Blindsided by daughter..what is the way forward?

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Yes, there’s a lot to be said for an honest talk about how everyone feels. 🙂

So much is lost when there isn't face to face communication and as has already been said on this thread, upset can be caused unintentionally.

I don't understand them either DL; far better IMO if boundaries are the issue to have a discussion rather than issuing an ultimatum.

I think with both sides taking time out, especially over Xmas, missing each other will prevail over any other hard feelings and I can see a way forwards post Xmas.
I don’t think this is an insurmountable situation but just a family struggling to get along for a while. Hopefully they will all get together and discuss what happened frankly and without rancour and move forwards closer than ever.
‘Clearing the air’ imho is this in a nutshell.

I think it depends on the relationship before any upset happened.

My DD would be swift to tell me verbally if I’d upset her, and vice versa,

I don’t really understand all these letters, texts and mails.

Apparantly, effective communication involves about 70% body language - which, obviously, wouldn’t happen in a written form. 🙂

PS, Miss A, writing down the above question to you seems to have been enough to convince me I should not have said it.

I don't see anything wrong with what you said, or how you said it, Caleo

That's just my thoughts, though.
It can be a minefield, can't it?

I get to the point sometimes where I say nothing, when I really could do with just a "chinwag" about problems.

That's a good point MissA, sometimes taking a step back is needed to acquire the space to have time to think.

Miss A, I note with interest that you disdain unasked for advice. I may have been guilty of this a few weeks ago and I ask you if I went too far. I was having a friendly talk with with my polite adult grandson and at one point asked him in a friendly and interested voice "do you think you may now have done enough now?" (It was about a sensitive matter he is engaged in)

My son says I was wrong to say this. What do you think?

Your daughter has sent you an ultimatum so there is nothing to "chat" about.
What you do next is ,not apologise or explain , but send a short letter like:

"Dearest Daughter, I note all you say in your great letter, and I agree . Best love from Mum."

They do I know.
Sometimes it can be overwhelming though.

Not any specific person, not my boy, not the school or college, I just have to have time to think.

Perhaps that's how Scotsnanas daughter feels at the moment.

People generally do mean well MissA, something to take into account when responding to unasked for advice. Doing so forcefully but nicely is a good approach.

My boy doesnt have asd or anything.
He just doesn't behave himself, but I sometimes get overwhelmed by people giving advice, and have to be quite forceful in telling them nicely to butt out.

People mean well, and I often ask for their advice, too.

I can almost imagine how the last conversation with your daughter went. You probably gave an opinion on what you would do in her place and telling her what others have done.

My DiL tends to load problems onto me at times (fortunately we don't meet very often) and I just nod and sympathise but never offer opinions. I just let her offload.

Just drop your daughter a note in reply to her letter saying you quite understand where she is coming from and agreeing not to offer any help or opinions in bringing up her child. Maybe cut down on the number of times you see them also - several times a week is a lot.
I feel sure you can work it out.

Agree to her boundaries - they may seem small to you, but obviously do not to her or she would not have felt the need to spell them out in a long letter.

Apologise - unreservedly.

You may think you have done nothing wrong, but she is being clear about how your actions and words come across to her and you need to be sensitive and responsive to that if you wish to have a relationship with her and with your GC.

Like others, I’m confused as to why there’s a need to have a sit down discussion.

She sent a six page letter explaining what she needs. Her boundaries aren’t up for negotiation. This isn’t an initial offer to then bargain with. She’s telling you what needs to happen.

The only thing you get to decide is if you’re going to respect her boundaries or choose estrangement.

And there’s nothing you mentioned that is extraordinary.

MissAdventure

I can only echo what others have said.
Whatever is going on, for the time being, your daughter doesn't want to discuss things with you.

She may need some space from everyone for now.

It isn't about you, I'd imagine, so best to do what she asks and allow her what she is asking.

Yes, I agree. Sometimes a bit of space, and time to quietly reflect, can work wonders. 🙂

Septima Good advice. Agree to it all. And stick to it! My bet is she breaks it before you do! chat about the weather, plants in the garden, the neighbours you have seen, TV, etc etc. I think you will find it easy once you get going.

We can get nowhere until she agrees to sit down to chat with me.

Do you need to sit down and chat at this point? I think she's too exhausted for that which is why she's written.
Send a note to say you are sorry to have upset her, how much I love her and how, when she is ready you would like to put this all behind you and try again to comply with her wishes.
I think make it short.

Any future conversation would then be entirely on her terms.

I think differing expectations lead to problems so the only solution is distancing which can lead to estrangement. Ive had many years to wonder why it happened in my circumstances as thought all was ok but it couldn't have been from her point of view. Once estranged the doors shut.

I can only echo what others have said.
Whatever is going on, for the time being, your daughter doesn't want to discuss things with you.

She may need some space from everyone for now.

It isn't about you, I'd imagine, so best to do what she asks and allow her what she is asking.

Why would she think you are the mother from hell because she wants to lead her life differently to what you expect. What on earth do you talk about seeing each other several times a week? I would have found that intrusive. I don't want to listen to what everyone else is doing or gossip.

Scotsnana

Lots of advice on here! Just to make it clear, I have NEVER given advice without it being asked for. For the last 25 years we have been told by her and her husband we are the best parents in the world (as seen by the many mothers day, birthday cards from them). So I am at a loss to see why suddenly we are the parents from hell. As for apologising? In the first couple of weeks I literally begged her to discuss things with me, and clear this up. She refuses to even talk to me. We can get nowhere until she agrees to sit down to chat with me.

Oh, well, as I said, there seems to be a breakdown in communications. This is why talking is always better than letters, emails and texts.

There could be all sorts going on in her life which is causing her stress. It happens.

You could, perhaps, just send her a brief notelet/card apologising for upsetting her and hoping that, when things are calmer, you can both sit down and talk it through.

If you haven’t heard from her nearer to Christmas, then send a jolly, happy type card wishing them all a happy Christmas and new year.

Calm and a bit of silence can do a lot of the legwork with repairing relationships.

Meanwhile, don’t discuss her with your other daughters or anyone else, other than, obviously, your husband.

Hopefully it’ll all work itself out.

Best wishes. 💐

In your post you asked how do you go forward. It is so simple that she put it all in writing for you. Read it and memorise it then practice:

Agree to boundaries

Don't discuss schooling

No negativity

Don't question parental decisions

Don't discuss her family affairs with others

And more.

So what can you talk about? Everything that is not forbidden in the letter. (ie. How are you? How is GC. What has her father been doing. Describe any new hobbies that you are doing. Would she like to accompany you to this park. Can we bake something together? etc...)