Guardian article - i never want you around your grandchild

My own second daughter went through a rebellious stage where she thought her parents (we) were horrible to her and she would never treat her children like that.

We held the line and she got over it, when she did have her own children she was even tougher than we were!.

How and why do some children become involved with a wrong crowd? What leads a woman into an abusive relationship? Why would anyone who felt happy and safe in the family home end up troubled enough to to fall into abusive patterns as an adult and view this as normal or what they deserve? These are questions many more educated than I have answered well.

Many estrangements are because the adult child blames the parents for poor parenting in some way, when it really was the choices that she/he made as a teen

My sister was one of those, there was no problem at home, we went to school together until I was 16, nothing untoward, but, she always hung around with the “bad boys” seeing the problems, parents did what they could to discourage her. Despite that eventually she married one, that lasted 2 yrs no kids so no real damage, then she married a really bad boy, 2 children, that was a disaster, husband was jailed, both daughters walked out a 16, one doesn’t speak to her now after 20 yrs
She’s OK now with her 3rd husband, a miserable life all because she got involved with the wrong crowd as a teen

Back on the topic of the Guardian article, I imagine this would have been a much more rounded piece if it addressed estrangements caused by third parties - as has been said - and by abusive ACs which is not as uncommon a phenomenon as people might assume. I think a piece written by Esther Rantzen addressing estranged grandparents would go some way towards redressing the balance but sadly she obvs isn’t well enough to continue with this cause which is close to her heart.
Though I suppose one article can’t cover all bases, it is a bit predictable and even lazy journalism to just go down the - ‘parents are to blame’ - route. In some cases they are but where are the cited cases where they aren’t?

I don’t think Reddit trolls will target you JaneJudge, they go for the jugular with EPs, I have been trolled as have a few others, but all EPs. It is horrible even though I consider myself a tough old trout, and I agree with what you said earlier, Smiles is a kind and thoughtful contributor, sadly some posters don’t want kindness but rather something to fight against in order to justify their own hatred.

I now feel like I’m being discussed on Reddit even though I don’t know what it is 🙈

Tbh I don’t need to discuss my estrangement on here. I more or less made peace with accepting I needed to move on and couldn’t change the outcome. Mine involved abuse though that I’ve had to work through. I don’t feel I’m like everyone else though, it’s just something that has happened to me. I feel for all people it affects really as it can be isolating

Your post Luminance was a balanced viewpoint and pretty nigh perfect I think as an assessment of generational evaluations. What happened in the past can’t be altered of course but loving communications might help heal wounds and behaviours reset perhaps for future relationships.

I’ve (fortunately) no experience of family estrangement so what do I know? Nothing really. But communication must be key if possible before positions become intransigent and feelings hurt beyond repair.

Babs03

I agree Smileless, EACs who want a mature and balanced debate about what happened in their case will be put off by the immature and abusive EACs who come on her causing mischief. And it also makes it harder for EPs to come on here when they read such nasty posts. Both need a sympathetic and sensitive hearing, not to be subjected to the invective of posters whose aim is far from being either.

Exactly this!

Height of rudeness and immaturity!

Unhappily, you always get some “stir it up trolls” on sites like this.

Sad people, best ignored. 🙄

Grunty
It would be hell for normal people but some are wired differently. The pity is: they don’t know it, it’s always somebody else’s fault.

I think I will spend my time on other subjects until these become a little more on topic

Why aren't you people spending time with your wonderful children, and marvellous husbands, having healthy interactions??

Because they're angry and bitter and need to lash out at someone. They've likely screwed up their relationship with their parents, probably siblings too and have nowhere else to vent their misery. The fact that they pore over every estrangement thread, looking for any post that they perceive to be less than 100% supportive of adults estranging their parents and ripping it to shreds. Their sheer unresolved anger, frustration and misery must be all consuming, and thoroughly exhausting, and I can only pity them that they can't find a more constructive way to help themselves. It must be hell inside their head.

So if you're married with children of your own AllKindOfSorts are you unable to spend time with your own children and husband having healthy interactions?

That's so sad .

AllKindsOfSorts

I don't get to have those healthy interactions because my parent fucked me up beyond most repair doing "the best she could"

She certainly did.

Good question MissA. If their lives are better, healthier and happier without the ones they've estranged, why are they so angry and bitter?

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Why aren't you people spending time with your wonderful children, and marvellous husbands, having healthy interactions??

I read the article earlier and thought it was sad. There are so many different experiences coming under the same tales of unhappiness on both sides and lack of communication and hurt feelings.

I always think that a sense of history is missing and the damage that is done by wars, invasions and occupation by foreign powers or fear of all these.

Just taking the 20th century, there were two World Wars, huge shifts in the social order, mass unemployment, economic crashes, revolution, massacres and genocide, women gaining the vote but not having access to birth control or abortion and so on. So many changes in such a short time and causing so much bitterness, neediness and neediness.

What's the betting that Syria, Ukraine, Gaza and Lebanon are all creating their share of desperate people who are unkind or worse to their families. I used to resent my mother until I realised what she had lived through from 1915 to 1977 and when I really looked at it, I felt grateful that she did her best as a child and adult of her time. None of us are perfect and memory is not fact.

Are you violets army of protectors?
I don't think so.

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I'm glad that you have no regrets for estranging your mother but have no idea why you've introduced the name of a recently banned poster into the discussion, or perhaps I do .

AstralProjections, VioletSky and the name under which she was first banned Starblaze; could that be a clue?

where is violetsky anyway?

How would your abuse not have happened if we had " been kind " to Violet Sky ???

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