. Some blunt advice here but reading all your comments has helped.

There is nothing I can do and I need to let it go and accept that things in the family have changed, be it for better or worse.

eazybee

If you are so bothered about her coming, can you not contact her again and play the peace-maker; you say you love her and you are very close. Say you are sorry if she is upset and you do hope you will see her at the Christmas party. If she won't answer the phone push a note through her letterbox, or talk to her husband. Then you really have tried everything, and if it doesn't work, then Let It Go.

I feel like any attempt to play peacemaker will backfire, so I don’t intend to get involved any further than this. I don’t want to. I need to prioritize my own mental and physical health right now. I let her know weeks ago that I’m not keen on listening to her rants against her DIL and son. I only know the information my nephew provided because they bring the baby round every few weeks or so. He has actually only spoken about it to me in the context of Christmas. It’s my sister who is going around the family trying to get people on side. My only goal during her last rant was to impress upon her that this Christmas event could be the last we all spend together. I have my opinions on their situation but I mostly keep them to myself because no good will come of getting deep into this. I love my sister. I love my nephew and his wife and child. My door is always open to them all. Always. I know there is nothing I can do. I just want my family to heal.

keepingquiet

She does sound very like my sister who at times holds the whole family to ransom. The thing is she makes all the drama and then in the end backs down, I don't know why she is like this but it can be infuriating.

This happened a few weeks ago when she was planning our family Christmas event. When a few of us expressed our disagreement she finally backed off.

The difference with my family is that we have regular get togethers throughout the year and if someone can't make it, it doesn't matter.

It sounds as if there is a lot of pressure in your family to attend this one event, maybe because it is Christmas. I'm not sure I could deal with that kind of pressure and I feel you are the one suffering because of that pressure.

I think you just have to let this play out. The world won't end (I hope!) whatever occurs. Sometimes things have to change.
It isn't worth your allowing your sister to cause you pain over this.
If you hold your ground you may find she changes her mind and turns up all sweetness and light which is what my sister would do, after kicking up an almighty fuss beforehand.
It's just families, we love each other but at times we drive each other nuts.

Yes! I feel like you have a strong understanding of the dynamic here.

You’re right. Things change. The family will just have to accept this.

“It’s just families, we love each but at times we drive each other nuts”. This about sums it up. Thank you for understanding where I’m coming from.

If you are so bothered about her coming, can you not contact her again and play the peace-maker; you say you love her and you are very close. Say you are sorry if she is upset and you do hope you will see her at the Christmas party. If she won't answer the phone push a note through her letterbox, or talk to her husband. Then you really have tried everything, and if it doesn't work, then Let It Go.