Blindsided by daughter..what is the way forward?

There’s time yet Scotsnana - I’m sure she will come round. Are you involved in childcare or babysitting? She will need you. Let me say, we mothers and m.I.ls are always treading on eggshells. Don’t be sad. Be patient.

Hello there, sorry you are suffering so badly and I am sure you can resolve this with a little patience and time. If you take a step back and think of all the times you as a parent received unwanted advice or criticism, I think you may be able to come to terms with the fact that the boundaries your daughter wants she is asking for to have a better relationship with you. They are very reasonable boundaries to ask you for because they will prevent further problems. You will have plenty to talk about by reversing those boundaries by supporting their parenting decisions, being positive and refraining from discussing them to others and simply passing on positives and achievements instead. Every relationship has boundaries and every person has a line in the sand. You are lucky to have been told what these are and given the chance to have a better relationship that will benefit all of you, especially the children.

No, my daughter is a stay at home mum, rarely goes out, so they never need us for childcare. We have two other daughters who cant understand this either. I take heart from the fact that they say we’re the best parents and grandparents ever. But am at a loss to understand my daughters decision.

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

I think her boundaries (though I can see you are upset about them) are normal really.

no discussing his schooling should be easy enough - no negativity - why be negative?
no questioning any decisions they make - this is their family so just don't do it ... no discussing her family with anyone else - fair enough - maybe you've been talking about her to others?

My children don't always raise their families how I think I would but I've had my go at parenting and now it is their job... I try to bite my tongue if they really irritate me. They do ask my opinion now and then - and if so I say it once and don't "bang on about it".

You have been given a lifeline by a daughter who cares enough to try to get things on a better footing. This is good really.

Can you find it in your heart to try to do the things she's asking of you?
I hope so.

NotSpaghetti

I think her boundaries (though I can see you are upset about them) are normal really.

no discussing his schooling should be easy enough - no negativity - why be negative?
no questioning any decisions they make - this is their family so just don't do it ... no discussing her family with anyone else - fair enough - maybe you've been talking about her to others?

My children don't always raise their families how I think I would but I've had my go at parenting and now it is their job... I try to bite my tongue if they really irritate me. They do ask my opinion now and then - and if so I say it once and don't "bang on about it".

You have been given a lifeline by a daughter who cares enough to try to get things on a better footing. This is good really.

Can you find it in your heart to try to do the things she's asking of you?
I hope so.

I rather agree with this. Your daughter has done what so many in these threads say they want. She’s laid out exactly what she needs from you in order to have a relationship, and none of the boundaries you’ve listed seem over the top or frankly difficult. It’s clear that she feels you’re too comfortable asserting your opinions about the grandsons schooling , and perhaps other things with his autism and she’s asked that you take a step back. She’s taken space to reset and says to move forward she needs you to also take a step back. Easy enough. Let her (and her spouse) make parenting decisions like schooling and take on the supportive role you should have - supporting whatsoever those decisions are as best for their child because they chose it. That’s a grandparents role after all. As for not discussing their affairs with others again - easy enough Have you made a habit of doing so? You’re being offered a way forward with the relationship. Respect her boundaries for the reasonable things they are and take it.

In respect of christmas mumsnet is filled with posts where someone is dreading the BIG family christmas with the grandparents and the in laws.

Parents increasingly seem to want to spend christmas day with just their partner and children to do things that grandparents might not approve of. Such as staying in pajamas all day, eating comfort food, and watching duff films or playing silly games, It doesnt mean the rest of the family cant come on another day but increasingly young/er families are putting in boundaries rather than gritting their teeth and hating the big traditional gatherings.

Your daughter and her partner may have hosted for years "at their request" but how much of that was out of a sense of duty?

I would have loved to have a MY family Christmases Biglouis - and did do so once when the children were young.

Now we are mindful of what our children want and do something "family" usually on Christmas Eve instead.

Getting the best education for a neuro diverse child can be very challenging. Did she feel underminded by your input? Maybe just listen and don't make suggestions unless you are asked.

I've got 4 adult children, all with children of their own, they all do things their own way and some of it isn't how I'd do it but it isn't my business to try and make decisions. If I think something is good I'm positive, if I don't really agree with something I shut up.

I’m a gran to 5 adult grandchildren, and two adult children.

Over the years, I have made sure that I don’t really express any opinions on childrearing, even if I don’t necessarily agree.

If I’m asked, and only then, I will make suggestions.

Lots of biting of tongue. 😉. It’s worked well for many years.

Give it time, and I’m sure this can be resolved. There’s nothing really adrift here - just a breakdown in communications.

Best wishes. 💐

DiamondLily

I’m a gran to 5 adult grandchildren, and two adult children.

Over the years, I have made sure that I don’t really express any opinions on childrearing, even if I don’t necessarily agree.

If I’m asked, and only then, I will make suggestions.

Lots of biting of tongue. 😉. It’s worked well for many years.

Give it time, and I’m sure this can be resolved. There’s nothing really adrift here - just a breakdown in communications.

Best wishes. 💐

Yes that is the recipe for happy relationships. My husband has been know to be a bit opinionated and I have to remind him how he would have felt if his mother had been advising us on what we were doing wrong. In a word he'd have been furious and he knows and acknowledges that but sometimes forgets.

Scotsnana no discussing his schooling, no negativity, no questioning any decisions they make, no discussing her family with anyone else. The list goes on. I dont see how I can ever have a natural conversation with her again!

I really have no idea why anyone would even consider discussing the items on your daughters list. I never talk to private matters, why is such talk necessary in a 'natural conversation'?

Christmas: maybe time for change? Do something different?

But she hasn't estranged you.. yet...

she has offered you a way of still being involved in her life.. it is up to you whether you choose to be offended or not.. She is obviously concerned about her child and has a way of working with him.. She does not need your unasked for advice..
I would have a very good look at what she has written to to and be guided by what she says. and stop discussing it with your other children... beware there are many estrangements nowadays..and she has been caring enough to offer you a lifeline..

We all want to help our grown children and GCs but as the saying goes ‘the road to hell is paved with good intentions’, sometimes our idea of good advice etc., may not land well. And your daughter has a lot on her plate with a young child with autism, am sure she must be run ragged but helping means biting your tongue - as DL said - and letting your daughter feel that you have her back without being critical or overstepping the mark.
I know is upsetting, especially at Xmas when emotions run high, but this does just sound like a family fall out, with your daughter needing time and space right now.
Hopefully in time you can resolve this and have a full and frank conversation about how exactly you can best accommodate your daughters wishes and the care of your GCs.
All is not lost.
I wish you all the best.
🙏🏾🌺

Pascal and diamond lily and others have given you wise advice, if you take it you can sort this out. Good luck. .

We have two other daughters who cant understand this either

no discussing her family with anyone else

It seems you do discuss her family with her sisters, I understand her need to set boundaries.

Good advice on here. I would just reinforce the comment not to discuss your grandson and daughter or any aspect of their lives with your other children or anyone else from now on. Even about this temporary fall out. Your comments WILL get back to your daughter and could escalate the problems.

Apologise. Even if you think you have done nothing wrong. Just tell her you didn't realise you had said/done anything that would hurt her and you never meant to be negative or to question her. Tell her you both love them all and you miss them. Think hard about what she has written.

Maybe she was using you as a sounding board for her thoughts and you told her what you thought she should do instead of just listening, even if you just meant it as a suggestion - if she took it wrongly and thought you were telling her what to do it would probably then make her feel guilty if she decided on an alternative route. She's probably finding it hard dealing with everything anyway.

Just tell her you didn't mean to make life hard for her and you would like to chat about how to move forward. Best write it down then you can read it before sending it to make sure you don't sound accusatory.

I'm glad you've found this thread too Scotsnana, it's surprising how comforting it is to know that you are not alone.

It may feel at the moment that you'll be walking on eggshells and unable to have a natural conversation with her, but I'm sure with time you'll both relax and your contact will feel more natural.

You haven't lost them it's just that things have changed. You've been presented with boundaries which hasn't happened before and that's bound to have come as a bit of surprise. It's a shame your D wasn't prepared to discuss this with you, rather than telling you by letter but maybe in time she'll be prepared to discuss it.

Try and take a step back and give her the space she's asked for. Take this opportunity to do something different this Christmas, you may enjoy it more than you think .

I suggest you tell her that you will do your best to stick to her rules but that there's always a possibility that you will accidentally say something you shouldn't. Ask her, if you do stray over the line, to gently remind you rather than being cross with you ("Mum, that's off limits").

It might be difficult if you're used to being outspoken but should get easier with time. Give it a go, you've nothing to lose.

twinnytwin

Good advice on here. I would just reinforce the comment not to discuss your grandson and daughter or any aspect of their lives with your other children or anyone else from now on. Even about this temporary fall out. Your comments WILL get back to your daughter and could escalate the problems.

Excellent advice. Nobody wants to be discussed with others.

theworriedwell

DiamondLily

I’m a gran to 5 adult grandchildren, and two adult children.

Over the years, I have made sure that I don’t really express any opinions on childrearing, even if I don’t necessarily agree.

If I’m asked, and only then, I will make suggestions.

Lots of biting of tongue. 😉. It’s worked well for many years.

Give it time, and I’m sure this can be resolved. There’s nothing really adrift here - just a breakdown in communications.

Best wishes. 💐

Yes that is the recipe for happy relationships. My husband has been know to be a bit opinionated and I have to remind him how he would have felt if his mother had been advising us on what we were doing wrong. In a word he'd have been furious and he knows and acknowledges that but sometimes forgets.

It’s a balancing act which can work well - but only if both parties are reasonable.

No, constant opinions aren’t usually wanted. We all have our own ways of child rearing.

But, on the other hand, I’d never do the “tap dancing on eggshells” walk. Having to pander to every little demand and thing would never work for me.

Hopefully, OP and daughter will sort it out with a frank and honest proper discussion, in time. 🙂

It wouldn't work for me either DL. Hopefully as you say, the OP and her D will be able to have a frank and honest proper discussion in time.

I agree with Septimia